Husband & porn - please only comment if you can be helpful or supportive as I genuinely can’t cope

[Ifeeldreadful]

I’ve name changed for this, as I feel truly dreadful, and don’t want this situation associated with the ‘regular’ me.

This is very long, and please, if you can’t say anything helpful or supportive, then please don’t comment - I just can’t take it.

My child seemed quite unwell. I wanted to check the symptoms online, but realised I’d left my phone in the bathroom from when my DD had a bath earlier & I’d caught up on emails. I couldn’t find the laptop, and in my panic I just went and opened the bathroom door and caught my Husband sat on the toilet ‘enjoying’ porn on the laptop.

He very quickly tried to close the window down, but I’d seen about 1 second of it. It looked like ‘regular’ porn, but I’m just utterly disgraced, incensed in fact that he was ‘enjoying’ any porn. I looked at him with disgust, and just said ‘seriously,’ before walking out with my phone and slamming the door.

I didn’t know what to do, but ever since then, I’ve wished I’d taken the laptop off of him and watched what he was watching - I just can’t cope with the betrayal of him using porn full stop, but then also not being able to see what he was watching is absolutely destroying me.

I also hate the fact that I don’t know if he continued to use the video after I’d fled the room in a clearly angered state.

I was physically shaking and thought I was going to be sick. I went and cuddled my child and tried to continue normally, in the hope that I could speak with him whenever he next showed his face, but I couldn’t cope. I went to our child’s bedroom and cried uncontrollably and hyperventilated, and couldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to stop crying and quickly get my child and I ready to get out of the house, but I failed miserably. I didn’t want her to see me like that, nor the neighbours, so I only managed to put my coat on and wipe my mascara from my cheeks before he came into the room.

He told me how sorry he was, and put his arm around me. I shuddered and told him not to touch me. I couldn’t look at him, or even in his general direction. My shaking was terrible by that point, and I burst into uncontrollable tears again. Our child came running in and hugged me and asked what was wrong & went and got tissues for me. I tried my best to stop crying and get my shit together, as I don’t want her seeing her Mummy like that, and for the sake of my unborn child. Obviously I couldn’t discuss/address anything with our child there, and all I ended up saying to him is ‘how does he think I feel for watching it in the first place, but when I’m 39 weeks pregnant too, and when I’ve hardly had a spare moment to myself like usual and he has done as he pleases all morning.’

He kept apologising and saying he’d been stupid. He said he’d gone on YouTube to watch something and clicked on another video, and then he saw that one and started watching it. He started blaming the internet saying how easy it is to access porn.

I don’t believe him however, and I’m convinced that he uses it regularly. A few years ago before we had our child, I came home early and caught him then. I went ballistic and was distraught. He promised he’d never watch it again. I have never got over catching him that time, and now it’s happened again.

It may sound strange, but a huge problem for me is that I don’t know exactly what he was watching. From the seconds I saw, it all looked ‘normal,’ and with female adults, and I don’t doubt the content for a second. I just simply feel I have to see properly what these women look like, and what exactly they were doing. It’s the unknown that I can’t deal with. I’ve dwelled on it over and over since the first incident, and always wished I’d demanded that he show me the video.

I went and searched the laptop history earlier, and tried to access his YouTube account, but funnily enough the bastard doesn’t use a password for that that I know. We know each other’s passwords for everything else. I tried a few different passwords and gave up in severe frustration and a sea of tears. I wanted to cut all of his clothes up!

I was ‘forced’ into trying to act normally as our child was there, so I think he thinks I’m handling this better than I am, but I can’t get over it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him, and I’ve been crying for hours.

I can’t handle not seeing what he watched, and the feeling of being lied to, and the betrayal of it all (including using an unknown password). I was really hoping I could just sit and watch it without him knowing, but now I feel that the only chance of trying to move on is if I demand that he sends me a link to the video and I can watch it in private (no way could I watch it with him there). I just don’t feel I can continue with the relationship until I can watch the content and try to come to terms with it all. The thought of him being present at our child’s birth and seeing me so vulnerable is repulsing me.

Do you think I should demand that he sends me the video link?

I’m honestly thinking of taking our child and staying with my parents as I can’t cope. Obviously I don’t want to do this and uproot her, but also because I want to give birth st our local hospital and my parents live ages away.

Please advise and comfort me. Thank you in advance.

You are massively overreacting. I hope you've never read 50 shades of grey, for example, with this attitude.

