A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

I’d be sorely tempted to ask him why he thinks he needs to tell me these things now. Although appreciate its not appropriate in front of the dc. Talking if which have you decided when to tell dc2, or is ex still stalling on that too?

Ex is still stalling on that. I’ve made it clear that I want to tell him when he gets back from his residential trip (which is next week rather than this week as I’d thought - probably me hoping more than anything). I think telling him just before he’s due to be away for 2 nights with school is probably not the best idea.

He’ll have half term the next week so if we tell him a week today he can have 9 days to get his head around it before he’s back at school. And we can (separately) do nice things with him during half term, including going to visit what will be his wonderful new home.

Ex is avoiding the conversation about this. Of course. He’ll lose control somewhat once we tell DS2 and ex will need to properly start acclimatising to the reality he wanted.

Glad you got out @AntiGrinch. It really sounds like it’s made all the difference for you.

No food weirdness will be a joy!

@UnimagintiveUsername

New day, new situations. The dilemma with his work is his problem. Just um and arr

Explaining to Ds2 will,I'm sure be tough. Have not been in this position to give advice but hoping
you will feel relieved for telling him.

@AntiGrinch

So pleased that you are in a happier place. I with you on eating. My ex eats like a horse, the noise is awful and you can hear him from various rooms around the house.

I wish I could buy my ex's share of the house but this is very unlikely, unless £150,000 comes my way

@ UnimaginativeUsername

......... more dishes have been added to his pile. I'm standing firm and not touching them!

I'm sure DS2 has guessed something is up so its probably best to tell him soon rather than leaving it to when the removal lorry parks up.

Oh I will be insisting that we tell DS2 once he’s back from his trip. I don’t mind waiting til then because half term will give him time. But I’m not waiting any longer than that. I’ll tell him even if ex doesn’t want me too

@Turnedovernewleaf Buy some paper plates and disposable cutlery! Then his pile of dishes won’t inconvenience you. Obviously put them where he won’t find them.

Ex has tried to tell me that he submitted his grant application. I just ignored him, tbh. Why would I care? I almost hope it gets rejected

And he’s complaining about a problem with the electrics in the utility room. Why he hasn’t just phoned the electrician is beyond me.

I found this thread this morning. You are all brilliant! I happily never had to endure your situation, I admire all of you!

@UnimaginativeUsername

......Will give some thought to paper plates although I'd rather it not come to that.

Well said regarding electrics and electrician!

He’s only just gotten round to texting the electrician.

I think he genuinely thought that I should just do it.

Can we set up cameras for when you're not around anymore?

Haha.

Well he plans to move into his colleague’s spare room (apparently). Maybe she (or her partner) will start a thread complaining about their incredibly irritating new flat mate.

That said, she’ll be on the list of people he thinks might be useful in his career. So he’ll probably be nice to her.

Apparently he texted the electrician something like ‘you fixed it before but now it’s not working again’ (with an undertone of ‘so we shouldn’t have to pay you’). So that’ll be an electrician that doesn’t want to work for us then.

Doh!

And, of course, he’s going out tonight. He told me at 7 that he’s going out at 8. Wanker. Maybe Mandy will give a shit about his grant application.

I completely forgot to organise a Friday night out for myself! But I get the house to myself, so I’ll watch some crap on the living room tv.

I would be more annoyed about ex unilaterally deciding that I’ll look after DS2 so he can go out if DS2 handn’t told me today that he always wants to play with his dad when he’s around because he often isn’t around. Whereas he knows that I’m always there when he needs/wants me. He knows that I feed him, and buy food that he likes. That I got his medicine. That I’m that one that organises his out of school activities and makes sure he has the right stuff for them. I’m the one who helps with his piano pieces (even though I can’t play), who reads with him and helps him relax, who takes him to school and picks him up, who gets him ready in the morning, and so on. I’d much rather be the practical, reliable parent who he knows is always there and always will be, than the Disney-type parent!

@UnimaginativeUsername

Would just like to say that ex has delt with his dishes and no paper plates will be needed !

Here's hoping the weekend ahead doesn't bring too many 'situations' although today we're doing a family activity as when ex said he wanted to take the children out by himself they got so upset they made me to promise that I'd go with them

Excellent news on the dishes situation.

That’s hilarious about the family day out. Very telling!

