I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

Enjoy your freedom! Sunshine and butterflys all the way!

How are you, Thisis? Have you heard from him?

I’ve heard from his new owner. He has settled in really well and eaten a chicken dinner. They are going to keep me updated with videos, pictures and messages on how his training is going.

I read this and for a moment wasn't sure if you meant your useless ex or the dog very well done on your handling of a really hard situation op!

Name change in case outing. OP wow. I’ve nearly read the whole thread but have a few more pages left. Well done you for showing such strength during such a bloody horrendous time. I admire you greatly

I would say though that it sounds very much like your ex had other mental health issues going on. The one that springs to mind for me is Borderline Personality Disorder. His behaviour is very much in keeping with it. While I don’t condone at all the way he’s treated you, I think people can be too quick to assume someone is just rotten to the core. Other than the common depression, anxiety and stress, most other mental health conditions are completely overlooked or just not known about by the vast majority. Your ex clearly has issues. Let’s just hope he sorts them out before he ruins the lives of any more people.

Again, well done OP- you should be incredibly proud. X

As someone with bpd, he definitely just sounds like a normal, shitty, selfish, childish man who was too lazy to contribute anything to the relationship but arrogant enough to assume she would carry on looking after him because he was just that amazing.

I can't think of anything she has described that sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder.

It's the same now days as saying 'they definitely are on the spectrum', as a way of describing someone's shitty behaviour, or explaining it.

Most people that behaviour like wankers are just that. Throwing mental health diagnosis at them to try and add to the credibility of their shittiness isn't fair on the people with those diagnosis who manage not to treat their dp like shit, or lie and harass, or any of the other things he has done off his own back because he wanted to.

Sorry to derail. I am obviously massively projecting, but it's a really sore spot for people's nastiness to be attributed to a diagnosis that already makes you a pariah.

Op you're amazing. And your dog is beautiful and it's so brilliant of you to give him up for the sake of him and and the things he will do. Shows how much you cared about his needs.

Hi I’ve been busy this weekend meeting friends and rediscovering a social life!

I’ve heard off him a few times but not responded.

I don’t know if he is mentally unwell or just a rotten person and I don’t care. I can’t fix him either way and I don’t want to!

I’ve been looking at butterfly tattoo’s and I quite like the watercolour style something like this goo.gl/images/fsGkbW

Hi Thisis, glad that you're getting your social life back.
You've done so well and saved yourself from years of mental abuse.
You're a star.
The tattoo I like is the first one, pale blue and pink. The dark ones I'm not to keen at all and the dark splodgys everywhere, I don't like at all.
Any news on the holiday money?

No news on the holiday money. I’m going to message him tomorrow.

I like the first one too

Fantastic, OP!

I second pinning this thread too.

PS I like the first butterfly best as well

Please don't message him - it will lose you credibility with the police. Could you ask a relative or friend to chase him up?

I could ask my dad but the police did say communication regarding property or money was ok. The constant hassling about getting back together was not.

first butterfly

I wouldn't message him. Potential slippery slope

I agree. He's going to see you messaging as the first sign that you are opening up a dialogue. Whatever the police say, it's his interpretation that's at fault, so you could be bombarded with messages again if he sees it as you've got over whatever sulk you were in and are now ready to have him back.

You already know he's not reasonable, so why would you do that to yourself? Go through your dad and keep him at a distance (XP, obviously, not your dad...)

I personally woukd go through his family, to get the money back, I woukd not engage with hin, any communication from yiu is a green light for him. And delete and block him. If it's not a massive amount, just let it go, not worth the pain tbh.

And if he refuses to give the money to your dad, maybe a solicitors letter might focus his mind.

Did he give you the money OP?

I got some back. Not half but a decent amount. Not willingly but I got it. Moving forward withh furniture removal as it’s getting removed next Tuesday by a charity.

Still feeling like a new woman. Much happier and content in myself.

You've done so well Thisis when you look back to the beginning of this thread and where you are now.
The start of a new life! And a bit of money to go on holiday!

What a wonderful ultimately uplifting story!you did it,you found the strength,the world didnt fall in as you used to think it would. Excellent.
I married the bastard and had three lovely kids before i fully realised what was going on ( no MN in them days....) OMG there is SO MUCH of this stuff,everywhere you look. Thank goodness for the internet, help and explanations and loads of practical advice. If you ve read this and it strikes a chord - get out ,you will NEVER EVER regret it.

Good you got the money. Roll on Tuesday!

Good on you, I am so pleased, onwards and upwards.

Well done! Just reinforces how strong you are.

I got my belly button pierced yesterday and I’m booked for my tattoo next week!

Not long to go and there will be no items of furniture etc here except mine. Can’t wait 😊