I just hate posts where it all focuses on one side. No one is thinking about him....maybe he's having a bad time and needed to let off abit of steam? Maybe (and op hasn't said....and yes I know she doesn't have too) but their sex life has slowed down recently. Totally understandable as she's pregnant but he's still going to have the urges isn't he? That's not his fault, he can't help it.

Maybe he's been incredibly stressed lately, no one knows what's been going on in his life, what his relationship with op is like.... i just think give the poor guy a break.

I also agree that op shouldn't of just walked in the bathroom. From the way she's described it in her posts (and in no way am I being horrible here) but she doesn't seem to like him having any privacy (knowing all his passwords then wanting to cut his clothes up for not knowing a YouTube one - there isn't any porn on YouTube by the way). I'd never just walk in the bathroom if I knew dh or anyone else was in there. That was a private space for him and that's fine. And for me when I'm in there. I'd be fuming if dh walked in on me without knocking. Again...privacy.

I get the being upset about it part but....I really feel op has over reacted massively. I don't think you can come on here and say 'no negative comments' and the. Be sad she still gets them. You post on here, be prepared for backlash. Especially for stuff like this where everyone has different opinions. If he were having an affair then it would be total support for her. She just sounds very controlling to me.

He needs porn to de stress? No-one, op included, has said he needs to stop wanking. I'm pretty sure that's possible without the aid of porn, even if you are a visually focused person.

Irrespective of everyone else's personal opinions, the fact is op has already had the conversation about being anti porn last time she caught him watching. He said he wouldn't watch again, yet clearly hasn't been honest. That's the most damaging part. I'd be hurt about that too.

It also doesn't matter that op walked into the bathroom without knocking, despite what some ppl say. Either she didn't know he was in there (this is how it reads, and he should have locked it if he didn't want to be disturbed), or that's what is OK in their house. So many judgemental ppl on here, basing it on their own personal opinions.

It sounds rather controlling to only want ‘supportive ‘ comments that agree with you.
What a person does with his or her body alone is entirely their choice and to barge into a persons private space when they are performing a private act is also extremely controlling. ( do think he should have locked the door though wonder whether this too may be discouraged in your home. )
Your reaction and behaviour is concerning particularly involving your small child.
I think this is all about control

Totally @namechange2222, I agree.

And no one has ever mentioned locking the door.....op doesn't in her thread. Maybe there is no lock. She should of knocked. End of

I'd be a bit miffed at what he did but I don't think it warrants the reaction you gave

Namechange2222 you seem to be missing a few facts.

• At 39 weeks, OP needed emotional support and not a debate. It is fair enough for her to ask for that. People do it on threads all over MN all the time without being called controlling.

• What someone does with their body, alone and in private has nothing to do with this thread for two reasons. 1/ OP's partner wasn't in private - he hadn't locked the door. It could have been a child who walked in. 2/ Pornographic film footage doesn't just affect the body of the person watching it. Real people are in it, and there is no way of knowing if they are consenting or not, hence many people objecting to it on ethical grounds.

Whilst OP's partner can watch it if he wants to, OP can choose not to be in a relationship with someone who has such different ethics to her if she wants to. But 39 weeks pregnant is probably not the time to make that call, because she's under such massive physical strain from the impending birth. Hence her just wanting support for now.

I couldn’t find the laptop, and in my panic I just went and opened the bathroom door and caught my Husband sat on the toilet

Yeah, cause this makes it sound like she knew he was in there and deliberately barged in...soo controlling!

OP I don’t think you overreacted. I would have felt the same. I do not think porn consumption needs to be automatically accepted by everyone in society as normal and standard, except of course if mutually agreed. It is something you discuss and negotiate in a relationship. I am sorry that this has happened and that you are upset.

But please stay calm and focus on yourself and the birth. This issue can be dealt with later, it simply has to wait. It will be easier to express your anger when you have cooled down. Easier said than done I knowand I am sorry. Your main priority is your health right now, mental and physical and I would expect the whole family to focus on you and destress. Please breathe deeply and focus on calm and peace and on your baby to come. All that matters right right now is the birth and the happiness of your baby.

I am not a ”cool wife” either so will remain unfazed by any critique of this post from the women who are more laissez-faire.

Somerville I’m not missing any facts. This is hysterical and controlling behaviour. The OPs husband was doing something she didn’t want him to do and her reaction was hysterical and in front of a child.
Just imagine if a man had written exactly the same scenario ( obviously without the 39weekz pregnant)
I needed the laptop and I barged into the bathroom where my wife was sitting watching porn. I sobbed uncontrollably in front of my young child as she knows I don’t want her to watch porn. But my biggest problem is I want to know exactly what it was she was watching.....I don’t want anyone to disagree with me in responses and I only want to hear from people who can ‘support me’
What do you think the responses would likely to be?

