NC Dignity Club part 8: still wearing our crowns

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Hopefully nobody else has started a thread, if so feel free to ignore this one

My goodness bloody, I love that article. I will need to read it a few times to really take it all in but I think it says some really profound things. It has already made me feel very kind towards my NC and towards myself.

" I didn’t need him to be a part of my sad story anymore. He had his own story. He was more important than the role he’d played in my own, personal melodrama."

This resonates for me. It's when I expect someone to play a particular role in my story that I set myself up for disappointment. Whether saviour or red hot lover or best friend, I can't demand that someone play the role I decide. Lovely.

I'm guilty of that too. Creating this fantasy life and expecting someone to play a certain role and then getting disappointed when they don't. I need to stop doing it

Seshi do you think he will change his mind about the concert or will go?

seshi is thinking about going to a concert with her NC ?

, @nk and @Bloody when I bought the tickets a week ago I admit that wanted him to come... It's kasabian... They are playing a one off gig in a really small venue at the end of March... He is mad about them.... I offered him the ticket on Wed and when he ignored me that's when the floodgates opened..... Last night he told me that he would come.... But he was drinking.... So I don't know. I am not going to contact him today.... See if he gets in touch but he probably won't x

oldbrook maybe that's another reason the universe sent the bloke into your life, so you can discover your boundaries and what you won't put up with any more.

Hopefully we're all going to be alive for a good long time to come, so learning what we won't stand for any more is a damn good reason to go through a bit of heartache! You look great in that crown!

seshi all I can say is that we can continue with these ideas we have in our head OR we can take steps to end them and distance ourself .

Today I am pottering about telling myself how much I "love" my NC in terms of that article - that I loved him for my re awakening ( ahem ) and for spending hours at a time with me and for his fun when he was with me . However I am also reminding myself about all the things that I didn't "love" about him . In the end I hope that I have a balance and the "love" is my overriding memory ( Of course we have to be careful that that doesn't make us want them again ) . I am actually feeling a bit sorry for him today as he had a chance with a great woman ( me ! ) and couldn't/wouldn't move on that so he has to stay in his sad cheating unfulfilled life wanking to looking at my messages and photos /go back to how it was but minus me whereas I have the opportunity to move on from all of this . My crown is sparkling today !

Hello everyone.

I have name changed for this as I am embarrassed about my situation and I am not ready to explain it in detail yet.

But I am reading all your comments and I wanted to say how inspiring and helpful I have found you all.

I thought I was doing OK managing my emotions with my "should be NC", but last night I saw that he was now friends with a mutual (female) friend on Facebook. I went into a huge panic and was imagining all kinds of dreadful things.

I hate that someone can make me feel this way - so powerless and so desperate. I am a confident, strong person.

Anyway, I wanted to say hello and thank you for this wonderful thread.

@Bloody our NCs sound so alike... I feel like that... My NC could have had a great life with me... I genuinely believe that... I keep looking at what's app but my last message hasn't been delivered so he's probably reeled me in and now blocked me!!!

Hey everyone..

I need someone to tell me off and keep me on track of dignity or what's left of it..not much admittedly..

My NC has been online 3 times now since I sent that desperate sad self-indulging message and he still hasn't read it.

I think he really doesn't give a slightest f**k about me anymore and how pathetic I am for thinking of him. My feeling are not reciprocated...

I need guidance to let go of him and regain some self respect.

@teens can you get out today and do something nice for yourself? Manicure, swim, movies.... Try and get some distraction if you can. Don't dwell on sending it.... It's done now... It's just a message which has highlighted how rude he is... Like my NC... I know how it hurts...

Oh just seen I dialled him by mistake early morning on WhatsApp too, was half asleep so didn't remember I did..
Now makes sense why he was online just now..
It's quite unusual for him to appear online 3 times in 2 days , he's a very low user.
Sometimes I think I'm the only one on his WhatsApp actually.

I feel so angry right now and my fingers itching to lose my shit and message call and go apeshit until I get a response. I feel like asking him why he's being such twat to me..

I don't bloody know now if his great manners and politeness from before is just down to his upbringing and he's actually monumental twat himself or what..

Oh and today won't be about me unfortunately, have to go to emergency room with my DS to get xrays for his sports injury and probably will spend there most of the day..

@teens you need a hug.... You know what I went apeshit on mine on Wed... After 3 weeks of silence...I literally think that I have lost all hope now... It was like ripping a band aid off

I don't think I have any hopes now anyway, it's been so long he's been in touch he just forgot about me and moved on.

The only scenario I see him getting in touch with me now if he and wife have a massive row and he'll look for comfort and to feel loved.

