Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What now

158 replies

averageguy1 · 11/03/2018 20:10

Quick background been together 5yrs both early 50s never lived together...relationship has had the usual ups and downs as expected. We went out last night for drinks with friends had a lovely evening got back to mine and after a small disagreement over food my partner punched me in the face about 6-10 times on two occasions resulting in a nasty gash to my nose and cuts to my face i didnt hit back just took it.
Today my partner doesnt know why it happened and is very apologetic i am left with a dilema do i finish it which i know will be painful or accept the apology..i am not going to report it as an assault and i know what my advise would be to a friend if in simular circumstances but its so much harder making the decision when its your own problem ,

OP posts:
Original poster
averageguy1 · 31/03/2018 12:04

Thanks Hells, had bad feelings last night feeling much better today and my DD is here to keep me busy, i am waiting for some information back and then I am going to book the holiday in Peru and tick it off my list at last . I will go for the coffee its just friends meeting up we had a 6 month relationship years ago so it will be nice to catch up .

OP posts:
Original poster
averageguy1 · 03/04/2018 15:33

Well that weekend didn't go to plan everything good until we both went to the same event on Sunday , it was a total freak meet up that neither of us expected. I was pleasant and said hello etc she burst into tears and couldn't speak which melted my heart.
I left the event and went off with friends to another village with my head spinning , i later bumped into some mutual friends (couples) who spent all the time trying to get me to forgive this 'one off ' incident which just added to my woes and got me wondering if i had done the right thing ending the relationship.

I left everyone early due to everything and ended up unplanned going to the ex's house for a chat and for closure, we ended up dtd and me leaving in the early hours for home ...yesterday she wanted to meet and sort things out I think we spoke enough the night before and she accepted that .

Today I am totally confused and annoyed I went back , i know you will all say I should avoid situations but we live in a small place with very entwined lives and she is happily out and about telling people i have ended for a stupid mistake she made , apart from locking myself behind closed doors at home what else can I do ???......

I never thought it would be so hard.

OP posts:
GoddessInTraining · 03/04/2018 16:01

Next time any of your friends try to talk to you about forgiving this “one off”, please ask them if they would say the same if the situation was reversed?

I’m genuinely shocked that so many people around you seem to be minimising domestic violence and can only assume that they think because the victim is a guy, therefore it’s no big deal, just get it over it....

Original poster
averageguy1 · 03/04/2018 16:05

I think it's exactly that because I have been assaulted by my female partner people don't see it the same , they have got me thinking along the same lines fgs

OP posts:
mamahanji · 03/04/2018 18:10

If you were a woman and your ex was a man, I guarantee any of your male friends would be threatening to go round there and rough him up for dating to hit a woman.

Why is it ok because you're a man? It isn't ever ok and your friends views are disgusting and harmful.

She may well be so so sorry. My ex was sorry when he hit me. He cried and cried. He left it about 9 months between violence. Just long enough for me to think he wasn't going to do it again. Until he hit me with a guitar. And the first hit was more of a shove on the back than the full on assault your ex did.

Next time one of your 'friends' makes a disgusting minimising comment again, ask them you were a woman and she was a man and 'he' repeatedly punched you in he face, should you forgive?

No. Exactly.

Original poster
averageguy1 · 03/04/2018 18:19

Fortunately 'my' friends who know her through me have been brilliant , its a few couples who are probably closer to my exp and one particular lady who is now ignoring me ...it's a nightmare

OP posts:
Original poster
averageguy1 · 04/04/2018 10:05

Trying to gather thoughts, a work colleague has told me to do a Pro v Cons list about the relationship she thinks it will help me start to get over things, how does that work do I just write down and if one list out numbers the other thats my answer ?

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 04/04/2018 10:27

I don't think that's useful advice when there's been physical abuse.

A list of all the reasons not to go back, so that you can look at it and gain strength when you're weakening because of her manipulations, now that might be helpful.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 04/04/2018 10:32

Because tbh, "she hit me" alone on the cons list still outweighs a hundred pros.

"She hit me" along with:
She's not taking responsibility for that
She's minimising that
She's blaming me for that
She's pressuring me to try again

... has a clear conclusion of: run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

She does not have your best interests at heart. (Your ex,I mean. I'm sure the work colleague means well.) She is thinking only of herself.

Original poster
averageguy1 · 04/04/2018 12:03

I have done the list and the pros are 6 items the cons read like an essay and go onto another sheet of paper, i will keep it and when i am feeling like i am today I will use it as a stark reminder .

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 04/04/2018 13:44

Wow. Sounds like your eyes have been opened and there was a lot already bad here.

Wishing you continuing strength, OP. KOKO.

