A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

@Turnedovernewleaf I don’t mind at all.

I would probably either ignore the message, or simply message back saying something like, ‘yes I know that [ex] is deceitful. That is why we are no longer in a relationship.’ But is probably just ignore it because I don’t think replying would be of any benefit.

This just isn’t something you need to be thinking about really. You’ve got enough to deal with!

How annoying about the can opener @shitwithsugaron. But at least you can just buy yourself a new one and see it as a great thing, because it means you are no longer sharing so much as a can opener with him!

How are you feeling about what your H has said now, @namechanged77? It sounds a bit like a classic ‘say some of the right things and mess with her head but not actually make any changes’ tactic from here, but only you can really know. I totally understand what you mean about the fact he knows it’s not OK but still does it makes it all much worse.

The rest of yesterday was better than the morning because I didn’t see ex at all. Apparently he had a work thing, so it was just me and the kids (although one of them is technically not a child now!). I had to take DS2 to buy some new goggles for swimming because his broke on Tuesday (and a spare pair for his kit bag too), and there was much running around to be done. But it all felt fairly relaxed because it was just the 3 of us.

I am quite achey though (although good ache, rather than bad). I went to an arial Pilates class on Tuesday at lunchtime (which was great fun) and was definitely feeling it yesterday and when I got up this morning. I did a Pilates class this morning though and feel a bit better for it (even if I was reluctant to go beforehand). I’ve got another class to go to before work tomorrow too. I am determined to have a flatter stomach.

Not because I’ll be wearing a bikini, though. I’m going on holiday for a few days to Oban this summer, so I will be more likely to be wearing a jacket than a bikini! I just want to have a flatter stomach for me.

@UnimaginativeUsername

Thank you for allowing me to use your thread to gain opinion. I'm just curious to :
why now?
how long has she been thinking about it for ?
is she just being kind about letting me know ?
does she want to cause trouble?

I'm pleased that she thinks of him the way that she does.
I think ex thought she would wait for him. He enjoyed living in 2 worlds.

I'm just REALLY REALLY curious

I agree with you here:

how annoying about the can opener @shitwithsugaron. But at least you can just buy yourself a new one and see it as a great thing, because it means you are no longer sharing so much as a can opener with him! grin

......shopping without ex around, SO much easier and aerial Pilates, wow! I'm sure you'll be happier with your tummy in no time

I like to think of it as our thread, rather than just mine!

I’d be very curious too, especially about the why now/what prompted it aspect. My guess is he’s done something recently that’s really annoyed her. And from the sounds of him, it could be a whole range of annoying things!

I thoroughly recommend arial Pilates. It was hard, but fun. She had us hanging upside down at one point! And you get to lie back and relax in the hammock at the end. One of my colleague’s is going to come with me next time - I think it’ll be even more fun with a friend to laugh about it with.

One day I will have a stomach that is flat and not wobbly. Or, at least, flatter and less wobbly! I plan to have fun while getting there though.

Today I am irritated with ex because he (as usual) puts his own needs and wants before his son.

When DS2 was diagnosed with coeliac, we agreed that we would all eat GF at home (to prevent cross contamination). So I cleared out everything containing gluten.

Yesterday ex decided that he would go out and buy himself a box of cereal and bread, neither of which are GF. And then put them in the pull out larder where the bread in particular can drop crumbs onto other things. I had to tell him to move them (to the bottom shelf of the other larder so any crumbs will land on the floor), but I just despair at his selfishness.

It also means that I can’t safely use the butter for anything for DS2, because it’s full of breadcrumbs. Ex just refuses to see that he should make changes along with everyone else. Although that’s just the problem with him generally. I’m sure you can all see the pattern!

I do really worry about whether he’ll be able/willing to properly cater for DS2’s condition when he has him on his own. It’s not exactly looking good, is it?

This is the same man that a couple of days after DS2 was put on a GF diet (and had just discovered that he can’t have pick and mix sweets for the cinema, so was quite disheartened), insisted on buying himself cookies to eat. Because he couldn’t possibly put DS’s feelings above his own wants.

Obviously I don’t expect him to eat an entirely GF diet, but maybe he could wait til DS2 has adjusted to his new diet before eating things DS2 likes but can’t have in front of him. Maybe he could think that DS2 might be feeling very disappointed that he can’t have things and adjust his behaviour to be sensitive to that.

Apparently not.

He's an arse through and through

I have just discovered your thread UU and I have to say what grace and style you are dealing with this difficult situation with.

