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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

999 replies

UnimaginativeUsername · 17/03/2018 20:30

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

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UnimaginativeUsername · 12/05/2018 09:12

No. He’s obviously hungover though. I made breakfast for DS2 and me - not ex (or DS1 who will want to sleep for several hours yet because he’s 17).

DS2 is learning to use the big tow at silkworth now. Luckily it’s super quiet.

It is a small world @RandomMess. Grin

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UnimaginativeUsername · 12/05/2018 11:35

That was so much nicer than when ex tags along. Pleasant and relaxing and fun. DS2 did really well.

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shitwithsugaron · 12/05/2018 19:02

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UnimaginativeUsername · 12/05/2018 19:17

Glad the holiday was great. It’s a shame your ex couldn’t just leave you alone for a few days. Good on you for losing your signal. Grin

I am sure that you are not a bit of a munter. And you’re certainly no less photogenic than me (I am not photogenic). I have precisely two selfies in which I look acceptable.

I’m not necessarily averse to a relationship with someone nice somewhere down the line. A long way down the line most probably. But for the foreseeable future, I just want it to be me and the boys. Partly this is because ex became such a horrible step-father to DS1 (he wasn’t originally - at least while he saw DS1 as a ‘fixable’ project Hmm), so I’m not sure I’d be willing to risk the same with both boys. But you never know. I think I’ll just get on with my life and if I meet someone in the course of doing that, it’ll be fine. But I’m happy to be alone.

I think you’re about a decade younger than me @shitwithsugaron. There’s no reason at all why you can’t meet someone who is right for you and will be great with your DD. You’ve probably developed a better arsehole detector through your ex than I had when I met ex at 27.

Have fun tonight. I hope you’ve been totally vague about the details with your ex. Grin

My plans for tonight are to watch Eurovision and drink wine. This time next year I’ll have a Eurovision party because there is nothing more fun than sharing the ridiculousness with friends. I’ll even let DS2 stay up to watch it!

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UnapologeticallyUnhinged · 13/05/2018 10:53

@shitwithsugaron I bet you are lovely, you just don’t feel it as you’ve been ground down by someone who you once loved and that can have a horrible psychological effect on your self-confidence. When I was with my ex he made me feel like I was the fattest, ugliest woman on the face of the planet. Looking back I was an absolutely gorgeous size 12/14 20-something but I felt like a hog and hid myself away. Now I’m 40, very wobbly all over, going grey and covered in surgery scars and I literally dgaf cos I’m happy for the first time ever. In fact I bit the bullet and decided to say yes when someone asked me out yesterday so tonight I have my first date in almost a year! Now I have to figure out what to wear as most of my non-work clothing is pyjama-based.

shitwithsugaron · 13/05/2018 12:28

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Turnedovernewleaf · 13/05/2018 13:25

Just wanted to say hello and that I've been reading this thread with interest. So pleased you started it op!. What a great place to sound off on!

I admire you all.

I'm in a similar situation myself but house not up for sale yet.

UnapologeticallyUnhinged · 13/05/2018 13:45

@shitwithsugaron please do not worry about what you look like to others. Trust me I have several muffin tops, back boobs, an arse full of cellulite and ‘backne’ but someone super cute still asked me out! And think about the men we’ve fallen for...my ex was bald and clinically obese and I looked at him like he was Tom Hardy! Yes it’s going to be a long road, learning to trust again, especially when you have the ‘lioness protecting her cub’ thing. But there will be someone out there for you. And yes, the ex will get to be the ‘single chap about town’ quicker cos that’s the way men are wired. My ex was engaged within six months and is now married to a girl young enough to be his daughter. And I’m not going to lie that was really hard for me. Even 8 years later it still boils my piss. But I can’t change that and instead have to concentrate on me and mine. And of course I will tell you how it goes when I get home!

UnimaginativeUsername · 13/05/2018 14:21

Good luck with the date @UnapologeticallyUnhinged. Of course someone really cute wanted to go out with you - your sense of confidence comes through here, so it must be even better in person.

@shitwithsugaron I agree that it doesn’t matter what you look like. But I also think your confidence is low at the moment so you feel unattractive regardless of the reality. Getting out into your new place will really help.

Your ex might be out having a great social life (or he may be doing his best to make it appear that way) but think of everything he’s missing out on. My ex is also priding himself on his brilliant social life, but I don’t care. It’s all superficial - he’ll start to really struggle with anyone that has to put up with him did more than a couple of hours at a time.

Sorry to hear you’re in the same situation @Turnedovernewleaf. Have you got any idea when you’re going to put the house on the market?

DS2 has his swim team trial today. He did really well and he’s got a place on a higher squad than I thought he was trying out for. He was the only one that’s not already part of the team trying out for the squad, so he was very nervous. It’s great for him, and I can totally see that his swimming will come on even further in the squad. But it does involve 4 hours of training a week! Eek. That’s a lot of sitting around in swimming pools.

Ex came to the trial too (which seemed fair, since it was a big deal for DS2). He suggested we go for lunch afterwards to celebrate with DS2 (he paid!). And weirdly kept trying to offer to share his chocolate cake with me. I didn’t want any, but wouldn’t have wanted to share anyway.

DS2 has his normal swimming club session tonight too (so he’ll have done 2 hours of swimming today).

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UnimaginativeUsername · 13/05/2018 17:50

I’m not sure ex fully understands that I don’t actually care that he’s got a girlfriend. He keeps furtively checking his phone and then scurrying off to do ‘something’ when he wants to reply. I guess when it starts off as an affair (and it absolutely did) it’s hard to break out of the habit of trying to hide it.

It is kind of funny to watch him going off on some pretext (often going to the toilet - so often that he should be worrying a out diabetes if he actually needs to pee that much) but actually standing in another room/going round the corner and texting someone. It’s not like I’m going to look at his phone or ask who he’s whatsapping.

