Literally just saw a text on DH phone from my best friend saying lumu :(

[autismmumwithafamily]

What do I do.
Standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle and my husbands phone beeps. It's a delayed text from midnight. It's from my best friend. It says 'nite gorgeous lumu'
I am stunned and my heart is going like the clappers. We have 4 children. She has been on family holidays with us, my children call her auntie. My marriage is not great but mainly because he's been foul to me recently. I can't even cry.

Any chance you can get his phone and then ring her? You've said she's the person you would confide in so ring her and say you're upset, a text message came through from a number you didn't recognise, tell her the message but then tell her you've got to go as he's home or coming downstairs. See how quick she texts him to tell him you know!

Or you could confront him. I know I couldn't be arsed with trying to gather evidence once I had seen a text.

My heart goes out to you.

I’d be acquiring her phone when she’s next in your home at the loo - send her and DH into the kitchen to make a cuppa or something and leave your phone recording either video or audio. Line your piggies up

Oh OP. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. A very similar thing happened to me about six years ago and I'll never forget how it felt at the time. It's horrible, but you will come out the other side and be happy again, no matter how awful things are just now. You're going to be fine.

In the mean time, prioritise the well-being of yourself and the DCs. It's a grieving process.

Just send her a text saying LUMU and see what she does. If possible send it when she is with you and stare coldly at her.

cool calm and collected. Dont worry about breaking the family up, he did already when he started texting your best friend.

So sorry op.

They are just going to cover their tracks without hard evidence. As awful as this is, I don't think it's enough to confront them over. But at least you know now, and they will slip up. Your best bet is to try and get his phone somehow in the evening.

I think you’ve already got enough evidence OP.
She’s texted him what you saw this morning, there was only he one text despite you knowing from the phone bill that he texts her regularly so he’s obviously deleting things.

If it were me I’d be going to see the friend and confront her. You’re much more likely to get some semblance of the truth.

Agree borrow her phone...she has probably not deleted her texts.

I guess it depends if this is enough evidence for you to ditch him no matter what they say. I would be happy that I was 100% sure something dodgy was going on and would happily dump without needing more evidence.

But if you think you might be conspvinced of their innocence then get more evidence.

Or you could play some games back with them both . Tell her you know for a fact he is having an affair with the secretary at his works place as you have seen the texts and the pictures are very graphic .

Then advise him, oh haven't you heard , slag bag is dating a new man at our work place , you should see them at the photocopier and water cooler together , cuties !! Then exclaim how happy you are for her to have finally found someone .

This should get them questioning each other, cause a bit of havoc between them and you may get some evidence off the back of it, it may make him less organised in deleting text etc upset their apple cart op ! Xxx

I was the same and needed cold hard evidence. I’d seen a text message to my, now, exh but he could have said it ‘was her, not him’ ‘they were just friends’ the usual shit. So I snooped for over 2 weeks and finally saw a sent message he’d not deleted, from him to her saying ‘Ive just got home, love you x’ he couldn’t deny that. I was actually impressed just how festidious he was about deleting her messages and his sent messages, but I only needed the one.

So I can completely sympathise with the OP about needing evidence he can’t deny

I'd be tempted to play a few games too. Tell her you're pregnant and it's twins but you're dreading telling DH as he's been a bit distant lately. What should she advise.

My ex deleted all emails from his phone - it was pre smart phones. I had to get more evidence as I knew he would try and deny it which he did. Keep your powder dry and just watch them both.

When I got proof ( on his emails) he denied it and tried to make out I was imagining things so the evidence helped as by that time he had gaslighted all my confidence away.

I meant texts, oops.

Tell her you've found hundreds of e-mails confirming escort usage , for men and women!

Tell her you really didn't realise the depths of depravity he is really into. Swingers, dogging the lot!

I would have to go to the "friend" and say "so how long have you been sleeping with DP? And there's no point in denying it" she won't have a clue what you do or don't know so she's more likely to reveal.
I feel for you about the previous time. I had an ex of my DP contact me 10 days after I had my second son and she went into disgusting detail. He had been messaging her while working away and slept with her on our eldest son's birthday. It killed me, he denies it to this day (the sleeping together bit) but in my gut I know it's true. They always make you feel like it's in your head, trust your gut. It's not worth staying with someone who will repeat this behaviour just because you have kids. I'm not saying it won't be hard at first but being treated this way isn't worth it. X

A lot of the responses on here are suggesting game playing. I wouldn't. I would sit back for a while and watch until I'd got proof - until then, they can both lie and you will never be 100% sure, whatever the current evidence points to, and you will continue to hope that you're wrong.

Don't play games; they are playing enough for all of you.

Or you could go round and confront her. Say you’ve seen all the texts. She’s likely to confess then.

He will definitely deny it, if you confront him with that text. You need more evidence. Some good suggestions on here

I really wouldn’t mess around. I’d do what a previous poster suggested early on and text her back the exact text she sent him. Then sit back and let them explain.

I accidentally texted my boss saying “I’m childless for the weekend!!!! shall we meet?”

I would still be dying of embarrassemet if he had not accidentally texted back, at 2 am two days later, saying “thank you for the amazing night, you are a lovely lady”

He was at my office full of apologies first thing on Monday morning. Fortunately, I had seen him walking to work holding hands with the “lovely lady” in that same morning so we could put all this sorry business behind us.

I do hope OP it is all misunderstanding.

OOOOhhh horrible shock! Sorry you have this in your life.
He sounds horrible too.... oh god. I wish well for you xx

Can people stop talking about texts going to the wrong person - this does happen of course, but seems highly unlikely to be the case. The DH has form for this - including when the OP was in labour - her best friend has been hanging round their house after splitting up with her husband and staying up late with the DH while the OP goes to bed. If it looks like a turd and it smells like a turd it is a turd. What do you want to happen OP? You've forgiven him once and moved on. Is it worse because it's with your best friend - is her betrayal perhaps almost worse than the betrayal by your DH (who after all has done exactly this before so it's not that surprising?) You have four kids together - what do you want to do? Based on previous experience you know how he'll react - try to minimise it. He's still with you so not in a rush to go anywhere. I think before you confront him you need to be very sure what you want to achieve. If you are determined to kick him out this time then - as others have said - get your ducks lined up first so you can stay two steps ahead of him and take the upper hand.

If this is enough for you to dump him what does it matter if you confront him now and he denies it? You have already made your decision so you don’t need more evidence

So sorry you are in this position xx