Husband & porn - please only comment if you can be helpful or supportive as I genuinely can’t cope

[Ifeeldreadful]

I’ve name changed for this, as I feel truly dreadful, and don’t want this situation associated with the ‘regular’ me.

This is very long, and please, if you can’t say anything helpful or supportive, then please don’t comment - I just can’t take it.

My child seemed quite unwell. I wanted to check the symptoms online, but realised I’d left my phone in the bathroom from when my DD had a bath earlier & I’d caught up on emails. I couldn’t find the laptop, and in my panic I just went and opened the bathroom door and caught my Husband sat on the toilet ‘enjoying’ porn on the laptop.

He very quickly tried to close the window down, but I’d seen about 1 second of it. It looked like ‘regular’ porn, but I’m just utterly disgraced, incensed in fact that he was ‘enjoying’ any porn. I looked at him with disgust, and just said ‘seriously,’ before walking out with my phone and slamming the door.

I didn’t know what to do, but ever since then, I’ve wished I’d taken the laptop off of him and watched what he was watching - I just can’t cope with the betrayal of him using porn full stop, but then also not being able to see what he was watching is absolutely destroying me.

I also hate the fact that I don’t know if he continued to use the video after I’d fled the room in a clearly angered state.

I was physically shaking and thought I was going to be sick. I went and cuddled my child and tried to continue normally, in the hope that I could speak with him whenever he next showed his face, but I couldn’t cope. I went to our child’s bedroom and cried uncontrollably and hyperventilated, and couldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to stop crying and quickly get my child and I ready to get out of the house, but I failed miserably. I didn’t want her to see me like that, nor the neighbours, so I only managed to put my coat on and wipe my mascara from my cheeks before he came into the room.

He told me how sorry he was, and put his arm around me. I shuddered and told him not to touch me. I couldn’t look at him, or even in his general direction. My shaking was terrible by that point, and I burst into uncontrollable tears again. Our child came running in and hugged me and asked what was wrong & went and got tissues for me. I tried my best to stop crying and get my shit together, as I don’t want her seeing her Mummy like that, and for the sake of my unborn child. Obviously I couldn’t discuss/address anything with our child there, and all I ended up saying to him is ‘how does he think I feel for watching it in the first place, but when I’m 39 weeks pregnant too, and when I’ve hardly had a spare moment to myself like usual and he has done as he pleases all morning.’

He kept apologising and saying he’d been stupid. He said he’d gone on YouTube to watch something and clicked on another video, and then he saw that one and started watching it. He started blaming the internet saying how easy it is to access porn.

I don’t believe him however, and I’m convinced that he uses it regularly. A few years ago before we had our child, I came home early and caught him then. I went ballistic and was distraught. He promised he’d never watch it again. I have never got over catching him that time, and now it’s happened again.

It may sound strange, but a huge problem for me is that I don’t know exactly what he was watching. From the seconds I saw, it all looked ‘normal,’ and with female adults, and I don’t doubt the content for a second. I just simply feel I have to see properly what these women look like, and what exactly they were doing. It’s the unknown that I can’t deal with. I’ve dwelled on it over and over since the first incident, and always wished I’d demanded that he show me the video.

I went and searched the laptop history earlier, and tried to access his YouTube account, but funnily enough the bastard doesn’t use a password for that that I know. We know each other’s passwords for everything else. I tried a few different passwords and gave up in severe frustration and a sea of tears. I wanted to cut all of his clothes up!

I was ‘forced’ into trying to act normally as our child was there, so I think he thinks I’m handling this better than I am, but I can’t get over it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him, and I’ve been crying for hours.

I can’t handle not seeing what he watched, and the feeling of being lied to, and the betrayal of it all (including using an unknown password). I was really hoping I could just sit and watch it without him knowing, but now I feel that the only chance of trying to move on is if I demand that he sends me a link to the video and I can watch it in private (no way could I watch it with him there). I just don’t feel I can continue with the relationship until I can watch the content and try to come to terms with it all. The thought of him being present at our child’s birth and seeing me so vulnerable is repulsing me.

Do you think I should demand that he sends me the video link?

I’m honestly thinking of taking our child and staying with my parents as I can’t cope. Obviously I don’t want to do this and uproot her, but also because I want to give birth st our local hospital and my parents live ages away.

Please advise and comfort me. Thank you in advance.

