Dating thread 130: dates with more issues than Vogue - mad March hares every one of 'em

[BeenThereDating]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

Oi Vet your good deed of yesterday has made a wanker harder to spot...!!

Val I don't know about NW, but in E London the main roads are quite clear, the back ones more slippery than a slippery thing on roller skates on a freshly polished floor.

Tom - what Been said. Not a fan of games of any kind, and to me, playing hard to get is one. I am however, a fan of having strong boundaries. So if you like him a lot - feel free to text him first and put some effort into it. If, however, you dont get much back - then either be upfront about it or just let it slow fade (because you are the prize). Does that make sense? Basically my motto is: Be willing to put yourself out there for people you like, but if you're not getting much back - move on to the next one quickly.

Lost some strong orange flags there. As others have said, I would have an honest look at myself (are you overreacting due to past experiences - its okay if you are, but you need to be open about it). But I am also very at his response. That is not a particularly mature or adult way to deal with things and hints at all kinds of trouble in your future. I would first figure out what it is you want and need, and then sit down and talk to him, Make it clear that while you may not have gone about this in the best way, his response is also not acceptable at all.

In the meantime, 3rd date with my Tinder iron this Saturday. On the plus side, I spent a lot of the week looking forward to seeing him again which is usually a good sign for me. On the minus, a couple of things in our conversations are definitely making me think this would never work out long term. So my plan is to just enjoy it and not think too hard about it in the meantime

Kin - thanks - really can't see me risking the journey - may well get there but not get home - it's a long walk from there lol

Thanks annit been and esk1mo. Your advice does makes sense. There’s 1 I do quite like, but will try not to overwhelm him. I will send a quick hello later today though. There’s another who is unsure about dating right now but wants to keep my number. I think I’ll just leave him as he ignored the last message I sent.

kin Thanks, I'll just chill for a few days then.

OMG, how fast does this thread move!!!!!

anitt - that is an excellent moto. I have difficulty with boundary setting. I'm better than I used to be but still a bit wobbly. I think what you say about working out what you want/need and what is acceptable and what isn't is really important - but also how you articulate it is too and that's the bit I'm less good at.

Margo Hah, thanks. Basically my secret is that I love reading advice columns and in particular the ones which are good about giving scripts for how to deal with the situation at hand. So over time I've basically figured out the basic recipe to almost any situation is to gently, but straightforwardly approach the topic at hand. And 99% of the time, if the person you're with is a decent human being, you can have a conversation about whatever it is and move on! I'm also one of those people who will ruminate on a topic for a while in my head to try and drill down to what it is that I really want to achieve so I can try and make sure I get that message across.

I'm also not always good at articulating things! There is sometimes a disconnect between what I mean in my head, and what comes out of my mouth. But as long as whoever I'm with knows me somewhat or allows me enough time to explain myself, that can usually be addressed.

There is sometimes a disconnect between what I mean in my head, and what comes out of my mouth.

Were we separated at birth anitt? Because I'm exactly the same - I know precisely what I mean but just cannot verbalise it in a way that 'says' the same thing. Especially when it comes to feelings.

tom i didnt mean “play games” of course.

as someone who has been too nice in the past, it helps to control certain behaviours. so i dont text back instantly, and i dont make them a priority at all.

its been mentioned before, but the book Why Men Love Bitches is quite good for explaining things.

anitt I could so do with some of those scripts! Where do you find them?

Hmmm... I just had a first phone call with Miss IcantrememeberwhatIcalledher_now ahead of a coffee meet tomorrow and didn't manage to get a word in edgeways!

Now my overthinking mind is wondering if she's someone who can't listen/likes to hear the sound of their own voice.

Kin maybe she was just nervous, I can talk a lot when I’m nervous. It depends what she was talking about, if she was bragging about amazing things she has done, how much her house is worth and how important her job is then I would think she’s one of thoughs who likes herself a bit too much and likes the sound of her own voice. If it was general chit chat then I wouldn’t worry, she might have just got carried away.

kin was that the one you called Miss Keen?

maybe see how she is in person, although coffee might make her even more talkative..

Love interesting take, don't think I've ever come across someone who gets nervous about talking on the phone but you could be right.

esk1mo thanks! That's her .

Kin the man I spoke to last night was like that - I thought it might be nerves - it put me off a bit but as you have arranged a meet already, it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt - good luck - I'm just heading out to Wembley - have the offer of a bed if I get stuck

kin I get nervous and babble on, on the phone or in person :) Usually only when I first get to know someone, once I feel comfortable I don't talk quite so much. I especially like to fill silences.

Quite looking forward to meeting Mr English/Dutch tonight. Not in the slightest bit nervous either (now, maybe later I will be).

Happy Friday everyone.

Kin I get very nervous about talking on the phone, I freak out if a iron suggests it but then if I go through with it I probably talk way too much.

I hate talking on the phone too, even with people that I know, and have never done it with anyone prior to actually meeting them. I'm fine in person but I can't think of many things I'd rather do less than have to make small talk to a total stranger on the phone. If I absolutely had to do it I know I would be talking way too much and way too fast in order to avoid any awkward silences (nightmare scenario) and I'm Irish so I talk way too much and way too fast at the best of times so it would just be carnage.

Good luck to anyone dating tonight! No chance of any dates here this weekend, I'm talking to a few irons on POF/WhatsApp but my car is buried under snow and sheet ice, as are all the roads around here so no chance of going anywhere until Sunday at the earliest I think. Just seen on the news that there's been a multi car incident on the A38 just south of Exeter

Ahhh, ok, looks like nervousness around phone calls is a thing then! Thanks to all for chiming in on that.

Val stay safe on the roads tonight.

Not out of my home town yet - this could have been a big mistake lol

I don't mind chatting on the phone, but have found a couple of times that despite getting on really well, long, funny chats, similar views on life etc, if you then meet and the spark is not there its even more disappointing. So I tend to keep talking to a minimum before first dates now.
Val have a great time, Kin good luck with miss keen, Anitt I know all the sensible advice in my head, yet still make stupid decisions!
Vet my car is snowed in too, and even if I could get it out all roads out of town are closed and no trains! Very quiet weekend for me :)

I tried to reply from my phone yesterday but for some reason it wouldn't post.

Sorry to moan but I have had enough of the snow now. I slipped and fell yesterday (moments after telling my son and niece to be careful because it was slippy ] and feeling sore today. Also both dates have had to be postponed.

Mr Bull I am now meeting for lunch tomorrow and I think it should be good fun if our messages are anything to go by. I only usually do coffee for a first date to aid a quick getaway if needed. Maybe I should ask a friend to give me a ring in case I need an excuse to make a swift exit .

I agreed Mr SA on Wednesday that we would reschedule over the weekend once we knew what the weather was doing. He messages rarely which I find very strange but so far he has initiated all our conversations and he does come across as a lovely bloke.

Good luck to all the who have dates this weekend. But I couldn't be bothered to type another long reply for it not to post again.

Val Safe travels!

Kin Yup. Its so annoying when I can literally hear the words coming out and just know someone is taking them the wrong way because dammit, it was so clear in my head! And then I turn into a rambler trying to explain what I meant.

Margo - I enjoy Captain Awkward. Its very very liberal/alternative/be sensitive to all the people which I sometimes want to roll my eyes at, and it seems to get questions from people in truly ridiculous situations sometimes. But in general all the advice is useful and it comes with scripts! And there is even an entire topic around boundaries
I also love Ask A Manager which is actually work advice. But she also has a great way of breaking down things in terms of trying to make your message really clear which I think can translate quite well to relationships as well.