You sound controlling.

No she doesn't.

It is not controlling to know your boundaries and then be really upset when someone crosses them, especially when he knew her opinions on it and promised her he wouldn't watch it again.

It doesn't matter where anyone personally stands on porn though. The OP doesn't like it and he knew it, he also promised her he wouldn't watch it again. I would have a lot more respect for men who own up and admit they aren't prepared to give it up, so the woman can make an informed choice about whether she is prepared to be in a relationship with him.

Wanking does not have to involve porn. It is possible to do it without porn. Many people manage it.

OP you now need to work out if porn is enough of an issue for you to end your marriage over. This is the second time you have caught him with it, it is of course likely that he isn't going to stop doing it.

I agree with the above poster about how these decisions can wait for now. You are about to have a baby and I too wouldn't be making any decisions yet.

namechange I would say exactly the same thing if a man was posting.

As for the bathroom thing, it's a non-issue really. She went into the bathroom to find her phone. She didn't go in with the intentions of finding her husband watching porn. That didn't cross her mind.

Should she have knocked? Maybe. But every house works differently. If I don't think anyone is in the bathroom I don't always knock. That isn't being controlling.

It doesn't matter if she knocked or not though. Her husband was still watching porn and she is entitled to not want to be married to someone who is into it and lied about not watching it.

Modern porn has as much to do with sex as being punched repeatedly in the face is like a kiss. It’s ruining people’s lives and relationships. It’s normalising extreme sexual violence against women. 90% of Y6 boys in this country have seen online porn ffs. If you like it that much I hope you campaign for and pay for safe, consensual porn that children can’t access. More like you’ll watch any old shit on Pornhub and tell yourself it’s fine because as a pp said - rape and human trafficking are illegal so can’t possibly be happening whilst you wank away. Naive and selfish.

This for those who don't think sex is dangerous and damaging. Porn, for the most part, objectifies women.

Insocial philosophy,objectificationis the act of treating a person as an object or thing. Objectification plays a central role in feminist theory, especiallysexual objectification.[138]Feminist writer and gender equality activist Joy Goh-Mah argues that by being objectified, a person is denied agency.[139]According to the philosopherMartha Nussbaum, a person might be objectified if one or more of the following properties are applied to them:[140]

Instrumentality– treating the object as atoolfor another's purposes: "The objectifier treats the object as a tool of his or her purposes."Denial ofAutonomy– treating the object as lacking in autonomy orself-determination: "The objectifier treats the object as lacking in autonomy and self-determination."Inertness– treating the object as lacking inagencyoractivity: "The objectifier treats the object as lacking in agency, and perhaps also in activity."Fungibility– treating the object as interchangeable with other objects: "The objectifier treats the object as interchangeable (a) with other objects of the same type, and/or (b) with objects of other types."Violability– treating the object as lacking in boundary integrity and violable: "The objectifier treats the object as lacking in boundary integrity, as something that it is permissible to break up, smash, break into."Ownership– treating the object as if it can be owned, bought, or sold: "The objectifier treats the object as something that is owned by another, can be bought or sold, etc."Denial ofSubjectivity– treating the object as if there is no need for concern for its experiences or feelings: "The objectifier treats the object as something whose experience and feelings (if any) need not be taken into account."

Rae Helen Langton, inSexual Solipsism: Philosophical Essays on Pornography and Objectification, proposed three more properties to be added to Nussbaum's list:[138][141]

Reduction to Body– the treatment of a person as identified with their body, or body parts;Reduction to Appearance– the treatment of a person primarily in terms of how they look, or how they appear to the senses;Silencing– the treatment of a person as if they are silent, lacking the capacity to speak.

According to objectification theory, objectification can have important repercussions on women, particularly young women, as it can negatively impact their psychological health and lead to the development of mental disorders, such asunipolar depression,sexual dysfunction, andeating disorders.[142]

I mean those who don't think porn is damaging. Sex isn't dangerous

My gran once said ‘give blokes a long piece of string and they end up hanging themselves, especially in long marriages’ so all these who talk about controlling etc, I expect a few of you to be on here in the future moaning about sexting or escorts etc . Most marriages have boundaries of some kind in both sides and this is the OPs boundaries, he should accept that or tell her he can’t live without porn and let her then make her choices

You haven't replied to anyones questions OP..

She can make her own choice now yetmorecrap cant she? Most people will make the choice though to stick it out and commit to martyrdom rather than a/ turn away from something that makes them unhappy or b/ love and accept someone unconditionally, with all their perceived faults and shortcomings. Very few people (me included) are truly capable of the latter, though we all expect it.