I honestly think OP forced a promise from her DH

Or he could have just stood his ground, been honest and she could have ended the relationship.

Why do some people think it's more reasonable that he lied than that she was able to make an informed choice regarding continuing the relationship or not?

Is it something the OP has a right to know about and extract a promise about? Does the OP have a right to know every intimate action of her DH?

PJS
And if she always reacts like this it will lead to a manwith no ballslying to her.

Please quote completely to get context.

no one said it was reasonable that he lied. They said they understood why he did. based on her reaction.

no one said it was reasonable that he lied. They said they understood why he did. based on her reaction

My point remains.

Why is it understandable?

Why would he not just be honest with her and allow them to go their separate ways?

I wouldn't want tomeone to pretwnd to be the sort of man I want to be with, I want them to be themselves.

Then I can make an informed choice, weigh up the pros and cons, regarding whether I want to be with them or not.

What is the point in lying and pretending?

Well talk to them like an adult and stop with the emotional bs that crap serves only one purpose. to manipulate someone to do what you want. This is based on the Op' s description of how she has dealt with this situation.

Nothing she says sounds rational in how she has behaved. Most people have difficulty dealing with irrational behaviour not just men and not just this man. I still think he has no balls, but I also think using emotional blackmail to get what you want is not really getting what you want.

Not sure why you'd have difficulty with people being able to understand that.

Ah yes, of course. A woman getting upset about something is by definition irrational, and a woman indicating behaviour she finds unacceptable if necessarily indulging in emotional blackmail.
One of you terribly clever people really needs to write the manual of when, how and why women are allowed to complain about stuff and be taken seriously. Cos the simple minded types like me just aren’t getting it right, clearly.

Ps I think it will be a short manual. One word in fact. “Never.”

I was physically shaking and thought I was going to be sick
I couldn’t cope
...gave up in severe frustration and a sea of tears
I’ve been crying for hours
Our child came running in and hugged me and asked what was wrong & went and got tissues for me. I tried my best to stop crying and get my shit together,

This is all rational behaviour?
So no a woman getting upset about something is not by definition irrational (condescending much) And no a woman indicating behaviour she finds unacceptable is not using emotional blackmail.

However, extracting promises from someone whilst being, for lack of a better word, 'emotional' is. All the above, when her DH let her down was not good in my opinion, to have no control in front of her child, yes irrational. So congrats for making it a feminist issue. But imho it is not. So GTFOH with that one please.

So shaking is out
Appearing at all emotional about anything while making requests is out
Keep the hints coming - nearly your first chapter done already!

ps You must be a lovely person to be in a relationship with - assuming you of course apply the same rigorous standards of emotional continence to your partner as you do to other women. But somehow I suspect you may not.

Steady on mantis
I know it’s friday but still a bit early for this level of flagrant drunkenness I feel

I’m not sure that’s totally true. I’m not exactly pro porn but the point is more that masturbation is a private matter. The unfortunate thing in this story is that he was discovered. I have no idea whether my dh watches porn or not, I’ve never asked and I don’t intend to. I’d probably assume he doesn’t get his kicks from watching violent videos of women in pain because he’s a loving and attentive sexual partner. But if I walked in on a similar scenario I’d probably be embarrassed, apologise and respect his privacy. Not demand a run down of exactly what he wanks over. There ARE some issues caused by porn use no doubt, but somehow I doubt that a man who has started out as a great caring sexual partner in a relationship (I wouldn’t chose to remain in a relationship otherwise) will gradually become a strangler/want to enact rape scenes/choose porn over sex from occasional porn use. That said of course I’d worry about young boys growing up with violet porn as their ‘normal’.

Except that the OP had already stated VERY CLEARLY that porn is a deal breaker for her. And her DH chose to break her trust after swearing he would nit watch it again.
This was BEFORE they had kids too.
So the issue isn’t one about privacy or whatnot.
It’s about RESPECT for your partner. Respect of their own boundaries. If watching porn was so important for him, he should have said that before they had children together. That’s when he shouod voiced his issues and they could BOTH have decided what to do then. The Oouod have been free to leave if she wanted.
Instead she now has one child an dis heavily pregnant and is in a situation where she has to evaluate her relationship. due to his betrayal. Betrayal of his word. And betrayal of her boundaries.

