Husband & porn - please only comment if you can be helpful or supportive as I genuinely can’t cope

[Ifeeldreadful]

I’ve name changed for this, as I feel truly dreadful, and don’t want this situation associated with the ‘regular’ me.

This is very long, and please, if you can’t say anything helpful or supportive, then please don’t comment - I just can’t take it.

My child seemed quite unwell. I wanted to check the symptoms online, but realised I’d left my phone in the bathroom from when my DD had a bath earlier & I’d caught up on emails. I couldn’t find the laptop, and in my panic I just went and opened the bathroom door and caught my Husband sat on the toilet ‘enjoying’ porn on the laptop.

He very quickly tried to close the window down, but I’d seen about 1 second of it. It looked like ‘regular’ porn, but I’m just utterly disgraced, incensed in fact that he was ‘enjoying’ any porn. I looked at him with disgust, and just said ‘seriously,’ before walking out with my phone and slamming the door.

I didn’t know what to do, but ever since then, I’ve wished I’d taken the laptop off of him and watched what he was watching - I just can’t cope with the betrayal of him using porn full stop, but then also not being able to see what he was watching is absolutely destroying me.

I also hate the fact that I don’t know if he continued to use the video after I’d fled the room in a clearly angered state.

I was physically shaking and thought I was going to be sick. I went and cuddled my child and tried to continue normally, in the hope that I could speak with him whenever he next showed his face, but I couldn’t cope. I went to our child’s bedroom and cried uncontrollably and hyperventilated, and couldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to stop crying and quickly get my child and I ready to get out of the house, but I failed miserably. I didn’t want her to see me like that, nor the neighbours, so I only managed to put my coat on and wipe my mascara from my cheeks before he came into the room.

He told me how sorry he was, and put his arm around me. I shuddered and told him not to touch me. I couldn’t look at him, or even in his general direction. My shaking was terrible by that point, and I burst into uncontrollable tears again. Our child came running in and hugged me and asked what was wrong & went and got tissues for me. I tried my best to stop crying and get my shit together, as I don’t want her seeing her Mummy like that, and for the sake of my unborn child. Obviously I couldn’t discuss/address anything with our child there, and all I ended up saying to him is ‘how does he think I feel for watching it in the first place, but when I’m 39 weeks pregnant too, and when I’ve hardly had a spare moment to myself like usual and he has done as he pleases all morning.’

He kept apologising and saying he’d been stupid. He said he’d gone on YouTube to watch something and clicked on another video, and then he saw that one and started watching it. He started blaming the internet saying how easy it is to access porn.

I don’t believe him however, and I’m convinced that he uses it regularly. A few years ago before we had our child, I came home early and caught him then. I went ballistic and was distraught. He promised he’d never watch it again. I have never got over catching him that time, and now it’s happened again.

It may sound strange, but a huge problem for me is that I don’t know exactly what he was watching. From the seconds I saw, it all looked ‘normal,’ and with female adults, and I don’t doubt the content for a second. I just simply feel I have to see properly what these women look like, and what exactly they were doing. It’s the unknown that I can’t deal with. I’ve dwelled on it over and over since the first incident, and always wished I’d demanded that he show me the video.

I went and searched the laptop history earlier, and tried to access his YouTube account, but funnily enough the bastard doesn’t use a password for that that I know. We know each other’s passwords for everything else. I tried a few different passwords and gave up in severe frustration and a sea of tears. I wanted to cut all of his clothes up!

I was ‘forced’ into trying to act normally as our child was there, so I think he thinks I’m handling this better than I am, but I can’t get over it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him, and I’ve been crying for hours.

I can’t handle not seeing what he watched, and the feeling of being lied to, and the betrayal of it all (including using an unknown password). I was really hoping I could just sit and watch it without him knowing, but now I feel that the only chance of trying to move on is if I demand that he sends me a link to the video and I can watch it in private (no way could I watch it with him there). I just don’t feel I can continue with the relationship until I can watch the content and try to come to terms with it all. The thought of him being present at our child’s birth and seeing me so vulnerable is repulsing me.

Do you think I should demand that he sends me the video link?

I’m honestly thinking of taking our child and staying with my parents as I can’t cope. Obviously I don’t want to do this and uproot her, but also because I want to give birth st our local hospital and my parents live ages away.

Please advise and comfort me. Thank you in advance.

I do think that your husband is displaying totally normal sexual behaviours. You should try to deal with your issues and not shame him for doing something that many men and women the world over do. This could damage a future sexual relationship. I wouldn’t feel I wanted to be close to my husband if he had shamed me for masturbating. Everyone is entitled to their own private sexual expression (provinding what they do isn’t illegal of course). It’s slightly concerns me that you seem to be suggesting to yourself that there was something abnormal about it when you only saw a 1 second clip. Do you have any reason to believe this? If not it’s another mechanism you are using to catastrophize. It was most likely a pretty boring clip of some naked women, why do you feel you need to watch the video?

I agree with many posters...this is an extreme overreaction.

