Husband & porn - please only comment if you can be helpful or supportive as I genuinely can’t cope

[Ifeeldreadful]

I’ve name changed for this, as I feel truly dreadful, and don’t want this situation associated with the ‘regular’ me.

This is very long, and please, if you can’t say anything helpful or supportive, then please don’t comment - I just can’t take it.

My child seemed quite unwell. I wanted to check the symptoms online, but realised I’d left my phone in the bathroom from when my DD had a bath earlier & I’d caught up on emails. I couldn’t find the laptop, and in my panic I just went and opened the bathroom door and caught my Husband sat on the toilet ‘enjoying’ porn on the laptop.

He very quickly tried to close the window down, but I’d seen about 1 second of it. It looked like ‘regular’ porn, but I’m just utterly disgraced, incensed in fact that he was ‘enjoying’ any porn. I looked at him with disgust, and just said ‘seriously,’ before walking out with my phone and slamming the door.

I didn’t know what to do, but ever since then, I’ve wished I’d taken the laptop off of him and watched what he was watching - I just can’t cope with the betrayal of him using porn full stop, but then also not being able to see what he was watching is absolutely destroying me.

I also hate the fact that I don’t know if he continued to use the video after I’d fled the room in a clearly angered state.

I was physically shaking and thought I was going to be sick. I went and cuddled my child and tried to continue normally, in the hope that I could speak with him whenever he next showed his face, but I couldn’t cope. I went to our child’s bedroom and cried uncontrollably and hyperventilated, and couldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to stop crying and quickly get my child and I ready to get out of the house, but I failed miserably. I didn’t want her to see me like that, nor the neighbours, so I only managed to put my coat on and wipe my mascara from my cheeks before he came into the room.

He told me how sorry he was, and put his arm around me. I shuddered and told him not to touch me. I couldn’t look at him, or even in his general direction. My shaking was terrible by that point, and I burst into uncontrollable tears again. Our child came running in and hugged me and asked what was wrong & went and got tissues for me. I tried my best to stop crying and get my shit together, as I don’t want her seeing her Mummy like that, and for the sake of my unborn child. Obviously I couldn’t discuss/address anything with our child there, and all I ended up saying to him is ‘how does he think I feel for watching it in the first place, but when I’m 39 weeks pregnant too, and when I’ve hardly had a spare moment to myself like usual and he has done as he pleases all morning.’

He kept apologising and saying he’d been stupid. He said he’d gone on YouTube to watch something and clicked on another video, and then he saw that one and started watching it. He started blaming the internet saying how easy it is to access porn.

I don’t believe him however, and I’m convinced that he uses it regularly. A few years ago before we had our child, I came home early and caught him then. I went ballistic and was distraught. He promised he’d never watch it again. I have never got over catching him that time, and now it’s happened again.

It may sound strange, but a huge problem for me is that I don’t know exactly what he was watching. From the seconds I saw, it all looked ‘normal,’ and with female adults, and I don’t doubt the content for a second. I just simply feel I have to see properly what these women look like, and what exactly they were doing. It’s the unknown that I can’t deal with. I’ve dwelled on it over and over since the first incident, and always wished I’d demanded that he show me the video.

I went and searched the laptop history earlier, and tried to access his YouTube account, but funnily enough the bastard doesn’t use a password for that that I know. We know each other’s passwords for everything else. I tried a few different passwords and gave up in severe frustration and a sea of tears. I wanted to cut all of his clothes up!

I was ‘forced’ into trying to act normally as our child was there, so I think he thinks I’m handling this better than I am, but I can’t get over it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him, and I’ve been crying for hours.

I can’t handle not seeing what he watched, and the feeling of being lied to, and the betrayal of it all (including using an unknown password). I was really hoping I could just sit and watch it without him knowing, but now I feel that the only chance of trying to move on is if I demand that he sends me a link to the video and I can watch it in private (no way could I watch it with him there). I just don’t feel I can continue with the relationship until I can watch the content and try to come to terms with it all. The thought of him being present at our child’s birth and seeing me so vulnerable is repulsing me.

Do you think I should demand that he sends me the video link?

I’m honestly thinking of taking our child and staying with my parents as I can’t cope. Obviously I don’t want to do this and uproot her, but also because I want to give birth st our local hospital and my parents live ages away.

Please advise and comfort me. Thank you in advance.

I understand not liking porn, I really do but that reaction is really extreme. Is there a backstory to this? Why the need to see exactly what he was watching... you said adult women, are you worried he's watching kids?

