A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

I would have said that year was welcome to come to the appt but not in your car...

Well he works across the road from the hospital. Literally - he can see the children’s outpatients department from his office window.

And he did the insisting on coming to drop him off in front of DS2. So I couldn’t really refuse to allow him in my car at that point.

Yes you could....

Start stopping his manipulation!!!!

Sorry not possible I have plans...

Well I will be better able to after Friday (when I am telling DS2 regardless what ex thinks). I still obviously have to model friendly co-parenting for him (because it’s good for him, nothing to do with ex) but it gives me greater scope to set very firm boundaries with ex and reduces his scope for manipulation.

I do also try to remember that, annoying as ex is, he does love DS2 and probably wanted to get to see him (since he was away last night). I made ex endure the world’s worst radio 4 comedy in the car though. He clearly hated it.

If he is Narcissistic he only loves himself and your DS will only be in favour until he develops his own opinions...

Be careful that your DS isn't learning that Dad is entitled to what he wants!

You’re right. Of course.

But DS2 definitely does love his dad. And I have to believe that ex is capable of loving him, even if he’s incapable of giving a shit about anyone else. At least in some way.

Although you’re right that ex is more difficult with DS2 the more DS2 has his own ideas and opinions. Ex is generally only happy when DS2 is interested in something ex likes, or when he feels DS2’s activities reflect well on him. So he clearly hates having to take DS2 to swimming, but (for the moment) says he’s happy for him to be joining the city team and winning medals. Similarly, he likes that DS2 is doing his grade 1 piano, but doesn’t like that he has to spend time practising every day (rather than participating in the brilliant fun dad pretence). Same with reading - he likes it when DS2 gets ‘exceeding expectations’ for this but really begrudges any time I spend listening to him read/reading to him.

Sounds like you need to be wary of the future he is already showing you that he doesn't truly live DS2 or want the best for him

When DS2 starts asking questions I would respond as often as possible with "what do you think" your DS2 needs every opportunity to identify his own thoughts and feelings and express them...

That’s helpful advice. Thanks.

I think that living mostly with me will be helpful for DS2. I can give him the space to grow into himself and explore his own ideas (I already do that - it’s me that suggests and facilitates/organises pretty much everything he does) and he can make his own mind up about his dad.

One thing I’ve learned from my own experiences of a dreadful father is that I need to make sure that DS2 has space and confidence to decide when and how he sees his dad as he gets older. I felt utterly obliged to see my dad, even though it was often terrible for me. I never want DS2 to feel that way.

I think DS1 may be the best help in that regard. Because DS2 can talk to him about his dad in very different ways to how he will talk to me. DS1 is probably the nicest big brother ever, so he will actually enjoy being able to support his brother. And he’s amazingly diplomatic about ex when DS2 is around. Unlike ex, DS1 can (and will) consider other people’s needs as well as his own.

@UnimaginativeUsername

Just checked in for the day.

Pleased that you have diagnosis for DS2 and you can start to gather information about his diet and well being. Sorry to hear that you had to endure ex for the journey but loved how you kept to your radio 4.

I can relate to the following:

Ex is generally only happy when DS2 is interested in something ex likes, or when he feels DS2’s activities reflect well on him. So he clearly hates having to take DS2 to swimming, but (for the moment) says he’s happy for him to be joining the city team and winning medals. Similarly, he likes that DS2 is doing his grade 1 piano, but doesn’t like that he has to spend time practising every day (rather than participating in the brilliant fun dad pretence). Same with reading - he likes it when DS2 gets ‘exceeding expectations’ for this but really begrudges any time I spend listening to him read/reading to him.

The above is my ex all over. When it's parents evening at school and the teachers are talking about the children's homework and reading ex is completely clueless. The teachers are thanking us ( me ! ) for all the 'extras' that we ( I ) do with the children to expand their knowledge. Since beginning of school last September ex has read once with one and twice with the other. He has never looked in our youngest ones homework book. Therefore he hasn't a clue what the teachers talking about at parents evening, he just shuffles in his seat

Shamelessly place marking for updates on this thread I’ve been glued to for days... you ladies are inspiring and I am revelling in your confidence that you can manage brilliantly without a ‘D’P dragging you down!

