Husband & porn - please only comment if you can be helpful or supportive as I genuinely can’t cope

[Ifeeldreadful]

I’ve name changed for this, as I feel truly dreadful, and don’t want this situation associated with the ‘regular’ me.

This is very long, and please, if you can’t say anything helpful or supportive, then please don’t comment - I just can’t take it.

My child seemed quite unwell. I wanted to check the symptoms online, but realised I’d left my phone in the bathroom from when my DD had a bath earlier & I’d caught up on emails. I couldn’t find the laptop, and in my panic I just went and opened the bathroom door and caught my Husband sat on the toilet ‘enjoying’ porn on the laptop.

He very quickly tried to close the window down, but I’d seen about 1 second of it. It looked like ‘regular’ porn, but I’m just utterly disgraced, incensed in fact that he was ‘enjoying’ any porn. I looked at him with disgust, and just said ‘seriously,’ before walking out with my phone and slamming the door.

I didn’t know what to do, but ever since then, I’ve wished I’d taken the laptop off of him and watched what he was watching - I just can’t cope with the betrayal of him using porn full stop, but then also not being able to see what he was watching is absolutely destroying me.

I also hate the fact that I don’t know if he continued to use the video after I’d fled the room in a clearly angered state.

I was physically shaking and thought I was going to be sick. I went and cuddled my child and tried to continue normally, in the hope that I could speak with him whenever he next showed his face, but I couldn’t cope. I went to our child’s bedroom and cried uncontrollably and hyperventilated, and couldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to stop crying and quickly get my child and I ready to get out of the house, but I failed miserably. I didn’t want her to see me like that, nor the neighbours, so I only managed to put my coat on and wipe my mascara from my cheeks before he came into the room.

He told me how sorry he was, and put his arm around me. I shuddered and told him not to touch me. I couldn’t look at him, or even in his general direction. My shaking was terrible by that point, and I burst into uncontrollable tears again. Our child came running in and hugged me and asked what was wrong & went and got tissues for me. I tried my best to stop crying and get my shit together, as I don’t want her seeing her Mummy like that, and for the sake of my unborn child. Obviously I couldn’t discuss/address anything with our child there, and all I ended up saying to him is ‘how does he think I feel for watching it in the first place, but when I’m 39 weeks pregnant too, and when I’ve hardly had a spare moment to myself like usual and he has done as he pleases all morning.’

He kept apologising and saying he’d been stupid. He said he’d gone on YouTube to watch something and clicked on another video, and then he saw that one and started watching it. He started blaming the internet saying how easy it is to access porn.

I don’t believe him however, and I’m convinced that he uses it regularly. A few years ago before we had our child, I came home early and caught him then. I went ballistic and was distraught. He promised he’d never watch it again. I have never got over catching him that time, and now it’s happened again.

It may sound strange, but a huge problem for me is that I don’t know exactly what he was watching. From the seconds I saw, it all looked ‘normal,’ and with female adults, and I don’t doubt the content for a second. I just simply feel I have to see properly what these women look like, and what exactly they were doing. It’s the unknown that I can’t deal with. I’ve dwelled on it over and over since the first incident, and always wished I’d demanded that he show me the video.

I went and searched the laptop history earlier, and tried to access his YouTube account, but funnily enough the bastard doesn’t use a password for that that I know. We know each other’s passwords for everything else. I tried a few different passwords and gave up in severe frustration and a sea of tears. I wanted to cut all of his clothes up!

I was ‘forced’ into trying to act normally as our child was there, so I think he thinks I’m handling this better than I am, but I can’t get over it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him, and I’ve been crying for hours.

I can’t handle not seeing what he watched, and the feeling of being lied to, and the betrayal of it all (including using an unknown password). I was really hoping I could just sit and watch it without him knowing, but now I feel that the only chance of trying to move on is if I demand that he sends me a link to the video and I can watch it in private (no way could I watch it with him there). I just don’t feel I can continue with the relationship until I can watch the content and try to come to terms with it all. The thought of him being present at our child’s birth and seeing me so vulnerable is repulsing me.

Do you think I should demand that he sends me the video link?

I’m honestly thinking of taking our child and staying with my parents as I can’t cope. Obviously I don’t want to do this and uproot her, but also because I want to give birth st our local hospital and my parents live ages away.

Please advise and comfort me. Thank you in advance.

It's a bit grim he's doing it in the house when you and dc are there. But your are majorly over reacting. And it's something not worth splitting up about. Chat to him about it but calm down.