I am particularly horrified by the attitude of your ex in your last post. My DD1 is severely allergic to my three favourite nuts (and I LOVE nuts). My favourite breakfast is peanut butter on toast. NO WAY would I ever eat any of these things in front of her! Or even in our house. When I was on mat leave with DD2 I simply went without for 14 months until I went back to work. It didn’t cross my mind that anyone else might do differently. Thank goodness you’re getting yourself and your boys away from such a selfish, irresponsible man.

UnimaginativeUsername - what an arse he is... I was starting to think how you could manage things - make DH have his own food store in his own cupboard kind-of-thing. But it's hard to work out ways of managing someone who's being so thoughtless towards his own DH. Would it help if someone like a GP gave him a firm talking to about looking after a child with coeliac? And, if you really are worried about how DH will look after your son when you're separated, maybe it would be worth mentioning when you're discussing access. If STBXH really can't deal with it then the authorities would take a dim view.

For my situation, I'm really struggling with working out what I want/can expect. He did acknowledge what was/is behind his behaviour and he did say sorry. And that night I did feel a lot closer to him, and like there might be a hope. But I can't let things go. I don't feel like he's faced up to how his moods and anger affected me and the DCs.

It was oldest DCs birthday this week. Guess who sorted EVERYTHING - and he was there in person, but seemed weirdly distant. He's been more engaged with moaning about some minor criticism of work he did - almost obsessing about it. It's been affecting his sleep too. It fits in with the whole thing about him not being able to deal with 'failing' - the irony being that he's failing massively at marriage and family life.

It makes me wonder if there's some kind of mental health issue underlying it all. But then I think, I'm not sure I can be there for him if it is.

@shitwithsugaron - Yes, it's those peaks and troughs of hope that are so hard to deal with, though each time I find I don't hope quite so much... Sorry to hear about your STBXH - if he was on citalopram and having counselling, you would have hoped something would have changed, if it was a real mental health issue....

Maybe I'm being heartless - I do know part of having a mental health problem is it's hard for the person to get perspective, so if that IS what DH is dealing with it's not going to be easy for him to face up to. But I feel like you - it probably really boils down to general bastard-ness (good word btw)...

Thanks @BadgerFace. I’m telling myself that at least gluten just makes DS2 unwell, rather than being immediately life threatening. I would be terrified if I had to leave ex in charge of a child with that kind of allergy.

I’m glad it is not just me that thinks ex is being an arse about food. Ex’s attitude about his desire for a gluten-laden breakfast has been making me wonder if I’m being over-cautious and unreasonable. DS1 is perplexed too - he’s got no problem with GF eating at home (and was totally happy to go somewhere coeliac friendly for a birthday dinner if DS2 was going to come), and think ex should just stop being selfish.

I think it’s perfectly possible for someone to have mental health issues and just be a general bastard. The former don’t excuse the latter (however much the general bastards might like us to think it does). Many (probably most) people with MH problems manage perfectly well to be decent human beings!

I think I spent many years feeling that ex’s general bastardness might be poor mental health and that I should be more sympathetic. He does have MH issues (OCD in particular), but his horrible attitude, selfishness and general shittiness are just a basic problem with him and how he chooses to behave.

In nicer news, I decided I couldn’t be bothered making dinner tonight so I tried out domino’s GF pizza, which was alright (if tiny). DS2 really liked it - and seemed happy to be able to have takeaway.

He said I'm not a single parent, I'm just single with a daughter I'll see every other weekend. Wanker.

Wow. That is a scary statement for him to be making.

I can understand why you’re uncomfortable. Unfortunately I think there’s little you can do about his childcare arrangements when he has your DD. Could you try to reframe it so that you look at it as positive that he’s at least making some arrangements and it could be a chance for your DD to develop stronger relationships with her aunt and cousins. That might help you to feel better, if nothing else.

I took DS2 to snowboarding this morning (his instructor is very nice to look at - I suspect I’m not the only mum whose kid he teaches that sees this as an advantage!) and then stopped by Tesco to get something for lunch on the way back. We found some GF kitkats, which made up for his disappointment that he can’t have quavers or sweet chilli sensations (he can have the Tesco sweet chilli crisps though). His moaning that a GF diet is rubbish was cut short when he decided the Tesco GF kitkats taste just like normal ones. And then he remembered that his friends all thought his chocolate covered rice cakes (which he took as a snack for after swimming at school yesterday) were really delicious. So he’s feeling positive again. He will get used to it and stop caring so much about things he can’t have.

