A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

"Also in ‘stupid things ex does’, he asked if going vegan would help with the coeliac thing."

Ok this is a bee in my bonnet: the male privilege of knowing nothing about nutrition. (and talking aobut it anyway)

Mine does that too @AntiGrinch !! And without giving potentially outing detail, my job means I actually do know FAR more than him! He's also a complete hypocrite - he nags me if he doesn't like what I've allowed them to have but then does things like buying them a bag of chips to share an hour before dinner ...

And he does that thing of saying DCs should do more reading/practice/whatever BUT NEVER DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT!! Sorry for the caps - it's just so frustrating. I know he won't change either.

Yes, to the privilege of not having to know about nutrition. Ex has only just read the coeliac information we’ve had for days (and is available online). The first thing I did (and both grandmothers did) when coeliac was even raised as a possibility was to look it up online/find out what he’d be able to eat.

And yes, it does extend into everything: having an opinion even though he knows nothing about it or can’t be bothered to do it himself.

We have (finally) told DS2. He is, as you’d imagine, really upset and currently wants to watch minecraft shite on an iPad alone. DS1 cheered him up a bit earlier, but ex keeps insisting that we go up to see him together to reopen his wounds before they’ve even started to heal to check he’s OK. I’ve now persuaded ex that we should just give him space - and I told DS2 that he can speak to DS1 whenever he wants. I think that an afternoon with DS1 might actually really help him, because that will feel much less pressured than being with ex or me. And DS1 is really kind and good fun too.

I was thinking about you all day yesterday knowing you were planning to tell DS2. I hope it went as well as it could & that EXP wasn't a complete dickhead.

When will you be showing DS2 the new house?

@UnimaginativeUsername

Your probably pleased that you have told DS2 and it's a weight off your mind but I do hope your both ok.

It's a shame ex hasn't took much interest in coeliac information.

I've had a few frustrating moments over the last few days. Have wanted to go to a top of a big hill and scream!!!!...

DS2 is doing OK. DS1 has been brilliant with him. Ex (as always) projected his he’d behave into DS1 and was convinced he’d tell DS2 that he thinks his dad is an abusive narcissistsay loads of horrible things about him. But that’s just ex’s twisted thinking.

DS1 is completely capable of putting DS2’s interests first and really would not want to make anything harder for his brother. So he has spent time playing silly games and talking nonsense with him.

I’m going to take DS2 to see the new house at some point next week. I’ll need to see when the owner/EA can facilitate it. I think he’ll be able to see the future more positively (and concretely) once he’s seen the house.

I've had a few frustrating moments over the last few days. Have wanted to go to a top of a big hill and scream!!!!...

I can totally imagine. Hope you’re feeling a bit more relaxed now.

I have 2 DS - I hope they grow up to be as lovely as your DS1

I hope seeing the house helps to settle DS2's mind about the future.

I’m sure they will @ThinkOfAWittyNameLater.

DS2 seems to be OK with everything now. I’m pretty certain he already knew (or strongly suspected) and it was just that he was upset about his suspicions being confirmed yesterday.

He came down this morning and asked if he could see the new house online. I’d said he could see it whenever he wanted to but he obviously wasn’t ready yesterday. He came down to my room as soon as he woke up this morning and asked to see it. He likes it. He particularly likes that he’ll be able to walk to school and leave for school later because he’s so close.

He also said that ‘one good thing’ is that if he has two colours he likes for his room then he can paint the walls one colour in our house and another in his dad’s. Children can be really random sometimes!

Ex will presumably be annoyed that I showed DS2 the house without him being there. He has a horrible habit of hanging around so I can’t get to speak to DS2 without him there presumably because he’s paranoid about all sorts. Unless, of course, it suits him to be doing something else. It will be so wonderful not to have ex hanging around like a bad smell (with a general air of disappointment) all the time once we move.

The other thing DS2 said that was interesting was about kitchens. He likes the kitchen in the new house, but he said ‘oh we can’t bring the kitchen that’s here and it’s so cool’. He’s obviously realised how weird it is to redo the kitchen just how you want it (and not on the cheap) and then move.