Annoyingly he decided to offer me advice about what kind of survey to get on my new house. I don’t see why he cares (probably because he can’t believe that I don’t need his help with any of it). He definitely did look it up in RM and I think he’s a bit jealous. Clearly my new life looks much better than he thought it would. Ha!

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VanGoghsDog · 13/05/2018 18:40

My ex was a bit like that - one night it was really late and I was so fed up of being able to hear his voice from downstairs, it was about 2am, I stomped down expecting to tell him to shut TF up in the living room, and he wasn't there - all the lights on, laptop open (didn't look at the screen could not have given a flying F what he was doing) etc - so I went to the kitchen, not there, but could see him outside furtively talking into the phone, smoking (he didn't smoke, but then now and then he did - he knew I hated it, so as soon as we split up he took it up and smoked in the garage and garden, ugh!) - I opened the door swiftly and bellowed "will you shut the fuck up, it's two am!" - scared the life out of him and hope the OW heard me too!

VanGoghsDog · 13/05/2018 18:42

he decided to offer me advice about what kind of survey to get on my new house

My ex had to come to my house to drop some stuff off, I didn't want him here but in the end it was the easiest option. I kind of had to show him around, and in every room he said "you know what you ought to do with this room....." (under my breath "no, but I expect you're going to tell me....") and came out with some stupid guff. Odd because he refused to do anything at all to the house we lived in together.
When I said I was hoping to expand the kitchen and have a shower room downstairs he said "it would be very odd to have a shower room downstairs" - er, OK. I mean, loads of houses do but.....I'm sure you're right!

UnimaginativeUsername · 13/05/2018 18:43

Haha. He must have looked ridiculous.

It’s amazing how you can end up looking at them and thinking, ‘what did I ever see in you?’.

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UnimaginativeUsername · 13/05/2018 18:48

Well done for only muttering under your breath at his decorating/home improvement tips.

Ex has a thing about not altering houses. When we redid our kitchen, I would have extended it to to make it square and/or knocked through into the dining room to create an even more amazing room. But he told me how silly I was. In hindsight I’m glad we didn’t because it would just have been throwing more money away - especially as he was planning to end it even then and still insisting we spend all the money.

The house I’m buying has the kitchen and dining room knocked through to make a lovely big dining kitchen. Grin

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UnimaginativeUsername · 13/05/2018 18:49

He also wouldn’t let me have underfloor heating because it would just all go wrong apparently. The new house has underfloor heating in the hall and kitchen.

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VanGoghsDog · 13/05/2018 19:12

I wanted to extend to the side of our last house to create a utility room and a sort of side porch for the dogs (we fostered dogs, the kitchen was always covered in mud all winter, it would have been nice to have some sort of fire-break to clean them down in before letting them in the house - couldn't have done anything at the front). It would have been very easy and sensible, and we could afford it - we earned c£140k between us so we should def have been able to save up for something quite small like that.
But, no, that was me being silly again.

Now, I can save up and do as I please! The reason I would like a shower room is because the bathroom is quite small, the shower is over the bath, I like having a bath, so don't want to replace that but it would also be nice to have a shower I can just walk into, not have to climb over the bath side. I don't think there is any way to extend the upstairs though.
I'm thinking this would cost £10k, but £20k if I wanted to extend the whole kitchen as well (which would mean new plumbing, units etc).

Oh, my ex wouldn't allow underfloor heating when we had the en suite done, said it cost too much, it was going to add about £200! It needed it too, it was a very cold room.

Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 19:22

The chocolate cake incident is quite interesting. Almost guilt for something.

VanGoghsDog · 13/05/2018 19:41

The chocolate cake was 100% trying to look good in front of DS2!

UnimaginativeUsername · 13/05/2018 19:57

The chocolate cake incident was weird, whatever he was trying to achieve.

@VanGoghsDog A downstairs shower room sounds like a great idea to me. It gives you another bathroom and you have both a bath and a good shower. What’s not to like?

The house I’m buying has a bath and a separate shower in it, which I thought was a real bonus. I think there might be underfloor heating in there too.

I’m going to love walking around with warm feet thinking about the fact that I was right about the brilliance of underfloor heating. Grin

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VanGoghsDog · 13/05/2018 20:06

Good on you with your warm feet!

I have a heated mirror, it's fab. No way would ex ever have agreed to anything so frivolous.

RandomMess · 13/05/2018 20:12

Def weird about the cake... perhaps so he can share your bagels/croissants???

Fingers crossed for a very quick completion!

UnimaginativeUsername · 13/05/2018 20:18

My mum has heated car seats. You get in her car and wonder why your bum is warm!

I think the chocolate cake thing might be part of ex’s general weirdness about food actually. He’s always going on about how he’s had ‘too much’ cake or chocolate etc. DS2 was eating ice cream after dinner and ex made a comment about how he’d had so much cake earlier followed by various orthorexic type comments.

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Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 20:28

Yes seems like an underlying tone. Glad you didn’t take him up on the offer. Weird manipulation. Looking like a desperate man.

UnimaginativeUsername · 13/05/2018 20:34

It is weird manipulation. Thing is, he almost certainly believes that he’s just being nice.

That’s always been a problem; he does something annoying or weird and then acts like everyone else is being horrible for being irritated with him. Apparently he was like that as a child and his mum found it utterly infuriating.

Hopefully the sale/purchase will go through quickly and I’ll have warm feet and no one acting all wounded because I have found objectively annoying behaviour annoying. Grin

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RandomMess · 13/05/2018 20:37

Sounds like a bizarre projection issue, wants constant reassurance when seriously no one gives a F what another adult has eaten or denied them self!