Husband & porn - please only comment if you can be helpful or supportive as I genuinely can’t cope

[Ifeeldreadful]

I’ve name changed for this, as I feel truly dreadful, and don’t want this situation associated with the ‘regular’ me.

This is very long, and please, if you can’t say anything helpful or supportive, then please don’t comment - I just can’t take it.

My child seemed quite unwell. I wanted to check the symptoms online, but realised I’d left my phone in the bathroom from when my DD had a bath earlier & I’d caught up on emails. I couldn’t find the laptop, and in my panic I just went and opened the bathroom door and caught my Husband sat on the toilet ‘enjoying’ porn on the laptop.

He very quickly tried to close the window down, but I’d seen about 1 second of it. It looked like ‘regular’ porn, but I’m just utterly disgraced, incensed in fact that he was ‘enjoying’ any porn. I looked at him with disgust, and just said ‘seriously,’ before walking out with my phone and slamming the door.

I didn’t know what to do, but ever since then, I’ve wished I’d taken the laptop off of him and watched what he was watching - I just can’t cope with the betrayal of him using porn full stop, but then also not being able to see what he was watching is absolutely destroying me.

I also hate the fact that I don’t know if he continued to use the video after I’d fled the room in a clearly angered state.

I was physically shaking and thought I was going to be sick. I went and cuddled my child and tried to continue normally, in the hope that I could speak with him whenever he next showed his face, but I couldn’t cope. I went to our child’s bedroom and cried uncontrollably and hyperventilated, and couldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to stop crying and quickly get my child and I ready to get out of the house, but I failed miserably. I didn’t want her to see me like that, nor the neighbours, so I only managed to put my coat on and wipe my mascara from my cheeks before he came into the room.

He told me how sorry he was, and put his arm around me. I shuddered and told him not to touch me. I couldn’t look at him, or even in his general direction. My shaking was terrible by that point, and I burst into uncontrollable tears again. Our child came running in and hugged me and asked what was wrong & went and got tissues for me. I tried my best to stop crying and get my shit together, as I don’t want her seeing her Mummy like that, and for the sake of my unborn child. Obviously I couldn’t discuss/address anything with our child there, and all I ended up saying to him is ‘how does he think I feel for watching it in the first place, but when I’m 39 weeks pregnant too, and when I’ve hardly had a spare moment to myself like usual and he has done as he pleases all morning.’

He kept apologising and saying he’d been stupid. He said he’d gone on YouTube to watch something and clicked on another video, and then he saw that one and started watching it. He started blaming the internet saying how easy it is to access porn.

I don’t believe him however, and I’m convinced that he uses it regularly. A few years ago before we had our child, I came home early and caught him then. I went ballistic and was distraught. He promised he’d never watch it again. I have never got over catching him that time, and now it’s happened again.

It may sound strange, but a huge problem for me is that I don’t know exactly what he was watching. From the seconds I saw, it all looked ‘normal,’ and with female adults, and I don’t doubt the content for a second. I just simply feel I have to see properly what these women look like, and what exactly they were doing. It’s the unknown that I can’t deal with. I’ve dwelled on it over and over since the first incident, and always wished I’d demanded that he show me the video.

I went and searched the laptop history earlier, and tried to access his YouTube account, but funnily enough the bastard doesn’t use a password for that that I know. We know each other’s passwords for everything else. I tried a few different passwords and gave up in severe frustration and a sea of tears. I wanted to cut all of his clothes up!

I was ‘forced’ into trying to act normally as our child was there, so I think he thinks I’m handling this better than I am, but I can’t get over it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him, and I’ve been crying for hours.

I can’t handle not seeing what he watched, and the feeling of being lied to, and the betrayal of it all (including using an unknown password). I was really hoping I could just sit and watch it without him knowing, but now I feel that the only chance of trying to move on is if I demand that he sends me a link to the video and I can watch it in private (no way could I watch it with him there). I just don’t feel I can continue with the relationship until I can watch the content and try to come to terms with it all. The thought of him being present at our child’s birth and seeing me so vulnerable is repulsing me.

