Husband & porn - please only comment if you can be helpful or supportive as I genuinely can’t cope

[Ifeeldreadful]

I’ve name changed for this, as I feel truly dreadful, and don’t want this situation associated with the ‘regular’ me.

This is very long, and please, if you can’t say anything helpful or supportive, then please don’t comment - I just can’t take it.

My child seemed quite unwell. I wanted to check the symptoms online, but realised I’d left my phone in the bathroom from when my DD had a bath earlier & I’d caught up on emails. I couldn’t find the laptop, and in my panic I just went and opened the bathroom door and caught my Husband sat on the toilet ‘enjoying’ porn on the laptop.

He very quickly tried to close the window down, but I’d seen about 1 second of it. It looked like ‘regular’ porn, but I’m just utterly disgraced, incensed in fact that he was ‘enjoying’ any porn. I looked at him with disgust, and just said ‘seriously,’ before walking out with my phone and slamming the door.

I didn’t know what to do, but ever since then, I’ve wished I’d taken the laptop off of him and watched what he was watching - I just can’t cope with the betrayal of him using porn full stop, but then also not being able to see what he was watching is absolutely destroying me.

I also hate the fact that I don’t know if he continued to use the video after I’d fled the room in a clearly angered state.

I was physically shaking and thought I was going to be sick. I went and cuddled my child and tried to continue normally, in the hope that I could speak with him whenever he next showed his face, but I couldn’t cope. I went to our child’s bedroom and cried uncontrollably and hyperventilated, and couldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to stop crying and quickly get my child and I ready to get out of the house, but I failed miserably. I didn’t want her to see me like that, nor the neighbours, so I only managed to put my coat on and wipe my mascara from my cheeks before he came into the room.

He told me how sorry he was, and put his arm around me. I shuddered and told him not to touch me. I couldn’t look at him, or even in his general direction. My shaking was terrible by that point, and I burst into uncontrollable tears again. Our child came running in and hugged me and asked what was wrong & went and got tissues for me. I tried my best to stop crying and get my shit together, as I don’t want her seeing her Mummy like that, and for the sake of my unborn child. Obviously I couldn’t discuss/address anything with our child there, and all I ended up saying to him is ‘how does he think I feel for watching it in the first place, but when I’m 39 weeks pregnant too, and when I’ve hardly had a spare moment to myself like usual and he has done as he pleases all morning.’

He kept apologising and saying he’d been stupid. He said he’d gone on YouTube to watch something and clicked on another video, and then he saw that one and started watching it. He started blaming the internet saying how easy it is to access porn.

I don’t believe him however, and I’m convinced that he uses it regularly. A few years ago before we had our child, I came home early and caught him then. I went ballistic and was distraught. He promised he’d never watch it again. I have never got over catching him that time, and now it’s happened again.

It may sound strange, but a huge problem for me is that I don’t know exactly what he was watching. From the seconds I saw, it all looked ‘normal,’ and with female adults, and I don’t doubt the content for a second. I just simply feel I have to see properly what these women look like, and what exactly they were doing. It’s the unknown that I can’t deal with. I’ve dwelled on it over and over since the first incident, and always wished I’d demanded that he show me the video.

I went and searched the laptop history earlier, and tried to access his YouTube account, but funnily enough the bastard doesn’t use a password for that that I know. We know each other’s passwords for everything else. I tried a few different passwords and gave up in severe frustration and a sea of tears. I wanted to cut all of his clothes up!

I was ‘forced’ into trying to act normally as our child was there, so I think he thinks I’m handling this better than I am, but I can’t get over it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him, and I’ve been crying for hours.

I can’t handle not seeing what he watched, and the feeling of being lied to, and the betrayal of it all (including using an unknown password). I was really hoping I could just sit and watch it without him knowing, but now I feel that the only chance of trying to move on is if I demand that he sends me a link to the video and I can watch it in private (no way could I watch it with him there). I just don’t feel I can continue with the relationship until I can watch the content and try to come to terms with it all. The thought of him being present at our child’s birth and seeing me so vulnerable is repulsing me.

Do you think I should demand that he sends me the video link?

I’m honestly thinking of taking our child and staying with my parents as I can’t cope. Obviously I don’t want to do this and uproot her, but also because I want to give birth st our local hospital and my parents live ages away.

Please advise and comfort me. Thank you in advance.

No it isn't straightforward at all you're right.

I wonder if OP could rewind time and not have needed to go into the bathroom whilst her dh was in there and see what she saw, would she.

Because now she has the deal breaker. Does she stay when she knows that her dh might occasionally have a wank in his bathroom with porn or does she leave him?
Do they agree that the bathroom is private and the door should be locked and that she must choose to trust in him and doesn't need his passwords if she's going to be married to him , or does she leave him?
Does he agree only to masturbate at a certain time in.a certain way that will cause least upset and give over his passwords, or does he leave her?

Realistically, either is likely to leave. So how does this get resolved.

les if she stays and he changes nothing of his behaviour, he knows he can get away with anything. Compromise on both sides is the answer, surely, although bearing in mind he lied to her when he said he'd give up porn and continued in secret, I don't know how she could trust his word anyway. That's the most important thing to me.

Exactly

So what's his compromise?

I don't really know how you can compromise on porn?

People who are anti-porn and don't want to be married to someone who uses it aren't very likely to come up with a compromise.

I am trying to think what compromise my husband could make if he wanted to watch porn and I can't think of one.

Yeah, me neither. Which is why I'm v interested in what les is going to come up with, seeing as s/he is defending the right to porn after promising not to, ad in doing so, stomp all over any trust and honesty in the relationship.

