NC Dignity Club part 8: still wearing our crowns

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Hopefully nobody else has started a thread, if so feel free to ignore this one

Happy mothers day to you all. x

I’m really missing my NC today
My situation is very different, but I’m NC with the same aim. We met OLD, both divorced and free to be with each other. We love and fancy each other, our kids have met, we live quite close. BUT he has a full-on home life with his kids, and a v demanding job and struggled to fit me in as well, which made me unhappy which made him stressed. So despite how good I think we were together, he has called time on our relationship as he couldn’t make it work (no chance given to me to see what we could do). I clearly wasn’t enough for him.

I hope he misses me and one day realised he lost something good. But if I go back I will always wonder if he will do it again. So NC for 30 days and frankly probably forever.

The only way it could work is for him to choose to come back, not for me to negotiate or guilt him into it. So, NC for me to get over him. Sorry to ramble on too.

Quick flyby just to wish you all a happy Mother's day my lovelies xxx

I wonder if Mr Grey Pubes opened his card yet?

Hums Mr Blue Sky tune whilst mentally changing words
'Oh, Mr Grey Pubes, I wont tell you why I'm going . away for soooo long

Hi all. So very down. Had a shoot today which kept me busy but I'm now back home waiting for the kids to get home from their dad's. ex has gone frosty on me because I have done the 'it's not you it's me' thing (which is to say that I realise that this relationship is not making me happy and I don't deserve to be treated and spoken to the way he does so I have made a call).

Yet making the right decision is so very hard. He's gone cold, perfunctory and business like and I'm so close to caving and telling him how desperately sad I am. But there's no point because I know he doesn't really 'get' that the ways he is with me sucks. He just tries to convince me it's my mental health causing the problems.

Maybe it is. I don't know any more. Sorry having a shit day. X

But happy Mother's Day to all you amazing women. I miss my kids! X

Erm ginger it's not your mental issue it's your mental sanity that chooses to ditch a thief, a crook and gaslighting twat.

Ones you ditched him for good and recovered, your mental health will improve considerably.

Dont let a less than honourable man to doubt your right choices, ofcourse he's not going to admit his behaviour towards you is substandard. It's your responsibility to yourself to see what's good for you and what's damaging and to walk away..

You're making a right choice, please don't doubt yourself.

ginger I agree with teens 100%.
He wont support your decision to keep yourself safe from him as that would mean admitting he has behaved badly (something he seems equally bad at). You are SO doing the right thing. Today will pass xXx

Thank you @Teensandfuture I know the games he is playing. I must've become so conditioned I probably don't even realise I'm twisting myself into knots to appease him.

He's telling me that he can see a 4 week pattern (ie in line with my cycle). I don't doubt there is a cyclical problem but in my head it feels like he's nice, I melt, he starts going back to being dismissive/demanding/irritable etc, I start to withdraw, he continues, I say I want out, he goes cold, I miss him, he's nice etc etc.

Maybe it is my hormones (I'm having blood tests) I know I'm drinking too much and I just feel an emotional mess. The black dog at my heels is huge and just won't leave.

Hi @Basseting how are you? You sound stronger and more determined x

Waves back to ginger
Not really. It's DOM's b'day today and I wonder whom he is spending it with :( I miss him so very much. I texted a HB msg (which I wouldnt expect a reply to). I have big surgery in around 6 wks and I KNOW i will want to dash down to see him before. He will be impatient and text me on train home then stop and I will be devastated. So i need to try not to. meanwhile MF who was supportive has gone weird too
but, yes, it's hard istn it?
Did you see the link to the piece about intermittent reinforcment?
Its really good and explains well why we are struggling but also the futility of doing anything else but trying to 'retrain' ourselves I think?

Retraining myself is where I'm at I think. My rational side knows this. The addicted side is frightened of the gaping hole giving up on it will leave.

So sorry things are still so hard. Your op sounds scary. If you saw him would he be kind and supportive prior to becoming irritable? I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I'm an emotional fuck up right now, and have no idea if I'm genuinely suffering with hormonal paranoia or if I've been sucked into a narcissist's wet dream. I just need some clarity and the only way I can get that is by not seeing ex.

Wish I could be more Zen @Basseting

no, he'd just be a git, i think. his empathy/compassion is very low.

wish I could be more zen too. Come on lets polish our crowns and put them back on. we'll get through this and one day look back and wonder why we were not kinder to ourselves.x

@Basseting I'm scrabbling around in the mud to find my crown. But I'll find it, I'll polish it and I'll start wearing it. It's so simple in black and white, isn't it? X

I need talking down here ..I have been SM stalking ( yeah I know I shouldn't ) and I have just seen a post referring to my NC and his wife away celebrating their 2nd wedding anniversary complete with a photo from their wedding day . It's times like this that I am so tempted to drop him in it . 7 months with me in those 2 years and me not knowing .

Fleece so sorry to hear of that situation and I hope you didn't feel under pressure to tell us. It does sound like he has real feelings for you, but do you know what, if he does then he will find a way to make contact with you do hang right for the moment.

Thanks Bloody I don't always feel calm but I am certainly very clear about what I need and what I expect.

Ah Ravens that sounds so tough. But you're right. If he really wanted to be with you he would make the time. Ugh sounds so hard though

Ginger your relationship sounds incredibly toxic. Have you gone to the GP to discuss how you are feeling?

Bloody step away from sm and stay classy. Let him off if he cheated on his wife so close after they got married he will do it again. He is weak. You are strong.

Hope you're okay Basseting. Do you think DOM has ghosted you?

Thanks NK . I know that is what I should do but it is so difficult at times.

It's so difficult Bloody but he is the weak one, not you. He isn't happy in his current relationship

Yes he has said so . In fact he has told me he is thinking of leaving her to live on his own again in 2 years time. WTF I was actually gobsmacked !

Hi ladies just sitting down to catch up with everyone @ginger I have an ex h who for tears and still now continues to tell me that you I am mentally ill... Yet he isn't so bothered as to look after his DS... Only sees him once every 5 weeks... And leaves me his mentally unstable ex to bring his young son up... Please do not let him think its about you... It will be him. He's probably a complete narcissistic idiot. We all drink to much at times and think we are losing it because the truth is most men when a marriage breaks up leave the woman to deal with all the crap!! Be kind to yourself. @ravens @Bloody sorry you are struggling a bit today..
Please remember just how far you have come. I have no doubt that both of your NCs think a lot of you but you can't put your life on hold waiting for them to sort theirs out. You both (we all) deserve so much more

I am back to worrying if mine will get on touch tomorrow or if he only did because he needed something... See stepping off the NC Road is terrible for your mental health!