I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

This post has hit home, but this is not about me. All I can advise is to go on your gut feeling, as others have said some men make us doubt ourselves, it chips away our self esteem and confidence. It effects your day to day activities, your mind set and your mental health, it's a slow mental manipulation. One day you wake up and have a moment of absolute clarity, to see the situation for what it is, and please hold onto this, because a wave of self doubt can wash over you at any time, and your be back to square one.

I'm glad you have support from your parents, you will need them for help and advice and a shoulder to lean on.

Please do not sign any salary, or any of your hard earned assets over to your partner, you said you feel guilty about the fact he will be left with nothing but he entered the relationship with nothing and that was not your doing. This is difficult I know, but you need to look after yourself and be kind to you, not him you! You are a good and lovely person, you need to take care of yourself.

We all get lonely, but I would rather be by myself than be in the situation I am in right now which is a situation very similar to yours.

The sun is out today, I would love you to enjoy at least half a hour of it without the anxiety and worry that you currently have. A calm mind works wonders, and will help your resolve.

Your MH issues will improve once you have ended it and had breathing space. My experience of this is it will take longer than you expect to feel truly well afterwards and that has you sencond guessing your decision in it's own right.
What you describe is my relationship with an ex perfectly. It took a few 'cycles' for me to cop on to what was happening. The nice quiet phase, the gradual increase in his abuses that, at first, were so subtle I was doubting myself, the overt abuse, me reacting, his frank enjoyment of my reaction, me reacting in a really serious manner or his pushing it too far and then the nice phase again. It drove me utterly potty and over the four years my personality disintegrated.

You can now see this for exactly what it is. The truly crazy thing would be to marry him knowing this or letting the relationship continue. He will escalate after marriage trust me! He will entitled to some of your hard earned property then too. LTB now please OP. The writing is on the wall in his handwriting!

You sound very brave because although you're scared, you're still planning to do it. Go for it, we're behind you!

I know you're scared. I've been here. Don't do what I did. It took me 20 years to get out, although I started trying to escape six months in. It has left me with emotional scars from which I will probably never completely recover. Having said that, finally getting out was the best thing I have ever done for me and my dc. Be strong, be brave and learn to be happy on your own.

Ok so the list -

Racist and bigoted

Ruined my 40th birthday by throwing my cards in my face because I didn’t want to do something he wanted to do

Demands affection on his terms

Shouts and swears over small stupid things

Tells me he knows what is best for me

Is horrible about my parents

We have nothing in common to talk about

Sex is on his terms

I’m constantly accused of being terrible with money and everything would be easier if he had full control

Has lived here rent free pretty much for 3 months years but has bought furniture, holidays etc (things he wanted)

Went camping and he didn’t want to go. Spent the first 3 days constantly complaining about how much he hated it and how he was going to drive home (and leave me alone 200 miles from where we live). Cheered up as soon as friends arrived for the weekend.

Turns over the tv when he walks in even if I’m watching something

When ‘we’ are cleaning he sits there on his phone until I’ve done the tidying and polishing as he will only hoover (it’s one rug)

Says he is fed up with messy house but won’t help as it’s ‘not his mess’

Belittles my job (paid more than him) as all I do is sit on my arse therefore I shouldn’t be tired unlike him who really works for a living

Supported him through 12 months unemployment

When challenged tells me I have no sense of humour, didn’t mean it, he is stressed and tired etc etc then turns on the I love you’s

Tip of the iceberg

Oh and threatening to ‘tell on me’ if he disapproves of something to my parents!

He can never just cuddle, it turns into pushing for full on kissing and groping. Which is also my fault because he thinks I’m sexy

With a list like that it should be easy to have a steely determination, OP. Please, you have to show him the door!!

He has a counter argument for everything and says how horrible I am to him. At the moment I’m trying to stop him spending £500 on a wedding that isn’t going to happen. I’ve told him twice now that I want to cancel. I may as well be talking to a wall.

I also need to plan his departure carefully as I need the least disruption and my car. My dad is planning to be here and I’m going to quietly pack a bag with his essentials in. I need it to be a weekend his ds isn’t here and I’ve been paid so I have enough money to manage the month.

Of course he has a counter argument for everything, he's trying to protect his easy life. It was my fault my ex was traumatised by his arrest. Work that one out!
You don't have to justify this to him. You want to cancel, you cancel. You don't want to be with him, then don't. I know you feel like you should and that you'll be the wicked witch of the west; but for your own sanity stay strong, ignore and do what you need to do.

