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Original poster

Brave Babes (Hygge) Battle Bus: Snowed in and Drinking Hot Chocolate instead of wine

999 replies

SweetLathyrus · 01/03/2018 16:17

Hi, I'm SweetLathyrus, Sweet for short, and I've been on and off Gerald the Brave Babes Battle Bus since 2014. Over the years, lots of us have maintained the thread, most of all the lovely Mouse, who has been here since the early days, and still scurries onboard when she can.

The bus is a place of support, safety and occasional silliness for those of us struggling with our relationship with alcohol. Some of us are sober, some are trying to be, some are moderating and aren't ready to give up alcohol just yet.

So whatever your reason for questioning the whys and WTFs of your drinking, hop on board, make yourselves comfortable and join in. Driers and Triers, all welcome.

2018 has been a busy year so far, lots of new travellers as well as old faces; if you want to read back on the journey through Dry or Dryer Jan and Feb so far, here's the link to the last thread

And in case you want to know how it all started, here is the link to JWN's original, inspiring thread

We've donned the snow chains, topped up the antifreeze, and turned the heaters up to loud, so even though it's cold outside, our welcome is always warm, so hop on and join us.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
30
Sequinsofcourse · 03/03/2018 14:37

Blimey Ma that's proper snow. What are you doing with yourself today?

dementedma · 03/03/2018 15:17

nothing. am absolutely fed up to the back teeth and bored stupid.

flowersonthepiano · 03/03/2018 17:08

Had a row with DH about him not doing something he promised to. He has now decided that he needs a drink tonight. I started looking for flats to rent locally. I'm quite shocked that my reaction has been so strong. I feel like saying you drink what ever you fucking like. I'm not sticking around to watch. I've tolerated and probably supported his drinking for years. I don't want to do it any more. If he starts drinking again. I'm gone. I suppose I should tell him that.

rothbury · 03/03/2018 17:11

Oh flowers that sounds shit. Is there a big back story? I am sure some of the Babes could help you if you want to tell us all?

Obviously you don't have to - we are all here to support each other regardless. Flowers

flowersonthepiano · 03/03/2018 17:26

Thanks rothbury. We've been together about 20 years. Both really big drinkers. I started trying to stop about 6 months ago. He stopped completely, of his own accord, 26 December. I stopped 1st Jan. It's like being in a different relationship. Drinking was part of our life together, but I don't want that any more. If he wants to drink. I don't want to be with him any more.

dementedma · 03/03/2018 17:56

flowers I feel for you. Really.
Wish I had some wise words.

hairisbeingtorn · 03/03/2018 18:09

Thanks ma. I haven't given any ultimatums yet. He's currently drinking water. Maybe he can feel my 'not putting up with this shit any more' vibes....

MintToBee · 03/03/2018 18:12

Ma that's an awful lot of bark chips snow you have there.

I am sick to the back teeth of snow and ice and the freezing cold. I can't actually remember the last time I was warm! I've just ordered a shit load of coal, fuck paying the council tax. I'm not freezing to death, they can just add the money to the attachment of earnings they've already set up.

It's like being in a different relationship. Drinking was part of our life together I hear you there flowers .

flowersonthepiano · 03/03/2018 18:19

Oops name change fail Blush fuck it

rothbury · 03/03/2018 18:28

flowers if you have been together 20 years and drinking heavily together for 20 years, it's really not long to adjust to the new relationship.

Do you think now you are sober you see him differently? Or the relationship is different now you aren't drinking? Or is it purely that you do not want to live with a drinker? I would have problems separating all of this out if I were in your shoes. Can you afford counselling, just for you? I know it's expensive but it's cheaper than a divorce......

flowersonthepiano · 03/03/2018 18:35

rothbury My instictive answers to your first three questions are:

  1. No, I don't think I see him differently
  2. Yes, the relationship is different now (not very surprisingly)
  3. I definitely don't want to live with a drinker, because I don't think I could maintain my own sobriety in that situation - well I known I can't - i've proven that for the last 20 years
I have thought quite a lot about counselling, but it feels a bit self-indulgent....Hmm
flowersonthepiano · 03/03/2018 18:36

So I just blather on to you lot - whether you listen or not Grin

rothbury · 03/03/2018 18:41

Oh gosh no, counselling is fab, I have had loads and it has helped me massively. I am a far more together person now with much better personal boundaries. I was a proper mess before (narc mother) and would recommend it to anyone.

Anyway, I will carry on with the questions then.