Ex tried to manipulate his way into coming to snowboarding this morning. He asked DS2 is he wanted him to come. DS2 said ‘if you want to’. I suggested that didn’t mean DS2 needed him to come and DS2 said ‘no. It’s fine if you don’t come’. So he’s not here. The slope is super quiet and it’s sunny. His instructor may also be quite good looking

Another morning without him in the way enjoy the eye candy...

Yes. I plan to!

DS2 is doing really well this morning. He’s worked out how to not fall over on the big tow, so he’ll be pleased with himself.

So ex is off out again tonight. He didn’t tell me til 5 mins ago, as he was on his way out the door. Obviously he didn’t want DS2 to know he was going out again.

He’s all dressed up, presumably to impress the lucky Mandy.

If I needed proof that I am the default and resident parent, he’s providing plenty of it. He said he ‘thought he should tell me’ he was going out that minute (into the taxi he’d booked that was waiting outside). Because obviously I’m just supposed to be here.

It’s not even that I want to go out tonight; it’s the complete lack of choice I get. It’s typical ex though. He’s been doing this sort of thing with work and other things since I met him: booking to go to work events that both of us would benefit from with no consultation, so I have to stay at home and look after the kids, etc. It’s just an extension of that. And also his feeling that he’s entitled to a sex life (regardless what I think about it). Luckily he’s not trying to have sex with me, but he just thinks that I exist to facilitate his sex life by being the default babysitter.

I can’t wait to be in my own house!

I can relate to your last post.

The way I view it is that the more he is out the more harmonious it is at home. Without him here is just so peaceful and it's great not being irritated by him.

Some nights he doesn't even return home from work until we're all in bed asleep.

When he's not here the children occasionally ask "what time is Daddy coming home" but other than that he doesn't get a mention. I certainly don't bring him up in conversation.

I hope your evening has been ok? and yes it will be wonderful when your in your new home 🏡

My evening has been fine. I had a long bath and watched some rubbish.

I do prefer it when he’s out. It’s more his assumption that he doesn’t need to check or agree it with me because I’ll just always be there that grates. And also the fact that he thinks his social life should automatically have priority over mine.

He is a selfish git.

However, in the small victories category, he’s obviously a bit put out that his mum texts me and doesn’t text him. I get on really well with his mum. She finds him very difficult (always has - apparently he was a nightmare child) and has often said that she doesn’t know how I have the patience to deal with him. In fact, she has on several occasions chosen to visit when she knows he’ll be away (so genuinely visiting me and the boys, not ex) because she just can’t deal with him.

Today he was clearly put out that she had texted me a couple of photos of what she and his dad were doing that I showed to DS2. I didn’t bring up the fact that she had texted me earlier in the week to ask when DS2’s hospital appointment is and if I’d let her know what happens at it. I would have anyway, but clearly she has no faith that her son would bother. He pretty much only contacts his parents when he wants something (advice on DIY from his dad mostly).

I have no idea why I didn’t register early on what a red flag it is when someone’s perfectly nice and normal parents think their son is an arse! They do love him, but are fully aware of how difficult and selfish he is.

Today has been good. DS2 had a swimming gala - he won 2 gold medals. I’m had to go with ex because that’s how these things go with co-parenting. Hilariously he say one seat away from me with his coat (it’s hot today but he had a coat anyway) on the seat between us.

DS2 is away from Monday to Wednesday on a school trip, so I’m seriously hoping that ex takes the opportunity to stay at Mandy’s and I won’t have to see him at all!

This weekend I’ve started playing the ‘how many times will ex nag DS2 about petty crap?’ game. The figure for this afternoon is very high.

He’s currently having a go at him for eating a biscuit in the living room. You’d think that removing a couple of crumbs from a wooden floor was a Sisyphean task from the way ex is going on.

Been lurking on this thread the whole time and just want to say how much I'm in awe of you UU and the other ladies on here, for managing this situation with such wit and aplomb! Your sons both sound ace, and your stbx is an absolute arse! If professional ethics didn't matter to me (they do), I'd want to find out what field he works in and then spread the word so that no publisher would touch his proposals ever again. Bet he'd handle such rejection super gracefully . I'll be raising a glass to you and your fantastic freedom to come.

Thanks @LassoOfTruth.

He will continue to do very well for himself, because academia is awash with successful men like him. But, at the same time, a lot of their colleagues think they’re arseholes (and I’m sure this will be the case for ex too).

I’d rather be happy than ‘esteemed’ (although people generally do tend to rate my, not at all prolific, work).