My 12’year old cat died, had him since 9 weeks old. He was a great ratter and I think he was poisoned. Found his body in the garden.

I was left to deal with it alone as he couldn’t touch him etc.

All of these memories and the amount of times I’ve had to change my behaviour or smudge the truth not to anger him. All small stuff but together not small at all.

Thank you for all your messages of support, I have before been persuaded that it isn’t that bad. I’m the one with the problem, not well etc.

The next few months I am not looking forward to at all. I suspect he will not go easily. But I’m starting to think about what my future could be. Finding me again and that is a good feeling.

Keep a diary of everything you remember him doing to you - email this to yourself regularly. Any random thoughts or memories of his behaviours or your feelings - just quickly jot in an email it doesn't have to be in order or anything,

ou might start to doubt your decision when he is being nice, or you forget just how horrible he could be. The diary will help you to remember the reality of living with him.

I did this when I was leaving my abusive exh, and read my diary whenever I felt my resolve weakening. Three years on I sometimes read the list and it makes me shudder. It's really quite terrifying to think of the things that I put up with, and told myself was normal, or no big deal.

You are doing the right thing. Leave and do not look back.

The diary is a great idea thanks name

It’s death by a thousand cuts - all the little ways in which he disrespects you and puts you down add up over time. It’s no wonder you’ve had enough, it’s wearing.

I’m glad your dad is on board with helping you get him out. Might be worth letting the police know in advance too, I don’t know if there’s anything they can do, but these types tend to kick off when they sense they’ve lost their power so be aware it’s a volatile time with a control freak.

I know and that’s what my dad is worried about. The three times I tried before he did the emotional clueless wreck and I feel for it hook line and sinker.

If he realises I am truly going through with it this time he may change tactics.

He would deny he could ever be violent but I’ve seen him angry and I’m not sure.

He really targetted you, OP, didn't he? Men like this can sense weakness (and also, oddly, money). He saw a woman who was a mess, who desperately wanted a happy relationship and could also - and not incidentally - keep him in the style he'd like to become accustomed to.

He homed in on you like a heat seeking missile. Now he thinks he has you, he's conditioned you to think that he is the best you are going to get, and so you tiptoe around, spending money on him, keeping him sweet. His behaviour will get worse, especially if you were to marry him, Whereupon he'd start threatening that he will get half of everything if you were to divorce. Get rid now, before it all gets legal.

He's a plonker. An opportunistic one - and they are the worst kind.

If he does kick off you dial 999 and get the police out and get him removed!

You can do this.

Have you read 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft? This was the absolute nail in the coffin for my abusive relationship by helping me realise that things will NEVER get better in an abusive relationship. Get out now, before you're married or have children with this monster. I did both with mine and will now never be truly free of him. Wishing you so much luck, keep strong and keep safe x

Much love to you @Thisisanewbeginning

I'm so glad you are going to end this horrible relationship xxx

Boot him out with your Dad by your side (well done Dad!) and don't forget to change the locks.

Thinking of you op, you can do this! He sounds horrible and you must be feeling really worn down. I would imagine that your mental health will rapidly improve after he's gone

zaphod you sound like my mum she has said the same thing.

I have started to look at a ubuser profiles newmum and also looking at emotional abuse. It wasn’t like a light bulb moment but I think I really started looking at things when I began counselling earlier this year.

My dad is amazing, such a quiet man but very perceptive. My mum is brilliant too but she gets very stressed and emotional.

My dad said to me last night that I look like a shell of who I used to be. I look in the mirror and he is right. Fuck this I’m 42 not 82! I still have many years ahead.

I’m still scared about actually finding the words and ending it though.

Thisis i am so lucky never to have been in your situation but if I was I would hope that I could be as strong as you are being. I have no words of wisdom or advice but from a naive point of view, you only need 4 words really " Its. Over. Get. out".

You dont need to justify yourself or your decision to anyone - especially not him.

I don’t feel strong blobby I feel sick and I’m second guessing myself at every turn. But I’ve now spoken to family and friends. That makes it soooo much harder to pull a u turn. That’s also exactly why I did speak to them. I can’t do this on my own. I will put up with it unless I’ve got people behind me.

It’s also why I’m posting. For the support. And the validation that I’m not being an over critical person who has blown it all out of proportion.