Break Out The Red Flag Bunting, It's Dating Thread 131

[VetOnCall]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
   
2. Develop a thick skin.
   
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
   
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
   
5. Trust your gut instinct.
   
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
   
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
   
8. If it's not fun, stop.
   
9. Loo update is mandatory.
   

10. No dating the thread

[RunsforCake14]

Thanks popcorn but I do think it's an age thing. I've seen so many profiles from men aged 48-52 who say they're only interested in women younger than them. I've messaged men who are my age and they've replied, sorry you're too old for me.
I've had some nice first dates this year with men aged between 47 and 55 but without exception they've all said that I'm too "young" for them because I've got an very active job and I like keeping fit and busy. So the older ones worry they can't keep up with me and the younger ones think I'm too old.

[Bant]

I'm not sure if it's any consolation, Runs but there are quite a few women the same age or younger than me who state in their age preferences that they go for older men. One woman of 37 whose profile I saw yesterday said she only went for men 46-60.

Part of me, of course, assumes it's a combination of gold-digger or father-figure mentality.

(Another woman I saw who was 4'8" said she only went for men six feet tall or more, which just seemed weird. I'm over a foot taller than her but apparently not tall enough)

[Bant]

locotion - as others have said, you don't know this man yet. You have an idea of him in your head about how perfect he is for you, and if you're very very lucky that will turn out to be the case, but it's really unlikely, to be honest.

That's natural for anyone of course, which is why people get dumped a few dates/weeks in, often when they've slept with someone and at roughly the same time they realise they're not the perfect ideal they thought they were.

But the thing that worries me is that you seem to do this a lot. Massive high, massive connection, massive low. You really need to rein in the overinvestment with someone you don't know, or you're heading for a fall again. I hope that's not the case but it does seem to be a pattern

[Popcornandjam]

That's tough then runs - damned for being too old or too fit just proving I understand the correct use of too following my fail earlier

Whatever the case, time out is a good thing.

There's another thread at the moment about women dating 50+ and there are a few success stories; sadly they seem few and far between though.

Have you tried Speed Dating? At least you would be with people who are realistic about ages, and if your profile and photos aren't cutting it maybe meeting you IRL would be better. After all, you pulled someone a few days ago - I know he wasn't what you hoped for but clearly the initial attraction was there for him.

[FalconHeavy]

Whether the person is a friend or a partner, I tend to get along with people at least 5 years older than me. As a gross blanket statement, I seem to connect with the maturity and experience that comes with people who are older than me. I have some friends my age but mostly they are older so naturally I tend to look for irons that are older than me too.

[FalconHeavy]

A lot of men my age seem to want kids too and that's definitely something I am not interested in. I wouldn't not date someone my age but it's less likely.

[FalconHeavy]

Runs Sorry about the pics. Such a shame but at least you know!

[Locotion]

Thanks for reality and grounding. Third long date on Saturday.

I'm not doing any back and wforth messages daily but we have had a few long conversations on the telephone.

I am quite an emotional person and will never be the type that doesnt overinvest - I am really sensitive. I dont send love hearts to every iron or anything.

I think I am getting better at spotting red or amber flags now. I think.. Oh dear.

I am not walking round deliriously happy - actually I am very worried at my overinvestment/caring and have been since Day 1.

I would rather be more aloof - honestly I would. I have been struggling along for a few years now and the chance of a nice boyfriend does seem too good to be true.

On the other hand, I am genuine, open and normal and mayve he is too. Even if I am emotional and imperfect at playing the game?

The latest red flag I saw was scruffy trainers. Which is kinda odd I think on a settled man? Maybe. Or it might just be a pair of scruffy trainers.

I dont know. This is all very hard.

Im sorry runsforcake about how youre feeling. I hope something or someone surprises you soon ir when you return from a break. Xx

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

Please can I join?

I’m dipping my toe into dating after breaking up with ExDP in September; we were together for ages (and never really dated just drifted together) so I feel like a complete rookie!

I have first date in nearly ten years this afternoon! He seems fantastic “on paper” but trying not to overinvest or indulge in too much ridiculous daydreaming (my forte!) that I could be lucky enough to strike gold on a first try 😂

I’m also wondering if I’m really ready as I get moments of intensely missing my ex. But then most of the advice is to “get back out there”...

Good luck to everyone on bank hol dates today!