I do understand that porn is an absolute no for you, as it is for many women and understandably so, but your reaction sounds very extreme. The level of emotion this has drawn from you is quite out of proportion, even if porn use is an absolute no-compromise issue for your.

I think you need to put this to one side - tell your H that you need to discuss it in the near future, that it's not ok and you do not want it in your house (or whatever it is you want to say), and then focus on trying to find some calm ahead of your baby's birth. The level of your reaction seems very out of proportion to what actually happened (an angry "never in this house" reaction may have been completely reasonable, but not being able to stop crying sounds like something quite different) and may well have been so extreme because you are heavily pregnant, hormonal and about to give birth. Could you park this issue until you are settled with your new baby and then have a frank and open discussion with your husband about why this issue is such an important one for you and how you'll find a way forward?

Can you say what about it was so upsetting to you?

Do you think he shouldn't masturbate, or would prefer he pretended he didn't, or you think it's an unethical industry, or you feel unwanted or that you compare negatively, or that you think it's like being unfaithful... Your reaction is rather extreme, it might be helpful to understand why?

I think you could ask him to send you the link, if you think it would help. It probably won't, but in that obsessive upset state of mind I understand you might feel you simply have to.

I've been where you are op it's horrible I view porn as cheating so would be the same as you.

Your partner knows it upsets you but chose to do it anyway.

Hope you're feeling OK. I honestly think that you watching the video will do nothing but torture yourself. Just tell him to give you space. Collect your thoughts. Then deal with it when ready

Hyperventilating, crying to a point your child knew you were so upset and Wanting to leave him over this? Sorry but that is a total over reaction on your part. Neither can you “demand” he sends you the link, again a total over reaction.

Also think this is an over reaction. Don't ask for the link, that will be awful for him as I don't feel he's done anything wrong. Also if will only make things worse.

People who watch it, just watch it for fun. That's all. It doesn't mean anything to them. They aren't falling in love with the people they watch. It means nothing.

Porn is everywhere these days, you can't avoid it. Would you have reacted the same way if you caught him looking at another women in the street? Because it's sort of the same thing. Men look at women they find attractive (they all do it) - it doesn't mean he loves you any less.

Really try get a grip here op. You will be giving birth any day now and you are over reacting to something that's in reality nothing major.

You ask for no unsupportive comments but it's these comments that you need to read to hopefully make you see that it isn't something worth getting upset about - to the extent you have anyway.

You view porn as cheating?? good luck finding a lasting relationship then...

I say this with love but you are overreacting.
He's human we all masturbate at times and he was doing it in the bathroom not in the living room or kitchen. If porn is a deal breaker for you, you both need to sit down and discuss this CALMLY.
Could I ask were you pregnant last time you caught him watching it?
Please don't watch the link it won't help.

I also think this is a bizarre and unhealthy reaction.

In my opinion porn eventually desensitises men as some need more and more extreme versions to get the desired effect.
I hate porn, I think it dehumanises women.

Whoa, I think you've gone way over the top here.

Your reaction sounds extreme. But, if it's something that you feel so strongly about then I guess your husband will either have to agree never to do it again, or he will cover his tracks better next time!

I get that your hormones are all over the place right now but I must say, I don't think reacting in such a way in front of your child is appropriate.

The vast majority of men watch porn. Doesn't make them perverted or unfaithful.

I've also just read how upset you are over the fact you don't know his password. That is extremely unhealthy op. I feel like this poor bloke can't breathe if I'm honest. I know my dhs passcode for his phone - incase I need to use it in an emergency but that's all. I don't feel I need to know anything else. Don't have a clue about his fb passwords or email ones. What do I need to know that for? I trust him and he trusts me. Just because you are in a committed relationship doesn't mean that you can't have privacy. You don't need to know his password and have no right too. It's way too controlling.

I really think you need counselling op. This clearly does way deeper than abit of porn doesn't it? This is so so unhealthy and I'm sorry but I feel for your dh. I'd feel so suffocated if that were me. I sort of feel he needs to watch porn as like a stress reliever and I'm sorry if this upsets you or comes across as harsh but judging from this post....I don't really blame him. Maybe put this in reverse and look at things from his point? How must he be feeling right now at the way you have reacted?

Really!!!!!
Op came on here for support, she obviously is not getting any from you lot!!!
Thought this was supposed to be a support thread.
I feel for you so much, big hugs x

Your reaction is not normal. I think your husband was actually acting pretty sensibly. Clearly he was horny and you being 39 weeks pregnant, instead of trying it on with you he took matters into his own hands. Literally. You need serious help if you consider this to be as serious as you think it is.

Yep. Massive overreaction. Quite ridiculous to be honest. Yes it may have been a shock, yes porn isn't everyone's cup of tea , but come on

Just for balance.. plenty of women watch porn too.

