My husband ‘filters’ the mail.

[Yhang39]

I don’t know if I am being ridiculous getting too stressed about this, not sure what to think. Our post gets delivered to a post box on the gate at the end of the drive to which me and DH had a key. Somehow my key got lost and so he brought the post in for a while which was fine. Then I would find some of my post buried in the bin and even saw him putting post in the bin. When challenged, he said he didn’t want my junk mail catalogues and stuff in the house so he thought it was okay to bin them. Of course this started a row which ended in silent sulking. Anyway I got my own key cut and try to get to the post first if I can, which due to my current situation is possible but if I bring the post in I get annoyed looks and tone of voice. It feels like this is something small to get stressed about but it just feels a bit controlling and I don’t know how to handle it. Any help much appreciated.

I wouldn't be happy about it. How is he in other areas of your lives?

The only thing that springs to mind is that he doesn't want you to see something.

I don't know how legal it is for him to be binning your mail. I'd put my foot down on this issue if it were me. I'm sure there are plenty of his things that you don't really want in the house. I wonder how he'd feel about you binning them!

What post is it he's binning? Is it junk mail? Do you leave lots of junk mail catalogues lying around in the house?

If dh did this it would be a sensible way of avoiding clutter (I'm useless at throwing things out, even if I don't want them) but if I told him there were some I wanted, then I would expect him to avoid binning them.

In fact dh just brings in all the mail, unsorted, and dumps it on the table. Where we both fail to deal with it. Which is obviously not great.

I’d be very uneasy about this. Are you a SAHM? Does he know what you do with your day?

Or is it that he’s worried you will see something he’s hiding?

What about removing box so postie delivers to house.

Apart from anything else why is he chucking mail with your personal details on it straight in the bin? I always shred anything with my address on, isn’t it a data protection issue if someone found it & used your details?

Not suggesting your DH should shred your mail without asking though!! He should just leave it somewhere for you to sort out!

Totally depends what the post is.
When I get the post in I automatically sift out the leaflets, spam catalogs for companies we once purchased on etc. He does the same and it never occurred to me that it might not be ok!

Sounds like the ominous beginning of a novel to me.

I wouldn't haven't problem in binning the junk mail. However, I would be annoyed if it was my post, certain catalogues, etc.

TBH, I sort out the post in our house.

Once his mum let slip that some post had gone to her house and she had put it in ‘his drawer’ ( he hadn’t lived there for 20 years) but he said it was just junk and blamed his mum for being over the top about things. It all seemed a bit odd at the time but his family are an odd lot at the best of times. I do wonder what exactly gets sent there but he rubbishes any questions. Apart from that he is really overprotective of his phone. I wouldn’t expect to read anything but he makes sure no chances occur. I am sounding really suspicious saying this aren’t I??

Does he control other aspects of your life? Sulky when you go out alone?

I’d be suspicious too. What is he hiding?

I am a SAHM so now I have a key can get the post. I certainly wouldn’t bin any of his stuff

You are right to be suspicious - his behaviour is suspicious.

Absolutely not ok to be doing this,whether he is "innocently" reducing trash or preventing you noticing something. Keep resisting and keep antennae up!

Apart from that he is really overprotective of his phone. I wouldn’t expect to read anything but he makes sure no chances occur.

That's kind of weird to me. Fine if you don't want your partner to access your phone but guarding it carefully is a bit off. Does he gamble?

I bin all junk mail in this house - I am the only one who opens the post though. If you tell him not to bin your post he should absolutely respect that.

He sulks if I see friends but I think that’s mainly because he doesn’t have any of his own

I filter through our mail and bin everything that looks like junk mail, even if not addressed to me. It's not controlling, I'm just saving DH the job

pallisers As far as I know he doesn’t gamble and has always been careful with money, never any credit/store cards but I suppose that’s a possibility

He’s either having an affair or hiding debts or both.

Certainly the relationship has been a bit rocky for a while and the affair thought has crossed my mind at times but he only ever seems to be at work or at home so not sure how he would manage it

Reading my last comment I sound very naive

Nobody ever thinks their cheaing OH hasthe time or opportunity

Is he controlling in other ways? What else does he sulk about?

Oh it's very easy to have an affair in a situation like that. I don't mean he is, but guarding his phone is a real red flag. If two married people work together it's quite easy to have an affair, as you both have to limit time away from home.