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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Fabulous Crown wearing cafe. No contact thread part 9...

999 replies

seshi · 12/03/2018 21:01

Hello ladies for anyone attempting, going through or wanted to try No Contact. We don't judge on here... Just lots of lovely support and advice... Come join us

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Oldbrook · 14/03/2018 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingergenius · 14/03/2018 19:04

Not mean at all @curragh1 and welcome x

curragh1 · 14/03/2018 19:08

Thank you Ginger Smile I'm a little concerned as he has depression, so with bearing that in mind and trying to stay NC it has been difficult.

Oldbrook · 14/03/2018 19:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingergenius · 14/03/2018 19:18

@belonger do you WANT him to see what you're doing. Sometimes we pretend we don't but really we do, to show them what a 'fun time' we're having. Before you do anything you have to be able to truthfully answer that question x

Ravenscloak · 14/03/2018 19:33

I’m doing really badly today. Can’t concentrate and looking at pictures of my NC on the internet Sad (he does public speaking in his field so is pictured at events etc). I’m missing him and missing being in his life. But I will persevere with NC as it’s the only way to go though more likely now to contact him on day 30 and tell him I love him

gingergenius · 14/03/2018 19:36

@Ravenscloak
STOP

YOU've got this.

What is that is upsetting you? What's the trigger that's made you feel like caving?

Itsalottery · 14/03/2018 19:44

ginger I can be a bit mood swingy too, I think I always have been! I'm the same ish age as you and sometimes it's worse but if I'm perfectly honest it's just me. However, I also have lots of good qualities as I'm sure do you. You don't need someone who points out your bad points all the time but someone who cherishes you for your good points.

raven sorry to hear of the bad day. How many days nc are you now? One day at a time. Just keep walking that walk.

gingergenius · 14/03/2018 19:47

Thank you Itsa.
Yes I've always been like it. NC knows this.

Oldbrook · 14/03/2018 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Belonger · 14/03/2018 20:10

oldbrook I honestly think that if still having him as a friend has an impact on something you enjoy, ie being on social media and sharing things with your friends, then you should unfriend him. Bollocks to indifference! Bollocks to other people noticing! Why on earth are those things more important than you feeling relaxed, natural and spontaneous in your own online space??

Put you first!!

Belonger · 14/03/2018 20:12

I'm feeling OK today, I recognise this feeling of distance from much later in my last NC attempt so it feels like it's a quicker process this time. I guess it builds on previous attempts, like muscles building on previous exercise!

Belonger · 14/03/2018 20:18

I'd love to know about your project oldbrook!

meowimacat · 14/03/2018 20:23

Hi everyone, thought I'd join.

I'm on day 3 NC with a guy I was dating for 4 months. Long story short, he seemed like the perfect guy, we get on SO well, everything was amazing the whole time. We had 'the talk' on Friday and he told me he doesn't want me as a girlfriend (even though he's acted like my boyfriend the whole time/talked about our future) - oh and that he wants to move to Australia!
He asked if we could continue what we have - being exclusive but not official - I told him I was worth more than that and would find someone else.

He text me a few times since then and I went NC Monday and he text once that day to tell me he missed me, which I ignored. Nothing since. I feel so crappy, tonight we would usually meet up. I know he'll be missing me, but he can't give me what I want and I need to let that sink in.

I have no desire to ever initiate messaging again though, so that's something. But I miss him so much, and it's so sad to think he doesn't care enough to want me.

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 14/03/2018 20:31

sometimes I think we just need to write off some days and start fresh the next one Great advice , oldbrook. That's me today too ravens

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 14/03/2018 20:35

meowimacat You sound as if you have good boundaries and you know what to do with this guy - well you have already done it ! These guys who lead you on are the worst -so unfair.

gingergenius · 14/03/2018 21:13

Omfg he's now booked out my time on a shoot this weekend which was only provisional (got all kids at home this W/e so needed to confirm). He didn't bother to check with me, just put it in the diary and when I queried it he just said 'oh was just making sure you remembered/I can attend with you if it's a problem' kind of thing. Is he trying to
Undermine me or am I just being paranoid?

