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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband ‘filters’ the mail.

130 replies

Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 20:32

I don’t know if I am being ridiculous getting too stressed about this, not sure what to think. Our post gets delivered to a post box on the gate at the end of the drive to which me and DH had a key. Somehow my key got lost and so he brought the post in for a while which was fine. Then I would find some of my post buried in the bin and even saw him putting post in the bin. When challenged, he said he didn’t want my junk mail catalogues and stuff in the house so he thought it was okay to bin them. Of course this started a row which ended in silent sulking. Anyway I got my own key cut and try to get to the post first if I can, which due to my current situation is possible but if I bring the post in I get annoyed looks and tone of voice. It feels like this is something small to get stressed about but it just feels a bit controlling and I don’t know how to handle it. Any help much appreciated.

OP posts:
FlashTheSloth · 10/03/2018 21:25

I wouldn't like it. I always get the post first and DH sometimes gets junk leaflets but I would never bin them, it's his choice if he wants to look at them. I'd be livid if he did it to me. I see it as controlling.

Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 21:27

We have been together 10 years and at first he was ok about letting me use his phone at times but in recent years (probably since DS born -he’s 4 years) he’s much more guarded about it and says he has set it up so that he gets a notification when someone uses the phone ( I don’t know if this is possible but he works in IT so I suppose it probably is)

OP posts:
Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 21:32

FlashTheSloth Some days I like the choice too of just reading the rubbish or daydreaming about things I could buy. It seems like something minor but I almost feel possessive about my junk mail!

OP posts:
DownTownAbbey · 10/03/2018 21:36

Even if he genuinely thought he was being 'helpful' binning the junk mail, once told to leave it alone he had no reason to sulk.

Sounds like your spidey senses are tingling. I think mine would be too.

Emmageddon · 10/03/2018 21:36

I like getting junk mail, especially catalogues of clothes I can't afford, it's like window shopping without leaving the house.

Do you seriously think he might be playing away? Or is he just being a bit of an arse?

Joysmum · 10/03/2018 21:39

It’s normal here for she and I to automatically bin junk mail and catalogues etc but we wouldn’t have an argument if it was requested by either of us that we didn’t. That’s the difference.

AdaColeman · 10/03/2018 21:41

My guess is that the post going to his Mother's is financial. maybe savings accounts? Do you know what happens to all the money he earns? Does he control the family money?

NapQueen · 10/03/2018 21:41

Is his ph0ne lock screen fingerprint or code?

PinkLemonade4 · 10/03/2018 21:43

If it's a pizza menu he knows neither of you will use or a cleaning leaflet he knows you won't be interested it, it's reasonable for him to bin it. He shouldn't be binning post like brochures you requested or things you're interested in. It's controlling to do this and controlling to say what post you can bring into the house. He seems to have weird peeves. I couldn't deal with that.

Theimpossiblegirl · 10/03/2018 21:44

I'm sorry OP, I immediately thought hidden debts. How involved are you with your finances?

TheJoyOfSox · 10/03/2018 21:46

He does realise it is a criminal offence to interfere with mail, I presume that also means him putting mail not addressed to him but to you into a bin is a crime.

Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 21:50

AdaColeman I did wonder if it could be financial as although we pay the same money into the joint account which covers most things (I live on savings at the moment until I can go back to work- childcare is the issue) if there is any extra needed that are luxuries he always says he can’t afford it but when doing the maths on his wages he should be able to. I sometimes wonder if he’s saving for his exit but that’s adding too much together. I would never expect to see his bank statements though but maybe that’s not normal?

OP posts:
Akire · 10/03/2018 21:50

Surely most junk mail you can opt out of so anything addresses to you instead of householder it’s reasonable to suggest you want to see it. If it was me I’d sign up to getting lots more!

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 10/03/2018 21:52

Are you sure that original key of yours has not been lost in purpose by someone?

I would be livid, who does he think you are to ver your post? Does he thinks he has rights over you?

Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 21:52

Akire The thought did just cross my mind to flood the mail box daily with junk mail!

OP posts:
corythatwas · 10/03/2018 21:54

So you are paying the same amount as he, but out of your savings, while you provide childcare for your joint child? What is his contribution to the costs of childcare then?

Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 21:55

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant I had left the key for my mum in the house for my mum to check the post whilst we were on holiday and she swore she left it in a certain place but when I went to look for it it had gone. At the time I just assumed it had been mislaid and would turn up but it never did.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 10/03/2018 21:57

So you're not working just now, but are helping to finance the household with your savings? Who came up with that plan?

Akire · 10/03/2018 21:58

Redirecting your mail for month isn’t that expensive. You need bills and ID but far as remember you don’t need to be there to sign up. So roger get your mail send to friends or send it all so you can see
If anything’s he hidding. You can then drop it back in mail
Box after you have looked. He be none the wiser.

Thistlebelle · 10/03/2018 22:00

Why are you living on savings? Why isn’t he supporting you? Confused

When we were first married DH still had some mail going to his parent’s address.

It wouldn’t have bothered me but his mother made such a production about handing it over that it drove me up the wall.

I just set up a mail redirect and then every time redirected mail came through stuck the update address form under his nose for him to sign until everything was changed over.

Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 22:01

corythatwas Basically I do most childcare and pay out of savings for extras which the joint account doesn’t cover such as most of DS clothes, his birthday party and things to do for DS when it just him and me in the week. DH says he can’t contribute any more to the joint account and so if I don’t pay for these extras then DS wouldn’t get them and DH knows I wouldn’t not spend on extras.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 10/03/2018 22:04

I don't like him, OP. He's like a Communist Party convention, with all those red flags flying around.

TheFrendo · 10/03/2018 22:04

Do you have a joint bank account?

Do you know what your husband earns?

Change the lock on the post box.

Akire · 10/03/2018 22:06

If you can’t afford even clothes for
Your son then surely you should be getting tax credits from
His wage alone? Maybe suggest doing a benefit calculation. Then if
He’s very iffy you know he’s hidding something. Does he never spend a penny on himself or clothes? Surely
You put your child first if you are that
Broke.

AdaColeman · 10/03/2018 22:07

He's making sure that you spend all your savings so you have nothing to fall back on in an emergency.

What I'd do is stop spending savings and start using the joint account for everything.
Do you have access to the joint account still?