Husband & porn - please only comment if you can be helpful or supportive as I genuinely can’t cope

[Ifeeldreadful]

I’ve name changed for this, as I feel truly dreadful, and don’t want this situation associated with the ‘regular’ me.

This is very long, and please, if you can’t say anything helpful or supportive, then please don’t comment - I just can’t take it.

My child seemed quite unwell. I wanted to check the symptoms online, but realised I’d left my phone in the bathroom from when my DD had a bath earlier & I’d caught up on emails. I couldn’t find the laptop, and in my panic I just went and opened the bathroom door and caught my Husband sat on the toilet ‘enjoying’ porn on the laptop.

He very quickly tried to close the window down, but I’d seen about 1 second of it. It looked like ‘regular’ porn, but I’m just utterly disgraced, incensed in fact that he was ‘enjoying’ any porn. I looked at him with disgust, and just said ‘seriously,’ before walking out with my phone and slamming the door.

I didn’t know what to do, but ever since then, I’ve wished I’d taken the laptop off of him and watched what he was watching - I just can’t cope with the betrayal of him using porn full stop, but then also not being able to see what he was watching is absolutely destroying me.

I also hate the fact that I don’t know if he continued to use the video after I’d fled the room in a clearly angered state.

I was physically shaking and thought I was going to be sick. I went and cuddled my child and tried to continue normally, in the hope that I could speak with him whenever he next showed his face, but I couldn’t cope. I went to our child’s bedroom and cried uncontrollably and hyperventilated, and couldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to stop crying and quickly get my child and I ready to get out of the house, but I failed miserably. I didn’t want her to see me like that, nor the neighbours, so I only managed to put my coat on and wipe my mascara from my cheeks before he came into the room.

He told me how sorry he was, and put his arm around me. I shuddered and told him not to touch me. I couldn’t look at him, or even in his general direction. My shaking was terrible by that point, and I burst into uncontrollable tears again. Our child came running in and hugged me and asked what was wrong & went and got tissues for me. I tried my best to stop crying and get my shit together, as I don’t want her seeing her Mummy like that, and for the sake of my unborn child. Obviously I couldn’t discuss/address anything with our child there, and all I ended up saying to him is ‘how does he think I feel for watching it in the first place, but when I’m 39 weeks pregnant too, and when I’ve hardly had a spare moment to myself like usual and he has done as he pleases all morning.’

He kept apologising and saying he’d been stupid. He said he’d gone on YouTube to watch something and clicked on another video, and then he saw that one and started watching it. He started blaming the internet saying how easy it is to access porn.

I don’t believe him however, and I’m convinced that he uses it regularly. A few years ago before we had our child, I came home early and caught him then. I went ballistic and was distraught. He promised he’d never watch it again. I have never got over catching him that time, and now it’s happened again.

It may sound strange, but a huge problem for me is that I don’t know exactly what he was watching. From the seconds I saw, it all looked ‘normal,’ and with female adults, and I don’t doubt the content for a second. I just simply feel I have to see properly what these women look like, and what exactly they were doing. It’s the unknown that I can’t deal with. I’ve dwelled on it over and over since the first incident, and always wished I’d demanded that he show me the video.

I went and searched the laptop history earlier, and tried to access his YouTube account, but funnily enough the bastard doesn’t use a password for that that I know. We know each other’s passwords for everything else. I tried a few different passwords and gave up in severe frustration and a sea of tears. I wanted to cut all of his clothes up!

I was ‘forced’ into trying to act normally as our child was there, so I think he thinks I’m handling this better than I am, but I can’t get over it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him, and I’ve been crying for hours.

I can’t handle not seeing what he watched, and the feeling of being lied to, and the betrayal of it all (including using an unknown password). I was really hoping I could just sit and watch it without him knowing, but now I feel that the only chance of trying to move on is if I demand that he sends me a link to the video and I can watch it in private (no way could I watch it with him there). I just don’t feel I can continue with the relationship until I can watch the content and try to come to terms with it all. The thought of him being present at our child’s birth and seeing me so vulnerable is repulsing me.

Do you think I should demand that he sends me the video link?

