Dating thread 130: dates with more issues than Vogue - mad March hares every one of 'em

[BeenThereDating]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

Val my XH was14 years older than me and when we broke up he was still bearable looks wise. Now he just looks like his Mum - grim. There's no way I'd contemplate that age gap now... I've found that as I've got older and stayed in reasonable nick the age gap has narrowed.

val the men that age are just so bloody boring and usually look like shit. If they don't then they are expecting a 40 something ! I would look for up to 10 years younger

Change some perspective - 2 dates in 2 weeks is not bad going, not bad at all. Shame they didn't do it for you, but things change with OLD very quickly and good ones can materialise in an instant.

Not hibernating Tech I was just tied up for half an hour

Read page 3, was going to congratulate Val, flipped over and saw it didn't go so well

Knowing roughly how old many of you are, why are there so many male non-drivers contacting you?!?

Hi guys, hoping to be able to keep up with this thread to some degree! I read all the comments but it moves so fast by the time I'm able to post anything!

Val I wouldn't date a non-driver as I wouldn't be willing to be the one to make all the effort or have that be an excuse for why he can hardly see you. I actually connected briefly with someone on POF last (only online though), chat was going so well and we were supposed to meet but he didn't drive. He did agree to come out my way and then never heard from him again I didn't waste time going to meet him as the exact details were never ironed down.

So I don't know if anyone caught my one post on the other thread but the guy from work I started chatting to has already fizzled out and I felt that he was a bit strange anyway. I don't see him much but it certainly makes me want to reconsider feeling it out with guys already in my social circle because now it has the potential to be awkward

I'm finding the men just so immature. I'm 48 and age range is set to 44-53. I've been asked, after 2 messages, what vibrator I use, by a 49 year old and I just think, really??!! How bloody old are you?!!

Another one messaging told me I should "chill" because I didn't want to discuss my sexual preferences with him after a handful of exchanged messages. He was 51.

Seriously slim pickings out there.

Kin re men who don't drive (excluding for medical reasons) I have my sweepingly unscientific theories as usual ,

There's the man-child. He's always had the woman (mother / girlfriend / wife) run around after him, driving him home from hospital having given birth earlier that day and he shirks responsibility with charm. He never thought driving mattered because he'd just click his fingers and he'd get driven somewhere. He's not got much get up and go so never really needed to get up and go somewhere spontaneously. Of course as he's a bit older his irresponsible side has driven all the women mad so he's alone, renting a room on OLD.

There's the man who spends money on fun - gambling, booze, fags, holidays - anything that's not real life. The women in his life have driven him everywhere and finally got fed up with him being a feckless wanker so he's alone, renting a room and on OLD...

If he can't drive for medical reasons I get that and if he has a licence but lives in a city and doesn't need a car I get that.

Sweeping generalisation I know but I think that in a lot of cases they're men that lack get up and go and I need my man to have that in spades. I'd soon lose respect if I had to collect my 50 year old boyfriend from his place on a regular basis...

I'd have very little respect for a man who had reached his 50's and was unable to drive. Unless it was for medical reasons I guess. I like being picked up from home for a date sometimes. Same as I'm happy to pick up sometimes. I couldn't imagine having to do all the driving, all the time.

kinunir Tied up ? That sounds more promising

I'm talking to a lovely young lady on the phone Tech

Hi all. Just trying to catch up with everyone’s news.
I have 4 irons on the go. All chatting on WA at the moment. One possible date next week. I’ll decide on Monday if I want to see him.
Question: there’s one I quite like. I’m trying to play it a bit cool though. Is this the right approach? Normally I’d send 2 or 3 messages in a day. I have decided to go for the “if he really likes me he’ll get in touch approach”, since I am the prize. Is this a good approach? I remember reading here not long ago that men generally like to feel in control and do the running. Is that right?

Hi all, being very lazy and not checking back to see how everyone is doing
Had to reschedule a date that was tomorrow because of the bloody snow He only converses by email, which I think is a bit weird - is that normal?!
I've now got 3 1/2 irons on the go, but I don't think most of them are goin anywhere tbh. Mr Artist lives miles away but does at least drive, Mr Psychologist I'm 5 dates and MB have happened, but he doesn't bloody drive and I think may be a bit needy, Mr Moving is moving up here, but hasn't yet, and I don't nick if I can be arsed, and another I'm chatting to.

POF is bloody weird. I got called a weird cunt, fking ugly and compared to Mrs Thatcher by one guy today, because I said I didn't think we would be a good match. Weird and angry man

Today's POF rant... I don't have kids but I get that for people who do they're the main priority. But... why would any reasonably intelligent man think that any self-respecting child-free woman is going to read 'I want a proper relationship but you'll never be as important as my kids, they're my number one priority and always will be. Put it this way if we're on a boat and there's only 3 spaces you'd better be a strong swimmer!!' on a profile and think to herself 'oh yes, where do I sign up? For truly it is my dream to be considered disposable by my life partner and put up and shut up that I always come last to someone else's children'. Seriously?!

Prompted because I received a really funny message on POF earlier but when I looked at his profile that's exactly what it said (amongst other things). And he also totally dismisses meeting single mothers, he only wants a child-free woman, so that she can do all the compromising and he can be her priority whilst he gives her nothing of the sort in return. What fucking planet are these people on? He must think he has a solid gold cock.

