I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

Well more fool her if she puts up with that crap.... but you don't have too!

Don't let her talk you out of it OP. No one should have to put up with your situation.

So he makes you transfer your salary into his account. Big red flag all on its own. Please getbout of this relationship. You are not married and no kids. You owe him nothing. Read dome of the stories on here where women have left abusive and violent partners and maybe you will see your future ahead of you if you don't end it. You have your parents for support that is a big thing. I knew a woman who married someone similar. Would not let her learn to drive. When you saw her the smile on her face was just plastered on. She eventually left him and fast forward a few years she is remarried and so happy. Saw her recently and the smile was genuine she was happy and the real woman was back. Me and a DN both agreed on this. Please choose this as your future( am not saying this just because she is married again)
The abusive husband is now also remarried so do not worry about the DP he is not your problem. He is a grown man and will figure a way to look after himself. You really really need to break off this relationship
You will not be the first to break an engagement nor the last. But you know in your gut that it is the right thing to do. He does not love you. All the nice things he does is to wind you back into his control. Love has absolutely nothing to do with it. Have you considered counselling to help you see things more clearly. Please read all these comments and see that there is no who one thinks you should marry this guy. Take care and hugs to you

Thanks celt for such a lovely post. It’s the joint account he wants me to transfer the money into.

I’m off today and typically he has decided not to go to bed. He is also still being normal.

Nothing will happen this weekend as his ds is with us.

That he adores me and he isn’t a bad man.

^^ this does not necessarily make you happy.

My husband adored me and isn't a bad man.

I wasn't happy

I left 😊

Life is now mine to make happy 👍

Thanks seventh. What did you say to him? Just spent the afternoon together and barely a conversation. He thinks I’m being ‘weird’. I’m just thinking and listening and wondering what I thought was so great really.

I said that I was leaving because it wasn't working. He tried to get me to stay but it was too little too late.

I felt that I really needed to start my life xx

You have already made a good start OP, by sharing your thoughts with your parents. They were pleased with your decision and are ready to support you, if you decided to stay with him, they would be gutted.
Please stay on track, and end this relationship. There will only be one loser, and it's not you !

I’m not going off track. I feel quite distant from it all though like it’s happening to someone else. I’m stuck in limbo for the next two weeks (need my payday). And it’s horrible.

thing is you've tried to end it before and he hasn't accepted it. so the only way to do it now is abruptly and with no warning, with no comeback from him. you think he won't see it coming but he's seen it coming for ages. that's why he has these 'charm offences' and tries to persuade you it's all in your head.

don't give him an inkling about your plans. it must be out of the blue because he has a temper. frankly i feel scared of him reading your posts.

book your dad for the weekend you want to throw him out. (easter?) and ask him to stay with you for a couple of nights. just in case twerp comes round.

don't feel sorry for him. feel sorry for the next lovely person who falls for his shit.

That’s exactly what I’m doing eddie and yes I think he knows. He is being very strange and I’m not behaving the same way either.

I don’t love him anymore. There I said it. I am scared of an unknown future and for reasons I don’t understand I feel guilty. But I’m not distraught. I’m empty.

Yes, you are currently in limbo, and it is scary.
As I said up thread, I think he does know.
But, just count the days for now, and get your ducks in a row.
You're an amazing woman, you will get through this.🌺

I imagine you're feeling numb because your body is trying to protect you to enable you to get through it. It might hit you afterwards, but for now use the empty feeling to your advantage and distance yourself from him.

Is he likely to get angry/aggressive when he finds out you're leaving?

My house so he has to leave.

I predict shock then minimising. Making it my fault. Promising to change. Refusing to leave. Then anger.

You have excellent predictive powers!

I missed out crying. That’ll be before promising to change.

(No crystal ball I just know him very well)

Ok I feel horrible now. And very cynical.

You’re not horrible. You need him to go. You’re no longer in love with him. He is controlling and gaslights you! I would borrow some cash from your parents and get him out sooner than 2 weeks’ time? He is toxic. Make sure your dad is there when you tell him and that you get the keys off him then make him leave. Be strong, OP, you have a lot of life left, don’t waste it.

You're not cynical, you're experienced! I imagine that you've had plenty of time going through those same motions to come to this decision.

This morning he has come home from work and I’ve had a cup of tea in bed and a massive bunch of flowers. Also an apology for being horrible to live with.

The rollacoaster is exhausting.

I remember this. Id get in from work, be made to sit down and put my feet up. Remote controls given to me. Dinner made for me and delivered on a tray. He was still an abusive cunt. Twenty years later and I still have nightmares that I'm in a relationship with him. They really leave an imprint.

Manipulation at its most obvious , @Thisisanewbeginning

Stay strong ok, don't fall for it. Read your list again and again. Could you ask your parents to loan you money till payday so that you can kick him out asap?

I think I’ve lost the plot! Supposed to be cleaning the dining room and I hate the wood laminate. It’s swollen and buckled in places. I’ve just ripped up the floor!!

On the plus side the original quarry tiles are under there. On the downside there is bitumen stuck on it. Need a heat gun and a ton of white spirit now.

Still haven’t done the dishes

Could you arrange for your Dad to come over when you kick him out? It would stop you caving in when he does the I'll change crsp