A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

Ladies - I need your wisdom... I'm on this thread because I do seriously see the possibility of me and DH separating. I've had years (14 all in, 12 married) of him routinely dismissing what I say, getting angry at nothing and prioritising his own interests.

But now he is saying a lot of what I've wanted to hear - including admitting that he gets defensive when he feels criticised so can't hear/acknowledge any truth in what I say, and that he will work on things.

He thinks that should be enough - and (rightly) points out that he can't change the past. But it isn't - it doesn't cancel out all the times I've been dismissed - it almost makes it worse to hear him admit things he swore blind I was wrong about, or negative or melodramatic.

So my question is - how do you know if you are being reasonably angry - or just holding on to negative feelings for too long?

So my question is - how do you know if you are being reasonably angry - or just holding on to negative feelings for too long?

I think sometimes you just can’t get past things. It’s all a bit ‘too little, too late’. And there is also an element of ‘talk is cheap’, especially when actions have repeatedly told you otherwise. It’s very hard to rebuild trust when someone has been eroding your confidence and dismissing you for more than a decade.

So I wonder if the question really is: have you just had enough, or do you think it’s worth giving it another shot?

@shitwithsugaron I’m not facilitating fathers’ day. He did nothing for mothers’ day I have suggested that he should do something with DS2 on fathers’ day, but he can deal with his own shit. They might make cards at school/after school club anyway.

That said, if DS2 asked to buy a card or present I’d take him (and pay using the shared bills account!). But that would be to help DS2, not ex. Your DD is younger, so she’s not likely to ask or notice.

When is your ex moving @shitwithsugaron? I did laughter at the idea that no one had yet instigated a break.

@shitwithsugaron a sofa from gumtree or freecycle sounds like a better option than keeping the sob around !

No sofa sounds better! Just tell him he can take the sofa and go.

I have mostly ceded the living room to ex. I just hang around in my (lovely) bedroom and watch things on my iPad. It’s better than negotiating or spending time with him!

Thank you @shitwithsugaron and @UnimaginativeUsername You're right I know. His behaviour overall doesn't suggest a true change, but there has been some shift in what he says.

I think I've had my confidence around standing up to him really knocked. At the weekend his friend came round with his kids. My DCs asked if we could stay out because the dads always get drunk together. I agreed - because I didn't want to be the one left looking after 4 kids. But then I felt really guilty - doubting myself. So the idea of being the one to call the whole thing is enormously daunting.

Oh. I totally understand how daunting it is, and how ingrained the not standing up to them becomes.

I actually (and stupidly) waited for ex to end it. Well, it wasn’t stupid insofar as it meant that he had to take responsibility for it (and couldn’t use it against me). The stupidity is more than I should just have done it myself several years ago! But we are where we are.

It is OK for you to have simply had enough if that’s how you feel. It’s been over a decade coming, so he’s had ample opportunity to make an effort. A few of the right words don’t necessarily make up for everything that’s gone before.

Has he only started saying the ‘right’ things since it’s become obvious to him that you are rapidly reaching the end of your rope?

You might decide that you do want to give it another go, but really don’t feel guilty whatever you decide you want to do here.

Oh. I forgot to tell you all about ex’s latest feat of remarkable snobbery.

DS2 has had to switch cubs group because he’s got swimming when his old group meet. His old group was possibly the most middle class cubs group imaginable (and ex heartily approved of that). We were offered two groups with places, both in less affluent areas. So we chose the one that seemed like it would be easiest to get to (which seems to be a great group that does loads of activities).

But, as you’d imagine, the group is more socially mixed than his previous group. I absolutely don’t see this as an issue and I can’t say that I noticed anything at all about any of the other parents dropping their kids off. They just seemed like people dropping their kids off to me!

But ex spent the whole drive home from dropping him off* making comments about the area that the hall is in/the other parents/etc. It’s so depressing how his mind works. He claimed he was ‘only joking’ but he’s so consistently snobby that he clear isn’t. He just realises that I’m not impressed (for good reason) when he says this stuff out loud.

He is such an arse.

• we both went for the first time so we could meet the leader.

I have a few days of freedom from ex now. He’s abroad with work until Saturday.

My friend is coming round for drinks tomorrow. I can never have friends over (never have been able to since living with him) so it’s a great thing.

enjoy!

Have a fab time

I plan to! I’m going to make rhubarb gin and prosecco cocktails!

You have! It will be so much better, trust me :)

Oh. That’s wonderful. When do you move?

I can understand feeling nervous about such a big change. But it’s definitely the right thing to do. Despite what popular wisdom might say being on ‘the housing ladder’ is not the most important thing; it’s much better to be happy.

You’re going to feel great once you’re sitting on your new sofa in your house.

Without the dead weight of your not so dear ex partner :)

Less than a week to go for you then. hope you’ve managed to make it through all the sentimental stuff unscathed.

I (finally) got my mortgage offer through today. At last. The bank took forever with it. So hopefully the end of my after break up purgatory is getting closer.

Ex is coming back this evening too, which is not something to look forward to!

God. He’s been back in the house for just over an hour and already I want to cry.

He’s nagged DS2 over how he eats his dinner. Apparently it’s not acceptable to slurp noodles, you have to cut them up into bite sized pieces.

And now he’s instigated a fight with me over DS2’s bedtime (all the while doing his signature nice of pretending that he isn’t a fucking controlling arsehole and that actually I’m the one being awful to him). He genuinely seems to think that he has any right whatsoever to decide on issues like what time I make DS2 go to bed when he’s with me.

He refuses to accept that he doesn’t get to control the minutiae of my day to day life on the basis that we have to make ‘joint parenting decisions’ (by which he means, he’ll decree and I’ll do as I’m told). I pointed out that joint parenting decisions are for big things (like choosing which school he attends) not about whether he goes to bed at 8.30, 8.45 or 9pm.

And the most irritating thing about it is that his 8.30 decree is totally unworkable. DS2 doesn’t even get in from swimming til around about 8.30 3 nights a week. He cannot go to bed 5 minutes before he actually gets in the house!!

Actually that might be the second most annoying thing. The worst might be that for years ex has been insisting on DS2’s bedtime but that only really applies to me. What happens is that I am dismissed at ‘bedtime’ but ex spends 15 minutes chatting to DS2 after that.

I really, really hate my ex. I particularly hate being lectured about DS2’s wellbeing by a man who buys wheat-based cereal after agreeing to a GF kitchen due to his son’s coeliac disease.

And I hate him trying to manipulate the situation to imply that I am controlling and abusive and awful. I’m partly convinced that the bedtimes issue only matters to him because a later bedtime might interfere with ex’s social life.

Also... he’s been making veiled threats regarding our agreed residency arrangements. Hints that if I don’t just do as I’m told then ‘things will have to change’.

Classic, abusive shit.

He saw that my mortgage offer had come through (as if left the paperwork on the kitchen table), so I suspect this is all part of his power play because his actual power is reducing (lovely clear evidence that financially I do not need the arsehole). He also covered it up because clearly he thinks that it’s supposed to be a secret (because he wants my buying a house to be one).

I’m a fit of pettiness, I have ‘unfriended’ the wanker on FB. I did have him on my restricted list anyway so it makes no real difference, but I don’t want him to even be on my ‘vague acquaintances on social media’ list.

He's an abuse arse, start crossing the days out on the calendar until you are free.

In fact put some "pretend" events in such as D Day and Escape then write things like 7 days to go just to f*ck with his mind