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Original poster

The Fabulous Crown wearing cafe. No contact thread part 9...

999 replies

seshi · 12/03/2018 21:01

Hello ladies for anyone attempting, going through or wanted to try No Contact. We don't judge on here... Just lots of lovely support and advice... Come join us

OP posts:
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31
gingergenius · 17/03/2018 14:03

@anxiousnow you have to do it via the desktop site - doesn't give you the option on the phone app! X

anxiousnow · 17/03/2018 14:53

Aha @Ginger thank You! Glad your little one sweetener the deal

NK glad you had the talk. Hope he doesn't turn stroppy again. I don't know why NC is constantly messaging. You are on his mind obviously but what it means on a deeper level who knows

gingergenius · 17/03/2018 14:56

Emailed ex last night to ask him to come up with suggestions as to how he sees splitting work going forward. (When he stole money it was because he apparently felt emasculated by me being in charge). He ignored me. So I sent this:

Have you given any thought to my email from last night? Much as it hurts to admit it we both know we don’t really ‘work’ any more.

You’ve made it clear you don’t want to just be friends or work together unless we are in s relationship so we really do need to put some thought to this. I don’t want to hurt you but equally I find myself hurt more and more by our situation and it needs to stop. I have many issues that I need to deal with. As do you. Unless you are prepared to go to JOINT counselling with me then I’m not prepared to continue being the fall guy. Relationships need effort from both sides. I am happy to put the work in and am currently putting things in place to address my contribution to our problems. BUT I am not and will never accept that our problems are just down to me. So the ball is in your court.

I just want him to shit or get off the pot and leave me alone. I'm not prepared to take the flak for the problems so I hope this will put him on the spot one way or another?

anxiousnow · 17/03/2018 15:06

Well done Ginger! Glad you have made it clear that you are not bearing the full responsibility for the problems. Let us know what he says

Ravenscloak · 17/03/2018 15:07

No roastings here - just support. Doesn’t sound like he adds much to your life, but would be hard work. Good luck with NC

anxiousnow · 17/03/2018 15:07

Happy St Patrick's Day NK GrinWine

gingergenius · 17/03/2018 15:15

@Ravenscloak meant flak from him not from here!!! X

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/03/2018 15:54

Welcome Soso

Honestly Ginger the fact that your kids don't like him would be enough for me and that is besides all the other abusive stuff he has done to you. You and your family deserve better.

Thanks Anxious any word from lookalike NC?

Teensandfuture · 17/03/2018 15:55

Happy St Paddy' s day NK

I have many Irish friends here in Leeds and celebration is big , shame weather is crap

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/03/2018 15:56

Seshi I have been replying to him. Now that I've pondered on what Bloody said I don't agree. He has never been and isnt a controlling person. At worst he is messaging me for an ego boost and at best because he has confused feelings for me. That's my take on it anyway especialky given our past and him trying to get back with me before.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/03/2018 15:58

Thanks very much Teens yes the weather is shocking we aren't long back from the parade the kids were marching.

wossgoinon · 17/03/2018 16:05

Someone kick me in the head. I want to now help him and try to understand why he does these things

Teensandfuture · 17/03/2018 16:53

NK I can see Bloody's point but not sure if I missed: does your NC knows you are separating with H?

Think it would have made huge difference to his intentions and contact if he has that information?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/03/2018 16:55

Teens I told him ages ago that I wasn't happy but no he doesn't know I am separating

Teensandfuture · 17/03/2018 16:57

woss
Be kind to yourself, it's natural to want answers and have some sort of closure but reality is you probably will never know the truth and even if you do it won't make sence to you.

I had no answers from my NC , I gradually came to accept that all the answers have to come from my sense of self love and self respect. Long road but it's doable!

gingergenius · 17/03/2018 17:00

@NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 honestly I think by sending my message I'm trying to make it clear that our issues are not just down to me. I don't for one second think he'll put his money where his mouth is and actually organise counselling because I genuinely think he has erased his culpability. I think what I was trying to do, sad though it is, is establish a sense of power. Pathetic I know but he won't do it and therefore he will be forced to admit he wasn't willing to work st it. Probably stupid but it was sent in a fit of pique because he refuses to engage in a conversation about how to create a sensible exit plan.

gingergenius · 17/03/2018 17:01

@wossgoinon I hear you. You're in a similar place to me x

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/03/2018 17:03

Ginger that makes complete sense.

Woss hope you're okay

Teensandfuture · 17/03/2018 17:24

Ginger sorry if I'm harsh but what cancelling going to help With? He as a person lacks integrity ( he steals but tries to blame you for it) , he lies , he gaslights.

Think his issues are his fundamental flows, flexible morals and lack of decency and couples councelling won't make him a great person.

I do believe he somehow managed to convince you that issues are between you two.

The better you realise he won't change the quicker you will forgive yourself for somehow being flawed, hormonal, unstable and unreasonable. I don't think you are any of it, but seeing yourself through his eyes..

gingergenius · 17/03/2018 17:27

I know @Teensandfuture. I know you're right. Clutching at straws I guess.

Teensandfuture · 17/03/2018 17:32

I think we all try too hard to make things work Ginger

Making too many excuses, accept substandard behaviour until lightbulb moment comes and it's crystal clear the whole relationship is so far from what you imagine happy relationship should be and then we say: no more, it's better to be alone then endure the pain. The pain that is entirely avoidable and we always have a choice to walk away.

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 17/03/2018 17:32

Sorry NK I didn't mean to upset you with my ranting about controlling men and messages Sad My heartfelt apologies ... I think that in my case NC was also confused and even meant what he said but in HIS case there was an element of control which he admitted to . Sometimes I think they don't even know that they are doing it .

gingergenius · 17/03/2018 17:34

Ok @Teensandfuture message received x

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/03/2018 17:47

Bloody don't be worrying you didn't upset me. I went away and thought about it but it doesn't make sense in my scenario. I know him 23yrs and it wouldn't be normal for him to be messaging whilst away. But you also made me think that I shouldn't be rejoicing because he is messaging more. It's hardly massive. So that was good for me to see too

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 17/03/2018 18:23

You have such a lot on your plate NK to deal with . Good on you for tackling your marriage . (There are so many threads on here currently about people just staying put in unsatisfactory situations . )