My husband ‘filters’ the mail.

[Yhang39]

I don’t know if I am being ridiculous getting too stressed about this, not sure what to think. Our post gets delivered to a post box on the gate at the end of the drive to which me and DH had a key. Somehow my key got lost and so he brought the post in for a while which was fine. Then I would find some of my post buried in the bin and even saw him putting post in the bin. When challenged, he said he didn’t want my junk mail catalogues and stuff in the house so he thought it was okay to bin them. Of course this started a row which ended in silent sulking. Anyway I got my own key cut and try to get to the post first if I can, which due to my current situation is possible but if I bring the post in I get annoyed looks and tone of voice. It feels like this is something small to get stressed about but it just feels a bit controlling and I don’t know how to handle it. Any help much appreciated.

When you say you saw him putting stuff in the bin did you then check to see what he had put in there - was it all genuine junk or was there other stuff that wasn't junk or was marketing stuff that had your name on or have things like birthday cards or bank statements etc ever made it into the bin?

If it was the latter category I would be furious and definitely do something.

Former category of general unnamed leaflets or stuff addressed to the occupier - I would still be cross but not as much. And now that we had had the conversation about not wanting it thrown away I would be furious again if he did it Again.

He is hiding debts. It is so obvious. Take your head out of the sand and demand to see the bank statements now. You should not be living off savings and providing childcare. How did you ever agree to that? it is so unfair. Also, take a copy of your key for the postbox and hide it somewhere. Just in case it goes missing again. You really need to get to the bottom of this. I would also get a credit report on the go.

He's living the life of riley, isn't he? He gets the majority of what sounds like a decent salary, no childcare costs, no costs associated with raising a child - clothes, days out, parties. Do you do all the cooking and cleaning? Does he spend much time with his child? Meanwhile you're doing all childcare, I assume all house stuff, and your savings are getting eroded into the bargain.

This really needs to stop.

So many red flags...what do you get out of the relationship?

It might be sensible to run a credit check (on both your names).

He could be hiding debt. Remember: you wouldn't know about it cause he is hiding the evidence.

Its probably not that helpful for your own mother to be suggesting to you that your husband might have another secret family or is saving for his exit. Just be wary of falling into a drama created when there are no facts. However, why would he tell you that he has set something up on his phone that he gets a notification when someone uses the phone? Was that a threat to you? He sounds like he is still very attached to his mother. He could just be a very immature arse, but that doesn't excuse him treating you like a child and being emotionally abusive to you by silent treatment etc.
If he gives you some looks and a tone of voice then I would say 'by the way you are looking at me and the tone of your voice, it seems you think I have done something wrong?' And then just see what he says.
Always call out the behaviour to name it in the room. So calmly remark about the fact you have noticed his tone of voice, but don't say 'you are angry' say 'your voice sounds like you are angry'. You don't tell the person what they are feeling, but you tell them your experience of it. Could he be gambling?

OP, I wouldn’t try to do this yourself. You need concrete answers.

Ring a PI and ask them to investigate. Get a fixed fee and ask them exactly what checks they will run. They can do some financial investigation and will tail him for a few days.

It will not be cheap but it will very likely be worth it. Obviously do not let on you have any suspicions at all.

Sorry op, but something untoward is going on with your husband. There are red flags for miles. It's time to deal with this head on, I'm afraid.

For those who have not read full thread it’s not just about junk mail it’s no access to joint account. His earnings or knowing what household budget is. Her paying for everything for son because he has no money and on top of that he gets to mail before her and dumps her mail. Which all sums up to pointing towards something being not quite right.

What is the timeline on this?

How long has he been intercepting the Mail? When did the key get lost?

Is he expecting someone to write the you?

Butteredscone that is an excellent idea

I get the feeling that he has come to resent your money which is protected by the pre-nup (assuming it’s legally upheld in a divorce) and has been saving his own pot with the justification that he’s just evening the score.

In some ways that’s not unreasonable and many women would be told to do similar. But if it is that then the way he’s gone about it is underhand and disadvantages you as you’re using your savings to support the family while he’s growing his at the expense of the family.

You need to decide how you want to proceed. Personally I’d do all I could to find out if he is secret squirrelling money etc while playing dumb and not letting on.

