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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband ‘filters’ the mail.

130 replies

Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 20:32

I don’t know if I am being ridiculous getting too stressed about this, not sure what to think. Our post gets delivered to a post box on the gate at the end of the drive to which me and DH had a key. Somehow my key got lost and so he brought the post in for a while which was fine. Then I would find some of my post buried in the bin and even saw him putting post in the bin. When challenged, he said he didn’t want my junk mail catalogues and stuff in the house so he thought it was okay to bin them. Of course this started a row which ended in silent sulking. Anyway I got my own key cut and try to get to the post first if I can, which due to my current situation is possible but if I bring the post in I get annoyed looks and tone of voice. It feels like this is something small to get stressed about but it just feels a bit controlling and I don’t know how to handle it. Any help much appreciated.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 10/03/2018 22:07

So, he controls you, he makes you spend your savings, he refuses to acknowledge that he's getting free childcare- right charmer you've got there.

Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 22:09

It does sound so suspicious, I just didn’t believe myself and hearing your responses when you haven’t met him confirms I need to trust my instincts about this more. Everyone who knows him says what a great guy he is and can’t believe I can think badly of him.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 10/03/2018 22:10

When you're working, does he earn more? Or do you?

AdaColeman · 10/03/2018 22:13

He sounds like a mean nasty controlling bully to me Yhang but they can all put on an act to fool outsiders that they are a really grand bloke.

Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 22:14

Akire Unfortunately we don’t qualify for any benefits, he says he just can’t afford it but I have never seen anything on paper. I asked an accountant friend to do some calculations for me and he does have money but at the moment I can’t prove it

OP posts:
Creambun2 · 10/03/2018 22:16

The being uptight about anyone seeing his phone is suspicious.

Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 22:17

Davespecifico
Thanks for that link, it doesn’t look good.

OP posts:
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 10/03/2018 22:22

OP is there any way you can begin to search for details of savings or accounts? Does he keep paper copies of anything in the house? Something absolutely isn't right and, odds are, if you confront him he'll be moody and make out that it's all your doing and you being unreasonable.

Even if he's not having an affair he's behaving awfully saying you have to live on savings and buy clothes for DS as though your DS is solely your responsibility. You really don't have to accept this as your lot.

Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 22:23

BitOutOfPractice

He will probably always earn more than me but when I had DS I wanted to stay at home and felt I could make that choice easier because I would still be contributing to the joint account (my money comes from an old compensation claim)

OP posts:
Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 22:24

Idontbelieveinthemoon

Everything is telephone or internet banking (or could go to his mums)

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 10/03/2018 22:27

I would be suspicious. tbh honest my first thought was he had a secret child. Confused it just reminded me of the thread about a child in france.

Akire · 10/03/2018 22:28

Had a look as a
Couple he must be earning more 18k to be out tax credits zone. What is your rent and basic bills like? Find it hard believe there is never anything not even the odd tenner to spend on your son for clothes or outings or anything. If things were that tight you would know exactly how much you had in the bank to the pound so you didn’t go overdrawn or pay a bill to early and get bounced. Red flags all over sorry.

If you earn less than that are you going to wait until he starts school? Have you real got thousands and thousand in savings to pay for everything he need for 5years?

Thistlebelle · 10/03/2018 22:33

He can’t afford clothes for his child? Hmm

In which case I’s be insisting asking we sit down with the laptop and paperwork and be looking at the budget together.

Carouselfish · 10/03/2018 22:33

I don't think affair, because what would that have to do with post?! Agree he's withholding financial details from you. If he won't be open and truthful that would kill the relationship anyway, for me. At least if you weren't together you could make the support of your child official and it would be investigated FOR you. However, it's not the money that's so important, it's the lying and that he's one of those annoying people who think they can just 'put their foot down' and refuse to discuss things. How can you feel on an equal footing with someone who does that? It's really dismissive.

Thistlebelle · 10/03/2018 22:33

In your position OP I’d be getting a job ASAP.

Sorry.

mishfish · 10/03/2018 22:35

Doesn’t sound good OP

He sounds like a selfish and controlling twat.

If you went back to work for at least 16 hours a week then your DS would qualify for the 30 hours funding and would be in full time school from September. I think it’s worth considering going back to work part or full time- more to protect yourself than anything else.

I don’t understand why you don’t know anything about his finances. That’s really worrying.

tamaraboomdeay · 10/03/2018 22:37

MyBrilliantDisguise - love the Communist metaphor. Grin

Good luck, OP.

Maybe he just has a pervy/weird hobby he doesn't want you to know about?

Original poster
Yhang39 · 10/03/2018 22:37

Akire
There should be enough in the joint account for extras and everything for DS but I don’t think DH ever got to grips with not being a single man and living the life doing whatever he wants and so we have different ideas about what is important to spend money on. We do have a comfortable life, I can’t say we don’t but I think if I am almost in a cycle of paying for stuff so that life continues. I think I am just afraid to confront the situation.

OP posts:
mishfish · 10/03/2018 22:38

PS OP my ex was similar though thankfully we broke up when DS was 7 months old.

He was always ‘skint’ (he still claims he is), I was paying for absolutely everything and couldn’t understand how when he had virtually no living costs and a full time wage. Turns out he was riddled with debts and has a drug problem.

Jux · 10/03/2018 22:41

He's cheating you by forcingmyou to spend your savings while amassing savings of his own. He hides financial information from you. Why? Are you not a partnership, a team? Are you not both parents of your child? Is ds not an equal responsibility for you both? Why are you payong for his clothes? Why are you paying for his fun things and extras? Why? It makes no sense unless your dh hasplans or intentions you are not included in.

MistressDeeCee · 10/03/2018 22:44

He's hiding something.

Akire · 10/03/2018 22:55

Does he know how much you have savings? What happen if you said down to your last £500? Would he do joint budget then? He’s not a good dad or partner if he always puts his needs first. At best it’s mean at worse he potential has thousands stashed away for what? Leaving?

LittleLightsShineBright · 10/03/2018 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gillybeanz · 10/03/2018 22:56

OP, this sounds just like a friend of mine about 10 years ago, I'm not suggesting this is the case with you at all, because you say he's home or work, but friends xdh had a double life and another family.
It took her and her friends 2 weeks to find the evidence.

You need to do lots of snooping, the drawer at his mums, could you visit and see.
I'm sorry but he's definitely hiding something.