DH is being so weird at the moment.

He's avoiding being in the same room as me - especially when the kids are in bed. (Last night he was in the garden drinking gin.) We've been sleeping in separate rooms for a fortnight too.

So things are only going one way right? I'm sad, but it seems more honest.

The really weird bit is that when he's with me and the DCs he talks about family holidays or other plans in the future, like everything's hunky-dory....

I don't understand what's going on in his head at all. Is he trying to guilt me into giving into giving in (because I should just accept his behaviour..)?

@UnimaginativeUsername

I'm pleased that DS2 seems ok this morning and is curious about the new house.
Looking ahead it will be wonderful not having ex hanging around, (oh how I long for that!) each day your a step closer to your goal

Hope today will be reasonable for all us ladies in our similar situations

Sorry @UnimaginativeUsername - should have said I'm pleased DS2 is OK today. xx

If Ex says anything I would ask "Do you really not think DS2 hadn't realised things weren't ok? However upset he was yesterday he's not traumatised FGS"

Oh my goodness! My husband EXACTLY the same. As described by Antigrinch. Trouble for me is that though he wanted a divorce 2 1/2 years ago he then 'changed his mind' and as a supposed Christian is telling me that God hates divorce and we'll always be married in God's sight etc etc. He is totally ignoring the divorce process (thinks he's above the law) so I have no idea how long the divorce will take. Meanwhile he's busy trying to alienate our children (and everyone else), from me, being a superlative con artist and acting the hard done-by injured party. I don't have a job and am living in our house like an impecunious lodger. The food thing - I totally get it.

@coraltree you're husband is an ignorant arse, using misconceptions of his religion as a front.

Divorce is not a sin in Christianity. It never had been.

Re-marriage is where it gets tricky. That's why priests do not refuse a divorcee communion but some will refuse to marry divorcees.

He's no Christian.

*your
Bloody auto correct

Ahh UnimaginativeUsername I'm glad DS2 is handling everything ok, upset is par for the course but at least he's aware and is focusing on the positives!

Yes, to the privilege of not having to know about nutrition. Ex has only just read the coeliac information we’ve had for days (and is available online). The first thing I did (and both grandmothers did) when coeliac was even raised as a possibility was to look it up online/find out what he’d be able to eat.

This reminded me of my ex. Ex was like this - not about nutrition but IVF, we had to have IVF when we were trying for kids and the moment we were told I researched it, using my brain I was actually able to put 2 and 2 together and figured out what treatment was going to be most likely recommended. He did nothing, buried his head in the sand and shut me down anytime I tried to talk about it. Apparently I wasn't allowed to come to any conclusions (which coincidentally matched what the doctors told us!). Oh but once he got wind that I'd have to lose weight - he came at me. I wasn't allowed to say I wanted chocolate cake (wasn't eating the fucking thing!) and there was a point at which he made a comment how it was unfair we might not be able to have kids because I can't control myself around food (total fucking lie and it was because of him we had to have fertility treatment - not me!).

I second ThinkOfAWittyNameLater - your husband is an arse coraltree. I'm quite religious, husband tried to use that against me - wanted me to write to my Guru for advice because basically he hoped that Guru would say stay in the marriage. I refused to do it because on previous occasions he has expressed doubt etc on my beliefs.

In good news, estate agent comes this week to take photos of the house, I have my mortgage in principle and am itching to put an offer on a house (so scared it will be sold!) any ideas how soon I can do it .

Someone suggested I write a letter to the owners and see if they would accept an offer as I don't think they have found anywhere just yet...not sure if this is a good idea or not though.

Oh Coraltree they'll use anything they can! Other PP will know more about religion - but I know nothing gives our 'D' Hs the excuse to behave as they do. Arse(s) indeed!

And Iwantanewusername I can't believe yours behaved like that when it was HIS issue!

