I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

Happy days lass

@thisisanewbeginning - go you!!

I got my tongue pierced after calling off my engagement!! Great minds, clearly onwards and upwards op!

Well done op! Iv been free for a few months now and it's an amazing feeling not to be responsible for anyone else's bullshit. Also done something with my hair that would never have been approved of. It looks great.

I will always remember the sense of relief I felt when I finally escaped our old my Ex's house and moved into a rented place. My hair stopped falling out within a few weeks.

Splitting up was scary and I imagined everything going wrong. It was hard to start making my own decisions again. The only problems I've faced, since moving out, have all been caused by my ex in some way. I've managed everything else, easily.

I have just about everything under control. Bills are paid promptly - budgeting is easy without someone sabotaging everything. I haven't had to scrape around frantically for food because some idiot wanted a new designer belt even though his wardrobe already has 4 very similar.

When we were together we had so many money issues - even though we had plenty of money coming in. It is strange being single on a fraction of that income yet managing so well on it. I can easily afford so many treats that I've gone without for years.

I thought there was a problem because I felt as if I had too much money in my purse - I must have forgotten paying for something!

I have so much more energy these days, everything feels easier to cope with and little problems don't wear me down. I look years younger. Laundry, shopping, cooking and cleaning the house is so effortless now.

Everything is easier now. I feel free.

Got my hair done today and had a new look that I really like. I look years younger than I did 2 months ago!

Everyone kept telling me that I was looking well after my split and you can see it in the photos.

Being unhappy and stressed out all the time is very ageing.

You remind me so much of the heroine in Stephen King's Rose Madder. I keep picturing you with blond platted hair like she had once she'd escaped

You are doing brilliantly! What's next for your 'new pad? New duvet covers or some painting? What about upcycling some furniture?

Onwards and upwards

Weirdly I am blonde and it was to my elbows It’s a lot shorter now and looks great!

Already done the duvet covers. Next is decluttering and painting. Also need to get off my backside and start some exercise. Have ordered the Shred and downloaded couch to 5. Summer is coming and my backside resembles a bowl of jelly! Plus I want to show my piercing off without having to pull my belly out of the way first

Your welcoming the Spring sunshine like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis.
You deserve all the happiness coming your way.

Thank you!

LOL! I'm trying to kick my bum into gear to exercise too. Did some yoga the other night (found loads of free stuff on YouTube) and slept so much better afterwards.

I'm trying to build up to starting strength training. Have a look at this site, it's very inspiring if you're starting on the exercise path:

m.facebook.com/FitWomenOver40

I'm just trying to figure out how to get started.

@paranoidpammywhammy2 your post gave me so much hope.

We both have good money coming in and don't have expensive tastes and everything has been pared back as much as it can be really and yet every week things must be budgeted tightly. You've given me great hope for the future.

I think that I will manage better financially on my own too.

By that I mean, if I set a grocery budget to be x, that's what will be spent or less, I won't go to the account and find that H has spent x + y, it wouldn't be anything frivolous but just money that was earmarked for something else.

I met with Women’s Aid today and scored 10/24 on the MARAC thingy. Some of that she said was because I was no longer in the relationship. I’m enrolled onto the Freedom course and I’m awaiting a date. I’m also going to go to their friendship group.

I’m just in from an afternoon shopping, lunch with friends and then tea and bowling with different friends. I’m shattered!

I also still have money in my bank, the bills are paid and I sleep well every night. I’m now down to 10mg from 40mg citalopram (under medical management).

I just wanted to say that this is one month of freedom and I already feel so much happier. I’m planning on doing a lot of work on myself so that I never try to save anyone other than myself and I can recognise a healthy relationship.

You're just a star 🌟🌟🌟🌟 OP!
So proud of you!

Thanks honkytonk! Wouldn’t be here without my lovely cheerleaders though. Love to you all

Well done.

I don't understand how I let myself get into the situation in the first place. Why didn't I recognise how unhealthy it was.

I really understand why the freedom course has it's name. I feel free now.

People tell me that I turned into someone they didn't recognise but they've got me back now. I'm not quite there but I'm travelling in the right direction.

I don’t understand how I got in that situation either paranoid and I’m determined I never will again.

Just read a thread about a shouty DH this morning accusing the OP of moving stuff and had a sick feeling.
Like stepping back into time. So glad I’m out of it.

Everything is easier now. I feel free

This sentence sums up the feeling of most people who've left an abusive relationship, and should be printed on posters and tee shirts!

And now I’m flying free!!

That's beautiful!

That's beautiful and signifies your new life😀

Beautiful!

Now be honest how much did it hurt

Surprisingly not very much at all! I was expecting it to be more painful