Husband & porn - please only comment if you can be helpful or supportive as I genuinely can’t cope

[Ifeeldreadful]

I’ve name changed for this, as I feel truly dreadful, and don’t want this situation associated with the ‘regular’ me.

This is very long, and please, if you can’t say anything helpful or supportive, then please don’t comment - I just can’t take it.

My child seemed quite unwell. I wanted to check the symptoms online, but realised I’d left my phone in the bathroom from when my DD had a bath earlier & I’d caught up on emails. I couldn’t find the laptop, and in my panic I just went and opened the bathroom door and caught my Husband sat on the toilet ‘enjoying’ porn on the laptop.

He very quickly tried to close the window down, but I’d seen about 1 second of it. It looked like ‘regular’ porn, but I’m just utterly disgraced, incensed in fact that he was ‘enjoying’ any porn. I looked at him with disgust, and just said ‘seriously,’ before walking out with my phone and slamming the door.

I didn’t know what to do, but ever since then, I’ve wished I’d taken the laptop off of him and watched what he was watching - I just can’t cope with the betrayal of him using porn full stop, but then also not being able to see what he was watching is absolutely destroying me.

I also hate the fact that I don’t know if he continued to use the video after I’d fled the room in a clearly angered state.

I was physically shaking and thought I was going to be sick. I went and cuddled my child and tried to continue normally, in the hope that I could speak with him whenever he next showed his face, but I couldn’t cope. I went to our child’s bedroom and cried uncontrollably and hyperventilated, and couldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to stop crying and quickly get my child and I ready to get out of the house, but I failed miserably. I didn’t want her to see me like that, nor the neighbours, so I only managed to put my coat on and wipe my mascara from my cheeks before he came into the room.

He told me how sorry he was, and put his arm around me. I shuddered and told him not to touch me. I couldn’t look at him, or even in his general direction. My shaking was terrible by that point, and I burst into uncontrollable tears again. Our child came running in and hugged me and asked what was wrong & went and got tissues for me. I tried my best to stop crying and get my shit together, as I don’t want her seeing her Mummy like that, and for the sake of my unborn child. Obviously I couldn’t discuss/address anything with our child there, and all I ended up saying to him is ‘how does he think I feel for watching it in the first place, but when I’m 39 weeks pregnant too, and when I’ve hardly had a spare moment to myself like usual and he has done as he pleases all morning.’

He kept apologising and saying he’d been stupid. He said he’d gone on YouTube to watch something and clicked on another video, and then he saw that one and started watching it. He started blaming the internet saying how easy it is to access porn.

I don’t believe him however, and I’m convinced that he uses it regularly. A few years ago before we had our child, I came home early and caught him then. I went ballistic and was distraught. He promised he’d never watch it again. I have never got over catching him that time, and now it’s happened again.

It may sound strange, but a huge problem for me is that I don’t know exactly what he was watching. From the seconds I saw, it all looked ‘normal,’ and with female adults, and I don’t doubt the content for a second. I just simply feel I have to see properly what these women look like, and what exactly they were doing. It’s the unknown that I can’t deal with. I’ve dwelled on it over and over since the first incident, and always wished I’d demanded that he show me the video.

I went and searched the laptop history earlier, and tried to access his YouTube account, but funnily enough the bastard doesn’t use a password for that that I know. We know each other’s passwords for everything else. I tried a few different passwords and gave up in severe frustration and a sea of tears. I wanted to cut all of his clothes up!

I was ‘forced’ into trying to act normally as our child was there, so I think he thinks I’m handling this better than I am, but I can’t get over it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him, and I’ve been crying for hours.

I can’t handle not seeing what he watched, and the feeling of being lied to, and the betrayal of it all (including using an unknown password). I was really hoping I could just sit and watch it without him knowing, but now I feel that the only chance of trying to move on is if I demand that he sends me a link to the video and I can watch it in private (no way could I watch it with him there). I just don’t feel I can continue with the relationship until I can watch the content and try to come to terms with it all. The thought of him being present at our child’s birth and seeing me so vulnerable is repulsing me.

Do you think I should demand that he sends me the video link?

I’m honestly thinking of taking our child and staying with my parents as I can’t cope. Obviously I don’t want to do this and uproot her, but also because I want to give birth st our local hospital and my parents live ages away.

Please advise and comfort me. Thank you in advance.

If he gets randy it's his decision what he does about it. As your spouse, I think you are entilted to have a say in that too.

No. Just no, she is not entitled to have a say in his masturbation.

@Wheresmyfuckingcupcake

Was going to say very similar,, well said.