I’m honestly thinking of taking our child and staying with my parents as I can’t cope. Obviously I don’t want to do this and uproot her, but also because I want to give birth st our local hospital and my parents live ages away.

Please advise and comfort me. Thank you in advance.

Boys will be boys eh

You're in denial of scientific FACT!

PyroMum, do you know what a fact is...?

That's right op..how very dare you deny your husband the right to watch (possibly trafficked, abused, coerced) women being shagged on screen any time he pleases ..that's just his maleness

Fucking preposterous nonsense.

Yes I do thabk you very much. Read the studies and stop trying to change men. You're causing mental illness among men and women. We evolved this way, accept that.

I don't think I'm going to reply to this thread anymore. Women these days are trying to emulate men, that whats preposterous.

Why am I burying my head in the sand?!

If porn was a fast track to prostitution 95% of our husbands, brothers, sons and fathers would be out every night shagging a hooker.

Stop spouting made up claptrap.

The problem is that what a lot of people my age think of as porn isn’t what’s out there for mass consumption now. I’m only late 30s and I was really kind of shocked to see exactly what is available as very mainstream now.
Almost all of it is a scenario of violence against women - there’s almost nothing where the woman is shown as either a willing participant or as gaining any pleasure from it. Acts are now mainstream which if carried out by non professionals would be likely to cause serious damage and which even professional actresses are suffering damage from. Choking, spitting, multiple penetrations, simulated rape/punishment - it’s all quite disturbing stuff. Where’s the female pleasure? Where’s the depictions of two people (or more) having a mutually pleasurable time?

I think before I looked into this I’d have thought it was a bit of harmless shagging but it’s really not. It’s violence against women in a sexual setting. Honestly I challenge you to go onto one of the free hub sites - see what’s on offer. What percentage of that is willingly enthusiastic women getting their rocks off too? Almost none.

THAT is what is so disturbing. It’s not being prudish about sex - people should be shagging to the rooftops anyway they like if it’s consensual. But the vast majority of modern porn is one sided sexual assault and dominance on film. It’s toxic and it’s not something we should accept as ‘being male’ Or ‘boys will be boys.’

Sex is fine - one sided sexual violence really isn’t.

Everyone has boundaries in their relationships. Some people are fine with partners going to strip clubs - I’m not and DH hates the idea as well (and has turned down stag dos because of it.)

Op is entitled to feel how she feels. She’s got a baby on the way and needs to feel safe, not wondering if her existing child is going to walk in on him having a wank on the bathroom.

The figure for the UK is roughly one in ten men paying for sex.

So the chances of one of your brothers/uncles/sons/husbands having done so is reasonably high. That doesn’t include camgirl interactions, only regular prostitution

Read the studies and stop trying to change men.

I've read a few. As I said above, I've never found one that says anything more convincing than most men have seen porn at some point. I've missed the ones that say it's scientific FACT that men have to jerk off to porn.

You're causing mental illness among men and women.
Me personally?

We evolved this way, accept that.
No.

Women these days are trying to emulate men, that whats preposterous.
Do you know what emulate means? This part makes no sense at all based on your 'boys will be boys' argument.

I think porn is always going to be a really controversial subject that will split people down the middle. I have to admit that when I used to watch a lot of porn when I was younger, the ethical side of it didn’t even enter my head once. Now that I’ve heard more about the awful stuff that does on it’s opened my eyes a bit to the industry and im very careful about what I do watch now. I doubt most people who watch it care and will just close their minds to the bigger picture. It’s the biggest industry in the world and I don’t even know how they could begin to regulate it all properly

One thing I find quite interesting about discussions on this theme is that the pro porn/lap dance/ other sex product contingent are often quite vehement in their hostility to other ways in which people might get sexual stimulation from people other than their partner. “At least he wasn’t cheating on you etc.”
For my part, I’d find it easier to retain respect for someone who had a consensual one night stand than someone addicted to the boring, nasty, low grade rubbish that most porn is. But that’s only a personal view. What interests me more is why these people draw the line where they do; and whose interests are served by that.

I'm really sorry you've felt this upset, OP.

