Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

753 replies

Thisisanewbeginning · 13/03/2018 23:19

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 14/03/2018 15:34

Am I right to do this as a sudden bolt out of the blue? Is that fair? It will not allow him any time to sort out another car or somewhere to stay. I feel guilty already.

But if I try to give him a deadline he won’t go will he?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 14/03/2018 15:36

I also feel really bad as he is talking about paying for things for the wedding and I’m just avoiding the subject. He is literally oblivious.

Wobbling going on this afternoon.

OP posts:
Gilead · 14/03/2018 15:39

You know, when I was going through this I worried so much about what would happen to him, how he would cope etc. He had a new girlfriend within a couple of months. He has a decent flat, lots of pals. He hasn't spent Christmas alone once. He does things we never did, eats things he never did and goes out, which he never did. Even takes his girlfriend out for meals, which we never did. They go on to have a perfectly nice life, just whilst doing everything they did to you, to somebody else. They will do all they can to ensure they don't end up alone, either by emotionally blackmailing you or moving on to somebody else. Let him go.

YvonneGoolagongsDugongDoug · 14/03/2018 15:47

Don't wobble OP. You KNOW this isn't how you want to live your life. One day you will be sitting cuddled up to a lovely bloke and you will look back at yourself now and wonder what you were thinking. You will laugh and it will all be in the past. You just have to get to that place. It takes a first step as does all journeys.

OliviaBenson · 14/03/2018 15:48

Stay strong op. Don't worry about the car- he wouldn't give you the same consideration.

Could you ask women's aid for help leaving?

You can do this, it will be tough at first but the rewards will far outweigh that x

lanbro · 14/03/2018 15:48

Just a bit of support...I left my stbxh when we were going through a good patch. Sounds very similar to your P and I had just had enough of the up and down, accusations, moods etc. I left with 2 young children so you can absolutely do this with no ties.

My parents were and continue to be super supportive, it sounds like you have that too which is great. Be strong and put you first

BewareOfDragons · 14/03/2018 15:49

He is emotionally abusive.

Be thankful you aren't married to him and get him out.

You are making the right decision... if you marry him you will lose so much of what you have to him ... get him out now.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2018 16:16

Wow, he sounds vile.

You on the other hand, sound like you have a great plan, and the support from your family to carry it though. Yay!

Do not doubt yourself. This is him, getting in your head.

Keep strong and carry this through. You will absolutely NOT ever regret it. He is an emotionally abusive arsehole!

That list you posted... just wow. Half of that alone would have me running for the hills.... just do it!

Dragongirl10 · 14/03/2018 16:20

Just do it Op, you are having a lucky escape.

woodpecker2 · 14/03/2018 16:26

Gosh, get out now, he's not going to get any better. Glad your parents are supportive. Are you moving out or is it your house?

June1966 · 14/03/2018 16:28

Yes, go for it. As Dragongirl says, you're having a lucky escape. I lived with a man like this for far too long for the same reasons you've given - that if I left him he'd have nothing (because despite him earning a lot more than me, he also spent a lot more than me) - and in the end, it was me that lost out financially because I was so not savvy.

I wish I'd left years earlier. I can see him for exactly what he was now but at the time I was consumed with anxiety about every little aspect of the leaving, down to what the neighbours would think, and it was me that was leaving - never to see said neighbours ever again!

Good luck. It's the right thing to do.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 14/03/2018 16:32

The list part two:

Begged and pleaded incessantly for a dog (I have three cats) and now I have 2 dogs as well!

Never walks, trains or plays with dogs

Hit my boy with a floor brush this week because he tried to drag him by the collar and he growled (really placid dog btw)

Dogs are bonded to me I am mum. I also walk, feed, groom and train them.

Stomped off to bed on Xmas day in front of my parents as I was talking and didn’t come when he bellowed for me to help him cut a cake Confused

Shouts at his ds or as he says ‘rips him a new one’ (nice) when ds wants to play with friends instead of coming here

Sleeps for 12 hours easily. Last Saturday he got in from work and went to bed at 7am he got up at 11pm

Doesn’t do any cooking anymore as ‘you do it better than me’ this includes sandwiches

Won’t ring anyone to order take away etc apparently I’m also better at speaking!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 14/03/2018 16:33

Sent me this today and thinks it’s funny

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 14/03/2018 16:34

My house, he is the one who needs to go. That’s the hard part. It’d be easier the other way around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 14/03/2018 16:35

Thank you for all your messages they are really helping Smile

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2018 16:45

Stomped off to bed on Xmas day in front of my parents as I was talking and didn’t come when he bellowed for me to help him cut a cake

Haha, I don't even know what to say to that! How pathetic. I hope your parents's faces were like Confused Confused

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2018 16:45

'Scuse typo.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 14/03/2018 16:53

Pretty much green! They were remarkably diplomatic in the face of such blatant sulking. I was mortified!

OP posts:
newmumintown · 14/03/2018 16:53

I swear I'm not bullshitting...my stbxh sent me the same 'hilarious' message. In fact, i got that wrong...he posted it to facebook for all our friends and family to see.
Please believe in yourself...your gut is telling you what you need to do. His behaviour will only escalate as he realised he can get away with more and more.
When you leave, he'll whine and moan and beg for a while until he realises you mean it, then you'll see his true colours again. Let him move on to his next victim and you revel in your freedom. You'll never regret it.

woodpecker2 · 14/03/2018 16:56

I hope people can advise how to remove him, I don't have any advice apart from involving a lock smith and moving a friend or parent in for a few days.

newmumintown · 14/03/2018 17:07

Depends how forceful you want to be. Given that he is abusive, you may be able to get some sort of court order to help (my ex wasnt physically abusive but I was still granted one). Women's aid can definitely help with advice on getting him out. They are very much focussed on your safety first. When we split (admittedly it was me that moved me and the children out of our home rather than him moving out) women's aid rang our local police station's domestic abuse officer and gave them our details and land line number so that a vehicle would be dispatched on an emergency basis if we called them from that number. They also have details of local council departments that can help (putting your house/number on a 'watch list' in case of problems etc). They offer so much support and have access to loads of information. Best place to start imo.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 14/03/2018 17:13

How weird that you had that sent today too! They must both be misogynistic juveniles.

Still working on the details but will be ringing women’s aid

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 14/03/2018 17:14

new how did you prove he was abusive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 14/03/2018 17:16

Anyone out there who has read Lundy which profile does he fit into?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 14/03/2018 17:25

Jesus, no brainer OP, the man is a rocket and abusive, of course he has his nice side, you'd not have put up with the abuse otherwise; it won't get better, he will not change; this is who he is, a very nasty fucked up human who thinks it's his right to abuse and mock and belittle you, that's not love OP, it's control and issues, both have nada to do with you so get rid and get your family to help you, the sooner he is gone the quicker your mental health will improve.