Do you think I should demand that he sends me the video link?

I’m honestly thinking of taking our child and staying with my parents as I can’t cope. Obviously I don’t want to do this and uproot her, but also because I want to give birth st our local hospital and my parents live ages away.

Please advise and comfort me. Thank you in advance.

I used to watch it but recently a discussion (mostly unsympathetic discussion) on an extremely male dominated sports/lifestyle forum I frequent about prom actresses who've commited suicide, including one I'd unknowingly been watching and whom I admired looks wise; made me v uncomfortable.

If I thought I could watch women (and men) who are ok with their profession, I wouldn't have these reservations but I've realised I can't know. I suppose amateur, personally uploaded stuff - but even then how do you know the person isn't under 'influence' and will later feel differently.

I suppose porn is like prostitution - very few people are actually suited to doing it , with complete happiness and no issues.

Agree with elaborate about the difference in roles and the physical and mental ramifications.

Worth pointing out that gay men do everything demanded of women - in gay porn too. Wonder what their feelings/mental & physical health experiences are.

Elanora not elaborate!

I think posters need to be more specific in their original posts, instead of asking for helpful and supportive comments and the like, they should just say they're only interested in people validating their own views and post and intend to ignore and call out anything that doesn't support their view.

I too think you have majorly overreacted. I won't repeat the reasons given by prev posters. Please consider the advice given, I think that acceptance may help massively. It's not the porn issue you have that people are calling you on, it's the reaction.

I'm aware this is one of those posts

Just came across this by chance on Twitter. Why we can’t have #MeToo and porn:

twitter.com/lilyrmunroe/status/971221321219694592?s=21

I think of (regular) porn as a bit like Sports Direct or Amazon. Ethically dubious and someone suffers from others using it and accepting their values (I use Amazon a lot btw - am not preaching - but it always makes me feel a bit dirty because I know how awful they are). I am aware that some of the exploitation in some of the porn industry is a lot worse before people start responding!

OP your reaction was extreme. If the issue with porn is the trafficking and treatment of women side of things you (or he) can search out ethical porn (e.g. go for a female director - there are a few - they usually have more of an eye on the ethics ). Or have a google - there will be plenty of info on the more ethical alternatives as many are aware of the (very real) problems with porn. If it’s your dh looking at other women that’s the issue then you’ll have to talk to your dh about that and see if you can compromise - maybe reading something a bit descriptive would help. If it’s masturbation itself that’s the issue then you’re going to produce marriage problems if you insist he can’t get his rocks off. And yeah lick on the door may be sensible (we don’t have a lock on our door).

Your reaction is very extreme though - I’d have a think about it and why it is so extreme. You need to be able to have a sensible discussion about what your actual issue with porn is. It doesn’t really matter what the rest of us think.

To put the poem debate aside for a min;

The poster asked her hub not to do something, which some people find unacceptable and have good reasons to; he said he wouldn't and then did.

He didn't lock a shared use room in their home while masturbating with a kid in the house.

He did this when op is 1 week off standard full term with his baby.

She may have had a strong physical reaction but her reaction is hardly unreasonable even to me - and I don't have even have an issue with my hub watching porn.

Your reacting as if you've caught him in bed with someone else. It's porn.

The rejection feels the same though.

But the way you reacted not normal. I'll put it down to being 39 weeks pregnant but if you weren't I'd be seriously suggesting you need some type of help with managing your emotions.

Shame on you MNers who've responded in that tone. So patronizing! You need NO help with your emotions, OP. You were justifiably hurt! And porn sucks. No pun intended. It ruins so many relationships and it's so shit for our sex lives. I think online porn has been worse for us as a society than people want to believe. Don't get me started on an unregulated industry and the debasing of women (I can hear the cool 'But they're happy doing it and they give their consent and women can do what they want with their bodies' brigade coming to dress shit up with tinsel and make it look so much better than it really is). That's a whole other thread. So here we are, society, all "hashtag Me Too" up to the fucking gills, BUT porn's cool. Ok then. Have another glass of misogynistic Kool Aid.

