A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

I think it would be OK if he said he was disappointed that he couldn’t be there. But he’s just so angry and self-righteous that I start thinking that I must be in the wrong.

Thing is, DS2 is delighted that he gets a party on his birthday. And that he’ll get an extra birthday treat with his dad while he’s at his grandparents’ house. That’s how it should be. I don’t resent the fact that they’ll do great things with him; I’m delighted that they are!

And I’m not even annoyed that ex has pretended to DS2 that he’s organised for him to do kayaking when he’s down at his grandparents’. I suggested it to ex’s mum who has organised it. But I knew ex would take the credit and I only really care that DS2 was really excited when he told me about it. I did say that his nan was really kind to have booked that for him though, as she deserves some credit.

He is @shitwithsugaron.

Sadly he’s very good at making me doubt myself. So it’s useful to be able to check.

Of course it's not unreasonable. Your ex is being an arsehole like always. It's very sweet of you to give your kid a party & youre not breaking any rules by doing it! Your ex is projecting because unlike you he doesn't even care to be around on the day - wouldn't be surprised if he forgets a present

Please don't let him put doughts in your mind. What you have written here is lovely...........
Thing is, DS2 is delighted that he gets a party on his birthday. And that he’ll get an extra birthday treat with his dad while he’s at his grandparents’ house. That’s how it should be. I don’t resent the fact that they’ll do great things with him; I’m delighted that they are!

This is lovely, exactly right

Luckily he’s away for two days now. He was supposed to be away yesterday too but decided to shorten the trip for some reason.

He’s always going on about the need to get things done so they don’t hold up the house sale. But when it requires him to do something he is, as you’ll all have guessed, less keen.

I need to get removal quotations so that I can actually book a move when we have a completion date. But I can’t do that until we’ve agreed how we’re dividing the furniture. So I emailed ex asking him to give me a list of what he wants and I’ll arrange to have the rest moved to my house.

I can’t be bothered fighting with him over it all. Everything is such hard work with him. And I’ve decided to look at it positively: any new furniture I need to buy is furniture he has had no hand in choosing.

I’m going to make it clear to him that if he writes a martyr-y list then he doesn’t get to pretend that I’m the evil ex that took him to the cleaners. I’m not. I have offered him whatever he wants.

I know he’s been making out to people that I am awful and he’s so magnanimous for splitting the house 50-50. And he is very skilled at making me feel guilty about the fact that he put his inheritance into the deposit. But I have finally come to the realisation that I should feel no guilt at all.

I offered him the full value of his inheritance out of the equity before splitting it and he declined. When he declined he pointed out that I have earned (considerably) more than him for the entire duration of the relationship. At various points I have earned up to £36k more than him (when he wasn’t working - and I looked it all, while he jealously hoarded his savings and contributed nothing). For much of it I earned £5-10k more than him. Plus I received about £8k in maintenance for DS1. At the point at which we split, I had savings of precisely zero. So, even ignoring the discrepancies in income, I have contributed approaching £80k more than ex to the family. The figure is much higher if we think about my additional earnings. That dwarves the £40k ish of inheritance I’ve been feeling so guilty over.

So I need to stop believing his narrative and realise that I have been supporting him emotionally, practically and financially (in a significant way) for a decade. He can fuck off with his subtly passive aggressive guilt trips.

I think I might do the sums so I can present him with the accounts next time he pulls the I gave everything I had to you and DS1 without begrudging it (except that he obviously did since he brings - and brought - it up regularly and it because a huge flash point at various vunctures in the relationship).

I’ll point out that DS1 has easily been supporting himself via maintenance and CB, and I’ll show him that I have objectively put more money into the relationship than him. So much more that it more than covers any inheritance he had.

Note the lack of savings is because the bastard made us do very expensive house renovations before we split. But he’d also been squirrelling the money we used for that away in his ISA so presumably he thinks it was really his.

And I’ll add in to the spreadsheet how much more I’m spending on everything right now. He isn’t even meeting the costs he said he would. I have to go in to school this afternoon to pay the school dinner debts because he hasn’t paid them all term. He said he would pay it (and other things) to compensate for the fact that I am buying all DS2’s food. I’m going to make it clear to the receptionist that I am paying ex’s debts, not my own and that they should chase him for the remainder.

I’m bored and waiting for the car that’s in the garage getting the brakes fixed. So I am thinking things through and very much realising that ex has always fucked me over financially, while gaslighting me to make me think I’m the one that’s benefitting - and I’m certain will continue to do so in the future.