ZestyMaximus · 04/04/2018 17:12

What now? You end the relationship and move on.

Original poster
averageguy1 · 04/04/2018 17:30

Zesty..I ended the relationship nearly 4 weeks ago but been struggling with the whole trauma of it , i am slowly realising that lots more was wrong than the grand finally.

OP posts:
Original poster
averageguy1 · 09/04/2018 20:41

I am now entering week 5 and I feel no different than I did the day after I ended the relationship , i feel like i am slicing off my nose to spite my face and I would be happier with her it feels horrendous with nauseous feeling, headaches and I think my first ever panic attack . Do all people who are violent once then go on to do it again ? I have got a horrible feeling I am going to look back and think i have made a mistake ended the relationship.....

OP posts:
GreenItWas · 09/04/2018 20:56

Violence is intrinsic OP. Don't go back please. I had this with my ex. He begged me to stay and I did after a grovelling apology. Three months later I had a neck injury that would have made you feel sick to look at and popped blood vessels in both eyes because I let the fire go out in the Rayburn. I left because....Y'know, I want to live.

Original poster
averageguy1 · 09/04/2018 21:04

I understand that and not sure about your relationship but she has never shown any signs of aggression towards me in 5 years only deep love , the pain is unbearable and I am thinking about it every waking hour ..

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 09/04/2018 21:06

Do all people who are violent once then go on to do it again?

Yes. Don't go back OP. It will get better in time.For now focus on you and the things you enjoy doing. Take care. Wine

Original poster
averageguy1 · 09/04/2018 21:39

I think one of the biggest thing is the feeling of never feeling such a deep connection ever again with someone , even if i met someone else in time it won't be her, that night apart things where very good .

OP posts:
serialcheat · 09/04/2018 22:03

You had to finish with her so you can meet ' The special one '

Don't go looking, she'll turn up when you least expect it......

But it's not your ex.

Snarfield · 09/04/2018 22:57

Don't go backwards OP - you'll only end up more confused. A clean break and that trip abroad is what's needed. Time to think and clear your head

Original poster
averageguy1 · 09/04/2018 23:03

I understand your messages I feel drawn towards her , i know it's not a science with how long it takes but I wish I wasn't feeling like this its almost like someone has died ..

OP posts:
blueduvetface · 10/04/2018 00:44

I felt like I'd never feel a special connection ever again. I've felt it probably 4 times since.

Snarfield · 10/04/2018 07:54

I understand OP. You need time to heal. Separating can be like a bereavement and it leaves your heart heavy for a long time. You'll feel you'll never get over this woman and you replay constantly the good times in your head and then what went wrong (in this case she hit you!!) thinking of how things could have gone differently.

It's all normal. Your emotions won't make sense. They are off keel. They will hit you in waves when you least expect it. You could be 'fine' one minute just going about your day and suddenly you'll get a reminder in your head of what is lost and it will hurt. Or you'll feel angry at yourself (you did nothing wrong) or her or the world. You'll experience denial about the fact you two are over and you'll downplay her behaviour so you'll convince yourself you can have a future with her. I feel for you.

You will in time get over her if you allow yourself the chance to grieve and heal. You've done great so far and kept yourself busy. Keep doing the same. And post on here to vent if it helps. We're all here for you

GreenItWas · 10/04/2018 08:30

On the 4th of April you said there was lots wrong with the relationship let alone the duffing up you got. Do you want to tell us what those things are OP? Sometimes when you get stuff like that down you can see the bigger picture? For what it's worth I felt the same way as you about my beater but after a couple of months apart and getting into my own routine instead of 'our' routine, perspective gradually dawned and the cons of the relationship started coming back to me on the drip. It was natures way of saying give it a swerve love! It was all years ago now and I just feel like an idiot for wasting so much time with him. I have zero feelings for him now apart from contempt at how he treated me. Perspective will come, just give it time. Go abroad, do the things you want to do and get dating when you get back.
If you stay with her this thing will hang like a bat in your lives because she has never owned it. My ex never owned it. He apologised but it wasn't heartfelt. He apologised for me getting hurt but he never took responsibility.

Beaverhausen · 10/04/2018 08:41

Sorry am probably going to sound harsh here, If the shoe was on the other foot you would have been arrested for assault and probably alienated from everyone around you.

She beat you and is now actin he victim, to me that is not normal if she can lash out for no apparent reason I would hate to see what happens further down he line.

You did go wrong in spending he might with her now that will make you look like a total twat in her friends eyes.

Go on your holiday, have NC and when you return see what happens.

If this was your daughter or son what would you advise them?

You do not want to wake up one morning with her beating your face in with an iron or maybe worse.

Swipe left for the next trending thread