I largely agree with what @rhubarbtea has said. You stated that this was a dealbreaker for you before. Everyone has their dealbreakers as far as relationships go, and if this is yours then whether or not it bothers someone else is by-the-by. And as many have said, porn is a divisive issue for multiple reasons. It's hardly a necessity, so if he was fully aware that it's something that upsets you, I can see why you found this experience unpleasant.

You've said you want to hide your usual name because you don't feel your 'regular' self, so I'll hazard a guess and assume that's because you're usually quite a calm person and therefore shocked by your own response to the situation? And potentially, there are other things weighing on your mind that have contributed to it? For example, you've pointed out that you were busy as usual and he had done as he pleased all morning. If you're suggesting that you're feeling as though he's not doing his fair share, and that's contributed to how you're feeling, it does seem there's more to discuss with him than just the porn.

To me, it does sound like quite an overwhelming reaction. I'm not saying it's a bad/wrong reaction - I think being that far on into a pregnancy, worrying about a sick child, being rushed off your feet with a big bump in tow, and being in a state of panic anyway could push most people into the 'straw that broke the camel's back' category emotions wise. We've all been there!! Oh, and even though I'm pretty apathetic on this issue, I'd still be wound up by someone sitting and cracking one out while I'm trying to spin plates on the parenting front.

You do need to have an open discussion about this. If you park the problem until after the birth, make it clear you do want to talk about it, but that right now you're prioritising your pregnancy and health for the moment. However, if you feel as though delaying the discussion might make matters worse, don't steer away from it. You're between a rock and a hard place as the initial post-birth period is hardly rosy enough for this kind of chat. Only you know whether it's worth talking out now or not.

I don't feel as though seeing the link would be helpful. If porn is a dealbreaker for you because you dislike the idea of him drawing pleasure from women onscreen, all you'll achieve is potentially a temporary sense of relief from finding out it's 'normal' porn, and then you'll likely sit with a head full of images you don't want/need.

Whatever you choose to do, try to strike the right balance between self-care and maintaining stability for your other little one. Is there a possibility you could go to your parents' for the weekend? Or, maybe have your mum come to you seeing as you're so close to giving birth? It does seem as though you're in need of emotional support, and potentially someone else to talk this all out with. x

Sad that you are not getting the support you craved here.

You feel what you feel. Whether other people think it's right or wrong, it's what you feel, and that is hurt and betrayed. He has lied to you and done stuff nehind your back. I get that.

The 'boys will be boys' argument is rubbish. Everyone has a choice and must be held accountable for their own actions. If he gets randy it's his decision what he does about it. As your spouse, I think you are entilted to have a say in that too. 'Everyone does it' is also a cop out.

Psychologists call this sexploration, mental adultery and the old-fashioned term (from the Bible, different kind of porn I guess!) is adultery of the heart. Each of these are viable arguments and have been given as grounds for divorce.

My advice is have the discussion after the babay is born and you feel more settled. Don't allow anyone to minimise your feelings. They are yours and no one else's. If you need a break at your mum's, do it. You must have your own boundaries guided by your gut instincts. But you also have a lot on your plate so take some time out.

Sorry this has gone off topic . Best wishes xxx

Take care of yourself and your children OP. Time will fix/heal/allow correction of the rest. Take some time out and treat yourself.l (nice choccies, nice baths, long walk with DD?) Wishing you all the best and a peaceful time over the next few crucial weeks. Remember you are not alone.

Can I just say, how do any of us know what ops relationship is like with oh? Maybe it hasn't been the best recently? Or for a long long time infact?

Maybe op hasn't shown any love or interest towards oh. Maybe he's feeling unloved and unwanted.

I just don't think it's fair to judge him on this when op hasn't said anything about what state the relationship is in. I personally think he may of been felt quite suffocated - op comes across as very controlling.
Maybe he's just had enough. The fact that she couldn't handle not knowing one of his passwords speaks volumes.

39 weeks pregnant or not, it's no excuse for the over reaction. It's this is coming from someone who is currently pregnant herself.

I'll probably get blamed for this but anyway....and I'm not a member of the cool wives club either. I just hate everyone judging men who watch porn as the scum on the earth. That's not the case.