Who wants to bet he elects to pay the minimum CMS and tries to minimise even that? His idiot friends have already convinced each other that they get to reduce the CMS amount by the CB payment their exes get, so they’re obviously doing their best to be financial fuckwit fathers. This is a group of men who earn between £50k and £80k, btw. Not men on the breadline. And who live in a famously cheap area of the country. Arseholes, the lot if them.

Hi all,

Can I gatecrash if no one minds?! I’ve been having a rtft and some of what goes on is so shocking. It often makes me wonder how on earth any of us fell in love with these men in the first place.

A bit about myself. I have 3dc 10,6 and 3. My stbxh has always been hard work and gradually over the years I fell out of love with him. Emotional abuse, very intimidating, no support at all, jealously etc. I’m now at the point where by I can’t actually stand him. Don’t quite hate him yet but I think that isn’t far away.

Told him Christmas 2016 I was done and wanted a divorce. He asked me to try but I’d already been trying for such a long time. Agreed to try anyway and counselling for the kids sake more than anything and to be fair to him he has completely stepped up but it’s 15 years to late and I can’t get passed everything that has happened. He moved out to his brothers but was constantly here and banging on about how we could work and how much he loves me, suicide threats etc. He also puts a big emphasis on sex too. I stupidly agreed in Nov 2017 that he could move back in and I thought maybe I could make it work for the kids. I suppose he had ground me down so much that letting him back in seemed the easiest option.

I told him in March not a chance was it ever going to work and I was just miserable. He has agreed to move out again but is constantly stalling. We have no spare bedrooms or rooms so we are living on top of each other. He still keeps telling me how much he loves me etc but that he knows he needs to move out but can we still have sex sometimes?!

Due to circumstances if we sell the house before the end of next year neither of us would receive any equity from it so it would be just spite for either of us to push a sale before then and neither of us would gain anything. I’m desperately applying for every job as he preferred me to stay at home but I now need to work.

How did you all cope with being or still being in the same house. Do I just admit defeat and move out with the kids instead? I wanted to make it as easy for them as possible and moving out isn’t ideal for them. I have no family nearby as they live 2 hours away. We are reasonably pleasant to each other but I hate him being here. I hate the sound of his voice even. The situation is making me depressed tbh.

Sorry for the long thread but any advice is welcome and good luck to everyone else going through the same thing

There is no such thing as gatecrashing on this thread @dm86. Obviously we’d prefer that no one else was in this kind of situation.

Obviously I’ve had to stay til the house is sold (for less than we paid for it). But luckily this house is big enough that there are spare bedrooms.

What is your sleeping arrangement ATM?

Thank you @UnimaginativeUsername I’m glad I’m not gatecrashing.

No it is a horrible situation to be in especially it’s only what one party wants. How long has it been for yourself? I read your nearly at the end now but it sounds like it’s been a rough time for you

We could sell the house now but no equity or savings or secure employment means I couldn’t buy anywhere else. Renting would be an option once I’m employed again.

I was sleeping on the sofa but due to a bad back I moved back into the bed. We both face the other way and he doesn’t try anything. He does during the day but that’s another matter!

He says all the right things that he’ll find somewhere and move out until we can sell the house but his actions don’t follow that. He has his brother and mother literally round the corner and they both have plenty of room at least until he finds somewhere.

I’m in awe of anyone who manages to live together because this is hard! He keeps putting off telling the dc to whereas I’d rather tell them sooner plus they aren’t stupid and probably already know something’s amiss.

It sounds really, really tough for you. It’s frustrating to have someone say one thing and then do the exact opposite. But you are perfectly entitled to want out of the relationship.

The sleeping situation sounds awful. Could you do a bit of a swap so that one of the kids sleeps with you in the bed and he takes their bed? Or something similar. If he was a decent person he’d have offered to take the couch when you couldn’t do it anymore due to your back.

It’s been about 5/6ish months for me now. Although the relationship was effectively over months before that. I am so looking forward to not having to see him or share space with him.

Hi again @UnimaginativeUsername God, what an arse your STBXH is being over DC's birthday! Absolutely typical of these men that they throw a hissy about something that can't be changed - think it's mostly for the sake of it.

You've made a lovely plan for your son's birthday. As a summer baby I know how much it means to actually have your friends celebrate with you.

I'd say do what you feel you need to re the finances - but I bet he'll find something to moan about, even when there's really nothing...

