A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

When I read about the possessions I thought the same as Thebluedog, I would send am email back agreeing but individualising everything.

Personally I’d reorganise the list in the response.

Have 3 headings of yours, his and DS

Separate out the items on his heading to show each item and annotate the ones the are his possessions anyway.

Then don’t renegotiate if you said you weren’t going to, just accept the list as you’ve written it

Oh I’m not going to negotiate it. I’ll just buy a new vacuum cleaner and tumble dryer.

I’m not even going to bother reordering it. I’ve decided just to laugh about it. I showed it to a friend who found it hilarious.

At least he’s giving me all the kitchen stuff (except ‘one full set of cutlery’). I’ll just give him the cutlery and go to ikea and buy myself new stuff.

Unimaginative, are you concerned that his apparent lack of effort in finding a new place to live may hold up the sale and your move?

I’m getting slight concerned about it.

He seems keen for the sale to go through. In fact, he’s at the level of paranoia about it that has always driven me nuts. Any contact he has from the EA about it prompts him panicking that the buyer is going to pull out.

But, on the other hand, he doesn’t seem to understand that he also needs to make plans to actually move out and have somewhere to live. I don’t understand why.

Surely he understands that he also has to get removals firms round to quote for removals (and storage). Is it that he’s so selfish and used to me just doing everything that he can’t understand that I’ll only be organising my own move? Or is it something else?

Unless he is keeping plans about his bachelor shag pad close to his chest, he must have somewhere in mind - one can't sofa surf at a mate's with a tumble drier in tow

Or is he really so used to you doing all his life admin that the thought hadn't entered his head. Or maybe he'll move back in with Mummy and Daddy to be really looked after!

I guess you don't want to pose any 'awkward' questions until you have exchanged in case he jettisons the sale.

Yes. That and I don’t care that much about what he chooses - so long as it doesn’t negatively affect DS2.

He won’t move in with his parents; they live a long, long way away.

Maybe he has sorted his bachelor shag pad out. Who knows? I’m not asking him.

You should invite lots of guys around to the place and make him feel uncomfortable

Well if he hasn't organised anything it will all get dumped in the street on the day...

Yes. It will.

I bet in his stingy mind he can just hire a van and do it all on his own. The first time we moved I had a dreadful job getting him to understand that we needed professional movers to move a 3 bedroom house full of stuff, with a little baby and everything. I still ended up doing all the packing with little or no help from him.

Weirdly I’m actually looking forward to packing my own stuff (and the kids - although DS1 will do his own room). Because it’s going to be exciting getting away from this shit.

I can’t do that @blackbirdbluebottle. Mostly because the kids live here, but also I’m not keen on random men knowing where I live.

A few weeks after my ex moved out (we’d been separated for a number of months), he scraped his van down the side of a gate post, he claimed on the insurance and went ballistic at me as his MOT had run out the week before. Somehow him not getting it tested was my fault the insurance people paid out but reduced the payment by 15% due to no MOT

A number of things like this happened as he was so used to me sorting absolutely everything, basically he came home, ate and slept and did nothing towards the running of the household. So that when we split, I simply stopped doing it and he struggled to understand why I’d do such a mean thing, even after he’d moved out.

I reckon it's what @Thebluedog said @UnimaginativeUsername He either thinks he can organise a new place at the last minute - or that you will eventually do it for him (I know you won't, but it's how a man-child thinks).

We've got a logistical nightmare this week. H wafted all my suggestions of how to sort it away. But who ended up having to scramble round today for someone to pick up DD2, despite being at work in a different city?!? And then he had the cheek to send me a jaunty text saying 'Sorted!' YES - BY ME

You may be right @Thebluedog. Tonight ex is taking DS2 to cubs (and clearly hadn’t read the email properly because he was shocked to learn he had to stay with him not just drop him off). I made DS2 dinner and ex noticed that he wasn’t changed for cubs. Somehow he thinks it is my responsibility to make sure this happens so that he can just swan off (in my car) to pretend he’s doing parenting by dropping him off.

I bet your blood boiled at that text @namechanged77.

@UnimaginativeUsername

Just catching up with your thread.

Your another week closer to being in your own place!

I've been in hospital due to an accident I had the other day.
I'm going to be off work for a little while. The thing is I'm going to have to ask ex to help me to do things, which I'm not looking forward too.

DC2 had a party to go to today. I told him he would need to sort a card and present. Party starts at 1:00 pm and at 12:00pm he goes for a lie down. I am immobile so at 12:20pm I call him from downstairs to remind him about the party, present and card. My call goes straight to his voicemail ( which it always seems to do at the moment ) he then wonders downstairs at 12:40pm and asks about the party e.t.c . DC2 gets upset because
1, she knows she going to be late

2, Ex starts saying " I don't know why DC2 is going to the party anyway. It's going to be boring ".