I would have a terrible fright if I walked into the bathroom and saw women in pain on a screen and someone I loved obtaining pleasure from that.
If I were heavily pregnant, I might be inconsolable for a while.

I hope you and your dc are feeling better op.
don't think posters are giving their opinion regarding porn to be nasty or unsupportive. I think they are just saying the reaction is huge and I, like many, are struggling to see how it is proportionate to the situation. The only time I have cried and shaken uncontrolably to the point of hyperventaling is when I witnessed a death and when I was assaulted. I'm not saying everyone should react the same way but such an extreme reaction is not healthy for the op.
I would also suggest that hormones may be playing a part here op, I'm not saying that to patronize you at all. I can get a little upset if someone at work is a bit short with me on a hormonal day, so at 39 weeks pregnant your are very sensitive, worried, excited and hormonal all at the same time.
I personally don't have a problem with porn and yes I do think most men (and a lot of women) use it to self satisfy. But I do think it was extremely inappropriate for your partner to be sitting watching porn, with you and your child able to walk freely in the bathroom. I can understand why that would upset you if he knows you don't like it.
I think there are a lot of extreme views with regards to porn, the mainstream industry has changed a lot over the years. Rape, sex trafficking, sexual abuse are all illegal, the majority of pornography is not. I use porn both in and out of relationships. I don't abuse people, agree with rape or hate women (I am one) and I wouldn't class myself as 'cool'.
I was concerned that you were so focused on what the women looked like. Is this because you think he is comparing you to them? He won't be, from my experience watching porn is completely separate to my rl sexual encounters. I had a conversation with my male friend about this recently. He said that men need visual stimulation that's what porn gives them. I would wonder if you have a problem or get upset at the thought of your dp/dh masturbating in general or is it the thought of the added porn?
I also don't understand the importance or relevance of him having passwords you don't know and am struggling to see why you seemed angry at this

So how did these poor men wank before printed porn became available, Confused?

Porn is abuse, but it's acceptable socially now - just like wife-beating used to be.

OP, DH still loves you, you know. Whether you respect him is the point - I would take time to breathe a bit and see what he does to apologise.

I don't know MrsBibby, I'm not a man and I wasn't born over a 100 years ago.
I was simply relaying a conversation I had had and a man's response. I know why I watch it.
Porn can be all manner of things, Sure, some is abusive not all of it is and it's completely different to wife beating.

I think regardless of whether you think porn is ok or not- that reaction is seriously extreme and you do need to seek some support for that.

My DH laughed his head off at me when I fell over backwards at 39 weeks pregnant. I was annoyed but did not react like this!

OP, this is my area - I have been you in the past.

There are two things happening here which are separate issues, and they have become linked so that you can't tell where one ends and another begins.

The first issue is that porn is a deal-breaker for you - that's okay, it a valid feeling and it's a deal-breaker for me too. Everyone is entitled to decide what they are and are not okay with in a partner's behaviour. What we sadly can't do is control other peoples behaviour or make them into different people with different interests, personalities etc. No matter how convenient that would be. It is a sad fact but if you can't stand porn use, he might not be someone you can continue in a relationship with.

The second, separate issue is that you sound like you may possibly have antenatal depression. I say this because one of the things that can occur during depression (and depression before and after birth is incredibly common) is that people ruminate and obsess, their thoughts spiralling and circling, returning endlessly to sources of anxiety of fear, almost like psychologically beating yourself up I suppose. It is horrible and I have experienced this. It is very frightening and lonely and you have my complete sympathy.

Don't do anything hasty, by all means sleep separately if you need to, but wait 'til your child arrives and see if things settle down in your relationship first. Until then, I'd strongly advise you visit your GP and ask for counselling or therapy, even go private if you can afford it. Get some support because feeling like this is dreadful, whatever the cause.
I hope you are on your way to feeling settled and a bit brighter very soon.

I don't think you have a right to know or demand what he was watching in all honesty. That's personal to him.

I understand you are upset but you do not need to be personally offended xx

sadiesnakes has articulated perfectly what I was going to say.

I understand why you're upset. 39 weeks pregnant is a very vulnerable time. He should have been helping with your child and not wanking then. He shouldn't have promised not to do it again too.
I think it's a bit extreme to watch the videos that he watched. Can you even trust him to send all of the ones that he actually watched and not the tamer ones?