Hello @dm86 Your sleeping situation sounds tough. Maybe sharing with DCs at night might help, but I know the daytimes are hard too.

I thought my H might be changing his ways. He's been saying the right things recently.

But last night he reverted to type .... DCs are being a pain at the moment - think it's end of term/lots on. I got home first. They were bickering - with each other and at me. I was dealing with them whilst also sorting the kitchen out. His nibs rocks up about 20 minutes after me - asks what's for dinner (why my responsibility? We'd both been at work). Then DD1 got upset at something minor he said - should have been easy to calm the situation. But that's not what he does, is it?!?!

He said we were all getting at him, slamming his fork down on the plate so hard that IT BROKE - and then telling both DCs they were spoilt and reducing them both to tears... Then last night, oldest DD's stomach pain came back (what a coincidence) and she wanted to sleep with me. Happy to, since it also meant booting H off to the spare room!!!

And it's counselling tonight. Yay!

I can’t even imagine how much force you’d have to use to break a plate with a fork. What a wonderful father!?!

Glad you had an excuse to pack him off to the spare room. I find that it’s a bit more bearable when I at least have my own bed; I could not have done months of having to sleep with ex!

I actually forgot about the point of my story earlier. Ex has not replied to the email about furniture. I asked him about it and he said he’d do it when he gets back from his trip. I would have thought the train journey would be the ideal time to do it, but no. He is just being an arse.

If he needed a list from me he’d make a huge fuss about it and insist I must do it immediately. But he won’t do something for me, even though it’s something I need to do so that we can actually move.

Been watching this thread for a while & admire the support you're all giving each other. Delurking with a suggestion for UU. Mark all the furniture with stickers. Tell DH you will instruct the removal people to take all the items he doesn't mark in some way eg his initials. Then it's him who loses if he doesn't take action.

Quick quiz...

Whose fault was it that the plate got broken?

Whose fault was it that he made the kids cry?

Who is being ganged up on by his family and has no responsibility for anything at all ever??

... No, I can't think either!!!

Oh that’s a good tip @Seryan. Thanks.

I take it counselling was a little frustrating yesterday @namechanged77.

I recognise the ‘plate got broken’ construction from ex, who is a master of using the passive voice to avoid taking responsibility as well as to take credit for things he’s not contributed to in any way.

Can you picture what it's like living in these men's heads? Blamey, snivelling, always have to be right, self absorbed... you're all well rid, imagine having to BE that awful!

imagine having to BE that awful!

Yes. They’re stuck with themselves, at least we can (eventually) leave.

It was (almost) funny - I was ticking off all the emotional abuse/gaslighting type tactics as he spoke!!

The other weird thing is how normal he was afterwards and today - just chatting away like nothing had been said.

Despite the fact he was sat there last night saying "she (I was sitting right across from him) just says things to make me feel bad". And that he feels 'got at' in counselling too.

That’s like ex an how he feels like the counselling we had was all about how terrible he is and so was just me being evil (rather than him behaving dreadfully, because that could never be the case). And his suggestion of further counselling (with a hint of revenge about it).

At least you are able to see it as him and not you. That’s really important. Because they are too often good at getting you to believe that it is, in fact, your fault that he broke a plate etc.

@UnimaginativeUsername

I'm sure your house has had such a nicer vibe with ex being away

@namechanged77

Sorry to hear about what happened with the fork and his general behaviour

@Seryan

@UnimaginativeUsername has made us all feel welcome so , hello from me

@shitwithsugaron

I wonder how long it will take ex to get sorted with what is needed for your little one

My ex is being difficult. He popped home for an hour between work and going the gym. He shouted, yelled made the DC cry then went out again

My ex is being difficult. He popped home for an hour between work and going the gym. He shouted, yelled made the DC cry then went out again

It’s like having a poltergeist, isn’t it?

My house is lovely and relaxed even though it’s been a very hectic day. DS2 had his transition day at middle school today and then cubs tonight. But I also needed to go to a parents’ event at the school tonight so I had to figure out a solution involving DS1 and a taxi to get DS2 home from cubs. Luckily he’s a Beavers leader in another group so the leaders were happy to have extra help for tonight.

The meeting was useful, not least because the school cook was really helpful about the GF diet and the catering company have pretty good procedures so he’ll have his own menu and everything. He’ll need packed lunches for a few weeks at the start while it all gets sorted, but it sounds like school food will be absolutely fine.