THEN I’d sit down with him and say that you need to go over finances and see where things can be improved, see if he disclosed what you’ve already dound out (assuming there is anything to find).
His honesty at that point will tell you all you need to know.

In the mean time, get planking to be back in Work STOP spending your savings and keep your eyes open

So he's a liar, one who lies without need or reason just for the sake of it.

You don't need him. Get rid before you have nothing as that's how it'll end of your stay.

Unfortunately ihe could get ugly if you confront him.

In your situation I'd move all my savings and direct my financial mail to a new secret po box. Then play broke and dumb, and let the chips fall. Let the bills go unpaid etc. You'll only learn his true colors in such a crisis. And if the marriage survives it will be on new terms . If not ,good riddance.

Might be innocent might not be.

Both of us bin the junk mail, but catalogs etc we have bought stuff from stay unless they have been directly binned before.

Would never open each others post or check mobiles, don’t know passcodes and don’t want to. Some people value privacy even if there is nothing to hide.

So was it you, OP, that raised the idea of and required the prenup? I've got to say if that was the case I'd feel pretty piqued in his shoes. Maybe he's trying to get himself into the same position you're in in terms of a lump sum? He's going about it in a stupid way but IF it's prenup- resentment I'd understand him.

I'm a great believer in joint finances in a marriage, especially one with children. Maybe you need to start a difficult conversation with him going back to the prenup bit to clear the air.

It could be that he's just a financially abusive selfish twat but that's a whole other problem so think about the prenup thing there could be a nugget of resentment that's grown.

I also bin my DHs junk mail. This is because leaving it on the side for him results in it piling up for months on end. I even sometimes open post if it’s a parking ticket or a bill and has been sitting around for a few weeks. He seems to refuse to open his own mail and largely payment of fines falls to me as he’s terrible with admin. I obviously talk to him about this though. The difference is that if he asked me to stop binning junk mail, I would. No sulking. I still can’t see what his ulterior motive could be with this though? Maybe he didn’t like feeling told off if he thought he was being helpful? You seem to lack communication between you.

I also have some old mail that still goes to my parents house. Bank statements for an old account with £1.99 in it. I’ve not changed this as I tried and it was a massive faff as I didn’t have the card anymore and my name has changed so I needed to sort that all out and it wasn’t worth it for £1.99. My mum hands me the letters in front of DH. I’m not sure if he’s ever asked me what they are but they aren’t anything secret and I would tell him if he did ask.

It’s stranger to me that you have to pay for things for your DC when not working. We have a private and joint accounts. I pay for everything out of the joint account for DC. You shouldn’t be paying for things for your DC by yourself or at all if you both agreed you’d not work. Does he know you do this? I’d insist you sit down and go through all the accounts and budget.

You won’t know if he’s behaving strangely unless you ask him. Ask him what the letters are and to jointly budget.

Does he feel slighted about the pre-nup? Unless it were a very unique situation I'm not sure I'd be happy with my DH wanting one of these.

Spend those savings on a PI.

Always bring the post in from now on. Always.

Visit his mum, chat, kindly collect his stuff from the drawer for him, you know because you are nice and why wouldn't you.

His behaviour is hugely suspicious.

Oh god I'm sorry I haven't read entirely through the thread but when my ex did this (hid my key) it was about financial control.
I was trying to make a personal independence payment application and because our letterbox was a box in a communal hallway, he was getting to it first and throwing the forms away! Then hiding my bank statements because he was robbing off me when I'd be taking/collecting kids from school. I thought at first he was just being lovely and kind by always offering to collect the mail each morning.
I hope this isn't the case OP and you have access to money. I'd say this is down to control, even if it'a junk mail. It's he who decides what you need and don't need and that's shit.

Are you sure he's not taking things out in your name and hiding them from you?

Is it possible he has a gambling issue and is getting credit cards and doesn't want you to see the paperwork involved with this?

OP I hope you are ok . It’s not right you don’t see his bank statement, it’s not right you pay out of savings for your DP. You are supposed to be married - a team, it does not feel like that at all. Your savings are diminishing and his presumably growing ( or being used elsewhere) please do something to look into this ASAP whilst you still have some savings to help you, if needed.

Both of us filter the junk mail depending on who goes to get it. Junk gets tossed in the burn pile next to the wood stove.

Something is very off