I don't think you should DEMAND the link but you could talk to him, let him know how much it upset you and ask what it was that he was watching?
I don't understand why you've reacted this way, to me it's harmless (as long as it's 'normal', consensual, etc) and wouldn't bother me but I think you could do with taking a step back and working out why it's had such a major effect on you?
I hope you're able to work through this and can lay down boundaries with your DH about what's acceptable and what's not.

OP, I can see you’re struggling

For me, I don’t mind porn. In fact I masturbate to porn often. It wouldn’t bother me that my DP does, too.

However, despite being a fan of porn, I would not be a fan of my husband pleasing himself on a toilet where his child could have walked in and seen it, and I do find it disrespectful to do it whilst you’re in the house, too.

I agree with others that your reaction to this is extreme, and I say that in a supportive way. Please don’t throw away your marriage over this. I’d be discussing with my partner how he made me feel through doing this whilst I was in the house, and I’d also let him know my stance on porn if it was similar to yours.

Your hormones will be everywhere right now, and rightly so. Whilst an overreaction, it’s your reaction and that’s okay. It’s what you do about that reaction that’s important.

Rest up, OP. You have an important week ahead with baby popping

I can't believe how many are on here telling OP she's just hormonal.

FFS she's pregnant, not lobotomised!

Personally, I don't have a problem with porn as long as it isn't watched obsessively. I think most adults are able to differentiate between unrealistic sexual behaviour in porn and real life sexual relationships. I feel it is damaging to young minds, however, as they may not have experience of real life and view porn as 'normal'.

I do think you overreacted here, but only you know why. He wasn't cheating on you and your reaction is as if he was. Are there other issues in your marriage?

Try to look at this with a clearer head when you're feeling calmer.

I really dislike the "you're overreacting" and "you are extreme" crass comments. Stupid and stereotypical in their "little hysterical woman" undertones, calculated to make a woman feel even more crappy about her current situation. Nasty.

OP, try if you can to find a middle ground for your own peace of mind. Discuss with your DH, or even a Counsellor (go on your own) your feelings around what you discovered and how you would want to go forward from here onwards. We only have a snapshot here re what's happening in your family and married life, I'm thinking there is much more to this and you aren't over-reacting. I hope you find a way through this

It's not "nasty", the OP is massively overacting and needs to get a bit of perspective. This is not the end of the world and she should certainly not be considering breaking up your marriage over it if everything else is normally ok.

To the OP:

Is this reaction because there is a bigger picture?
Perhaps try to think about why it bothers you to the degree it does? Something going else must be going on here?

Why should she not? Especially if porn is her red line and has said so before? Whether people agree with that, or would break up their marriage for that is not op’s concern. It’s her boundaries that matter no one else’s. I think people have a cheek and aren’t helpful trying to enforce their boundaries on her.

A lot of posts on here are sneery and nasty, making op out to be hysterical. It’s like people can’t read.

Another fan of sadiesnakes post and rhubarb post is really worth reading too OP.

I loathe porn, it makes my skin crawl. I think it’s degrading, dehumanising of women and just repulsive, and that’s before you get into the fact that it’s an industry rife with rape, torture and abuse. Would I leave my DP if I found him wanking to porn? Probably. (Also, why the fuck he didn’t lock the door is a real and serious question and one i’d want a real and serious answer to. Girls who stumble across their father’s porn habits are often damaged for life.)

But yes despite all that your reaction is... not what most of us would have, I think, even those of us who really hate porn. Is your midwife any good? Can you ask her if you can talk to her? I’m not trying to invalidate your response, but I think it’s worth you talking to someone who’s focussed on your welfare.

You are entitled to hard boundaries as Sadie said. If this is one of yours i’d spell that out to your husband one last time, and make sure he knows you mean it.

Your red line is porn. He crossed it. Then he crossed it again. If you stay with him at this point its your own responsibility because he's an adult and doesn't need to obey another adults rules of how to live. If you don't like it, leave him.

Hard, but necessary if it makes you react to this degree.

Mrs Bibby, there has been porn since early man/woman learned how to make marks on a rock. Think of early fertility artefacts and the murals at Pompeii.

I daresay before that, people just watched each other round the fire.

He was out of order. I feel for you. Tell him your objections to what he has been watching (no need at all for you to see it). Maybe he genuinely thinks the actors are willing participants - not the trafficked abused and exploited vulnerable girls and women they probably are.

Take care of yourself.

Can you not read Mummsyy? I hope being so vile and nasty to a pregnant woman. Who’s already said take it easy makes you feel like such a powerful bully behind your keyboard.

Some people.