Most of these pro porn women commenting seem to think they are defending their men, but they are actually making them out to be mindless Neanderthals, with no self control, and a need to wank to porn as important as eating and sleeping, and if denied have every right to lie and deceive their "controlling" wives and partners like naughty 12 year olds. It makes me think how little self esteem they must have, being so willing to put up with men that happily treat their women so badly.

I watch far more porn than DP so fuck that analysis, sadies.

@piratequeenio
Good for you

Involving yourself in another person's masturbation is controlling. To try and be condescending about women who understand that in the hope of undermining them and their relationships is pathetic. Lets not even get started on needing to know passwords etc. Man does that, he's an abusive arsehole. Woman does that , her husband's an abusive arsehole for trying to withhold his privacy and break his spouses delicate trust...same old same old on here. Yawn.

I’m not sure that’s totally true. I’m not exactly pro porn but the point is more that masturbation is a private matter. The unfortunate thing in this story is that he was discovered. I have no idea whether my dh watches porn or not, I’ve never asked and I don’t intend to. I’d probably assume he doesn’t get his kicks from watching violent videos of women in pain because he’s a loving and attentive sexual partner. But if I walked in on a similar scenario I’d probably be embarrassed, apologise and respect his privacy. Not demand a run down of exactly what he wanks over. There ARE some issues caused by porn use no doubt, but somehow I doubt that a man who has started out as a great caring sexual partner in a relationship (I wouldn’t chose to remain in a relationship otherwise) will gradually become a strangler/want to enact rape scenes/choose porn over sex from occasional porn use. That said of course I’d worry about young boys growing up with violet porn as their ‘normal’.

@LesisMiserable
If breaking trust and lying in a relationship is ok in your opinion, you don't set the bar very high then do you? IMO that's pathetic.
same old same old on here. Yawn. Why are you here then? If you find it tedious that the majority of women on here don't like porn, perhaps try Reddit for a more cool gf community.

Totally missed what I actually said there snakey but not to worry.

At last Rumple puts it in a completely reasonable, level headed nutshell.

Agree with everything you just said 100% .

I think you need help that reaction is not normal

You are entitled to dislike porn. You are not entitled to expect him to stop watching it because of your own feelings, though

It’s porn. He’s having a wank. So what?

The majority of women who dislike porn use the excuse that it’s abusive towards women etc and they dislike trafficking. Fair enough. But you can bet your life most of those hypocrites also shop at primark and other cheap clothing stores where children are used and exploited to make the clothes they are more than happy to buy

If I was him and you reacted that way I’d think wtf and tell you to sort ya shit out and get it together.

You CAN NOT control what he does with his own body, and what he does it to

You need help. Sorry.

@Rumpledfaceskin
That's a fair comment, and I'm sure there are plenty of men such as your partner, loving, caring and level minded. Likewise though there are plenty of men that are not, and replace sex with porn, making their wives, partners feel like shit, when they reject any advances or can't get it up during sex. There are plenty of relationships that do fine with porn involved, but if you're on here long enough you see that there are plenty of relationships suffering dreadfully because of porn and it's negative effects. It's akin to gambling and alcoholism, some people can enjoy them in moderation, some people can't.

You are entitled to dislike porn. You are not entitled to expect him to stop watching it because of your own feelings, though

She is entitled to say that she will divorce him over it.

She does not need help.

He knew her feelings and he promised her not to do it again. If my husband wants to put porn above my feelings then he can do it. He will find himself no longer married to me though.

I can't control what my husband does, but I can control what I do about it.

And so can the OP

You are entitled to dislike porn. You are not entitled to expect him to stop watching it because of your own feelings, though

She’s entitled to say where her boundaries lie, just as he’s entitled to wank over anything he likes. Part of those boundaries are whether you’d stay in a relationship.

The issue here is that she’s previously put her line in the sand down about porn use. He’s still using it - so that leaves them at an impasse. They will need to discuss this - and yes I do think it’s relevant what he’s watching - as rumple says above she assumes her kind loving partner isn’t into unpleasant stuff. But what if OPs partner is? I can imagine some wank fodder I’d shrug off and some I’d be very disturbed by - and some would be a total deal breaker.
This is a conversation that will need to be had where both parties lay out their boundaries.

That’s an emotionally gruelling thing to do at any time - and op may well be giving birth just now. She doesn’t need to have this ‘oh god we need to have this conversation ‘ hanging over her, she needs to feel safe and supported.

Yes - what concerns me most about porn is its accessibility to young people in their formative years. Previously, they were shielded from overt sexual images by X ratings, magazines on the top shelf - how tame they seem now.