Also, he wasn't watching porn on YouTube, so useless you looking there OP. It'll be Pornhub, xvideo, Reddit, etc, those type of sites.
Don't listen to all the cool gf's advocating porn, they are mostly in their 20s, 30s and haven't actually had relationships with men who've become addicted to porn and ended up with p.i.e.d.. a real dysfunction, caused by porn. Or death grip, or the number of other problems porn consumption causes. Porn desensitizes men to normal real life sex with a real woman and creates unrealistic expectations for how real women are supposed to look like and the sexual things most women are comfortable with in the bedroom. Just wait until they're on here in 5/10 years with men that can't get it up, or can't come without choking themselves to 20 yr old porn stars, when they're all nearing 40 with post birth bodies and not half as confident as they are now.
You are more within your right to say him looking at porn is a hard limit for you and your relationship. Every single person has a right to decide their own terms in a relationship. If your husband knows and has agreed to those terms, then he's knowingly broken a promise to you and destroyed a huge amount of trust between you two, where's he's happily gone behind your back and hurt you for the sake of a wank.
To help repair this trust he needs to be totally transparent with you, offer to show you what he was looking at, I don't think you should watch though, it won't help. You should both talk about the boundary's in your relationship and agree what both of you are happy to stick to going forward. Men don't NEED internet porn at all, 30 years ago there was no such thing and they got along just fine with their imaginations and the odd lingerie mag lying around. If a man is putting internet porn in front of a real life woman and loving relationship then he's a waste of space.
Op I've been exactly where you are right now and being 39 weeks is a really shit time for you to catch him doing crap like this.

Christ, the cool chix are out in force here.

Porn is vile. It is misogynist, exploitative, and it wrecks proper fun adventurous sex.

I wouldn't be with a man who uses it. My partner doesn't.

Men that do this are repulsive and I have every sympathy with how it has made you feel. I cannot stand the way people just breezily say 'it's normal'. Since when? It's only been the last 15 years or so that it's been so available. There were mags before that yes, but how many hundreds of generations of men have there been before even those, who have managed to control themselves? I hate this encouraging and enabling of men's wanking behaviour.

I hope you have been able to feel a bit calmer now and started to think clearly about what's best to do.

Christ almighty- op is 39 weeks pregnant, bathing a potentially sick child on her own and the other half is happily wanking off to porn in the bathroom and this is totally normal to most posters? God, how the other half live.

Personally after seeing some of the terribly violent abuse that is freely available on porn sites and that the most watched videos on things like Pornhub are incest, teen or deliberately painful anal sex I would not be taking advice from people that think this is normal behaviour. Even if it’s common or garden vanilla stuff he’s watching it still normalises the awful stuff and help funds it. If he just happened upon it online it’s hardly going to be the ethical porn that you have to find carefully and pay for is it?

We all have our lines in the sand and if yours is about porn then so be it. You’re entitled to have boundaries. Hope you feel better op

sadiesnakes that's an excellent post. I would add to that a question to all those saying porn is fine. Would you be happy for your daughter or son to grow up and be a porn actor? If not, then porn is not fine.

I'm not saying what he did was normal or okay, wanking in the bathroom with your partner and child in the house is weird. However, hyperventilating, sobbing in front of your child, shaking and trying to remove yourself and child from the house is not a normal or healthy reaction.

Your poor husband
You’d think you’d just caught him having a threesome with your mother and sister with that reaction

The porn apologist really are out in force on here.

Sadly most women believe that all men use it and that therefore, if they want to keep a man, they have to accept them using it. They are scared that standing up for women will see them labelled as a prude, a kill joy or frigid eg. That's how men keep women in check and carry on getting their kicks from watching exploited women.

Porn is unhealthy, misogynistic, addictive and exploitative. It's not just videos of people having healthy sex, it's abuse and rape on tape. Sadly no man searches for "women enjoying sex" on a porn site. They search for "teen" "anal" "gang bang" "incest" "double penetration" etc.
Look at the women's faces, they grit their teeth and grimace. They end up with PTSD and physical injuries including anal prolapse (which is a much sort after porn genre in itself)

Women in porn are often abused and trafficked. They are not exhibitionists who love sex and make loads of money, (although I'm sure your porn sick husbands live to tell you this) most get paid a pittance while the male directors and producers get rich. Most have experienced abuse and rape and have a messed up relationship with sex and with their own bodies.
Studies show that 90% want to quit the (male dominated and highly exploitative) industry

Some women in here clearly believe it's too high an expectation to find a man who doesn't use porn. It isn't! There are men out there who don't believe that wanking off to rape and abuse is their right.

OP your reaction was real, visceral and completely valid. Porn is betrayal, both personally and to all women as a class.

The fact that most men watch porn, doesn't make it acceptable. Porn is exploitative and misogynistic.

And just because your reaction was intense, doesn't make it wrong in any way. You sound utterly betrayed . The strength of your upset makes me wonder if you're reacting to both the porn thing and also what this means for you in terms of your past. What has this stirred up for you?

Of course, the answers to these kind of questions can take a while to arrive at and in the mean time you need to take care of yourself the best you can. Perhaps you can talk to your DH when you feel calmer and explain how you feel about what he's done.

Ffs women watch porn too. There are porn sites or there specifically for women. Stop just using porn as something that just men do. It's the same thing as only men cheat. Ridiculous

I don't personally watch it but my best mate does (a woman) I don't look at her any different. She's my best friend. She's an amazing wife and mother.

Everyone is going to have different views on porn. No one is ever going to agree. Same as no one is going to stop watching it. But please just stop this 'men and porn' crap. It's not just men.