And then I'll know anyway he's actions are for his own benefit and his own feel good boost.

I just need to delete his number and block everywhere, think that's the only way to stop stalking him and being obsessed if he read my message and will he reply?

Can still fuck up his cosy life if I wanted to but it won't be justified.

But all the good memories of him now overridden with this helplessness and sadness.

@teens I deleted messages.. I want to say that it made me feel better but it didn't.... But I did block him for a few days
..... That gave me a bit of head space

Oh I FOUND YOU all again, thank goodness!

teens and seshi I have so much compassion for how you are feeling right now. My own wanting to go apeshit feelings come at least once a day. If he wasnt so far away I'd be doorstepping him so lucky he is.

Bloody your last post was so helpful to me to read. thank you.
I know my NC is hugely lonely, sad wanker type. He wont 'move on' (he is old) and wont find what he had with me again. His loss.

Belonger and old - a pair of wise women you are!
Yes, the reasons the universe has sent these 'learning opportunities' into our lives. That's the way to think of it!

teens and seshi these men have made their choices and it is not us . Let’s look at this rationally -would you really be wanting to be with a man who cheated on his wife , who lied for months on end to her ? That was always in my head as I was the initiator with my NC and he was so easy to get onboard . It was shocking really but I could see his desire too. I always used to remind myself of this and how I would never be able to trust him . Little did I know that even then he was lying to me saying that he was only in a relationship . Yes there was a huge physical and mental attraction between us and still was when we parted . This is what we are left with - trying to get over a “ what if “ . teens your sadness and desperation can be helped by YOU taking control of the situation , by distancing yourself from him . It really will . You just need to take that first step to say This is now in the past ! I still think at times God I want to text him and to beg him to come and me . How low does that sound ? I won’t though ! Sorry this is so long but once you get over that initial panic / desperation / whatever it DOES become easier . Write a list of the good and bad and stick it on your fridge door . Let me guess . He is a liar . He is a cheat . He cannot he trusted . He is a manipulator . He has not contacted me since - not even an “ are you ok? “ am I on the right tracks here ? Again sorry so long - am on my phone sitting in a cafe . I look at all the men here on phones and can’t hekp think that they are all wankers 🙄

I see a word was bleeped out there ! 😂 you can guess what I wanted him to do 🙄😱to me !

However it’s NOT easy . I fear I may not meet someone else again and he may be my last “ engagement “ . I have no control over that but I can’t let that thought propel me back to all the negativity of him - even if he did want more from me . I thought this morning that if he turned up at my door having left his wife I would say No you left it too late !! You will get there but try to help yourselves . Stop the contact .

teens hope you are not in A&E long and your DS get sorted and on the mend soon. You and I are in similar situations as in not heard from our NC's. Just because there are no blue ticks doesn't mean he hasn't read your message. I am trying to take the wise words on here. You lived the time you had with him, yes it ended wrong and he did lie but it was a lesson. My NC helped give me confidence when H had messed me up. He gave me an escape. We have to find our own closure if they are not going to contact us.

seshi hope you are ok. I really hope he isn't playing with you because he was drunk.

NK glad contact has been a pleasant distraction from H but please be careful.

oldbrook I like what you would like to say to your NC. It is why I want to see my NC in person as these type of messages would flow in person but not by text. It sounds like you are seeing more clearly and just what he is capable of.

I too want to tell my NC how it is. But he don't reply. I don't even think he would get the message.

Will read the links now. Thank you.

Just been reading another thread about being blocked by someone. Seems like a good example of someone refusing to accept that a guy isn't into her and doesn't owe her anything. Reminded me of the thing about projecting our expectations onto someone else and how that just isn't going to end well!

bloody am loving your kick ass attitude today!

teens I think helplessness is one of the hardest things to feel, and most people will do anything to push it away. When we endlessly overthink about how to get someone back, or ruminate about what to say in the magic text or when we finally meet them, or try and read some hidden message or nuance in their crumby text...these are all ways to avoid feeling helpless over being rejected or just not bloody wanted enough by someone.

But I think the truth is
a) we are fundamentally helpless over other people and sometimes people just don't like us the way we want them to
But
b) if we just recognise it for what it is, feeling helpless isn't so very terrible, and it passes, and it doesn't destroy us

And I think that's why I like the idea of emotional flashbacks. When we were little, feeling helpless really was terrifying sometimes, especially if the adults around us weren't very reliable or didn't keep us safe. So if we find ourselves reacting really strongly to feeling helpless now, it might be a flashback to those powerful terrors. But in reality we're grown ups now and helplessness isn't the same threat. If we just recognise it and put up with it for a little while, it passes.

Just thinking out loud, trying to make sense of all the useful ideas on here