A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

Has he not yet clicked that you aren’t bloody cooking for him? I don’t know how you’re keeping your cool with him.

Apparently he hasn’t. He specialises in pretending not to understand things if it suits him.

He’s still out. Apparently with work. TBH, I think he’s lying about who he’s with. Not sure why, since I really don’t care if he’s seeing someone.

I used to just ignore ex too, it wasn't worth the hassle.

Mind you, if he annoyed me I used to pour all his milk away (I rarely use milk so never had any in) and just leave half an inch in the bottom. Or run all the hot water away.

We had this 'hilarious' argument - it was a weekday, we were both home (he works at home, does fuck all most of the time, I had some time off, but he didn't know that). I was having a terrible morning, my sister had been admitted to hospital and had been presenting as very depressed and I was frantic thinking she had self-harmed but couldn't get hold of her/anyone. Then I did and it calmed down - I was due to leave to go away for a few days to a festival.

He was pottering here and there in the house. I went out the side door to load my car, came back in, locked side door behind me (it was something we always argued about, how he thought it was fine to leave all the doors unlocked even wide open, and not be in that room).
I then went to ask a neighbour to feed the cat as I knew ex was away for one of the days too. I saw the patio door was wide open, so I pulled it shut and locked it. I went out, locking the front door behind me, which is what you do when you leave the house - assumed ex was in his bedroom 'working' wanking.

Saw neighbour for what must have been about 6 minutes. Didn't even have a cup of tea. My car was on the drive.

When I came out, neighbour came out with me as she had an errand (hence me not staying long) and ex was up a ladder climbing in the bedroom window. I looked at my phone and there was a text from him calling me all the names under the sun and saying 'I suppose you think it's funny, don't think I don't know you locked me out on purpose, you bitch' etc.
Neighbour was like
I was like

Why he hadn't texted to ask how long I was going to be, I have no idea. Why he didn't pop over to said neighbour and say "I seem to be locked out, you have the spare key, could I have it?" I also have no idea. I guess to him it felt better to act the halfarsed victim.

When I got in he launched an attack on me (verbal). He said he was in the garage (the doors weren't open, he usually has the door open when he is in there - all the house doors were wide open though!) and that he had heard me put stuff in my car so I should have heard him in the garage - no idea what the fuck he was doing in there that I was supposed to hear, but I didn't. I said "well, maybe I couldn't hear you over all the noise I was making putting my bags in the car" (which is obviously not noisy at all).
I asked where he thought I might have gone, without my car, that would take more than a few minutes (we lived in a village, I knew about three people, could maybe have gone to the village shop but that didn't make much sense given I was about to leave).
He yelled at me about why was I even still there, when was I moving out etc etc.
I yelled back that I had found his adverts on sex sites and that I now knew he'd been doing that for 12 years which was before he left his ex wife and when his son was 5 and that he was disgusting and should be ashamed of himself. To be fair, that actually did shut him up.

:)

Sorry you’re feeling down. His life won’t be as exciting as getting lots of messages suggests. Certainly not if he’s trying to make you feel guilty because he’s missing out on a holiday. It’ll be great for you to get away.

I’ve had a crappy few days. The people who offered on our house disappeared then withdrew the offer (apparently they’re not moving). So I’ve been in despair (possible overstatement) because I couldn’t offer on the house I want to. Ex decided we should drop our asking price (after the weekend) but we’ve just had another offer from the divorced guy relocating from the SE. It’s £5k under the original offer so we’ve asked if he’ll come up by £10k (to the new asking price). I hope he gets back to us ASAP.

It’s all so bloody stressful. Plus I had to MOT the (8 year old) car today. As I expected it failed but I can’t get it fixed until Friday. So that’s crap too. I don’t really need the expense either (but I really don’t want to buy a new car either, so I’ll just have to put up with it).

Ex went out last night, so it was lovely to have the house to myself. I made really nice Vietnamese pork belly with dipping sauce, salad and rice to have with the boys and then had a long bath after DS2 went to bed.

This morning I took DS2 to his snowboarding lesson. He hasn’t had one for about a month (as we were away and the instructor he likes was away afterwards), but he was really good. He’s finally figured out how to use the tow so he doesn’t have to keep walking up the slope carrying his board anymore. It was lovely and sunny and great to sit outside watching him.

Ex asked to tag along (in front of DS2, who said he could). He hates the sun, so I sat in the sun (at 9am, in a northern city - we’re not talking about ferocious sun here) while he hid elsewhere in the shade, probably muttering to himself about burning.

Why does he ask to tag along rather than just take it turns to take him to the lesson? Seriously it's weird!

Also, I bet you look absolutely fine - even for 28 (which is definitely young!).

It’s hard not to feel like you look terrible when you’re in a crappy situation. You’ll be in your own house and getting on with your life soon though.

I was a single mother to DS1 for years (I was 27 when I met ex, and DS was just about to turn 8). Honestly, it’s dealing with a crappy partner that makes you feel crap - motherhood is (in so many ways) much easier on your own. I was talking about this with some of the other mums from DS2’s class (mix of people in relationships and single mums), and it was generally agreed that it’s much easier when you don’t have someone undermining you or nagging you or whatever.

Well I actually want to take him to it. It was my idea and it’s my thing with him. I used to be a snowsports instructor, so it’s nice to share that with DS2. Ex tags along because he cannot bear not being the centre of everything.

Ex is always monopolising DS2 and seeking to ensure that he gets all the ‘fun’ activities.

Also we’ve decided that it’s going to be my car, not his. So I’m paying for the MOT/work/service myself. If I’m not going he’d have to use my car.