Op clearly isn't going to come back to this post and no one is ever going to agree. It's gone way off the topic as usual with everyone coming on stating their 'facts' just to prove themselves right and everyone else is wrong. This whole post has turned ridiculous.

@bitzy12
You say this post has turned ridiculous but you coming on making up excuses for a man you don't know and know absolutely nothing about, that in itself is ridiculous. Deal with the facts provided from the Op, they are simply that her husband lied to her and continued to use porn when he made a promise he wouldn't. Him hypothetically feeling "unloved" still dosnt excuse him of this sly, sneaky behavior. Porn aside, her husband has betrayed her trust and has hurt Op beyond what she can cope with at the moment.

@bitzy12
Also to add, men don't use porn behind their partners backs because they feel unwanted or unloved, they use it because they want to, regardless of the state of their relationship. I know from first hand experience.

Not all men @sadiesnakes - that's the thing. They are not all the same. End of. It's a very very sad world that women seem to think this.

@bitzy12
Where did I say All men?

Quite depressing to read all the porn apologists on here. I wouldn't accept this in a relationship. I don't give a shit what percentage of men watch porn. Most men are wankers who I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyway. I would end it over something like this, and I am not under the influence of "pregnancy hormones".

Other people feel differently, that's up to them.

In my opinion, quite alarming over reaction.

And pleas enote, your hysterics and attempts to humiliate and control him won't work.

He will simply wank to and watch porn in secret.

You don't get to tell him what he can and can't watch or do on his own with his own dick.

Just imagine if the sexes were reversed in this instance - a woman being made to feel like filth for wanking.

It’s anazing how people like pirate queen, while thinking they are defending men, completely infantilise them. He will have to watch porn - just like a baby fills its nappy, there is no choice, no agency there. Nor can he be expected to explain or defend his choice, like an adult. He is driven to deceit. No other option.
And people say it’s anti porn feminists who have a low opinion of men. Weird

Just imagine if the sexes were reversed in this instance - a woman being made to feel like filth for wanking.

If she was wanking to possibly trafficked young men being degraded and abused, in a one sided display of sexual violence, she would be. If she was wanking where her young kid could walk in and see the material she’d be in the wrong.

I have no problem with sex, or people bonking their little hearts out in whichever consensual ways they want - but porn nowadays is almost exclusively violent rape scenarios. It’s extremely disturbing. It’s not erotic, it’s violent. That used to be niche, now it’s mainstream and that does have knock on effects - there was a thread on here recently about a woman whose early twenties age daughter was finding he guys she was dating all wanted to choke and slap her during sex - that’s potentially lethal behaviour (it takes very little pressure on the throat to kill or maim) that’s been normalised and it’s enfirely down to porn. What should be a behaviour engaged in by consenting partners aware of risk has become ‘expected’ of young women.

That’s disturbing. It’s disturbing for both sexes - it’s not showing them healthy respectful sexual behaviour at all

Do any of you people going on and on that all porn is degrading, abuse rape etc ever actually bloody watch it??
Not ALL porn is like that.

Try educating yourselves about porn and about who uses it. MANY , MANY women enjoy it too.

Not ALL porn is like that.

The majority sourced through the major hubs is. Look at the landing pages of those sites. It’s all dp/triple ‘/surprise’ /punishment Etc. Actresses are needing numbing gels, and suffering severe injuries. It’s no longer achievable fantasy, it’s stuff that if you tried with an inexperienced partner they’d get hurt.
The ‘mutual pleasure woman actually enjoying herself’ stuff is what’s niche. There’s barely any of it.,

The climate of porn has changed hugely over the last thirty years and with it the sexual climate generally for women. The percentage of ‘ethical’ porn, made with women in mind, or even just not using women in a violent way, is tiny.
When I was coming of age in the early nineties, things really were different - sex was seen as something to be enjoyed by both parties - now it seems like something women have done to them. Friends who are getting back into dating after marriage breakdowns, divorces or widowhood are appalled by what’s ‘demanded’ by men. Total depilation for one thing, and the whole ‘fingers forced in mouth/slapping/choking’ crap. Things have changed and I think porn is a big driver of that.,