Literally just saw a text on DH phone from my best friend saying lumu :(

[autismmumwithafamily]

What do I do.
Standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle and my husbands phone beeps. It's a delayed text from midnight. It's from my best friend. It says 'nite gorgeous lumu'
I am stunned and my heart is going like the clappers. We have 4 children. She has been on family holidays with us, my children call her auntie. My marriage is not great but mainly because he's been foul to me recently. I can't even cry.

Texting her every evening certainly raises my suspicions. I’m so sorry to hear this, I do understand what you’re feeling.
It does look like they are up to no good.
Ask him something you know the answer to, and if he lies, at least you then know you’re dealing with a liar, which isn’t promising.

You're right OP. Without firm evidence, he will only talk his way out of it and take this further underground.

Approach her before him! IMO

I think you know it’s pointless asking her. You’re not married to her. You already have your proof . You will drive yourself crazy just trying to catch him out. The trust has gone . End it . But get things in order first and go see a solicitor

Your kids will still see their Dad

In reality, it may not be anything more than texts. yet.
The problem is how ever far it has gone, it exists, it's not a one off accident
he is deleting texts, & not telling you he is chatting to your bestie.
The hurt of betrayal (hers) is piercing.
I think I would challenge her.
So, what the fuck are you doing hitting on my husband? I've seen the messages. She is scum.

Oh @autismmumwithafamily we're all rooting for you! I think the phone bill is the proof you need to confront him.

Well I don't know that I would find it easy to say something. because you know that as soon as you do, there is no pretending anymore, everything could change. Hope you get some kind of resolution soon, this must be so hard, especially as you don't KNOW know, and there is always a spark of hope that maybe you've got it wrong. When you have definite proof, it's easier to get angry and try to confront them, but till then I don't think there's a single 'right' way to act.

Could you go for coffee with her and ask to borrow her phone quickly? That would get you the other side and proof you need?

Don't confront her. Confront him then tell him to go move in with her. I'd want him out right away if that was me.

That would be evidence enough for me.
I'm sorry op, what a huge betrayal.

I say don't approach her. Keep quiet, gather your evidence, try and get hold of his phone again (when he's in the shower/asleep?) then take screenshots with your phone of any messages. He is a shitbag and she is just beyond words. So sorry, stay strong and get those ducks in a row re: finances/mortgage etc. Just the fact you are doing SOMETHING may help.

Assuming you get your evidence and you want to end the marriage. What do you really want moving forwards? Him moving out and you doing the donkey work... you moving out and rebuilding a career for yourself?

Be careful about ending up poor with all the donkey work whilst watching H skip off to a new care free life!

And as said above, your children will still see him.

The phone bill is all the evidence you need. It shows them texting every night yet when you went on their message history there was only the most recent message.
Absolutely awful from both of them, whether you decide to stay and forgive DH or not, I definitely strongly advise you drop her as a friend. What a spiteful cow, after everything you've done for her!

Now that you know the password to his phone is there anyway you can wait for him to fall asleep this evening and go digging further ?

Someone else also mentioned arranging cofffe with the "best friend " and ask to use her phone as yours has died/keeps crashing /has a problem of some sort and you need to call the doctor's /bank /insurance company urgently . Wander off with said phone into ladies or even better the disabled loos saying you don't want ransoms hearing your bank details . Screen shot away . Once done I'd flush her phone down the toilet by accident ofcourse

Sorry you are going through this OP. If my DH received such a text in error from my mate, he would laugh and share the situation with me - that would be the normal reaction if innocent.

That was meant to say randoms not randsoms 😂

I hope this comes across ok but I’m glad you found the further evidence so quickly.

Have you considered a thread on the sn board about planning the change with your autistic son.

I think a solicitor will be worth involving early. They are experts on the trajectories.

For a start, child will need to stay in own home (autism/change). You are primary carer so you need to stay there too. Therefore he has to move out. Is there enough money to make this happen?

I think planning for DH to continue being a dad -even a good dad-will give you strength.

Change your routine op ... don’t go to bed early...watch his reaction closely iyswim?
You only checked on him at lunchtime... where do you think he’s having the opportunity to spend time with her?

don't ASK ... TELL them you know they're at it... and tell him to leave... your kids will be okay Lady.. they have and will always have YOU

Oh dear op I am sorry for you.

I would confront your friend. Her reaction will tell you more than his if he is already capable of lying about affairs.

Fuckitpassmethewine is on the money w/r to borrowing her phone

FWIW I don’t think you should talk to your “friend” about it. She will tell him.

You need to gather evidence and get your ducks in a row before you confront either of them.

Is there anyone you can talk to about it, a sibling or friend you trust not to talk to anyone else?

if you decide to confront them (and her first) you could always meet with her as normal and have 'forgotten' your phone so you can ask to borrow hers to text him. It's unlikely that she's deleting his texts if she's single. Her response will give you an answer because she'll have to play for time to delete them rather than just putting her passcode in and giving her phone to you.