I hate porn and wouldn't be with anyone who watched it
I also hate drugs and wouldn't be with anyone who took them
Both can ruin lives
If I'd walked into a bathroom and saw my partner doing either I'd call him out on it and act accordingly as an adult.
The Op has asked for only 'supportive' responses to her post where she describes shaking and sobbing uncontrollably in view of her child.
The OP says if I demand that he sends me a link to the video and I can watch it in private (no way could I watch it with him there). I just don’t feel I can continue with the relationship until I can watch the content Wtaf? Just why?
If she had walked into the bathroom and he was smoking crack would she have demanded to know everything about the dealer, how he smoked it etc?
I still say OP's behaviour is controlling. Her husband has made a choice, that is his right. The OP needs to tell him what the consequences for her are of that choice. We do not have a right to change someones behaviour, we can only control our own

OP I haven't RTFT but skimmed and see manyh people who think yu are over reacting.

I DONT think you are over reacting, taking into account you will be feeling esepcially vulnerable due to the pregnancy, pornography is problematic for many reasons.

However I think expecting to know all your partner's passwords is a bit odd, I wouldnever expect that.
And I think actually seeing what he was watching might just upset you more. If you have up till now believed he was honest and trustworthy just ask him what he was watching.

If I was the op I wouldn't respond either. She's asked for support during a situation she's finding hard to cope with and all she's got is people telling her to 'calm the fuck down' and how she should be ok with her husband wanking to porn in the bathroom with the door unlocked because other posters would be and being told she needs therapy! Are you shocked she's not come back?

I can tell you're really upset here but I think you should take solace in the fact that so many people don't really see what your husband has done wrong.

I'm a female and I sometimes watch porn. It's not a new thing for people to look at something to stimulate them and masturbation is healthy. Men have used porn equivalents for many hundreds of years.

Please calm down.

I understand some people do not like it and want to restrict it. However, I do believe you need to open your mind a little. Talk it through with him. Do not shame him for using a very normalised medium to express himself. It is very unfair for you to be treating him the way you are. He is not disgusting.
You believe porn is disgusting. Yet society has encouraged men from a young age to use it. So just think for a minute that this a difference in beliefs not any issue within your marriage or morality.

Hi OP
I hope your feeling a little better .
Your 39 weeks pregnant and this sounds like a horrid shock for you .
Take comfort in the fact that as horrible as it is to find out that way it is normal, available and an entirely normal thing for a man to do sometimes . It's just fantasy and not personal . He has a relationship with you and you alone .
.... it's just a quick fix nothing else .

I would suggest you and him have a night out together before baby comes along . Have dinner together and tell him you want to discuss it properly .
If he knows how much it upsets you he'll respect your wish not to use it .
I went through similar but years ago .
This time I asked my now DP If he used porn and he said does sometimes .
I let him know that it wasn't something I was particularly comfortable with so please don't let me catch him !
Hope everything goes really well for your imminent arrival . X x x x

It's totally fine to be strongly anti-porn, and for it to be a deal-breaker in your relationship. But however anti-porn you are, your extremely physical emotional response was not normal and would seem to indicate that you need to seek some help.

I haven’t logged in for a while but I saw this post and had to reply. I too would be extremely upset if I caught my other half watching porn. I have zero tolerance to strip clubs and porn and would not want to be with someone who thinks that either is ok. I agree with yetmorecrap...this kind of behaviour is just the start. I think it says something about the respect that someone has for women if they think it’s ok to see women abused in porn or that it’s ok to pay women to strip for them in strip clubs.

I am so sorry that you have experienced this, OP. I didn’t spot that you were heavily pregnant in the original post. You must be feeling very vulnerable and emotional at the moment. My advice would be that to decide that your boundaries are and to discuss them with your partner. If you decide that you can’t tolerate pornography - which is absolutely fine and this is where my boundaries are - and he can agree not to watch it and can recognise why it is harmful that that’s progress. If he can’t or won’t stop watching it, then you may need to rethink your relationship (which I know must be hard with one child and another on the way). I don’t blame you at all for feeling vulnerable and upset and disappointed by his behaviour. Please don’t feel pressured by other posters to accept that all men watch porn and that it’s ok. Yes, a lot of men do but some men don’t and you don’t have to accept it.

I expect I will be jumped on by other posters but that’s fine. I have done a lot of research into porn and strip clubs over the years after a similar experience and I think both are extremely harmful to women. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who has so little respect for women that they think watching porn or visiting strip clubs is ok.