NC Dignity Club part 8: still wearing our crowns

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Hopefully nobody else has started a thread, if so feel free to ignore this one

oldbrook it's getting to crunch time now - sending you strength to deal with it all !

MrsGrylls I know EXACTLY where you are coming from re the marriage - and the things you say :

"I’m the one who emotionally supports him, massages his ego, apologises when in fact he’s the one in the wrong. " Yes that was me too . I got the blame for saying that he had led me on (when he had ) - I was out of order ! I didn't apologise though - NO WAY ! They are master manipulators even if not always done intentionally - they know just how to reel us in . Good luck with it all !

@Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname thank you.
@MrsGryllsTheSecond - you've expressed exactly how I feel. Not wet but honestly, that's exactly it with me too.

Number three Bloody!!
Oldbrook your idea about the ticket sounds perfect.
Teens sounds like your boys are lovely. Glad you had a good day.
Ginger hog away. Saying it out loud makes it more real.
Belonger yes NC is so exhausting and painful.
My NC has text again and tried to call me over night. I didn't pick up the phone as i never heard it i was asleep. Haven't slept so well in ages. My resolve has not weakened yet. Strangely i feel a sense of calm today. Still sad for what might of been but not overwhelming me atm. Maybe i will come crashing down again. I hope not.
Ravens it's a sad situation you are in given you could both be together given a chance to do so.
Sesi i hope if you see NC or he contacts you it's the outcome you want/need.
Hugs to all you lovely ladies.x

Thanks @Olikingcharles

I think the comment about being sad for what might have been/could have been/should have been is the killer. ESP after long term.

It's that sunk cost fallacy thing again, isn't it?

You know what bloody I think your very first comment to me after I posted on Friday was something about my perceived benefits of the relationship rather than what I’m actually getting from him. I said something about ‘all he’s come to mean to me’ and you picked up on that straight away.

I’ve done a lot of thinking this weekend and think that one of my issues is never really having my heart broken in my teens and 20s. I’ve always gone for safe, unthreatening men. This guy has an edge which I’ve found attractive but I’m coming to see that the edge is actually manipulation. He’s in what now appears to be an ok relationship. I believe him when he says they don’t sleep together any more (and I know that’s a cliche but I think he’s told me the truth about that) and they do appear to lead separate lives but fundamentally he’s now saying he’s not too unhappy. It’s not bad enough for him to want to leave and of course he wants to protect his DC understandably and rightly so. When I embarked on this I believed we were the same, both desperately unhappy, trapped for different reasons and I naively thought we were meant for each other. I feel like an idiot now but I guess it’s how I handle it from now on that counts, now I’m starting to see it for what it probably is. He’s definitely having his cake and eating it and whilst he says he loves me he’s happy for things to continue even though he knows it’s breaking me

Gosh ginger if you think you’re a hogger look at the length of my posts . So sorry everyone, using this as a way of getting things down and trying to order my thoughts. The shared experiences on here are so helpful.

Don't feel like an idiot MrsG you made a decision based on what you knew or thought you knew at the time ( like me ) - what else could you do ?

Your last sentence though - remember that ! I think I read elsewhere on MN someone on an OW thread saying something about men like this wanting the maid service at home while being balls deep in someone else . I remember that it stung at the time to read it ( it wasn't aimed at me) and it stuck in my mind thereafter . It's worth thinking about .

@MrsGryllsTheSecond my now ex left his wife. I'm ashamed. It's not something I'm proud of. But the person I fell in love with is not the person he is now. I fell in love with a fantasy.

I have a long sad and sorry tale and I fairly sure of the reasons I've allowed myself to make such shoddy relationship decisions, but one thing I think I can say with authority, is no matter the truth you think you know, there are layers to men who cheat that you will never know, nor ever want to know, once they leave.

I am ashamed that I was a participant in his treatment of his wife, but I wasn't the first (nor the last) but I know that the reason I became ensnared is because he knew I was easy pickings because I'd been recently hurt.

I just wish I'd stuck to my initial gut reaction to him which was STEER CLEAR OF WITH A 20FT BARGE POLE.

the person you love is probably not real. It sucks but it's probably the case.