user1493423934 · 14/03/2018 21:15

Welcome Meow!
Ravens So sorry you're feeling like this - Don't beat yourself up about it - it is totally natural to have these feelings, and I'm sure we can all relate. But you've done so good to get to day 30 . . . if you contact him you'll be back to day 1. Can you buy yourself something/do something nice for yourself as a reward making it to day 30?
We're here if you need to vent - better than contacting him. Good luck!

user1493423934 · 14/03/2018 21:16

Ginger - Go with your gut instincts. If you think he is, chances are he is.

gingergenius · 14/03/2018 21:16

I don't know

Basseting · 14/03/2018 21:18

Ravens Day 30 is SUCH an achievement!!!! dont chuck it away.x

ginger I dont know either but he is getting to you and for that I call: 'wankbadger' ! ((()))

gingergenius · 14/03/2018 21:20

Yes. @Ravenscloak - don't go back. You could end up being like me. DON'T Do it!!!!! GrinWinkSmile

seshi · 14/03/2018 21:21

Evening ladies... Just pulling up a chair... Been to yoga so feeling quite chilled. DS is still poorly. @ginger just because you are on prozac.... Like about six million people in the UK! Doesn't mean you are crazy. You are not.... He really is fueling your anxiety so blocking him will be a huge step in freeing yourself. I know it's hard... I still miss my ex h who emotionally abused me but I know it was so dysfunctional. My self esteem was literally rock bottom and it sounds like yours is. The website tiny Buddha has some good articles on rebuilding it x @ravens sorry to hear that you are struggling.... This is the hardest bit of NC.... Try to remain strong. @basseting meet up at the V and A sounds fab! Well I got my first affectionate message from NC tonight... Saying that he wished he was with me tonight... Haven't had anything like that from him since we split... I haven't replied yet.... Going to see if he messages me tomorrow. I am playing it very low key now until the gig... I think it's the best way to ensure that he comes... I know that it should not mean so much...

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Itsalottery · 14/03/2018 21:42

That must make you feel good seshi or do you have mixed feelings about it? Good for you for not messaging straight back! Inner strength and resolve have come to play!

ThePartingLass · 14/03/2018 21:43

Meow welcome. You're doing well already, NC is a tough path but when you absolutely know it's the right one it makes it slightly easier.

Ravens sorry things are hard for you at the moment. Try not to contact him on day 30 if you possibly can, you can do it.

Oldbrook with sm I have the same problem. I really don't want to unfriend/block as I know it'd be noticed. We have more than 40 mutual friends. My NC never posts, but I'm scared of others tagging him in things that would upset me. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure it will. Originally my aim was that we would be friends of sorts at some point in the future when I had achieved indifference but I now think, because of belongers quote we never will be. Why have people in your life who make you feel you are hard to love? It's so true. Crying writing this, it's horrible to contemplate but so true.

Regarding old flame who I mentioned earlier, I am going to leave it a month and if he hasn't contacted me by then I may contact him. He mentioned a song, and I said I love that song, and the singer is at a venue near us in June. He said he had tickets and I should go with him. I made a jokey reply at the time but at the end of the conversation i said I would go with him to it if we were both still single then! He said oh we'll definitely be in touch before then! But I'm not holding my breath... we normally have a longish phone call about every 6 months or once a year and that's it ... but then again we've never found ourselves both single at the same time since then.

I do need to tread carefully... this man did hurt me, he was very newly single, head all over the place. Tbh since we split I've always thought of him as the one that got away. Closure for me at that time was learning to live with that reality. But as I told him the other night, it wasn't as bad as this time. I only lost half a stone when me and him split, this time, with NC, ive lost 1 and three quarters stone and it's still coming off. Also I'd found someone else slightly less than 2 months after that split, which lessened the pain considerably. This time, it's around 2 months since NC told me he had found someone else, and I haven't got anyone really on the horizon.

In a nutshell, part of me thinks it's the lesser of 2 evils. If I did get hurt by old flame at least that would mean I'd be over NC, who is so nearby that grieving for him is a nightmare, so many places I could bump into him etc. Old flame lives about 40 mins away so at least no chance meetings if it went pear-shaped.

Old flame was a very good shag as well 😂!