It's just a bit of porn

While you're bathing and managing unwell children. Ok. That's cool.
WTF women? He's having a good, solid wank to porn (which is a deal breaker for many of us in a relationship) while she's left to deal with real life shit, i.e. unwell kid AND the rest. I have a problem with any man or woman who watches porn while the kids are at home. That is The Deal Breaker for me. That shit doesn't get watched with the kids milling about.

OP, you're not overreacting. If it hurts, it hurts. You draw your line in the sand and tell him it's a deal-breaker. No porn in the house. You shouldn't have to roll over and go along with it if it is out of your comfort zone.

Acceptance

"Who cares if you're unhappy that he watches porn," they told her. "Accept. Roll over and accept."

Fuck that. Is that what you'll teach your daughters? Accept your lot. Accept your unhappiness.
Draw your lines, OP. You don't have to accept jack shit. You do not have to live outside of your comfort zone. Your DH is not a bad guy. And you know this. He just needs to listen and respect your wishes and understand that porn in the home is not on. It's not cool and he should just understand your reasons. It is totally reasonable to not want your DH watching pornography- especially with the kids about. He wasn't thinking, obviously. But he needs to give thought to this and to your wishes. Good luck!

Here here
Thank you The Vanguard Six for your post for explaining better in context what the issue is. I fully agree with you and glad that not everyone has been drinking the KoolAid for decades (since school basically, I think it is even worse for the next generation as they have full-on porn on their phones as teenagers and the Porn-is-totally-Fine line is propagated to lasting and damaging effect).

So I think the conclusion is OP's husband, should have been honest.

"Darling, I appear to have come over all horny in the moment, I'm just going to pop to the loo for a perfectly normal and natural wank and I daresay I'll use some porn to expedite the matter so I'm not in there all day, I'll bookmark what video so you can take a look at your leisure. Now I know I said I wouldn't ever look at porn whilst having a wank again and I know I'm a terrible husband and I also know having this wank to porn, will at best upset you and at worst end our marriage, but I've been honest and that's what's important here. See you in 5!"

Sorted.

Yeah - actually he should have been honest that he was going to continue watching/using porn.

Then op could've decided if she could accept it or not (seems not) and moved on to someone else who doesn't use porn (I'll admit, I reckon most do) and not got pregnant by him again (or at all dep on when she first told him she found poem use unacceptable).

But I find many men wing bd honest about stuff lime that because they want the homely relatively conservative wife whom they think is a low cheating risk and wide and mother material; but they don't want to pay the price of having the relatively conservative wife .. In this case not using porn to 'expedite' masturbation. They'd rather be deceptive and hypocritical, poor them.

Also if he's going to lie to her and continue using porn, then have the sense/caution to lock the fkn door - so he's careless as well as deceptive/patronising.

And there was a child around into the bargain - and the child was sick with her mother trying to care for her .. While he goes for a wank. But yeah the op's crazy.

I don't get how OP overreacted.

Can't some of you put yourselves in her shoes?

It doesn't matter what you think of porn personally.

For me, catching my husband with porn would be the end of our marriage and a betrayal. Surely feeling betrayed and knowing your marriage is going to be ruined is a very acceptable reason to act the way OP did?

Funnily enough someone brought up gambling earlier. My ex husband was a gambling addict. For a long time I thought he had stopped (yes I was naive) and promises were made etc. When I caught him gambling again I felt sick to my stomach, I was shaking and cried for hours. I had that reaction because I knew that was the end, I felt betrayed and lied to and I knew there was no coming back from it.

No one would have told me my reaction was extreme.