Ex is going to take DS2 somewhere today. I said he could have the car (more so DS2 can have a better day than anything else). I also don’t need the car today. My mum and stepdad are coming down to visit and we’re taking DS1 out for dinner tonight. Tomorrow DS2 has swimming training at a slightly awkward time (11.30) but I’ll take him and his grandparents out to do something fun after that.

He said I'm not a single parent, I'm just single with a daughter I'll see every other weekend I would have turn around and said that's right your are dad who see his child every other weekend. A parent is someone who is responsible for bringing up a child. Idiot (him not you).

I hope you don't mind on the gluten free front, but gluten is in things like own brand cola except aldi and malt vinegar. You have to check labels on everything. However baked potatoes, Heinz beans and most mainstream ketchups are fine. It's surprising how much you can keep the same.

btw a lot of the gluten free stuff, while utterly eyewateringly expensive, is a lot nicer. I don't know if you have a Tesco near you, but their gluten free breaded chicken is really, really nice.

Good luck getting your ex to understand how much it can damage your son. You can't teach a willingness to hear.

Thanks @Meckity1. I’ve been checking labels on everything - it is in all sorts of unexpected places. I’ve got the coeliac society app too, so I can check on there.

I didn’t realise cola had gluten in it. DS2 mostly drinks water, so I haven’t checked any fizzy drinks at this point. I’ll have to make sure he knows he can’t have cola (for school discos or at friends’ houses).

There’s an amazing lady locally who sells gf cake mixes if you enjoy baking together?

She does post them out, also posts cakes too!

Search on Facebook for All Mine Cakes, she replies super quick

Dd was dairy free and I found Tesco to be the best supermarket for allergies. Wonder how much you can sell gf bagels to exh for?! £3 each!

Here’s her website

www.allminecakes.co.uk

Wonder how much you can sell gf bagels to exh for?! £3 each!

Haha. At least!

I’ll look into the baking mixes. Thanks.

Ex kept checking with me what time my mum would be arriving. What time we’d be finished with dinner. What time my mum will be coming round tomorrow etc. I was vague in all my answers (not least because I haven’t prepared a military style timetable for the weekend). He’s rushed off out with DS2 - anyone would think he’s avoiding seeing my mum. He’s not enough of a grown up to simply be polite and say ‘hi’.

I don’t actually care. Mostly I think it’s quite pathetic.

I have been reading for quite a while but not commented, I started my own thread about ending my marriage as I have an arse for a husband. Can I just say how fab you all are on this thread?

I just wanted to comment on GF drinks - I am gluten intolerant (although I have seen a homeopath for treatment and can now eat some gluten every day but not 3 or 4 times a day like I did years ago)

I have found that it is most dark fizzy drinks that are the issue so coke, vimto etc as they add barley malt extract to give it a dark colour.
Also Ribena (as in squash) contains barley malt extract.

Its a minefield to start with but gets easier with time, I was also very gutted not to be allowed Sensations Sweet Chilli but Tyrell's Sweet Chilli crisps are to die for and are gluten free (I think all their crisps are except salt and vinegar)

I love that your sons friends are embracing this whole change with him and saying positive things - they probably don't even realise what they are doing but it sure helps DS come to turns with his condition.

DS2 will be pleased to know that tyrell’s sweet chilli crisps are good. The Tesco ones were pretty good too.

I thought it was really sweet when DS2 was telling he about his friends. Apparently he was sharing snacks with snackless friends and one was reluctant to try rice cakes. The other friend did and announced that they were delicious (‘like chocolate popcorn’). So then the other one wanted to try too, and he agreed. So they’re not just trying to be kind, which makes it even nicer. :) He does have lovely friends.

I went out for dinner with DS2 and my mum and stepdad. It was awesome. We went to a fancy, Michelin started restaurant with a tasting menu and the food was great. I paid on my credit card and I’ll think about how much that was later! (I do actually have the money, as I slightly over-budgeted for it, but it’s still a lot of money). It was actually quite nice to take my mum and stepdad out for a change - usually they insist on paying for everything. And he’s only going to be 18 once. :)

Did you go out on Friday OP?

No. But only because my friend was ill and had to cancel. We’re going out this Friday instead.

I think I have read every post in this thread & even if my problems in life are wildly different, there is so much wisdom for the ages in here!

In a way it's good that the scales have fallen from many pairs of eyes but at real personal cost & I'm so happy for everyone planning their futures here. I wish you every success and have no doubt that your lives are headed for a real upswing

Also, 'Daddy Pig' had me rolling in the aisles!