I hear you bloody and I know what you mean. Weird thing is that this relationship isn’t about full on sex. Attraction, flirting, emotional support yes but the opportunities for sex have been few and far between (last time was 3 months ago) so it’s not a traditional ‘being used for sex’ scenario and that’s why when he tells me it’s about me the whole person and how he loves and needs me in his life I fall for it. Doesn’t make it right or even better but it’s about the whole connection and the sex when it happens is lovely and very loving but that’s just an extra iyswim.

Yes ginger some of that resonates with me too. I’m not the first extra marital dalliance he’s had either. The others have been ‘random snogs’ whilst out with the lads. He’s even said to me that since he’s been with me that he’s not looked at another woman. I can’t actually believe I’ve just written that down. It’s disgusting isn’t it. I too am ashamed of my part in this and of course in many wars I’m no better than he is, I’m cheating on my DH too and I never in a million years thought I’d be that person.

Weird thing is, I’ve talked to this guy about all this stuff. He pointed out to me that I’d never have got involved with him if I hadn’t been so vulnerable that he believes he’s not good enough for me and that I’m just using him as an escape, a diversion from all that’s wrong in my own life.

Written down it’s clear we both have issues that have led us to this point but the fact remains he’s definitely trying to have the best of both worlds and I think I’m clinging to him as he’s the only thing that’s given me any happiness this past year or so. Time to work on me I think.

Good luck with your business ginger I don’t know your full back story but it sounds like you’re getting some fight back to make sure you can secure your business’s future - good luck with that.

Hi you lovely lot. Gosh this thread moves fast. Had a meh few days - after the excittement of moving, setting up my new home etc. . . feeling flat, and remembering conversations I had with ex when he defended leaving, blaming me, and that he 'preferred OW company' I was 'boring' and he 'deserved to be happy.' Don't know why it still hurts but god it does. Also saw OW bought my son a birthday card. She can f**k off. First weekend this coming weekend without DC and trying to plan lots of stuff. Only Monday! sorry just needed to vent as feeling deflated. Meh. Hope everyone else is good!

Morning Day 18 NC here.
Hope everyone has a good day

Hi ladies can I please join. This is going to be day 1 of nc for me and definitely no checking social media I've deleted fb!

@oldbrook put sudacrem on it morning everyone... Another week... I am already anxious checking my phone... Which again reiterates that its better for NC. I am going to attempt to run 10k later... Never run this far before so it's a huge distraction. Got work first which always has me thinking about him. I have decided that if he hasn't called by Wed I will call him then as I need to know if he is serious about kasabian.

Hope everyone has a good day xx

Day 31 and despite seeing NC plastered over FB yesterday on his anniversary trip this weekend ( not by him as he's not on FB ) I'm OK about it all - more than OK actually.

Was rereading some of our messages last night - not painful ..in fact reading them in the cold light of day I see many of them in a different way , the times he signed off quickly or didn't even sign off at all or didn't want to talk because he was in a mood and then the times he would send me maybe a 100 messages in one evening. He would message and I would jump. He is a damaged man ( I knew that ) and he causes damage wherever he goes yet it is important to him to think that he is well liked by other people . (What's that all about ? ) .

Hope everyone has a good day !

Morning everyone. seshi I'm sorry you're back in the phone-checking-stress-and-uncertainty place, I remember how awful that is. I really hope you get some clarity one way or the other. It doesn't sound like he's good bf material, tbh, with his unwillingness to communicate consistently. I'm very impressed with the 10k - good luck!

bloody well done on resisting the urge to smash up his cosy family life, I admire your restraint! I love your clarity on re-reading his messages. Hope you have a good day today.

Sorry about the 'meh' day user, hope it passes soon

I'm a bit all over the place today. Went to visit my mum yesterday which is never easy, emotionally. A long drive too, which gave me a lot of time to think, about NC but all sorts of stuff. I read something recently that said 'think of things that you would be excited to do in your life' and it has really stayed with me - I felt excited at the thought of being excited! I'm wondering if I've allowed myself to stagnate a bit, am not pushing myself enough in some areas of my life, and that's why the NC fling was so alluring - not enough excitement in other ways. Hm. Am going to let that sink in a bit more, and think about 'what I'd be excited to do in my life' and how I can make those things happen!

Welcome moonshine, good to have you with us. Well done on deleting fb - that will get you off to a good start.

Hi @Moonshinewithelvis 👋🏻

haha oldbrook, you'll be an International Woman of Mystery!