If my husband was caught with porn I would feel the exact same way I did when my ex was caught gambling again. It doesn't matter if you think the two aren't comparable. It doesn't matter if you think porn is no big deal. OP does, many of us do and therefore OP's reaction is not a sign that she needs help. It's just a sign that she feels betrayed, lied to and knows that this could ruin her marriage.

You don't have to agree with her views on porn, but surely you can see that her feelings against porn would lead to her reaction?

I think more people watch porn than don’t, and if the OP was to leave her husband over this then she’d struggle to find someone who never looks at it. I’m not saying that she should just put up with it and shut up though as it’s clearly something that really upsets her. There are only 2 options here - she needs to communicate calmly to her husband about how much it’s affecting her. They need to discuss it and come to a proper agreement/compromise. If she can’t trust him to not do it again then she needs to leave him or the relationship will become toxic with paranoia and resentment. I’m sure there are men and women out there who never watch the stuff, but every single one of my male friends has said they watch it regularly whether their partners like it or not. My OH said he sometimes watches it but it bores him a bit now as he watched so much of it in his late teens. Most of my female friends have said they sometimes watch it too. We are all very open with each other whereas others might be embarrassed to admit they watch it

LeisMiserable

Well, he could have just told her the last time that he was caught that he wasn't sorry and he had no intentions of stopping.

Sorted.

I’m not judging the OP for her reaction though because even though I don’t really have an issue with porn, I do have an issue with strip clubs and I would completely freak out if my OH ever went to one and paid for a private dance. Others might think that’s silly too but we all have our boundaries and no one else should tell us how we should/shouldn’t feel about something. As long as we aren’t reacting in a dangerous way such as getting violent if our partners do something we don’t like.

I think (personally) there’s a difference between addiction to porn and the occasional watch of it. Addiction to anything can cause problems.

As I said before the OP needs to work out what her issue with porn is and then discuss it calmly and rationally with her husband. There may be a compromise. He may not be that bothered either way & be happy to have a wank via other means.

But it needs to start with a sensible conversation about what the actual issue is.

I caught my DH watching porn and enjoying himself, but this was when our DD was v young and we hadn’t had sex for ages as I was v tired/breastfeeding etc. Yes, it was pretty awful walking in on him pulling his trousers up but I didn’t have a massive over reaction to it. I kind of understood his need to satisfy his urges... but it was still a bit of a shock seeing him doing it. I’m sure lots of men enjoy porn (maybe even your dad!) and as long as they aren’t harming anyone or watching v hardcore/illegal porn then I guess there is nothing intrinsically wrong with it.

Perhaps you should explore your feelings as to why you reacted the way you did?

Maybe U2 he was sorry and had every intention of 'stopping' (as if this is a perpetual motion type activity) and then you know, being human and life got in the way. His wife has drawn her line, he's stepped over it, its her responsibility now to act.

Porn generally leads to other stuff. First it's a couple of times a week then they need something else so maybe Cam girls then on to online dating and then if no luck there escorts/prostitutes.

There have been lots of studies to prove this and impotence follows on from this too.

Porn is not OK for all the reasons said throughout this thread. Sorry OP I'm with you on this I used to be a coolish GF who was half OK with this but yes it is a slippery slope as many MNers can testify .

SOME men might want more but most don't and are quite happy with porn! I don't see the problem I use porn for a release, so does my partner and we sometimes use it together!

"Porn generally leads to other stuff"

What a load of bollocks! Of course it doesn't.

It's just a bloke, masturbating over some porn. It's not a reflection of how he feels about the relationship he is in or his partner.

It certainly doesn't lead to anything more hardcore like prostitutes. Get a grip!

Just a male being a male. Let him be. Porn doesn't harm your relationship in that he's not doing anything physical. Even if he did, and I suppose being male he thinks about it, he would like a sexual relationship with another woman.

Stop denying a man of his maleness. That's how they were built.

Bury your head in the sand lamb