If he left you, would you be sad or relieved? What would your primary concerns be?

flowersonthepiano · 03/03/2018 18:49

Both sad and relieved I think. Primary concerns: this is the actual order they came to me:

  1. DS will be upset
2.If I have to rent for a bit, what will I do with the 3 dogs
  1. Will I cope financially
  2. I'd be lonely
  3. He'd be a bloody nightmare to deal with to sort our the financial situation (on purpose) and I doubt he'd pay much in the way of maintenance or have very much to do with DS - he's emotionally detached anyway
dementedma · 03/03/2018 18:53

mint they were at the garden centre.
I have eaten cake and crap, drank a whole bottle of wine (for the first time this year) and watched eleventy million episodes of Modern Family

rothbury · 03/03/2018 18:57
  1. Yes, he will. However, he needs at least one sober parent, so if the only way you can do that is apart then it's a necessity. DH can still be a good dad and see DS
  2. You may not have to rent - depends on finances. Having said that, I had to give up my dog when I divorced and I have never cried so much in my life.
  3. Yes you will. Like everyone else does. Have you asked a local solicitor for advice? Many will give 30 mins free advice (not all)
  4. This is interesting. So there is still value to you in your relationship. Do you think you can salvage it? Most of us who want to split would rather spend the rest of our lives in solitary confinement than spend another year with our DH. This is where counselling might be useful. Do you do things on your own? Travel/cinema/shopping? Do you enjoy your own company? This is something you can work on and build up slowly.
  5. Yes but that is what you pay the solicitor for. Is he employed or self employed? He would need to pay 15% of his net pay if you have one DS. You would have to split all assets including property, shares, savings, and pensions.

Do you think he would be/is less emotionally detached when not drinking or is his drinking a way of dealing with his detachment?

Disclaimer: I am NOT a counsellor.

flowersonthepiano · 03/03/2018 19:37

Thanks rothbury this is very kind of you...It does make me feel self-absorbe though...

  1. You're right about that.
  2. I'm really sorry you had to give your up dog, that must have been heartbreaking
  3. I suppose so...
  4. Yes I do value the relationship. There's a lot I like about him. We're physically compatible (sorry TMI). We're both kind of odd balls and I can't imagine either of us with anyone else to be honest. He's tight as hell though and can be spiteful. And I don't want to be with a drinker. He hasn't started again yet though, thankfully, despite the threats earlier.
  5. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Where did you find your counsellor? I've looked online, but they all seem to want you to address a specific issue. I'm not sure I'm a fuck up and I don't know who I am counts as a specific issue does it?

flowersonthepiano · 03/03/2018 19:40

oh, the emotional detachment. He seems to be slightly better sober, although I am 90% convinced he has undiagnosed high functioning autism.

He's self-employed and would pay as little as he could get away with.

flowersonthepiano · 03/03/2018 19:43

He once got cross with me for suggesting that he loves his parents - this was years ago, when he was early-thirties - he said he was grateful to them, but that wasn't the same thing. He was very upset when his dad died last year though...

flowersonthepiano · 03/03/2018 20:00

I do a lot of things on my own and don't mind my own company. But I value the companionship of marriage. I have divorced before BTW. Married very young, lasted 10 years, I ended it and couldn't bear to breathe the same air as him at the end, so I know what you mean. But I was lonely all the same. I like being alone, but not living alone.

Sorry will stop blathering now Blush

rothbury · 03/03/2018 20:08

You aren't blathering. I think you need to take your time. I am pretty quick with LTB advice but from what you have said this looks salvageable.

I honestly think counselling would help. I got referred by work and struck gold. Once my work sessions had run out I paid myself as it was such an investment in myself and my own happiness. It has helped me be a better mother, I have made better decisions at work and personally, and just see things a lot more clearly now. And I am far more honest than I used to be about my feelings.

I don't know where you would start - maybe ask at GP surgery? Don't be put off if you don't gel with the first one though. I don't hold much with specialists - I think a holistic approach is better but that's just my view.

Saywhen · 03/03/2018 20:26

flowers I get what you are saying about not wanting to live with a drinker. My dh is seriously drunk tonight. It's awful to watch. It's awful for my kids to see. This is exceptional today but he does drink much more than he should.

It's made me so pleased I have stopped drinking. I feel even more mortified seeing him tonight about the way I will have behaved previously. I'll have a chat with him - tomorrow obviously.

But I can't stop him drinking. I hope your dp doesn't drink tonight flowers .

flowers to find a counsellor you look at the registor for bacp then select locally. But as rothbury says your gp may signpost you to someone they recommend. I would be careful as counsellor is not a protected term so anyone can call themselves one so go for someone accredited.

I had some counselling after someone i knew killed themself it was very helpful.

dementedma · 03/03/2018 20:27

flowers i have been asking myself pretty much the same questions (minus the dogs).
All i can offer is empathy.

flowersonthepiano · 03/03/2018 20:48

Thanks again rothbury

Saywhen sorry about your DH. You're right, probably no point speaking to him tonight. I've always tolerated it because I've seen myself as a drinker too. But something just snapped today. I want to move forward and away from alcohol. It's stolen enough of my life. Sounds like you're getting to a similar point. And thanks for the advice about counselling.

Ma thanks for the hand hold. hope you're Ok. Any sign of the snow melting yet?

DH has gone to Tesco. He says for deisel and peppermints for indigestion.... we'll see...

Ma same to you.

flowersonthepiano · 03/03/2018 20:49

Sorry Ma not sure what happened with the double mentions there Confused