Literally just saw a text on DH phone from my best friend saying lumu :(

[autismmumwithafamily]

What do I do.
Standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle and my husbands phone beeps. It's a delayed text from midnight. It's from my best friend. It says 'nite gorgeous lumu'
I am stunned and my heart is going like the clappers. We have 4 children. She has been on family holidays with us, my children call her auntie. My marriage is not great but mainly because he's been foul to me recently. I can't even cry.

She texting her a couple of times a night. Even if it's just about the weather I wouldn't think that was particularly ok tbh-because just why? Sorry op. Sending lots of strength your way

I would confront the so-called best friend and ask what the hell is going on.

If the text just said "Nite x" or something I would wonder if it was just that he's having a good old bitch about his life (hence the deletions) and she's enjoying being his shoulder to lean on. It's the gorgeous bit that makes me more suspicious.

Wouldn't there be more texts on the bill though? Or are they texting to see if it's ok to call? Plus surely he would realise that if he used what's app there would be no trace of their messages or calls?

I think you first need to think about what you are going to do. Will you leave him or try and sort things out?

You don’t need any more evidence. If he denies it, he is a liar and a cheat.

NotSure

My FIL had numerous affairs. In the end, my MIL confronted the other woman and together they confronted FIL. Both did the ‘pick me, pick me’ dance. FIL agreed to move into his own place to ‘give him some space.’ This also gave him the chance to get all of his mail sent to his new address and of course he took all of his paperwork with him.

MIL was desperate to make things work for the sake of the kids (ironic as they all agree it would have been better for everyone if she’d kicked him out after the first affair).

Eventually, he moved in with the other woman. MIL has no idea of his finaincial situation and FIL claims he is penniless.

As the saying goes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. If MIL had kept her cards close to her chest, sought legal advice and gathered evidence of their finances, she’d be in a much stronger position than she is now.

@Notsurehwatiwant you need to read the thread. OP has found evidence of a number of late night texts from her 'D' H to OW.

OP, unless you have a way of retrieving deleted messages from his phone then the phone bill is good evidence. If messages are sent via WhatsApp don't forget to check his WhatsApp photo album as I think all images are saved to the phone unless he has changed the settings. I think it's good to keep quiet if you can. At least until you have considered your plan after you confront him. Ie, where you or he will live and money etc.. Is there any chance OW is a MN?

Collect together evidence of his bank accounts, pension, house deeds, any debts etc.

You need to start protecting yourself and the children financially.

If its WhatsApp you can retrieve messages sent in the last 24 hours. You might need to Google but I uninstalled and then reinstalled WhatsApp (you will need the WhatsApp password) and all messages from previous 24 hours appeared. There is also a 'deleted' folder on WhatsApp. I have a teen so have had to use this.

Great message from MazDazzle.

Op, apologies, someway I missed your last update about the multiple calls at night.

If you want to save the marriage and he wants to do the same, fantastic you may find a way to go through this. It won’t be easy but it is possible, you have done it in the past.

If you have already decided to leave, let him think you are none the wiser so you have more time to plan and prepare for your exit. This may take weeks, months or even years, but you only need to split when the time is right for you and your children.

snowy it’s not whatsapp it’s text.

Don’t confront him until you have more evidence. It might work to confront her face to face and tell her he’s confessed and what the fuck was she doing etc..

My children are my priority and I fear for myself that I will just be told it was just banter and I'll let it go. But love, love you miss you, that's different isn't it.

If it was banter they would do it in front of you and not behind your back.

Are you able to check his itemised phone bill and his bank account and credit card?

I’d be checking all of this, preferably before you confront him.

I like the idea upthread of texting her from your phone, while you’ve still got his phone and saying you’ve found out he has multiple STDs

why are people talking about confronting the woman in this? its her OH who is the serial offender here. this isn't his first affair.

OP you know already in your heart of hearts that you have all the evidence you need. late night texts sometimes twice or more in an evening that he then deletes when he doesn't delete anyone elses messages. and you only found them because you overheard him telling your son his password so you could get into the phone.

absolutely do not confront her. he is the one in the relationship with you and not her. confronting her gives him time to get his ducks in a row. you could confront her, she contacts him then when you get home he will do the

"I didn't want any of this. she has been pestering me. I didn't encourage her I have been trying to put her off. poor me, I am the victim in all of this of her unwanted attention. I deleted the texts to save you any hurt or embarrassment"

I am sorry but you have to take control of this situation and do it really quickly as I said in previous posts. you can only hold onto his phone for so long. so use the time wisely to get everything financial copied to you or password protected by changing passwords.

of course the kids will be upset. but honestly don't keep letting yourself be this knobs doormat. doing all the shit stuff for him whilst some other woman gets all the goodies.

for goodness sake ignore those people telling you to meet her or to take her phone or any of these other suggestions. he will dump her to save himself like a shot - men like this always do. he has form for it - making out that you are the mad one so why not make the OW out to be mad?

OP its happening, it really is and you need to very quickly deal with it. please don't do the staying for the sake of the kids thing. that will just destroy your self confidence and is only ever going to end even more badly.

I feel so sorry for you having to confront this but you do have to. speaking to her, following him, bugging him all this nonsense its just a diversion from dealing with the hard facts.

please dont stay for dcs sake it never ends well you will resent him and nothing will make u happy

I'm so sorry, OP, that really is an awful discovery. I would definitely wait until you have more evidence before confronting them both though.

I’m so sorry. I’d like to think it’s nothing and maybe he’s leaning on her but if he’s got form and that last message would set alarm bells ringing.

Because the woman is her good friend mummymeister-or so the op thought. She can't be absolved of blame in this. They are both nasty bastards.

You wanted options for what to do next as you want evidence.

Forget your phone when you're with your friend. Ask to borrow it to look something up or something. See if she's deleted her messages. Press forward (to you) on any particularly bad messages.

It's not sounding good op.

Darth I am not absolving her of blame. I am saying that the first person to speak to has to be the OP's DH. not some subterfuge with the friend telling her he has an STD, or that she suspects he is having an affair and seeing how she reacts, or going out with her and stealing her phone.

she has the evidence but just cant quite believe it which is understandable. what more does she need, a picture of them DTD whilst she has an early night? what will it take to convince the OP?

I just know this man is going to follow the script. he is going to blame the OW and say that she is pestering him, he is the victim and nothing has happened. and the OP will stay with him and he will move onto his next partner having treated the OW equally as shit as the OP. I can almost hear the excuses tripping of his tongue.

Your son will be able to adjust given time and support OP. I know it's hard but you all deserve better.

Wait til you get concrete evidence before you do or say anything. Maybe try and wake between 10 and 12 to see if you can catch him texting her. I really hope this isn't happening for you, I know how bad this will be for your children especially with autism in the mix.

Lemurs understand Madagascars uniqueness?

Have you seen him much today?
How has he been? Did you keep his phone? Has he noticed anything?