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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

753 replies

Thisisanewbeginning · 13/03/2018 23:19

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 20/04/2018 23:09

Yes I have it in more than one WhatsApp message that he doesn’t want it. It’s a good idea to give any proceeds to his son.

OP posts:
newmumintown · 21/04/2018 08:29

You're an inspiration newbeginning! You know your eyes have been opened when you don't feel the slightest pang of guilt at the begging and self pity. What a pathetic human being to use the situation as a reason not to see his son. What is it with these men? Though actually I'm sure his son would be better off without him in the long run - who would want such a selfish waste of space around a child?

You're doing so well, and you're right, the mumsnet cheerleaders do a great job (they helped me get the courage to leave too). So happy for you.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 21/04/2018 23:18

Omg I’m so pissed off. Ex’s friend messaged me to say ex was going to kill himself. Turned out friend was drunk. His wife has just contacted me apologising profusely. He was trying to ‘help’ apparently by trying to manipulate me into contacting my ex Angry

OP posts:
DarkPeakScouter · 21/04/2018 23:29

What a friend - not!

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 21/04/2018 23:33

Not my friend. And now blocked on fb

OP posts:
Walkaboutwendy · 22/04/2018 07:12

What makes me angry about that is that these bloody men think you don't get a choice. You do not want to be with him, he has no right to be in your life unless you want him there.

Furious for you OP. Angry

Are all his friends blocked now?

HonkyWonkWoman · 22/04/2018 08:25

His friends seem to be as unbalanced as he is.
Like, pretending to kill yourself is such an attractive quality, you're going to desperately want him back.
What a load of plonkers they are! Angry
Just fucking well, fuck off, the lot of you!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/04/2018 08:39

FFS these people and the suicide threats. They just don't give a shit about you, about what's good for you.

He's even got friends who buy into this crap of if he wants you then you should roll over even if it's damaging to you. Selfish cocks.

MrsMozart · 22/04/2018 09:34

A very long time ago I had a newly ex-boyfriend threaten suicide.

Despite being (mainly) a people pleaser, I knew then that it was his life and his choice. If he did then it wasn't because of me, it was because of him and how he could / would handle situations.

Hang on in there lass. It will all pan out.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 22/04/2018 10:47

I’m angry. In no way did last nights stunt make me want him back. That is never happening. All his friends are blocked now.

Who the hell wants to force a relationship with the threat of suicide? I don’t feel obligated to ‘save’ him. He can save himself if he wants to. Just stop involving me in the pantomime. I’ve left his circus.

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 22/04/2018 13:23

Well said Thisis!
Sorry about the rant before, just got so angry for you.
They're bloody idiots!

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 22/04/2018 13:30

No that’s exactly how I feel too honky. Fuck of to the back of fuckdom and then fuck off some more lol!

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 22/04/2018 13:49

Good on you. Nobody should be made responsible for another otherwise fully functioning adult.

HonkyWonkWoman · 22/04/2018 16:51

Hahaha! GrinGrinGrin

ClaudiaNaughton · 22/04/2018 18:50

Can’t get over his mum’s half finished knitting Grin

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 25/04/2018 10:01

Ok this is waaay too soon but....
I’ve been asked on a date Shock. It’s a single friend I’ve known for 2 years. We get on really well but he is 12 years younger than me and I’m really not ready for anything serious.

Still nice to know I’m attractive to the opposite sex though! Wink

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 25/04/2018 10:37

Go for it! Go and enjoy yourself, it doesn't have to lead anywhere Wink

LaContessaDiPlump · 25/04/2018 11:23

Go! Go forth and do some shagging!!

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 25/04/2018 14:37

Maybe I will! It doesn’t have to be serious and I have a scratch he could help me itch!

Also helps that he is solvent, has a good job, car and own home. Unlikely to be aiming to be a cocklodger.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 25/04/2018 15:38

Go on ... 😀

Guiltypleasures001 · 25/04/2018 15:48

I agree and can hear Mrs Doyle saying go awwn

mammynowanauntyIRL · 25/04/2018 16:20

You've got that glint in your eye again op Grin

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 25/04/2018 17:48

Yep I have indeed Wink

OP posts:
Redland12 · 02/05/2018 11:36

Hey Thisis, how are you? Anything new? Hope all is ok💐

user1485198606 · 03/05/2018 12:23

Hi looking for some advice really. I am a mum to 11months baby girl. I fell pregnant after about a year, which was quick but I couldn't not go through with it. Before I fell pregnant I did have some doubts about her dad but since was quite new I just went on
I know now that the doubts were very much fact. He has not supported me through the pregnancy or being a new mum so we are no longer together. He doesn't listen to anything I say and I see now that he is very manipulating and has no respect for me. I recently moved to a bigger flat across the city and without telling me he has got a flat across the road. We have no schedule in place for wee one and I am struggling with pnd. He appears whenever he feels like it and I can see he's taking over everything. I have no family or friends so it's just me and I am at a loss at what to do. I would never not want him to see our daughter but I can't go on like this I feel like I am being suffocated and I'm. Scared about my own mental health. I just want to be settled and happy with my daughter. Any advice would be appreciated x

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