I have ordered a box. But today I have bigger frustrations. And I’m working through the utter mind fuck that is dealing with ex (who has me questioning if I’m in the wrong).
DS2’s birthday is in the middle of August. I will have him during that part of the holidays, not least because ex has elected to go to a conference abroad at that time.
After sea kayaking at the weekend DS2 said he really wanted to do it again and I suggested he could do it for his birthday with his friends. Later on ex agreed but said he wanted to do it before the holidays - presumably because he has planned a trip away on his birthday. I didn’t really say much to that (but apparently that constitutes an agreement).
There are 3 weeks left is school, and ex is taking DS2 to visit his parents on the 21st. So that’s 2 possible weekends. That’s 1. Not enough notice for his friends to be able to come; and 2. Not enough notice to book a bloody birthday party. So it was never going to be a feasible plan.
I spoke to the kayaking place today and (guess what) they can’t do the weekend after next. Who’d’ve thunk? So I asked if they could do his actual birthday and they can. I’d already contacted some friends to see if they would be about/available on that day (because I have DS2 and realised he’d want to celebrate turning 9 regardless, and it’s better when friends are involved). So I booked (and paid for) the party. All lovely.
I put it in the diary and ex is Not Happy. He’s stormed up to question me about it. Apparently it’s me being completely unreasonable because I went against the ‘agreement’ (which was more of a not causing a scene than any actual agreement - but this is a man who counts telling someone in advance that you don’t want to have sex, clamping your legs together, and crying as ‘consent’, so his idea of agreement possibly differs from mind anyway). I need to look at myself in the mirror and realise that I think it’s one rule for me and another for everyone else (this feels like projection).
I pointed out that: 1. There isn’t enough time to do it before the summer holidays; 2. DS2 will want to celebrate his birthday with his friends on his actual birthday for once in his life; 3. I have him at that point so I can choose to do what I like; 4. I haven’t asked him to pay for it; 5. DS2 never gets a birthday party because we tell him he can have it in September when the schools go back and it never happens (because the agony of trying to get ex to agree to and then book/pay for anything that puts other people first is too much); 6. Ex isn’t even going to be in the country on the day, so clearly this is about him and not DS2; 7. There’s nothing stopping him organising an additional birthday celebration for DS2 when he’s with him; and 8. Does he expect me to ignore that it’s DS2’s birthday on the day because he has elected to not be in the country?
But still, I am unreasonable. And he’s so good at gaslighting that I find myself wondering if I’m in the wrong for not phoning him to check that it’s ok for me to book something on a day when I have DS2. Also I’m unreasonable for not responding to him in a whisper because DS2 might hear (when he’s the one that stormed up, knocked on my door and insisted that I am in the wrong).
But, it’s not me, is it? It is him that’s being a total arse, isn’t it?