3, we're going to have to stop at the bank machine to get money to put in the card

I just bit my tongue and reassured DC2 that she was going to have a lovely time with her friends.

I also wanted to show my frustration to ex for being so disorganised and upsetting DC2 . It should of been a simple task.

Good job I'm patient. I'm going to have to ride the next few weeks out. Wish me luck

Oh how awful @Turnedovernewleaf. What a complete arse your ex is. Does he not care about his children?

How are you feeling, apart from utterly frustrated?

DS2 and I had a nice day today. He got a new martial arts belt this morning and we went to a National Trust place this afternoon. I let him paddle about in the river and he fell into the river. So he came home wet and wrapped in a towel but very happy.

@UnimaginativeUsername

Sounds as though you've had a lovely day. Paddling and falling over in the river, making memories !

Regarding my situation I'm feeling a bit down and very frustrated. It is making me realise how much he doesn't know his children.

For example he made them drinks today. He filled the cups right up to the brim, literally over spilling. I only fill half way as that is what's manageable for them. One got spilt and another only got half finished. You can imagine the scene!

And before he made the drinks I'd said "only half fill the cups as then non will be wasted or spilt "

Ex said " Er, I think I know how to make DC's drinks "

clearly he does not !!

Well he’s going to have to get to know them, isn’t he?

Ex is taking DS2 out tomorrow but I’ll have to provide a picnic (for DS2). There literally won’t be anything for him to eat there and walking to McDonald’s is hardly going to help. Even if I tell ex to make the picnic up, I will have provided all the ingredients.

I’ve kind of been playing chicken with him to see if he’ll actually think ahead and organise lunch for DS2. But, no. Not in the slightest.

I think he genuinely believes that because he has (sort of) paid the school dinners (£10 a week) that he shouldn’t have to buy any more food for DS2.

@UnimaginativeUsername

My goodness, it must frustrate you that you have to think of everything and forward plan for him because he obviously cannot.

However, if, after the move, DS2 is going to be spending time with your ex, your ex is going to have to start getting his act together

I think it'll be a shock to his system

.... I think my ex will just muddle through

I presume that after the move it will occur to him that he has to take responsibility for feeding DS2 when he has him. It’s just that, at the moment, I am here so he just assumes that I should/will be doing everything.

It will be a shock to both their systems, but my ex has to step up and recognise that his son has what the consultant clearly described as ‘a serious, life-long medical condition’. Muddling through isn’t quite going to cut it. He’ll have to learn to take snacks and picnics everywhere and to cook things that aren’t entirely bread based.

It’s not like potatoes are hard to cook. Or rice. Or GF pasta.

I'd make DS2 a lunch and let him sort himself out.

Unfortunately your ex knows you will pick up the slack, so he does have too.

Just a heads up re gf snacks. Not all crisps are gluten free. You can get Seabrooks crisps that are fine. Pringles have gluten. Not all rice cakes or oat cakes are gf. Not all milkshakes are gluten free, and some smoothies aren't safe. Cola can have barley malt in it which is, of course, a source of gluten. When your DS2 is out with ex, he is going to have to take far more responsibility for his condition than is fair at his age. You may want to spend some time going over labels with him. Sending good vibes.

Thanks @Meckity1.

I’ve been talking DS2 through everything. The dietian at the hospital gave him lots of information aimed at children too, so he can learn what he can and can’t eat.

He’s already discovered the minefield that is crisps and he likes the (expensive) rice cakes from the ‘free from’ section - and the digestive biscuits too. I think it’s best for him to start safe (and more limited) and look at trickier things once he’s really solid on the basics of what he can and can’t eat.

He’s actually refusing to go to his school leavers disco (he’s in Y4, so it’s his class that’s leaving) because he doesn’t want not to be able to buy all the food (only sweets and crisps and hot dogs). That’s the bit he likes best, and he’s not willing to go if he can’t have it all. I did offer to go along and help/give him stuff to take with him, but he says he just doesn’t want to go.

That is so sad. I get it, but it doesn't make it less sad.

Nutella is gluten free, just sayin.

Oh, we know Nutella is GF. He’s a fan.

I think he’ll eventually get used to the difficulty of eating at events like that and not see it as the main attraction. I’m not pushing him because it’s obviously going to take him a while to adjust. Over time he’ll stop even thinking about the non-GF options and it won’t be so hard for him.

It’s also a shame as I was going to volunteer simply so I can observe all the fortnite inspired dancing. It’ll be hilarious.