Whether whatever poster, incl myself, think about porn doesn’t matter. What matters is the fact it matters to the OP and it’s a deal breaker for her, which she has stated clearly to him.
Nd her deal breaker should have been respected.

cupcake, I asked one question in my last post, you didn't answer.

There is a type of person on MN who say women do no wrong and men are beasts. I stay away from those types because I don't agree.

It’s a feminist issue because some posters seem to think that they can tell a woman what to do think about porn, in this case that it’s actually OK and that she is over the top.
It’s a feminist issue because people have been using misogynistic words such as ‘delicate’ and ‘wallflower’ ‘irrational’ etc..
None of those words would ever be used to describe a man reacting in that way. People would say they’ve had a breakdown and need support....

Vivikonda
A man behaving in the same manner would get words like delicate, sensitive and irrational. I've heard them used and used them myself. Irrational is irrational in any sex.

Not sure why anyone would use wallflower unless someone was shy and once again unisex.

So I disagree when bringing misogyny into 'sexist language'. Also, as aside, it's not sexist if it's true.

Agree with the porn but that's not the issue I was referring to. I stay well away from that one.

I can understand that it is difficult to see your husband watching porn, especially when you're 39 week pregnant and have a lot of other stuff to worry about.
However I guess you shouldn't be too hard on him. In my opinion you should talk to him about it. Tell him why it makes you feel so bad so that he can better understand your situation! I think generally it's not uncommon for a man to watch porn. Maybe once the two of you have talked about it, you can laugh about it!

This isn’t about feminism; it’s about an extremely insecure woman behaving irrationally because she obviously genuinely believes that her husband has cheated on her with a video he found on youtube.

Actually, she 'forgave' him the first time (I use ' ' because, although I disagree entirely with porn and would not stand for it in a relationship I was having, it's not illegal and not something I think someone would need to apologise/be forgiven for) and continued the relationship on the understanding he wouldn't do it again.

The issue for her is the betrayal that, when he promised her he wouldn't use it again, he lied. He made a promise that he had no intention of keeping and took away any agency she had in her relationship.

I know I've been out with men who were heavy porn users. I know because the sex was shit and they largely had erection/performance issues. A porn user does not a good lover make! But I put up with it because it wasn't a serious relationship so it didn't really matter.

It's something I would expect someone to be honest about. I wouldn't give anyone a hard time about it - it would just mean we weren't compatible - but I would be angry if they made me an assurance/promise, on any matter, without meaning it.

I suspect that that is as much to do with her reaction as the porn itself. She thought she was in one kind of relationship with one kind of man, and discovered that she was in another relationship with another kind of man - most notably, one who couldn't be trusted and didn't respect her.

I think most people would react to that.

This isn’t about feminism; it’s about an extremely insecure woman behaving irrationally because she obviously genuinely believes that her husband has cheated on her with a video he found on youtube.

Women who don't like their husbands to watch prostitutes have sex are insecure and irrational? Bollocks to that.

Porn use is a huge turn off for many people. Thinking of your partner wanking whilst watching prostitutes have sex is disgusting to quite a few people.
OP can decide her own boundaries for herself.
She can decide that porn does not have a place in her marriage without being insecure or irrational.
She can decide that her husband repeatedly lying to her about his porn use is unacceptable. Lies - what ever they are about - are a sure way to trash a marriage.

He made a promise that he had no intention of keeping

How on earth do you know that? It's just as likely that he thought he could keep his promise and then found it more difficult than he imagined. So what does he do then? Confess? I agree with pp that Op does not sound the sort of person you could have a rational discussion with on this subject or the need for private space in a relationship.

Is there anyone out here who’s partner has changed form a great lover to a shit one through porn use if your relationship was otherwise happy? Genuinely interested because I just can’t imagine it happening. But maybe I’m lucky. I can however see that heavy porn use form a young age could make someone into a bad RL lover to start with, in which case if a woman accepts a bad lover as a partner despite good sex being important to her she kinda knows the deal from the start doesn’t she? Do people just assume they can change these people with therapy? In an otherwise healthy relationship masturbation is still private so what turns your partner on when alone has literally zero effect on you, even if it’s unsavoury to you, so it’s unreasonable to police it. (Unless of course you have reason to believe it’s illegal).

The ethical debate whilst valid is a little hypocritical because virtually everyone in western countries does things they enjoy every day that have highly unethical consequences, we just don’t think about them.