[pudding21]

AllfakeFur I also started OLD after a long term relationship in december (been apart since Feb). I still don't feel 100% ready in a way but I am having fun and that is 14 months on.

Thing of dating as a way for you to understand what you really want out of your next relationship. You will meet people who have great qualities, but they might not be the ones that are most important to you. Establish your boundaries (I am learning every day still) and don't put too much thought into just one person. Its easy to do, especially if you connect really well on text.

In my opinion its better to meet earlier rather that later once you feel you want too, so you don't overinvest. My first tinder date I was sure we would click and it would be great. When I met him he was as camp as christmas and nothing like the image I had in my head. Don't have too high expectations and you won't be disappointed.

Try to be conscious in exactly what it is you are looking for and have fun. It should be fun!

Good luck with your date this afternoon and be sure to report back ;)

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

Thank you pudding! I definitely need to just relax and try to have fun. I have a terrible tendency to overthink! At the very least it is nice to even be thinking about a man who is not my ex. Will report back x

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Allfakefur - brace yourself for the loons and remember the rules of the thread x

[DaffoDeffo]

runsforcake did you try guardian soulmates? I did find it far better for the older man and woman. One of my best female friends who is 55 met her boyfriend (been together for a year now) off tinder so perhaps that might be worth trying too (though I think you have to trawl through a lot of rubbish first).

I understand how you feel and really hope you don't feel too low xx

[VetOnCall]

Well it was a good date, we seemed to get on really well and had loads to talk about. He was very nice but as I suspected, I really don't think that I'm his type. It also doesn't help that we live nearly 2 hours apart so it was a bit of a mission even meeting halfway. He didn't mention meeting again and I'll be surprised if I hear from him again except to say 'thanks but...'.

Feel a bit down about it all, as I also suspected would happen. I think I'm going to take a break for a while too, it just seems like an impossible task to meet someone compatible, who I like and who likes me and who doesn't live a million miles away.

[ladygracie]

Oh vet, that’s a shame. And isn’t it annoying that even when you know it won’t work, it’s still disappointing.
I was chatting to someone from bumble over the weekend. It turned out we grew up in the same place and we had friends in common. Today I decided to message him first for once and he sent a one word reply. I know it wouldn’t have worked out but I feel stupidly flat about it 🙄

[esk1mo]

im also taking a break. if anything happens organically in real life then im open, but i cba talking to strangers online at the moment.

MrF has a new job and doesnt know when he can see me 🙄 so ive probably been demoted to ex-FWB.

[user1490465531]

just a question to fellow daters but I had a date Saturday went well he asked to see me again although we didn't set a date text me when I got home but not heard anything since.
I don't want to text first as I want to see if he's really into me but do you think if he was interested in I would of heard by now.
Not sure if to just write it off.

[esk1mo]

user if he wants to set up another date he’ll be in touch.

[user1490465531]

I think it's just the dent in my ego if he doesn't get in touch.

[Costaricachica]

Sounds like there's a few of us that are taking a break at the moment. Not that I've really got started to be honest. Still don't feel brave enough to try online dating, just can't bring myself to do it for some reason. Perhaps it's just the thought of putting myself 'out there' and being spotted on sites by people I know. Silly really. And that's before I even get to the gauntlet of actually chatting to strangers.

User - did you respond to his text after your date on Saturday? If you did then I'd leave it to him. If you didn't then you should probably do the honours.

[CoverMeLads]

Vet, sorry you’re feeling down, come join me on the beanbags in Cynics Corner; I’ll hutch up.

I’m not sure what my distance cut off would be as I’ve done long distance before (for a few years before he moved in). But as I can’t see me doing OLD again (famous last words) it’s academic.

returns to knitting and gin

[user1490465531]

yes I did respond to his text. I will leave it up to him just not sure how long I should give it before writing him off. if it takes a week to reply I would of lost interest.

[DaffoDeffo]

user I think Easter is a funny time. Give it till tomorrow when everyone should be back in the land of the living and connected to the grid :). If you haven't heard by end of tomorrow, I would write it off

[RunsforCake14]

Daffo I'm still on Match as I've got a couple of months left there. Most of my dates have come from there but that's where I see all the men who only want younger women.
I signed up to Soulmates a couple of days ago just to look. There are about 20 men in my age and location preferences. About half are on POF and Match as well. In 2 days only 4 people have looked at my profile and none of them are local. All at least an hour away.
I might give speed dating a go next month but otherwise I'm just going to do my own thing by myself.