@Turnedovernewleaf

My ex is a nightmare at parents’ evenings. At the last one, the teacher was explaining that DS2 is doing really well in reading and writing (and she knows that I we read a lot with him) and is doing fine at maths. So ex fixated on the ‘problem’ (because he considers working at national expectations not good enough) and kept asking how to make sure he was ‘working at depth’ for maths too. He just cannot celebrate the positives and starts picking on what he perceives to be negatives.

The really frustrating thing is that ex is shit at maths. He was in the bottom set for maths at school and only just managed to fluke a pass in his GCSE. His parents would have been delighted if his teachers told them he was performing in line with expectations! He also has crap grammar - and what he does know is because I taught him - and never reads outside of work, ever. You’d think all of this would make him appreciate how well DS2 is doing, but nothing is ever good enough.

He was much the same at the swimming gala. He was clearly disappointed in DS2’s performance throughout - he hesitated a bit at the start, he didn’t win his heats (which included kids 3 years older than him as they mix them all up and then do te results by time), etc. Then the results came in and you’d think he hadn’t been so bloody negative the whole way through.

Luckily DS2 wasn’t there to hear any of it in either case.

@Happycow Thanks. I’ve really found that posting on this thread has helped me to think more clearly and to be more confident. Sometimes, if I’m tempted to be a bit of a doormat with ex, I think of what kind of responses I’d get on here about it and resolve not to let him get away with whatever it is. ‘Would I want to admit to this on the thread?’ is a great test in any situation with ex.

And it is cathartic to share the shit with everyone, and laugh about our terrible exes! (Especially when the alternative might be to despair alone).

Just remember you can insist on separate parents evenings now

You can't stop him watching his swimming but you can insist that he doesn't encroach on you and DS whilst there when it's your evening/weekend with him!

Hello. Been lurking on here a while and admiring the balls being shown!! I am at a slightly earlier stage - we haven't had the End Talk yet, but in separate rooms and counselling going nowhere. (He's controlling and EA, so it's not really surprising.)

@UnimaginativeUsername @Turnedovernewleaf Can completely relate to the DC stuff. All good when they do well at something - but no effort helping them. And snarky comments if they don't want to do what he wants - especially the oldest.

@UnimaginativeUsername

Sorry to hear ( but doesn't surprise me ) that your Ex is rather trying at parents evenings.

Yes, it's definitely cathartic to share info. Thanks for starting the thread.

@namechanged77

I get snarky comments and sniggers when the children aren't forthcoming with doing their homework. He will enter the room, laugh and say " oh no, is mum trying to get you to do boring homework!"
I say nothing in return and take a big deep breath. Learning to have the patience of a saint.

When the children achieve something or gain special merits in school for doing something 'above and beyond ' its always much later when he finds out, usually at least a week or so (he would never ask about their day ) and then he'll say "that's because of all the work I do with you and all the input I put in" the children just say " no, don't think so, you just look at your phone or watch tv" . I smile quietly to myself or on occasion I say " wow and that's without any prompting "

the children just say " no, don't think so, you just look at your phone or watch tv" . I smile quietly to myself or on occasion I say " wow and that's without any prompting

Haha.

Ex always used to claim credit for DS2’s phonics prowess when he was in reception. Apparently it was because ex talked to him as made up rhymes when he was a baby. Clearly no one else (including DS2) has had any input into it at all.

I’ve been reading the Lundy Bancroft book. It’s amazing how much of it is about ex.

DS2 is back from his school trip so I took him to Tesco to browse the gluten free stuff and we bought a GF pizza and some digestive biscuits. He is a bit miffed about some of the things he can’t have, so I’ve promised that we can try out baking with GF flour at the weekend. And I’ll make him GF pancakes with bacon for breakfast on Sunday.