Some VERY harsh comments on here which I would ignore OP ...it is pretty normal for many guys to watch porn now for a bit of wanking but of course it is better that we don't see it ! I think you are more liable to upset because you are 39 weeks pregnant as all sorts of emotions are going through your head right now . ( Reject pls the idea that this is patronising to say this ) . Try to relax a bit about this and just talk to him maybe - say I was a bit upset or whatever to find you wanking to porn . Don't ask to see the link . All this stuff is pretty much the same - full of acquiescing women pretending to have orgasms and saying "yes, yes, yes" . I would go with the idea that he is wanting a bit of quick relief and doesn't want to bother you right now . It is a quick wank , not an affair . I'm not trying to minimise it but you can't dictate to someone if they have a wank or not .

It's a shame so many posters are so uncritical about pornography.

I wouldn't want my partner to use it as it's part of the spectrum of VAW (recognised as such in law where I live).

Nothing to do with masturbation - that's normal and healthy.

I think you have had a very extreme reaction. to this but if your own line is no porn ever then that's fine and your own decision. If it's more because you don't like your husband watching it or jealousy related I would say try and think of it like this most people masturbate regularly it doesn't usually have anything to do with their partner you can't control people sexual thoughts, feelings ECT Have you every masturbated and fantasized about another person or a fantasy situation? if yes I'm sure you know it doesn't mean you don't love your husband or are not longer attracted to him. I think for your children and your sake you need to try and sort this out as it's not good for any of you. He did look at porn can you live with that ? If your own values mean that no it is totally unacceptable to you and you no longer wish to be with him then that is of course your decision and you must do what's right for you. If you don't feel that strongly about it and want to stay with your husband I think you need to try and accept this and look at why you had such a strong reaction.

OP. Please look after yourself. I agree that your hormones are probably a bit crazy right now but you need to concentrate on preparing for your baby.
Tell your DH you are not happy and he needs to give you some time to calm down. He knows of your views on porn so he should not of been so disrespectfull to do it whilst you and our child were there. He is a plonker.
Sort out your daughter then try and get some sleep for a few hours. Hopefully you can get beyond this.

It sounds like you’re maybe feeling like he’d be making comparisons between you and a woman on a screen (especially given that you want the link and mentioned wondering about what the women look like, if I remember correctly). I understand that, but also think that adding fuel to this by actually watching the video yourself isn’t going to make you feel any better.

The majority of men watch porn. If it’s constant, it’s affecting your sex life or the content is questionable, it’s a problem. If none of those things apply...you probably just need to have a chat about how this has made you feel. Can you identify why you feel this upset about it?

OP, I had to reply as I've had similar experiences. I walked in on my DH one morning when DC1 was 7mths old (he's now 12). I didn't react as you initially, in fact I pretended I was ok with it, but it ate me up all that day and I did admit to him that I wasn't ok with it. It made me feel inadequate, super aware of my body and it's imperfections. I did make my DH show me what he was looking at, it kind of helped. He promised he wouldn't do it again, but lo and behold, when our DC2 was only a few months old, and again when DC3 was a few weeks old, I had a niggling feeling and snooped on his laptop and found he'd been watching again and I went ballistic each time. What made it worse for me those times, was that he'd previously promised never to do it again, so the there was the added lie as well.

However, that was 8yrs ago, and I have since had a diagnosis of, and been treated successfully for PND, which I think I was unknowingly suffering with since DC1 was a baby, and I think it had a lot to do with how I felt about DH's porn viewing. Now I look back and realise that he wasn't doing anything wrong, it was me with the problem. I wrongly felt that he was watching these women, comparing them to me, wishing he had a wife like that, I basically felt like he had cheated, and that so wasn't the case. He was getting off watching act, it had nothing to do with the people doing it, and most importantly, nothing to do with me. Our sex life was near non-existant, the poor guy must have been frustrated as hell.

You're heavily pregnant, hormones racing, your body has changed, and I think that may be making your reaction more extreme. If you think it will help, ask him to show you what he was watching, but be prepared to not like what you see, even if it is just plain old porn. The last time I discovered my DH had been watching it, he actually sat with me and showed me. It wasn't easy as he was embarrassed, and I was scared about what I may see. It was just bog standard stuff, and he explained that he watched stuff that reminded him of what we do, what I do to him, and it did actually help.

Not sure if sharing my experience has helped, but I think you need to talk to him about why it upsets you, and maybe he can help to put your mind at ease.

You already know that you are overreacting so try to calm down and not make rash decisions.

If you don’t like or tolerate porn then your DH is so disrespectful sitting watching on the loo when you’re in another room. What if your DD walked in, the door wasn’t locked.

I can understand you wanting to know what type of porn he was watching, although I don’t think it would make much difference to how you feel. I understand that him having a separate password signals that he is hiding something in the context of you sharing all other passwords.

I also find the normalisation of porn a bit it is not something that every woman has to accept, yet women mock other women who object. Sexual exploitation is not limited to the women being filmed.

However this is an extreme reaction even if you’d actually caught him shagging someone the reaction you describe needs closer scrutiny as to what the real problem is.