I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

I have to admit I'm a bit fuzzy on the details, but I basically went to see a solicitor, told him the worst bits (threats etc) and he went to court for an 'ex-party interdict' preventing him from abusing me verbally, threatening me or putting me in a state of fear, with a power of arrest attached so he would be automatically arrested if he did any of these things. It was granted without me or my ex ever attending court. My ex was handed the paperwork by a court officer along with divorce papers after i had gone to visit my mum with the children for the afternoon. We are still here 7 months down the line! It worked perfectly and, although ex has been a total dick the whole time, it kept him in line. It's worth saying I'm in Scotland, so don't know if laws are same in England (if that's where you are).
I went to citizens advise and they gave me a list of solicitors who would do an initial consultation for free. I also qualified for legal aid, which is worth checking.

I won’t qualify for legal aid unfortunately.

He is sending messages as normal and I’m finding it really hard to reply and not feel like I’m being deceitful.

Please don’t feel you have to marry this man. “When in doubt - don’t” is good advice. This man knows you are undecided and this is why he is sending you nice messages to keep you in line.

Financial control before you marry will get ten times worse afterwards. He will have you exactly where he wants - him in total control.

The fact that you have your own house and car and he does not have these things bothers him. He wants them too and is making sure that once you are married he will have full control over you.

You are clearly capable of managing your own finances and him saying you must divert your salary to him to control is a huge flapping red flag warning.

Once married to this man he will exert every control over you because he can and he knows it. Look how he is undermining you already and how you feel threatened.

It is not your responsibility to provide him with accommodation, support or help once you tell him it is over. Please be strong you know in your heart he is controlling trouble. Far far better to be alone and in control of your own life and financial affairs than to give this man the control over you he is waiting for. Good luck, please be strong - you have support from your family (who must be relieved) and all of us on MN.

Thisis - you are being amazingly lucid about all of this. It's an uncomfortable feeling when you arrive at this point, but also a clarifying one.
Keep reading your lists, and your posts on here to give you strength to keep going. The power of MN is behind you.

Think about the practicalities. It'll keep you busy.
• divert your salary
• organise changing the locks
• if you have made a will that benefits him then change it.

Im sure others will have things that can be added to the list.

I don’t feel lucid! I’m feeling sick. Not helping that he is being just so goddam normal! No shouting, no temper, no comments.

It’s a very weird feeling to be planning and end to a relationship when one party has no clue. I’ve found his passport. And am cataloging in my head what needs to be packed. On the outside I look ok but inside I feel hollow.

And I feel sad because this is the version of the man I fell in love with. I wish this was the real him. Not the selfish angry version which is his true self I guess.

My salary has always gone into my own account which he has no access to. He then asks me to transfer it into the joint account. So at least that doesn’t need altering.

Your first list was a horrible reminder of my ex husband. I finally got the strength to end the marriage when he'd persuaded me I was severely mentally ill and I ended up as an out patient at the local psychiatric hospital. Thankfully, the therapy I received helped clarify things and although it took me another 18 months or so after the therapy ended, I did finish it. He was then super lovely for a while, and met someone else very quickly. Because he was lovely, I was lulled into thinking we could try again. Really thankfully, his new girlfriend (who had apparently been after him for a while) was on the scene and it didn't happen. I may well have still been trying to leave if she hadn't been.

Stay strong, and whenever you feel yourself faltering, remind yourself of what everyone on here is saying, and what your family are saying. He is doing a number on you, and the people outside your direct experience can see that clearly even if you might falter.

Says he is fed up with messy house but won’t help as it’s ‘not his mess’

My ex H used to complain about this too, (and all about how his first wife was the same (!), however it was surprising just how tidy I became once he'd moved out...

Keep going and good luck!

It’s never their fault is it? He moaned the other day that he had no clean work socks. They are all on the floor and under his side of the bed. I’ve told him time and time again to put them in the washing machine.

Why should I crawl around on the floor picking up stinky socks? And of course when he has no clean ones left who does he blame, me.

Same with the plates left in the living room, cups on windowsills and mantelpieces. The worst is the used cotton buds with waxy ends left on the bedside table .

He says if I was tidier then he would be too but until I am he doesn’t see the point! Now that’s a mind bender.

Did anyone else going through this find that they were overly tired? I’ve been off work with d&v (tmi) and I find that I am sleeping a lot. Think I’m mentally and physically exhausted.

Just had my bridesmaid contact me to arrange shopping for her dress. I don’t know what to say to her as we are all friends.

Yes, I've been dealing with the fallout from a broken relationship for a month and I have no energy at all, but then I can't sleep at night.

I'm lucky I work at home so I'm able to take it easy in the mornings, but it is mentally exhausting to be upset all the time. Trying to keep it all to yourself must be making it even harder work.

Can't believe he is such a child re washing etc. It's the sort of behaviour I won't tolerate from my DCs let alone a partner. I just used to leave DP's stuff on the floor until he next came over, but it pissed me off every day looking at it and I still had to say "would you please sort through that washing this evening" to get him to even notice it. Then he'd just bundle up all the half worn clothes, clean clothes and dirty clothes and bung them all in the wash Such a child. You're well rid of him, I promise.

It’s crap isn’t it my. DP is still in bed, he won’t be up for another hour then he leaves at 9pm. So it is like being on my own already really.

I’m not sure either whether I’ve had a bug or I’m physically reacting to deciding to end the relationship. I often express stress in physical ways. I look awful, my eyes are so grey underneath.

At the moment I’m just acting like nothing is different. So I cooked tea, no sign of him. Took it upstairs and he ate in bed. He then spent the next hour in bed but awake. I went up and asked if we had any change as short on bread. He said no.

Shortly before he needs to go to work he asks if I had done his sandwiches and where were the clean socks? I said no sandwiches as no bread. He was annoyed that I’d eaten some at lunch and why hadn’t I sorted it earlier.

He then walked out with barely a good bye. Leaving the dishes in the bedroom and the lights on.

This is a typical evening in my life.

I’m posting to remind myself of the small ways this is a rubbish relationship.

OMG are you his servant???

Oh god. Life’s too short for that shit! Sooner the better I say!

How old is he?

Stay strong Lovely, we are all here for you.
The sooner he goes, the better, I get an awful, uneasy feeling, reading about him, I think he knows !

He is 43 this year. He messaged me when he got to work with lots of kisses.
I told him he was difficult to live with and stated the above. He said I hadn’t done anything wrong!!! He really doesn’t get it does he?

Have messaged my lovely friend (bridesmaid). She was supposed to be visiting over Easter to go dress shopping. I’ve told her I’ve got cold feet and why. She is still coming anyway. My liver may need therapy afterwards!!

And I’ve just had her messaging me saying that all men are essentially selfish and lazy. That he adores me and he isn’t a bad man.

Also that her husband can also be like this and she has to remind him to be thoughtful.

Bet she doesn’t have to feed him in bed and explain why she spent £15 in the supermarket though.

Doesn't matter what she thinks you've realised it's not what you want!

My DH isn't perfect but he isn't like that...

Thisis - just beware of her trying to talk you out of breaking up so she can have a companion in her misery.

I don’t think she is miserable. She married later on and had a baby which she really wanted. I don’t think they are marvellously compatible but they are happy in their own way. She just accepts his idiosyncrasies as being a bloke.
She also lives miles away so we only see each other a few times a year.