I know things are still trying for so many of you fabulous girls, but I am excited to hear your stories when you break away into your own homes. You are all amazing!

Hope all goes well Unimaginitive when you explain things to DS2.

@UnimaginativeUsername

Not heard of Lundy Bancroft but will give it a google.

Hope GF diet will be an easy challenge and DS2 will develop some 'favourites'. Do you think ex will be supportive / show an interest with this at all ?

It’s the ‘why does he do that?’ book that often gets recommended on MN. It has descriptions of different ‘types’ of abusive partners. Ex is the Water Torturer with bits of The Demand Man and Mr Right I’d say. There are bits of the book that I read and wonder if ex was somehow sent on a standardised training course to learn to do this shit; even the wording he’ll use is sometimes identical to some of the examples.

Another recommendation for Lundy Bancroft. There's the original 'Why does he do that?' And a more recent one - think it's called 'Daily Wisdom ' or something along those lines.

I got them both. I decided to turn over the pages that had something that resonated.

I turned over a lot of pages...

@UnimaginativeUsername
@namechanged77

Thank you both of you. I'll take a look.

Sorry to sound off but Ex has just really annoyed me..... I'd just finished tidying up after tea and about to start homework.
Ex Waltsers in from work and shouts " who wants to go out for ice-cream" the children say "yes". So I say "i was just about to start homework that needs to be in for tomorrow so if I'm out when you get back could you make a start please" He started shouting "why are you going to be out" "I'm going out tonight, I won't be here" "you will have to do it" .
He makes me so cross that he is so disinterested and cannot prioritise what the children's needs are. He'll probably bring them back late, they'll be tired and I'll be the one having to deal with it.....

Sorry to sound off but Ex has just really annoyed me....

No need to apologise. Sounding off about annoying exes is exactly what this thread is for. I can’t think of anything more appropriate to moan about on here than that!

I’d be very annoyed too. It is ridiculous that he can’t see what’s actually important - fun dad at the expense of the children’s actual needs is not helpful at all. Are you going somewhere nice tonight?

Ex has been quite irritating in trying to monopolise DS2’s time today. I picked DS2 up from his after school club at 4.15 and brought him home. We were watching some utter rubbish together (carnage on now tv). Ex came in at the back of 5 and immediately called out for DS2. He came up to where we were watching it and tried to get DS2 to come downstairs and play video games with him, saying that he’s hardly seen him. I pointed out that neither had I, to which he replied that I ‘probably picked him up from school at 3.15’. It annoys me so much that he really does try to take up DS2’s time and attention with things he’s interested in - and really obviously tried to prevent me from sharing anything with DS2. Wanker.

When DS2 finished watching carnage, he went downstairs and ... watched his dad play CoD4.

Today I’m wondering how much money ex has managed to squirrel away during our time of shared finances.

I got paid today, and the big bills all come out if the account on the same day I’m paid. He doesn’t get paid til next week. However, he has managed to transfer his half of the mortgage and bills before being paid (despite going out loads), whereas I had no money left (despite doing nothing exciting with mine). I guess I’ll never know.

I’ve transferred all my money into my account and paid off my credit card bill, so I’m good for the next month.

Also in ‘stupid things ex does’, he asked if going vegan would help with the coeliac thing. I pointed out that meat, dairy and veg are all naturally gluten free, so I didn’t think cutting out two of them (the two DS2 actually likes) would be a great idea. He’d basically exist on broccoli, cherry tomatoes, berries and apples.

I am gf and shopped in all the same places as you (y’know...ex ‘neighbours’ and all that!) it is always hard at first but in the last 5 years in (that place where you live wink) there are loads of places that do delicious gf. Take him to the place on the high street where the post office used to be they have lovely food and it’s a cool atmosphere.

Yes. I was planning to take him to that exact ex-post office. :)