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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband ‘filters’ the mail.

130 replies

Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 20:32

I don’t know if I am being ridiculous getting too stressed about this, not sure what to think. Our post gets delivered to a post box on the gate at the end of the drive to which me and DH had a key. Somehow my key got lost and so he brought the post in for a while which was fine. Then I would find some of my post buried in the bin and even saw him putting post in the bin. When challenged, he said he didn’t want my junk mail catalogues and stuff in the house so he thought it was okay to bin them. Of course this started a row which ended in silent sulking. Anyway I got my own key cut and try to get to the post first if I can, which due to my current situation is possible but if I bring the post in I get annoyed looks and tone of voice. It feels like this is something small to get stressed about but it just feels a bit controlling and I don’t know how to handle it. Any help much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 23:01

When we got married we got a prenup so he knows how much I have and it’s enough to last for a good while. He declared what he had then but at the time he used to be quite generous and I knew he wasn’t holding back. Since then in the last few years he has a much better paid job but says he never has any money at the end of the month but I can’t see how that can be. Basically he must be lying. My mum reckons he’s saving for his exit and she often has a feel for these things

OP posts:
Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 23:02

My mum also suggested the 2nd family

OP posts:
Thistlebelle · 10/03/2018 23:03

Why do you have a pre-nup? That’s not that common.

Ask to see all the finances. I’d he says no then you have a decision to make.

And go back to work.

Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 23:07

My financial advisor suggested the prenup in case the worst ever happened. At the time I questioned whether to mix finances and marriage but took the advice

Thistlebelle You are right, I need to confront this as at the moment I am burying my head in the sand trying to construct this perfect life.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 10/03/2018 23:07

This is ringing all sorts of alarm bells, op. Sad

gillybeanz · 10/03/2018 23:08

Yhang

This friends ex dh worked away though, so had the opportunity.
If yours is in when he should be then chances are it isn't.

I was just pointing out that all your suspicions will be adding up to something.

Would mil be ny help, let something slip if you visited her?

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 10/03/2018 23:09

I filter out junk mail (regardless of who it is addressed to) and put it in the recycling bag before bringing the mail into the house.

I'd be grateful if DH did the same!

Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 23:11

gillybeanz
Fortunately my MIL can be pretty outspoken and stupid with it so she is a possibility but I know he lies to them at times, often about stupid stuff that there is no need to lie about and sometimes his dad sees through it and tells him off. Worth a try though. Will do some investigation

OP posts:
Cambionome · 10/03/2018 23:11

I agree with asking to see all finances. I had to do this with my stbx, and even he - controlling arse that he is - couldn't think of any good reason why I shouldn't be allowed to know what was in the bank accounts etc.

timeisnotaline · 10/03/2018 23:15

If it’s just asking to see finances you make up some story about what if he got hit by a bus, how do you know what’s what.
It all sounds like bad news though op. It’s not a good relationship whether he’s faithful or not.

goose1964 · 10/03/2018 23:23

Pre nups are not enforceable in the UK , this behaviour seems a bit weird,

Inertia · 10/03/2018 23:29

You should be claiming child benefit to at least partially cover your DS clothing costs etc. If your husband earns over the limit then he can pay the extra tax.

The lack of financial transparency rings huge alarm bells.

AdaColeman · 10/03/2018 23:29

So you had a pre-nup to protect your assets Yhang but for some years your husband's actions and attitude have ensured that those assets have been eroded?
I hope for your sake that agreement is watertight Yhang.

Prepare a draft monthly budget, and say that because he always says he has no money, you want to view the family finances with him, so you can understand where the money is going. His answers will tell you a lot. Stop spending your savings!

GabsAlot · 10/03/2018 23:42

how is it a joint account if youre not allowed access to it?

hes hiding something its doesnt sound right

squarecorners · 10/03/2018 23:51

I filter the mail. I do bin stuff I know to be junk he doesn't want and I open stuff that looks important because I know if I put it in his box or won't get opened and if its a parking ticket or something he'll get in bother if he leaves it. I also bin the toolstation catalogues, so guess I'm an abuser then...

Thistlebelle · 10/03/2018 23:59

Perfect takes work OP.

“Perfect” marriages have really good communication and talk about the stuff that worries them.

If you want perfect you need to stop resenting his behaviour and start discussing it.

Sweeping stuff under the carpet just means you trip up on the big lumps.

HeddaGarbled · 11/03/2018 00:03

Ah, OK. You had a prenup to stop him having access to all your money in the event you split up. So he's been secretly accumulating money against such an eventuality.

Prenups aren't legally binding in England. Savings he has secreted away are marital assets and he won't get to keep them to himself. But you do need to know how much he's squirrelling away and where.

OutyMcOutface · 11/03/2018 00:05

I ‘filter’the mail too. For the same reason. I’m not being controlling-DH would be welcome to junk mail if he wanted it but obviously he doesn’t. I’m not hiding it from him either. I just put it straight in the bin because that is where it belongs.

ReginaPhalange2 · 11/03/2018 00:11

Could you not set up a Clear score account to your email but with his details?

You would need to know all of his info thou and some details about when some credit was open or who he holds bank account with.

You could always delete it straight away after.

This would show you any debts x

LemonysSnicket · 11/03/2018 00:36

That’s not small he’s throwing away your mail ... your correspondence, your property. I’d be going MENTAL.

Also I think it’s illegal to open peoples mail

LittleLightsShineBright · 11/03/2018 02:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 11/03/2018 02:32

Do a credit check on yourself, you’ll also need to put his details in as you presumably have a joint credit history.

littlequoll · 11/03/2018 03:33

Hi Yhang39, I got to this post via some general browsing, but as I was reading this it sounded a lot like something I've just been through. From personal experience I would say you should be very concerned. These kinds of behaviours are not normal. If he accepted that you would like to keep and read your mail when you told him that, that would be normal and healthy. His making such a big thing out of being in control of this part of your life (even if it seems like a small thing on its own) is a really big red flag. I would be less concerned with what he might be trying to hide than about what his controlling behaviour says about who he is. Does he get angry often? Do you find yourself changing the things you do or say for fear of how he might react? Does he monitor your movements and your spending? Does he gaslight you? Please research covert, emotional, psychological abuse. Above all, if he fits the profile of a coercive, controlling abuser, do NOT confront him. Emotionally distance yourself. Do not react to him. Keep a diary. Document everything. Talk about his behaviour with a GP or counsellor. Especially if you have children, you have no idea how important this is. Abusers do not ever suddenly change into prince charming, their behaviour only gets worse and worse. When they finally decide to end the relationship because you resisted their control too much, they can then go on to make your life hell in the family court and may even apply for custody of the children so they can remain in control of your life. Sorry to sound so dramatic, but I would have loved it if someone could have saved me from the nightmare I'm in with a little timely advice like this.

Shoxfordian · 11/03/2018 05:02

He sounds abusive
Its not ok for him to decide what post you can and can't see! Its also not ok for him to sulk when you go out with friends. Can you go stay with your Mum? Really consider if you want to be in this relationship.

helloBuddy · 11/03/2018 05:20

Seems strange this thread.

What's wrong with him binning junk mail?! I'd have no problem with my partner doing that.