It's v difficult to answer objectively. Subjectively, I think she was unreasonable to ask him to promise in the first place. And I don't see it as a lie, but that he broke a promise, because it turned out to be more difficult than he thought. It's like promising to give up smoking, and then having the odd fag in secret.

I think her reaction was extreme, but I don't know the back story in her objection to porn. I do think she might benefit from some conversations with an experienced counsellor because she might be one of the many women who see porn as a threat to their self-esteem because they see it as a criticism of their looks or ability to be 'enough'. When it really isn't.

It would be sad to turn her children's lives upside down over this, if previously it was a happy family.

It would be sad to turn her children's lives upside down over this, if previously it was a happy family.

I agree it would be very sad, but he put them in that position, not the OP.

And I don't see it as a lie, but that he broke a promise, because it turned out to be more difficult than he thought.

As a non porn watcher, is it really that difficult to give up? I quit smoking and that was hard going (until I found vaping) it is quite sad if not watching porn is thought to be as difficult as quitting smoking.

Literally not at all what I said. It's like you are committed to misunderstanding even assenting views.

I think the problem is you are saying he needs to change his behaviour. Why? Which bit? The wanking? Does his wife get to choose what he can wank to? Does that sound reasonable? Or could they make more time for each other sexually, is that a compromise? What do you want him to compromise on here? Promising never ever to watch porn again,we'll he tried that and failed and yet he's still married. Why do you want to remove the woman's responsibility to assert her right to leave a man who makes her unhappy? Thst is the only viable option here, unless she can come to terms with the fact her husband occasionally looks at porn to get off. But what you want is for him to change his ways and mean it or else. We can't change people and so much heartache comes from the refusal to accept someone as they are. So yes, to re-iterate. Again. She can leave or they can agree some privacy rules. That's it as far as I can see.

Don't know how old this couple are, but if his routine has always involved porn, I would think it might be difficult to change it. Like not being able to do it with the other hand?

As I said, I think she was unreasonable to expect him to promise in the first place. So she would have to take some responsibility for breaking up the family. Most of it, in my view. But she's unlikely to see it that way.

It's not as if she's caught him cheating or sexting or having an emotional affair.

It doesn't look like he is ever going to give it up. That leaves the OP with two options. Leave him or put up with it if she doesn't think it's enough of a reason to end her marriage over.

I think there is very little point in trying to stop him using it. In my experience people only stop doing something if they want to.

There seems to be some kind of thing here that it’s impossible to wank without constant online moving picture open. I seem to manage with imagination and like written word/stories etc. None of which I have an issue with. I think guys have become very very lazy with their brains!!

very very lazy with their brains

I think it was ever thus. Men are physiologically v different. The survival of the human race depended on men being turned on. Women, not so much. There's always been a market for nudie mags. Cosmo had a male centrefold but it never really caught on.

We're on a thread to nowhere....

To surmise -

Some folks think a wank to a porno is totally fine

Some folks think porn is unacceptable in any form

The end.

I do think she might benefit from some conversations with an experienced counsellor because she might be one of the many women who see porn as a threat to their self-esteem because they see it as a criticism of their looks or ability to be 'enough'. When it really isn't.
And if she's one of those women who have investigated enough to know about the exploitative nature of it, and disagrees from an ethical standpoint? How is counseling going to help there? Maybe it would be better if her dh had counseling so he understood the need for being selective with his decisions?
les if that comment was directed at me, I don't think I'm misunderstanding anything. Some of what you say is true and I agree, but it does all actually come back to her dh not being honest about porn, so some aspect of his behaviour needs to change, whether it's that alone or more. I doubt any of us would want to live with someone who we knew lied to us.

So what can he masturbate to?

Would your reaction have been so severe it'd it was a lads mag? The lingerie pages of a catalogue? What if he was just masturbating with no stimulus, would you have demanded to know what he was thinking about?

I understand the anti porn argument but I think this is about the insecurity of the OP.

I think it was ever thus. Men are physiologically v different. The survival of the human race depended on men being turned on. Women, not so much

Says a 2000 year old book. What a ridiculous belief about female sexuality.

Can you back that up?

OP hasn't come back. wasn't going to comment but got to page 10 where someone likened porn to a gateway drug.

Really?

I honestly think OP forced a promise from her DH. And I suppose not wanting a confrontation her DH lied and it's now up to OP to decide how far she wants to take this. Hard to do at 39 weeks.

I think it's in OPs nature to have extreme emotions. I don't for a second think this is down to her being pregnant. And if she always reacts like this it will lead to a man with no balls lying to her. Make no mistake he is at fault, but now it's up to OP where her marriage lies.

Just my thoughts.

LeCoq

I don't have to back it up. It's blindingly obvious. Without an erection and subsequent ejaculation, there is no transfer of sperm. At its basic, all that women have to do is lie there and think of England. They can get pregnant without being turned on at all.

What 2,000 year old book?

Thyme

Women are also visual creatures too- doubt you or many women would just sleep with anything.

Sounda like an age old excuse from a particular religious book to guard women's sexuality.

Maybe you don't have to back it up, that can lead people like me to question and counter your arguement. "It's blindingly obvious" is very unscientific in it's thinking.

They can get pregnant without being turned on at all

This would require consent from the woman though. Have we not evolved? Are humans not a communicative and self reflective species?

Should we also kill whem we feel like it?

And..........

Down the rabbit hole we go..

I don't think many women who become pregnant through rape were either consenting OR turned on tbf. And if they were, then they weren't raped.