NC Dignity Club part 8: still wearing our crowns

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Hopefully nobody else has started a thread, if so feel free to ignore this one

I always presumed DOM was a sub/DOM reference too! That makes more sense now

Been reading and trying to keep up with you all but not getting any comments in before it all moves on!

Haven't been counting my NC days but it must be about a month now. Still having some very dark days and last night I wrote an email in a 'write it but don't send it' way apologising to my XDP for my part in our crappy relationship, taking ownership of my own problems and telling him that I know I made the right decision to end it, but that I still miss him.

This morning I reread it and then hit send.

Not sure if I want him to reply TBH. It was more to get it off my mind and I know that however he replies it won't be satisfying so it might be best if he doesn't. He's not going to say "it wasn't your fault, I was a verbally abusive shit to you and you deserved to be treated better" so maybe its best if that is it. Either way, I'm trying not to give a shit when I get an email notification, but as you all know that's easier said than done.

I do feel better for having sent it though. My counsellor said it doesn't matter if he thinks badly of me, because its not true, but I don't want him thinking I'm a selfish arsehole and he's happy to be without me. I want him to remember me as someone flawed and real, but with the humility to accept that I wasn't perfect either, even in the face of the horrid things
he said to me. I still didn't deserve to be called a cunt or goaded and mocked, but he will never change in that regard as he's a narc and that's what they do. At least I can feel lighter having got it off my chest.

basseting I'm afraid that since the info about the young Asian women 'friends' I've always thought of him as Dirty Old Man...

Basseting would never have guessed DOM stood for that. Glad I asked now. Has made me smile

Bloody sorry you’ve had a bad afternoon. My NC and I had a WhatsApp convo set up once when I was on holiday. It was torture and as soon as I was back I said I couldn’t handle it and deleted it and his number from my phone. I’d never have been able to stand the constant need to check. I just memorised his number. Could you delete his from your contacts (writing down the number in case you’re not ready to cut that tie fully yet?) so you can’t torture yourself? Sorry if that’s insensitive. I’m not truly NC with my man. I’m seeing him at work this week so I don’t truly know what it’s like to have no contact other than what you can glean from SM.

Belonger your cafe sounds ace and I would definitely like to be a regular. Or work there in fact

I’ve had a difficult day. My ‘NC’ and I have to communicate a lot because of our jobs. We fell out last week, I think because I was starting to pull away because of the realisation that it’s going nowhere but hurtsville, and he can’t handle that so turns frosty. He’s been perfunctory and matter of fact in all his communications with me today and he’s not called me like he normally would to chat. I think it’s over for both of us tbh but as soon as I feel him pulling away I weaken a bit. It’s that rat/lever thing to a tee .

MrsG you are very welcome! No need for you to work there! We'll have plenty of staff, or it might all be help yourself. And I love hurtsville reference! We might have 'We Ain't Never Going Back to Hurtsville' written above the bar

And thoughtful printed quotes from this thread framed and put up on the walls! I’m off to help with homework now. Will take my mind off things for a bit

MrsG if you can just tolerate his frostiness for a little bit longer than usual that will be great progress. Bit by bit we learn that we can manage without the supply of attention or desire or distraction or whatever they give us. It gets easier I promise.

Horribly near the mark...

shudder

Thanks Belonger I know you’re right because we’ve been in this repetitive cycle for a while and every time he withdraws I cope a little better than I did the time before. I still can’t quite accept it being over over but I can see I’m getting closer to that and tbh he’s probably beaten me to it and is there already himself. I don’t know. It all goes to pot when I see him and just looking at him fills me with a feeling that I thought was love. I can’t remember ever feeling like that about my DH or anyone else for that matter but I must have, it’s just such a long time ago.

Basseting I just laughed out loud. Thank you for that!

I must go and help with homework now. Thanks for handholding.

In his own mind he is this:

or, possibly (as his Old School does get mentioned Rather a Lot... and the dates are only, ahem, slightly out....)

Double shudder Basseting! They do say beauty is in the eye of the beholder though!

@MrsGryllsTheSecond

I think because I was starting to pull away because of the realisation that it’s going nowhere but hurtsville, and he can’t handle that so turns frosty. He’s been perfunctory and matter of fact in all his communications with me today and he’s not called me like he normally would to chat. I think it’s over for both of us tbh but as soon as I feel him pulling away I weaken a bit. It’s that rat/lever thing to a tee

This ^^
Exactly my situation.

NK
weird, isnt it? 25 yrs ago i was getting off a plane and DOM had come to meet me. I'd been being chatted up by a fit blonde essex lad on the plane but I'd told him i had a partner so no go. When he saw who I was walking toward he did a double take i'll never forget. He must have something tho'-, he has dangled 4 women in his lifetime, 2 of whom have been significantly younger. Or maybe he has just found 4 women whose boundaries and self esteem are not good

I'm afraid I think it might be the latter basseting, which is not to criticise you at all, but that he really doesn't sound like a catch. What's your hunch about why you are drawn to him? Is he an echo of someone who treated you badly in your early life? Obviously no need to answer, I appreciate it's personal x

Solidarity Ginger It’s hard.

Also weird how feelings fluctuate minute by minute, for me at least. Just this evening, so in a couple of hours, I’ve vacillated (not sure that’s the word I want ) between longing for him, being philosophical about knowing it’s over and knowing that’s for the best, being excited I’m going to see him tomorrow, dreading seeing him tomorrow. It’s exhausting and all the while I’m this self absorbed I’m not being the mum my kids need, especially my disabled DC Bloody hell. Mess. This thread is really helping though. Clarity clarity clarity (and solidarity)

In an airport which is triggering all sorts of thoughts about my NC. It makes me so sad I miss him.
It’s nice to be able to write that here

That does sound exhausting Mrs.

I'm not really sure where things stand with my NC at the moment. We are exchanging messages on a frequent enough basis. I'm not wary of sending him messages as I know he'll reply. Things got a bit more personal at the weekend, him showing me stuff of his kids?, me doing the same. Very respectful. I'm not magically checking my phone but I do check when he is online. I like him in my life, he is adding a bit of colour. What is it. Is it now an odd friendship or am I deluded?

Basseting think Belonger might be right and it might be the latter. From what you've told us of him you deserve so much better. Any word from MF?

Ah Ravens How was your weekend away?

Oldbrook it's such a shame for you not being able to go to your lunch but my instinct would be a no. I've had to side swerve a few things my NC would have been at and although hard at the time I was glad I didn't attend afterwards.

Mine is still playing stupid games.

He just texted me asking if he'd left a pair of gym trousers at mine. My initial reaction was a spike of paranoia and jealousy because it made me feel like he was hinting that he's left them somewhere else. I'm probably overthinking it but at least I didn't message him with that thought!!!

Yes, Belonger without going into details the roots of why DOM got his tentacles so deeply in are really clear to me.

Which is why the pavlovs dog / lab rat reaction pisses me off so much.

I understand it perfectly. It's just putting (NC) into practice that is hard.

Let's call the next thread: Cafe on the Right Street or somthing?

OldBrook that sounds stressy re the lunch.
I know what you mean about how the simplest decision can seem really hard as so much is invested in it? What will you do?

Ravens sorry you are sad. trains planes and automobiles huh? (())

NK sounds okay but could slip into not okay if you dont watch it?