I'd say mine is being an arse too... One thing I don't know if I'm being fair about - he's at home with the kids today. He had to work between 5-7 this morning (at home) so went back to sleep afterwards. DCs were up about 8.30 and left to their own devices until gone 10 (he was two floors up). They're 8 and 10 - so not babies. But I wouldn't go out and leave them for an hour and a half...

And last night he wanted to come back and sleep in our room - when he'd huffed off to the spare room after a row 2 weeks ago and has barely spoken to me since. So no mate, you can't.

namechanged77 Oh I know, there were other comments in a similar vein tbh, once when I had the joys of using pessaries, was lying down to keep it in (TMI) before we left to go somewhere. He comes into the bedroom and starts going off on one because I was lying down, when I explained why, he lost it thinking I was accusing him of ruining our chances etc. Nuts I tell you.

I feel for you, I swear my ex lives on another planet! I mentioned last week some of the awful things he said to me, on Sunday he was showing me something and gestured for me to sit on his lap!??! Unsurprisingly, I said no. Fuckhead.

@iwantanewusername - Sex is the answer isn't it?!? Silly us for not just spreading our legs!

A couple of weeks ago. DH seemed to be in a more reasonable mood, so I tried to get him to talk about our problems. Fat chance. His answer was to say everything would be better if we just did It.

Erm no... He huffed off to the spare room and has been there ever since!

Yes, silly us indeed! I think they don't want to face reality basically. Idiots. When I got promoted last month, instead of saying congratulations or well done, ex asked if I wanted a celebratory shag . He wouldn't let up either when I said no.

What I really wanted to say to him was yes I do, just not with you!

It sounds like your H is in denial about the state of your marriage @namechanged77. It’s strange how they can’t see that you’d only want to have sex with them if they treated you like a proper human being at all times. Presumably he’d have had a go at you if you’d left the kids unattended while you slept in because double standards seem to be an important thing for crap exes.

Your H sounds like a total arse @coraltree. Absolutely awful. It must be so hard for you. I hope you can find a way out.

I’m glad you’re getting your house on the market @iwantanewusername. Hopefully it’ll sell quickly. Your IVF story is horrible (surely IVF is horrible enough without your partner being a total arse). I bet it’s one of those things that you look back at and think, ‘why in earth didn’t I just leave him then?’. I have lots of those moments. Ah, hindsight!

DS2 seems to have gotten his head around the split. He’s quite upbeat about it all now really. He’s spent today with ex as I had colleagues visiting from another city. He texted me to ask about dinner because it appears that he’s incapable of figuring out that he can phone for a GF pizza from dominos, or DS2 can eat the leftovers in the fridge. Apparently he really struggled at lunch because he couldn’t figure out that pizza express do loads of GF (despite the fact that I already told him this) or he could have gone to the paleo place on the high street that @UnapologeticallyUnhinged suggested. He took him swimming, so it would have been a short walk there.

Instead he made the unfathomable decision to ignore the M&S cafe and Asda cafe that are across the road from the train station both of which I’m pretty certain would serve baked potatoes (plus all the options on the high street a short walk away). Instead, to get on the train to go to the giant Tesco which apparently didn’t have any GF options in the cafe other than scones. The fact that the giant Tesco does have plenty of GF options in the aisles seemed to have esaped him. So DS2 had scones for lunch. I think he was trying to make me feel guilty for (a) taking my car to work, (b) having something to do myself other than cooking dinner, and (c) not having left food specifically for DS2’s dinner so ex had to figure it out himself.

Take some bloody responsibility for feeding your son, ex!

Clearly he needs more practice!!!

UnimaginativeUsername I am raging on your behalf! It's not rocket science?! It's the inability to think for himself and still expecting you to pick up the slack.

Ahh I do have many of those moments - like the time he refused to help me the day after I had surgery on my leg. Wouldn't talk to me, just got stroppy and made me put myself in a precarious position all because he pissed himself off. I still have no idea what went through his mind.

However, I was good at convincing myself it was my fault and I deserved it. It's why I married him, figured I'd made my bed and now had to lie in it. Thank God I've eventually come to my senses!