This is the first month of split finances, but he’s already paid less than he said he would. Or, he’s paid the number we agreed but he’s neglected to add in a whole range of other costs - some of which he said he’d pay entirely (because I pay for childcare with childcare vouchers). So I’m going to have to ask for a couple of hundred pounds to cover dinner money for the term, piano lessons, 2 school trips, taekwondo lessons, and another after school club. That’ll be fun!

Clarification: I want to take DS2. I’d be very happy if ex would stay at home.

I would just start declining "not today I have plans for afterwards"

Well he knew I was taking the car to the garage afterwards, so I was going to drop DS2 off at home rather than subject him to that. He played Mario v rabbids with DS1, which was more fun than garage/garden centre (the only place to go while you wait).

I’m taking the boys to the cinema to see avengers: infinity wars on a few minutes. It’s a lovely day but that’s what they want to do with it.

I do think you are over accommodating of your ex, stop being so nice. No he can't use your car, no he can't tag along...

Those plans can be one on one time with DS2 in the car!

Well the issue is that DS2 doesn’t yet know about the splitting up, which limits how cool I can be. Once we’ve told DS then I’ll be able to say ‘no’ to everything.

Ex is insisting that we can’t tell DS2 until we’ve sold the house and I’ve had an offer accepted. That’s so we can minimise the uncertainty for him. I do think it’s right to put DS2 first.

Hopefully it won’t be long. The EA thinks that this buyer is likely to come up £8/9k on his first lowball offer. He’s taking the weekend to ‘think’ (but I suspect that’s more tactical than anything else). I’m pretty much resigned to accepting anything. I’ll still be in a position to offer asking price on the house I want. So I’m really, really hoping that we’ll be able to tell DS2 next weekend.

Then I can move on and won’t have any reason to be too nice.

Btw: I do realise that I am being one of those wet blanket types on the MN relationships board. It really is only to do what’s right for DS2.

Well I disagree that not telling DS2 yet is the right thing. Things are shifting the house, selling could be months and months he needs to be told that your relationship is over, you will be moving etc.

Your ex is only thinking about himself and using not telling DS to suit his means. Time to rip the plaster off - he'll be fine and probably have suspicions anyway.

I think he does have suspicions.

Ex will try to push for keeping quiet until the day before moving I expect. But as soon as I have call to engage a conveyancing solicitor, I will be insisting we tell DS2.

Your ex is playing games he just doesn't want to witness the emotional fall out I expect. I worry DS2 will feel lied to seeing as though you're all pretending...

I don’t think he’ll feel lied to. I’m not doing much pretending really.

I do agree that ex is always playing games. But I’m doing my best to respond to them reasonably and to not let him make me the bad guy.

I’m going to sit in a dark cinema now. What an excellent way to spend a sunny day!

At least ex isn't there

Yes. The boys enjoyed the film.

Ex has gone out with Mandy. It turns out that DS1 has seen her - they got on a train together (not at a station ex should have been getting on at, given his ‘I work so hard and am so diligent’ stance at work) and didn’t realise he was there.

I think the new girlfriend is likely to upset DS2 than anything else when he finds out about it, tbh.

He does realise his parents don’t share a room, or speak to each other much. And that his dad is often not nice enough to his mum. So he may not be as upset about the split as unsettled because he doesn’t know where he’ll be living. So I do intend to tell him once I’ve had an offer accepted and can show him where he’ll be going.

Because I strongly suspect that, like many men who cannot look after themselves, ex will seek to get himself a replacement live-in cook and housekeeper ASAP.

They all seem to do that. My ex has had a string of gf who move in for a period of time, realise what a fuckwit he is and then leave, which is a shame as they all seem to make make more if an effort with the dc than he does, and I actually like them more than FW

Haha.

I really like DS1’s dad’s partner (but I also like DS1’s dad*). They’ve been together for about 5 years now and DS1 gets in really well with her. She is exactly what a step mum should be.

• We were very young when we had him and decided to be friends who coparent. Ex has never liked that I get on with DS1’s dad. I’m sure no one is shocked. My mum likes DS1’s dad too. I have no regrets about the choice we made years ago though - I think it’s been the right way to do things.

I’m just about to compose an email to ex about finances. The fucker really doesn’t seem to understand that he needs to buy himself food.

I made breakfast for me and the boys - wraps with egg and cheese. There were 5 small wraps left after dinner last night (I’m still keeping minimal food in the house because otherwise my unwelcome housemate eats it) so I made the boys 2 each and one for me.

Ex came into the kitchen (obviously expecting breakfast). I pointedly said I was making breakfast for the boys. So he acted all lost and then asked if I was using all the wraps (which I bought with my money). I said I was. So he decided to have the single bagel left (from a pack that I bought - there were 2 left yesterday but ex obviously ate one when he came in last night). He asked if he could have some cheese and eggs. I said he could have them if he must (mostly because DS2 was in the room and I didn’t want to cause a scene - or enable him to create a ‘horrible mummy who won’t let me eat’ narrative). So he’s made himself scrambled eggs.

But I’ve had it. I am utterly fed up with him hanging about hoping to eat my food. It wouldn’t be quite so bad if he were contributing to it but it’s entirely unacceptable for him to expect to eat for free.

That said, I’m going to make it clear that the should be going to the supermarket and buying his own food to cook himself. I’m sure he’ll act like I’m being petty over a few bagels and eggs but it all adds up. And that’s without taking into account my labour in cooking it. He did buy himself some cereal and a pack of bagels (no milk though) but that’s hardly a week’s worth of food.

He wanted to be single, so he needs to stop expecting the home comforts of a long-term relationship. It’s especially galling when he’s clearly been out with his new bloody girlfriend the last two nights but still thinks I should provide him with breakfast.

He absolutely would be shitty enough to play up a ‘nasty mummy’ narrative, which is why I’m being so careful about it. I absolutely expect him to attempt parental alienation because he is a total arsehole.