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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What now

158 replies

averageguy1 · 11/03/2018 20:10

Quick background been together 5yrs both early 50s never lived together...relationship has had the usual ups and downs as expected. We went out last night for drinks with friends had a lovely evening got back to mine and after a small disagreement over food my partner punched me in the face about 6-10 times on two occasions resulting in a nasty gash to my nose and cuts to my face i didnt hit back just took it.
Today my partner doesnt know why it happened and is very apologetic i am left with a dilema do i finish it which i know will be painful or accept the apology..i am not going to report it as an assault and i know what my advise would be to a friend if in simular circumstances but its so much harder making the decision when its your own problem ,

OP posts:
Original poster
averageguy1 · 22/03/2018 22:55

Another week nearly gone and 2 weeks on Saturday since i walked out of her house for the last time , still feeling bad but this week has been worse, i think the first week was full of bravado by myself this week it has sunk in more ans has been a proper downer . One thing I have found is that my mates have all stepped up and been supportive (as much as men can be lol)and I appreciate that immensely, i am never going back but i do miss her so much it actually hurts inside...onwards and upwards .

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 22/03/2018 23:18

You will get there OP. You deserve so much better than her.

PrizeOik · 22/03/2018 23:38

It's horrible, the early stages of recovery. The way you feel is so normal. Just remember your only job is just to get through this time in one piece... You WILL feel better but you'll hurt for a while before you get there.

Your friends sound ace.

Original poster
averageguy1 · 23/03/2018 07:59

Thanks, i know things will get better in time hopefully sooner rather than later , got a busy weekend planned this weekend dreading the Easter weekend but feel once I get past that one i will feel much better ..

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/03/2018 09:28

Glad to hear your mates are stepping up. As much as we can try and offer support here, nothing beats real life help! Keep going... I just ignore Easter to be honest (it's just a chocfest these days anyway) and take advantage of having a couple of days off work! Can you make plans with any of your mates?

Original poster
averageguy1 · 23/03/2018 11:19

I have got my daughter for 2 days of the Easter weekend and then a day out with friends on the Sunday .. I have already cleaned my house to an inch of its death so weather permitting get outside and tidy .

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/03/2018 13:11

I hope you had a constructive and busy weekend.
You will feel bad for a while.
But your friends will help you through this.
Keep going!!!

Original poster
averageguy1 · 26/03/2018 13:58

Thanks hellsbellsmelons , the weekend went ok until yesterday when i bumped into her she apologised about the incident and again asked me to reconsider and people have done worse things and stayed together, she also said i made it worse by goading her whilst she was hitting me to get a reason to split...That all sent me into a tail spin yesterday and work has been terrible today...I didn't even want to split so not sure where that came from .

OP posts:
shooshoopoopoo · 26/03/2018 15:28

It certainly is a skill to apologise for assaulting you, at length, whilst at the same time blaming you for goading her! She and only she is responsible for her disgraceful actions. She doesn't even sounds embarrassed or ashamed!

You have done the really hard bit. Life won't be easy for a while. One foot in front of the other, head up

Original poster
averageguy1 · 26/03/2018 16:11

I am going to change my routine to avoid any further bumping into each other , its hard enough as it is

OP posts:
claret3189 · 26/03/2018 16:13

I think this is so sad and can only imagine the conflict you are feeling. I must say I think you need to leave however painful that is that's really not acceptable xx

Coyoacan · 26/03/2018 16:36

The only possible way that someone could forgive domestic violence, though still not recommended, would be if the other person accepted full responsability and went to get whatever help or treatment is available for abusers.

Original poster
averageguy1 · 26/03/2018 16:50

she does accept responsibility for it and is upset that her actions have made the relationship end, she says it's a one off and will never happen again so she doesn't think she needs help...I am devastated because I did and still do really love her but i will need to get over her somehow.

OP posts:
Helpmeplan · 26/03/2018 16:56

Why are you not reporting it?

shooshoopoopoo · 26/03/2018 17:02

But she isn't accepting responsibility if she thinks you were provoking her. Don't go backtracking and minimising on this.

Your decision has been a brave one. But I think the only way she could have come back from this was abject mortification and apology. She didn't respond like this though.

beboldbebluntbehonest · 27/03/2018 07:59

How on earth would she know it's a one off if she doesn't even know why she did it in the first place ?
From her behaviour and the fact she isn't accepting responsibility and is trying to blame it on you for "goading" her it's clear you wouldn't be able to trust her and I bet money on her doing it again & again.
You're better off out of it.
My dh was in an abusive marriage before me. She broke his ribs twice! If I do an action that looks like I may hit him he flinches. It's awful because I've never hit anyone in my life & I feel so bad for him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/03/2018 10:52

she also said i made it worse by goading her whilst she was hitting me

WTF!!???

So it's your fault she was hitting you? What a bunch of crap. That is a classic abuser 'line'...

'You were winding me up....'

'You know how to push my buttons...'

Do not fall for that bullshit!!! She is not taking responsibility for it.

You are doing really well. You've done the hardest bit and it WILL get easier.

PS: If you run out of things to get clean and tidy, feel free to pop over to my house! Grin

Original poster
averageguy1 · 27/03/2018 10:55

beboldbebluntbehonest

That's really sad about you DH and shocking , its something I have never had to deal with , i said to her it could happen ago because she totally lost control and doesn't know why she did , she is adamant because it was so out of character that it won't happen again but i am not hanging around to find out . I feel I have a difficult road ahead but i have done it before so will do it again.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 27/03/2018 11:41

You've only got her word for it that it was the first time. Abusers lie. In any case it puts you in particular at risk if she only did this to you and can't explain why she lost control.

Original poster
averageguy1 · 27/03/2018 11:47

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

sorry just seen your post i am not sure i am that bad i need to be cleaning someone else's house as well lol

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Original poster
averageguy1 · 30/03/2018 09:53

Well another week nearly done and it's been a rollercoaster of emotions , had no contact at all and trying to keep my mind busy. Looking at booking a walking holiday in South America (I backed out of one when we met) Out of the blue i had a message of an ex asking how I was and would i like to meet for coffee and a catch up , feel a bit guilty about accepting ??

OP posts:
Gide · 30/03/2018 10:19

Don’t go, it’s too soon and why would you want to see her anyway?

Helpmeplan · 30/03/2018 10:21

Go. No need to feel guilty

Original poster
averageguy1 · 30/03/2018 10:55

Gide ..we split up amicably many years ago and remained friends its just a catch up for a chat i am not looking for anything else and she knows that .

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/03/2018 08:37

Yep go.
Distractions are good right now.
No guilt needed.
Holiday sounds amazing.
Book it asap.
Keep busy this weekend.

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