Relating to Op's predicament, I, too, think that what turns someone on for private purposes is just that. Private. He was an idiot not to have locked the door. Perhaps that fact adds credence to his excuse that he was intending to watch Youtube and got distracted? I don't know. I haven't a clue how things work with pop-ups.

I really don't think anyone has the right to police a partner's fantasies or turn ons. There are women who fantasise about gang bangs. Doesn't mean that they'd like to be the object of one in real life. It all comes from the irrational, subconscious part of the brain, beyond control. Not something one could have a rational conversation about, especially with a partner who might take it as a personal rejection or think that it's likely to lead to being translated into a real-life experience.

It's difficult to tell from what Op has written whether it's the activity or the chosen stimulus that offends her most. I'm sure it would be an unpleasant shock for most people. And I'd be infuriated that he risked being interrupted by a child - and had been an unhelpful sod all day at a time when she obviously needs more rest. But I do think the password thing is a step too far. I'd hate to be in a relationship where I had no personal and private space.

I’m not sure that’s totally true. I’m not exactly pro porn but the point is more that masturbation is a private matter. The unfortunate thing in this story is that he was discovered. I have no idea whether my dh watches porn or not, I’ve never asked and I don’t intend to. I’d probably assume he doesn’t get his kicks from watching violent videos of women in pain because he’s a loving and attentive sexual partner. But if I walked in on a similar scenario I’d probably be embarrassed, apologise and respect his privacy. Not demand a run down of exactly what he wanks over. There ARE some issues caused by porn use no doubt, but somehow I doubt that a man who has started out as a great caring sexual partner in a relationship (I wouldn’t chose to remain in a relationship otherwise) will gradually become a strangler/want to enact rape scenes/choose porn over sex from occasional porn use. That said of course I’d worry about young boys growing up with violet porn as their ‘normal’.

Best post on the thread.

@LesisMiserable

No I totally get what you are saying. But that is not what this is about here. Every relationship has its own terms and limits. Op has said her husband was found using porn before and promised to not to use it again, however he went ahead behind her back. What he should of done, if he felt not using porn was his deal breaker, was tell OP that he wasn't prepared to stop using porn, be open and upfront about it so they can decide their path forward. So yes, he's broken her "delicate" trust, as you so nicely said. It's OPs prerogative if she has decided that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with a man who uses porn, just like it's her husbands prerogative to not be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't tolerate porn. That's the point of this thread.

Wow you’re very dramatic.

sadie a balanced post from you.

Lots of women have gorgeous, lovely, caring husbands who are entitled to masturbate in private and it has no effect on their marriages. Those women are not idiots or trying to be 'cool' wives. Those women are just level headed women with level headed husbands in a loving, trustful relationship. But they're getting tarred in with dysfunctional stuff that goes on when men are addicted (which could be argued is not their fault if we consider addiction as an illness) to porn to the detriment of their relationships and/or watching really distasteful stuff or when women really hate it and shame their partner into hiding it instead of leaving him as they have every right to do. Women can leave. They should if they're not happy. But you know what, all the so called 'cool' wives - they seem pretty happy and so do their husbands, maybe its because they can be themselves and be accepted.

Most women who try and ban porn do so, not because of any great ethical stance, but because they don't want their bloke getting his kicks from watching another woman.

As has been said, funny how the ethics of exploitation disappear at the door of Primark et al.

As has been said repeatedly, OP can leave him. We concur.

He was watching porn on YouTube ? It's a difficult situation OP as all relationships have demidferent views on porn and masturbation. The only thing I can say is that his use of porn is in no way a reflection of you or his feelings for you, just much more likely to be about himself. I do think it is selfish for him to do so with his wife and kids in the house though.

they don't want their bloke getting his kicks from watching another woman
Funny that. Dh doesn't want me getting sexual kicks from other men. Seems fair I don't want him getting sexual kicks from other women. (Strangely, I thought this was an accepted part of being monogamous?)

@Fortunatelymine
they don't want their bloke getting his kicks from watching another woman
Funny that. Dh doesn't want me getting sexual kicks from other men. Seems fair I don't want him getting sexual kicks from other women. (Strangely, I thought this was an accepted part of being monogamous?)

Exactly this. My Dh lied to me about his porn use for years.. I gave him 2 options, the first was if he continued to use it then so would I. Or he would stop. He got genuinely very upset at the thought of me getting my kicks looking at other men's penis's. He chose to stop.

Op can leave him. We concur.

Except now there is a child in the equation and another about to be born. They need to be taken into account, too. The original conversation was before they had children. It's not as straightforward now.

Still the confusion between masturbation and watching porn. Really very odd indeed.