I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

Dad is coming. DSS is here now. Will be a quiet weekend for me. Am doing lots of laundry so it’ll be easier to bag stuff together

What? Sorry but your friend is mental. Not all men are like that, not by a long chalk. You need to stop wasting tour life with this awful man and ditch the 'friend'

If you own it all then he hasn’t earned it. You did. With your hard work and effort.

He’s an asshole. A man would never feel guilty about being the owner of the home ...

I’ve owned this house for 12 years way before I ever met him.

Just had a really awkward encounter. I was having a bath and he stripped off and got in!!

He also has a GP appointment on Monday and I asked why. He says it’s for help otherwise he will lose the best thing that ever happened to him

WTAF? How earth are you allowing him to even get into your bathroom, never mind join you in the bath!

There is no lock on the door. His son was downstairs and I’d escaped for some time alone.

He also doesn’t know I’m planning to end the relationship.

I didn’t stay in the bath for longer than was polite but also so he wasn’t suspicious.

I picked up dss at 1. DP woke up at 5. So I would have thought he would want to spend time with him rather than follow me to the bath.

I know you want to wait for the right moment, but I'd be itching to get rid asap. Especially the bit about the bath, I'd be

I agree. Don't wait until the time 'is right'. The time is right now. Get rid of him.

Be careful op. He knows something is amiss.

You know? I would wonder if he's found this thread....

You need a good length of time on your own, doing things you enjoy, remembering who you are, getting to know yourself again. Join groups, do evening classes, catch up with old friends. You deserve your happiness and freedom, you have suffered enough. Please don’t rush into another relationship quickly after this one.

Wow this is bizarre. Is there a certain type of man that behaves this way? So many similarities between this man and my "current" dp. (Current because I'm really thinking of ending things).

Our relationship has been like an emotional rollercoaster, and at times I question my own sanity. He has mental health issues (severe anxiety and depression) and I have been pinning his behaviour down to this but maybe that isn't the cause. It is like he has a split personality, a really loving, nice and so apologetic for his wrong-doing, side, and then there is his bad side. His bad side is cold, distant, emotionally unavailable. When he is like this he gets so paranoid (mainly about me talking to other men....even when I have shown proof this is not the case - and I hate that I actually showed him proof instead of standing my ground) and he takes everything I say as an insult or a dig. Everything is my fault.

It is draining me. I used to be so independent. I don't understand what has happened to me. I don't think I'd ever have put up with this kind of treatment in the past.

I tell myself that he can't help it when he becomes the bad version of him but the good version of him is the real him and once he gets his mental health issues sorted he will always be the real him/the good side. This thread has made me start to see that this isn't the case and that he is just following a "type".

Stay strong op, you are definitely doing the right thing. And you've made me think that is what I should be doing, so thank you.

Have you covered your tracks on your devices - phone/ tablet etc?

It could be that he's picked up on you being slightly different as a result of you having made your decision, as they are very perceptive, but for someone this controlling, it's not unheard of to have spyware installed on your phone or pc to track you. Put it on your list to get your devices scanned and any passwords to online banking or emails or anything really you need to change.

He's being nicer because either he's found proof of you planning to end the relationship or he subconsciously feels you doing it. They usually do the flowers and out of character gestures when they've overstepped. In my case it was when my EA partner physically attacked me. I got the princess treatment for a while after. Remember those cups of tea etc is because he's worried you are on to him. Remember it's fake.

Diarise it all somewhere secure.

If you find yourself questioning breaking up, go over your list of his awful behaviour. Get out asap.

Just spent a ‘family’ evening. DP on his phone, DSS on a tablet and me watching tv. No conversation. DP fell asleep on the sofa and he’s only been up since 5pm!

Don’t think he has found this thread but he definitely is aware that I’m more detached.

jeeps sorry to hear you are in the same boat. Glad this thread has helped you. I think the GP appt is for him to get himself diagnosed with depression and therefore try to make me feel sorry for him (and excuse his behaviour). He asked for a clean start tonight. Which after 3.5 years and numerous chances is too little too late.

When is DSS going home? When will you ask him to leave?

He is picking up vibes so trying to protect his interest in you/his servant.

Do you really have to wait until the end of the month?

Don't feel guilty about breaking up with him - it wont be a shock - this has happened to him many times before and he has survived. You owe him nothing - he will be difficult so pre-empt and plan for the weeping & wailing, begging and pleading, the catastrophizing (made up ill health, threaten suicide) - then turning nasty, threatening and harassing you. Make sure you are well protected and defended.

Might your friend have said something to him?

I thought the same as @HappyintheHills . Friend may think she was helping...

I think the GP appt is for him to get himself diagnosed with depression and therefore try to make me feel sorry for him (and excuse his behaviour). He asked for a clean start tonight. Which after 3.5 years and numerous chances is too little too late.

Yes I think he is just picking up the vibe that you are starting to detach and has gone into panic mode a bit. But I think that if you were to back down and start thinking of staying with him he'd soon settle down into his old ways.

Well done OP. Will someone be with you when you ask him to leave? It might be easier to have support.

This is total classic test book behaviour for an abuser.
He can feel he has gone to far, so is making attempts to wind you back in: Flowers, tick. Promises, tick. Excuses, Tick
He will find a whole load of excuses, & be on best behaviour for a short while, this is the typical cycle of abuse.

Please don't doubt yourself, this manipulative cock lodger must go, if he mentions the wedding, you must say. "It's not happening", do not let him spend (joint ?) money to trap you. He is living in your house, you look after his DS, you fund him when he is unemployed & now you risk ending up looking after him because he is "depressed".
NO you must not feel guilty, he has done one on you.
Get your Dad over, pack up his shit in bin bags & leave in garage. Change the locks, get all your important documents in a safe place, bank, pay slips, life insurance, house docs, passports etc. You will be surprised how destructive he may become.

Well it’s been a peaceful day as he hasn’t been here! I’ve slept a bit this afternoon which is unusual for me but I feel better for it.

He is back now so fingers crossed for a calm evening. I think he is aware that emotionally I’m detached and I am aware that this is just part of the cycle.