Literally just saw a text on DH phone from my best friend saying lumu :(

[autismmumwithafamily]

What do I do.
Standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle and my husbands phone beeps. It's a delayed text from midnight. It's from my best friend. It says 'nite gorgeous lumu'
I am stunned and my heart is going like the clappers. We have 4 children. She has been on family holidays with us, my children call her auntie. My marriage is not great but mainly because he's been foul to me recently. I can't even cry.

When this happened to a friend of mine the worst thing she said was, everyone throwing advice at her. She listened to what was relevant, ignored some but ultimately put herself and her girls first. She also said it was like grieving but he was alive so mixed emotions. It could be a mistake text but if not do what is right for you and your children and seek professional advice.

Wow. Thank god you might finally be getting away from this absolute shit of a man. I’m so sorry OP but he’s awful.

Stay calm. Get evidence of the message.

Do not say anything until you have gathered together all paperwork and documents - kid's ID, medical records, banking statements, any information relating to mortgage / pensions, debts etc. Remove all of this to a safe place.

Then you need to decide what to do for you and your children. Find someone in real life that you can trust.

I would throw him out the house and I would tell her husband straight away.

You don’t need proof to end it with him. He’s done this before and I think that all the proof you need

I’m feeling your pain, I have been through similar and the emotions you will feel over the coming days and weeks will feel extreme, sadness and extreme anger (I don’t think I have ever felt real anger until I was cheated on). But you have the strength to get through this and to raise your kids without this twat living with you. I am raising my autistic children on my own and I have to say it’s been so more relaxed and easy without a manchild in the house. I know it must be twice as hard knowing that not only your dh but your best friend could do this to you, she’s no friend and she deserves what she gets, if he runs to her he will cheat on her too and she will have no one to go running to.

Vile fucking bastards!

Disgusting idiots to treat you like this.

The sooner you kick him out and cut her off the better

I couldn’t be bothered with all the spying, gathering evidence, hiding stuff, taking pictures etc etc.

You saw what you saw. Personally I’d ask him about it. You will know if he is lying.

I think you have a 10 year old disabled child.
So you will need to envision a workable future for the three of you, figure out what it would take to finance that with the help of a solicitor and then make that happen.

I'm so sorry to read this. I also have disabled children and know it's so hard to hold together. Xx

I'm sorry that it's not looking good lass.

I can understand the 'message went to the last person' situation, but the deletion of all the others is odd.

Why have you put up with him being so foul to you?

*She also said it was like grieving but he was alive so mixed emotions.8

It absolutely is grieving. Heartbreak is bereavement. I've experienced both.

I found out at the end of last year that H was having an affair & the level of betrayal was just shocking. But I did what others suggested - I took 10 days to get all my ducks in a row, I saved all the proof I had and saved it away from the house, I photocopied all the bank info I could find as well as his pay slips & his pension info & those 10 days have me a chance to talk it thro with friends & get myself a bit together. Then when I confronted him I was perfectly calm & calculated & completely immune to his denials since I knew I had the proof. He’s atill bugged that he can’t get a hold of the proof to destroy it

But I should add i’m so sorry you’re going through this - it fucking sucks & im still going through a really hard time with a future that looks very different but I will get there and so will you - I promise

I would do what others have suggested - keep his 'phone, let him think he's lost it (put it on silent though) and text your "friend" and say you have your suspicions that he may be having an affair. She will text him straight away, I'm sure.

Then ditch them both.

Hellsbells no I've never been in this situation thankfully and hope I never am but I know I'd react in that way as as I'm a very impulsive person and can be highly strung.

If this is what you think it is then I feel very sorry for you. And very angry on your behalf. It will soon be two years since I found out my best friend had been having An affair with my stbexh. We had spent a lot of time all together, they were lots of conversations about her with my h (I was supporting her through her marriage breakup-totally unaware of the real reason it was breaking up), she was supporting me with my marriage issues-there were so many times they looked me in the face and were lying in the worst possible ways.
I was and still am I think more hurt by her betrayal than his. H had a bit of form and things weren't good. She had no reason to do it-I had been a good friend to her and the way she went about it was just heinous...plus yes as pp have said, the lies about me afterwards...
I'm in a better place but I still struggle with it all... it's a long and hard road this one...
If you can find proof before confronting then do...because they will never admit half of it... and yes to trying to get an idea of what you might be able to do from a solicitor-just so you are aware of your options. I'd also try and think about some counselling for yourself if you can...betrayal like this Eats away at you and all other areas of your life if you let it...it's bloody hard.

I know he’s generally foul but, if you regularly confide in BF about how awful he is, it’s likely that she tells him all this. She’s probably been nurturing a mutual dislike for each other from both sides.

OP, I am sorry. I don't have any advice to give you except to say take some time out for you. You don't have to do anything at all right away. My DS has autism and I know how hard it is to manage that, let alone anything else. Go and do something for you. If you can.

Quite so hotdoggity...in my case conversations I'd had with her about my h which were meant to be between two best friends and which she had provided advice on were, I now see, obviously being related back to him... and the advice she was giving me was to his benefit... so Machiavellian and fucked up.
There will be a lot of recalling of conversations and occasions now op, that you will see very differently with hindsight... part of the horrible process

Try to stay calm, and get your ducks in a row. If you can, seek legal advice about the the best way to prepare for a legal separation / divorce and start gathering all your paperwork (not sure if this is something Citizen's Advice can help with?).

If there is a family member or very trusted friend (noone who is also friendly with the OW) that you can confide in, talk to them.

As others have said, you need to try to think calmly about yours and your children's future. It'll be hard but you're much better off without him.

I’m so sorry. Your instincts on this one are absolutely most likely to be correct seeing as he has form. He sounds like a snake and a lousy husband for how he treated you when you needed him most.

Ok. You know his password. Keep quiet, and whenever you are alone with his phone, get evidence. Channel your anger into a secret power bank of secrecy and planning.

He sounds like a prize shit, so, feel no guilt about scheming behind his back.
Xx

And I'm sorry you've had to put up with all of this crap

God how awful, I'm sorry.

You are more likely to get the truth from her than from him. She's single, she's texting him, she might be waiting for the opportunity to "claim him". Unless you find concrete proof we careful of accusing him, because his first move will probably be to tell you you're crazy and then get away asap to warn her not to say anything.