A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

You’re not being ridiculous. It is so hard to be the one that does all the donkey work while someone else gets to do the fun stuff. I’m just trying to think as positively as possible about crappy circumstances.

The second viewing went really well. It’s a really lovely house - my mum and stepdad liked it too, and we all agreed that the location is pretty much perfect for me. DS1 is never hugely forthcoming but said he likes it. I think he was most impressed by how close it is to the train station, which will make it easier for him to get to college.

It’s got underfloor heating in the kitchen, hall and bathroom too, which I hadn’t realised the first time. The council tax is also band C, whereas I’d assumed it would be D. So that’s all good really. The living room is not particularly big but big enough and would be so cosy. The kitchen is lovely and big and nice. The bathroom is lovely. It has a separate bath and shower.

So I’m going to put an offer in. I really hope the owner sells it to me. It would be a fantastic home for the boys and me.

As you say, not our responsibility to feed them. End of story. I feel like I've been a bit too nicey nicey and it can't carry on.

I think this goes for us both. They will have to learn to take responsibility for looking after themselves. And it is not our job to teach them!

I have been sorting out mortgage stuff (well mortgage in principle really) this morning. It looks very much like I can afford the house I want, even if we have to accept the stupid low offer.

So I’m going to see what happens today re: the offer and any feedback from the viewing at the weekend. And then tomorrow I can put in an offer on the house, even if I have to accept the original offer on this house to do so. I’ve told the EA that I’m getting the paperwork together so I can put in the offer. He didn’t say anything about other interest etc so it looks like I’m not bidding against anyone.

The weekend with ex was unpleasant. He continued to be annoying after the croissant debacle and outright sulked because he didn’t like what I’d made for the boys and me for dinner (chicken pho). I knew he wouldn’t like it, which may have factored into my decision making process. But it is not my job to feed him.

Either way, I think a £7500 loss might be worth it not to have to put up with his shit.

I’m so nervous about putting the offer in. I’ve written 3 drafts of the email so far!

It's really stressful doing all that on your own while you're living with and having to deal with an idiot.

But, I just did my offers by phone! Made three in the end, it was hellish.

I’m hoping that I only have to make 1! And then all the angst about waiting to exchange can begin.

Sadly I won’t be entirely free of ex’s crap about that, since obviously he wants to exchange on this house too. But mercifully I won’t have to listen to him hyperventilating and catastrophising over the super cautious wording in a survey on a 1920s house.

Hopefully l be settled into a new house with the boys by September and I can put all this behind me. Fingers very much crossed.

My ex was buying me out, but he seemed to think that some magic elves would come along and make it all happen* - he made me so stressed it was awful.

Fingers crossed for you!

*I've just had the emails about his home insurance renewal, I told him last year to change it over to him and he has failed. So, from next week he has no building and contents insurance. But I don't care, I told him once, I'm not his mother.

Well he clearly thinks that magic elves (for which read: you) will still sort everything out for him. What an idiot!

They are such prats, and they wonder why on Earth you can't tolerate them anymore.

But marker pens and write on all the food you purchase. If you cook four portions freeze it for yourself! Seriously make him sort his own food out and let him sulk!

I did let him sulk.

I noticed he’s bought himself some bran flakes. I’ve purposefully been keeping minimal food in the house so he can’t revert to thinking I should just look after him.

Don’t forget it won’t just be a £7500 loss, it’ll be that plus the interest tonpat back that additional lending.

*To pay back

Well yes. But I still think it may well be worth it so that I can get out of this situation and on with my life. Going by the CMS calculator, he’ll have to pay me about maintenance that will have covered the shortfall well within a couple of years.

Mostly I’m trying to focus on the fact that I have a good salary (especially for the region I live in), a stable job and a very good credit rating. I might not want to, but it won’t kill me to lose the money. My children and I will be fine without it.

We won’t be struggling for money, and the mortgage payment will be less than rent on a comparable house. I’m in a really fortunate position, especially compared to the vast majority of women posting about breakups on MN. Reminding myself that I am very fortunate helps me to not get caught up in his much money it actually is. I have a decent salary, but not one so high that I don’t think £7,500 is a significant amount of money - it’s just that spread over 30 years it’s not worth me prolonging this situation over.

Can you tell that I’m trying to convince myself?

It’s not convincing, I think it’s a very good way to look at it. Count your blessings and all that.
Tbh the stress you put yourself under having to live with the fuckwit, if you waited for that extra 7.5k, could end up costing you your health, which is far more valuable in the long run.

Have you checked with EA about the offer on yours etc I wouldn't trust f*ckwit to do any of it properly!

My ex got the valuations, they said £365k. He offered me £175k. I was like, er, dude, that's not even half, let alone negotiating!

He said "take it or leave it, I don't care". So, I said OK, we'll put it on the market, it's the only way to find out, and we'll both have to move (the logistics re the money etc would have been a LOT easier for me if we had done this) but he wanted to stay there, so in the end I settled on £180k. I owned half the house, I had bought half the house. The way he carried on you'd think he was making it over to me as a fucking gift or something.
Still reckon I should have got £190k, or at least £185k, but, like you, I decided to just give in and walk away - my sanity was worth more.

He kept yelling at me "when are you leaving, why are you still here" - well, there's this thing, called a financial settlement, you have to DO IT! It isn't going to do itself and I can't do your part of it.

But, you have to keep positive. I took myself off to the theatre and cinema a lot and painted my nails every week to keep cheerful!

I did phone the EA myself. It appears that ex is telling me exactly what they’re telling him. They are chasing up the people who offered to see if they’re sticking or twisting and the guy who viewed at the weekend is very interested and is thinking about it.

But I want to get it sorted so I can offer on the house I like. I’ve let the vendor’s EA know the situation and that I assume the vendor won’t entertain an offer until I’ve formally sold this one. It’s frustrating having to wait. And, of course, now that I have found somewhere and want to offer, ex is no longer desperate to accept the initial offer. Argh.

Yes @VanGoghsDog you got out with your sanity. That’s worth at least £10k.

I bought myself some nice face stuff, including ridiculous Korean face masks. It’s amazing how much more motivated I feel about sticking stuff on my face because it is just for me.

That sounds really tough. I think allyou can do is try to be as reasonable as you can; how he chooses to act is out of your control. It sounds like the trip away will be much needed. I hope you get some decent weather.

I had the following text from ex tonight:
Just to let you know I am going for dinner with [information related to his work that’s very dull], so if there is any food you can have it all. I should be home around 7.15pm.*

That would be the dinner that I have cooked with the food that I bought using my own money. How magnanimous if him to say I can have it all! He is refusing to get it.

I wasn’t planning to make him dinner anyway, as I’d bought 6 chicken drumsticks. 2 each for me and the children. He can eat his bran flakes (since that’s all he’s bought). I might have even let him have a bit of my milk for it.

Mercifully he’s still out though.

I have no news on housing to report.

I would reply back "why on Earth would I eat your bran flakes?"

I decided to just ignore it, tbh. He’s an arse, and seems determined to stay that way.

This came after him asking if there was any dinner for him yesterday. I’d bought a pack of stuff from M&S on the way home from work and didn’t know how many bits were in the packet. He got really irritated when I said that and snapped that he needed to be clear about it. I wondered if he realised I would be doing him a favour. I told him there were only 3 bits (there were 4) and gave the extra to the boys. So he may be passive aggressively commenting on that.