And can all the pro-porners please read OPs title in that she's asking for help and support, she's 39 weeks pregnant and really dosnt want to hear how great you all think porn is, and clearly didn't start this thread for that purpose. If you want to debate that make your own thread. Op is clearly very upset and given that she's about to give birth and is in a very vulnerable position, have some decency to keep your unwanted opinions to yourselves.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with a man who got off on watching people who could be being raped or exploited. And I wouldn't stay in a relationship with a man who wakened in an unlocked room with children in the house who could burst in. So this would be a huge double whammy for me.

However, at 39 weeks pregnant you need to concentrate on being kind to yourself right now. This thread might not help, unfortunately, as our society is getting the hard-sell that pornography is harmless, despite all the evidence to the contrary.
In vote your mum to come and stay, or talk to a friend, and do whatever you can to help contain your emotions at such a vulnerable time.

But then all she’d hear are ‘it’s ok and what a dick your dh is’ etc etc which is not healthy either imo

@sadie "Support" does not equal agreeing to an over the top hysterical response to an act most people, men and women deem 'normal'.

Perhaps she should LTB

@NormasNob -OP has very strongly said she hates porn and nothing anyone on here says is going to change her mind on that so your wasting your time. Porn apart, her dh has lied to her and broken trust so yes, he is a total dick.

I don't understand why there are always people on these sort of threads saying everyone masturbates so porn is ok. It's not the same thing at all. In any case, I strongly disagree with porn too and would be upset but I think your reaction was probably due to pregnancy hormones too. You need to talk to your dh without getting upset if possible.

@AhNowTed , Who are YOU to say whether her response is normal or not? What exactly qualifies you to make that judgement? I certainly can't and wouldn't, what's normal for you doesn't mean it's normal for me or OP, you can't make that call since you have no idea what's going on in Ops mind.

Why do you feel so strongly about him watching porn op?

Adding support for the OP

Porn is vile misogynistic stuff and at 39 weeks your husband should be helping you, not using porn in the bathroom.

But for now you need to concentrate on the birth and postpone the conversation that you will need to have with him to six months down the road.

Just because most men use porn doesn't mean it's ok and if it your red line then that's fine.

I had a similar issue with DH telling me ‘he occasionally used it when away from home’ which in actual fact when I looked into it turned out to be 4 or5 times a week at home when I was out the house including middle of the day . When you are married to what you think is ‘a new man’ who knows all about trafficking etc that was a bit of a nasty surprise. OP it is perfectly ok to ‘not be ok’ about porn, ignore the cool police. As it happens I was ok, but in moderation, NOT 4 or 5 times a week all in secret and lied to

I'd bet my bottom dollar that it won't have been porn on YouTube.

And I'd also bet that he'll never send you a link to it. He'll send you a link to something else, that he thinks you'll find "better", if anything at all.

But you don't need a link. You don't need to know where he watches porn. You need to calm down, initially, for the sake of the baby. And then at some point you need a conversation; because he clearly uses porn and if this is really unacceptable to you, which is absolutely your prerogative, then you are not compatible. He failed to give it up before, he won't succeed now.

But first, forget the video. It doesn't matter. You'll never see it.

Where is your child now? Are they better; and have you calmed down enough that they're not worried about you? For them; and your unborn child, you really need to be calm.

I'm really shocked at the people telling you to calm down and your reaction isn't normal. Your reaction is your own and your very much entitled to have it for whatever reason! Be it pregnancy related or not it's happened, you need to have a think about wether this is acceptable to you in your relationship..it's not about anyone else..if other posters are ok with their oh's wanking to porn in the bathroom with the door unlocked presumably when their kids could walk in that's up to them. I wouldn't want to see the link I think it's probably not best to go down that particular rabbit hole.

I’m so sorry there are so many vile women on here who don’t stop to consider someone else’s situation.

Yes, porn is popular, but Ed, as others have said, it is disgusting, exploitative and misogynistic. If it helps, OP, many of us feel the same way as you do. Do some googling: Gail Dines and Culture Reframed, Fight the New Drug, Robert Jensen etc. Many people see porn for what it is and how it’s contributing to male impotence, and the objectification of women.

Lastly, there are many men out there who are not interested in porn and see it for what it is. Don’t let people gaslight you into believing otherwise. I’m thoroughly disgusted by the attitude of some women on here. They may not give a shit that they or their partners are watching trafficked women and contributing to the rape culture we are currently immersed in, but you very explicitly came here for comfort and instead you were lecturered.

Re your husband - you already caught him once before and made your position clear. You’ve caught him again. Unless he admits he’s got a problem and you seek out somewhere he can get help from (the above organisations I mentioned can point you in th right direction) you may have to make the choice as to whether you are willing to remain with someone who does this or not. I’m very sorry.

This reaction is extreme and can't be good for the health of yourself or your baby.
Please try to relax and calm down.

I'm not a fan of porn myself and would not be impressed if I found h watching it but this is going wayyyy overboard.

Look after yourself.