To be fair he's taken it quite well when I pointed this out to him though We're still messaging (only profile tips, I'm so not going there). Shame though as he is actually quite funny profile wankery notwithstanding, and not bad looking at all.

Vet sounds like he's willing to listen and learn... surely that's a plus point

I bet he thought his profile made him look like father of the year and would earn brownie points from the mother of his next suite of offspring.

I honestly think so many people are truly clueless about how their photos / profile come across.

Vet I don't get this 'my kids are my world' bit. It's a bit Disney dad/ 'I'm such a special parent, you wouldn't get it'

tomhardysbitontheside i’d personally recommend letting the man do the initiating/chasing

i do think, generally speaking, that they tend to pursue those they are interested in, and seem to become more keen when you’re a little bit hard to get or unavailable

my operation is cancelled tomorrow due to snow, kind of fancy MB so might just say fuck it and invite MrForeign round on sunday

Vet sounds like he's willing to listen and learn... surely that's a plus point

Oh yeah absolutely Been. Like I said, he's taken what I said really well and has modified his profile a bit. He's actually pretty sound I think, although definitely has huge double standards with refusing to date single mums. It's just that whole 'my kids are my world and you'll do all the fitting around it' attitude is really prevalent and it really gets on my wick. In his case he really was clueless about how it came across, thanked me profusely and has changed it so bonus points for him, but I think he might be the exception.

OMG the last thread filled up in a matter of days!
So, me and Mr Smiley...all going swimmingly but a few niggles underneath. I got my head around the 'past life and special needs dd' issues. Decided to take the advice of most of you and leave his past in the past because he is so nice right now and we all make mistakes.
However, Today I woke up feeling very insecure about the whole thing. I said that I needed to think stuff over and make sure this is what we both want. I do really like him and we have had a lot of nice dates/stop overs during the last few weeks but it just seems to be very fast and too perfect. We seem to have just fallen into quite a full on relationship within a mater of four weeks...all a bit too good to be true and very fast
When I said this to him he said this was what he wanted and more and then He totally backed off today and said that if those thoughts are in my head then maybe its not right and why am I so hot and cold etc, his messages have gone right 'off' no kisses or nice emojis etc and I think I've really pissed him off. He said I am so over cautious and he doesn't want to spend his time trying to make up for how shit my ex has treated me .....
I am cautious and I am bruised by my ex's awful behaviour but I do like this guy and I'm hoping I an pull this back ...help me guys

lostlily tell him that. I'd explain how much you like him, it's not a case of being hot and cold but it's about keeping it real and in your experience relationships that start off at a sprinting speed tend to die out quickly. Because you like him so much you want to enjoy the beginning, fun part, take it carefully and build solid foundations for the future.
I think that all sounds fine but the exact same thing happened to me last year. I fell hard for a man I met on pof. Really liked him but he went off at 100 miles an hour, introduced me to his son within weeks, friends the same, made plans for months ahead. When I tried to rein it in I was told I was cold, heartless, incapable of having a relationship.... the list went on. I left his house in bits and never heard from him again. I was gutted as I really had let my guard down with him. And it was the best sex I'd ever had.
Now I think I dodged a bullet so I guess I'm saying a decent man will respect your boundaries and be happy to take things at a pace you are comfortable with. An arsehole won't.

Been that's crazy in regard to driving but then, from what you said, most of the male non-drivers have probably got a bit of crazy - or lazy - in them!

Vet The comment about kids is true of course and any decent father would save his children before a partner, in my opinion, but it definitely doesn't need to be said. As for the no single mother stuff, there is an alarming amount of entitlement on POF I'm afraid, not to mention lack or realism.

esk1mo Men do like to chase but, as we get older, the whole playing hard to get thing does start to get a bit boring, Just saying. Enjoy any forthcoming MB.

Lost Communication is key here but I also sense a red flag too - hot/cold behaviour (him going from full-on to backing off so quickly) is not normal in a relationship where issues and feelings are openly discussed.

Lost he sounds like he may be a bit controlling/lovebombing. He's given you plenty to think about recently and I expect you'd like reassurance and kindness from him, but actually he's giving you a hard time. It may be red flags as Kin said, even if he is doing it as a defence mechanism it doesn't bode well.

As you've had MB and formed a close relationship I'd try to communicate how much you like him and have an honest conversation. Then see what he does.

I'm feeling a bit low at the moment. All the smitten hormones have left me as my iron cancelled out date but hasn't rescheduled and has gone quiet. I understand there's snow but he could easily ask a date for next week. Oddly he communicated how much he likes me and that he still wants to see me regularly even though he cancelled the date, but I suppose actions speak louder than words and he hasn't actually booked a date with me. I'm just going to sit back and see if he comes to me, I don't want to chase as I think that would just pressurise him.

he communicated how much he likes me and that he still wants to see me regularly

Cancelling in this weather is acceptable in my opinion - travel is treacherous right now and I wouldn't go on any non-essential trips. I also wouldn't be rescheduling a date in this situation just yet either - the forecast is too predictable and I wouldn't want to have to risk canceling a second time.

Just hang in there for a few days until the snow has gone...

Lost I'm very bothered about him 'punishing' you by dropping kisses off texts etc. I know a lot people pull this stunt but it's a vile thing to do when you step back and think about it. If someone's hurt then words expressing how you feel are good enough but a punishment beating by text isn't appropriate. I feel quite strongly about this as it starts the rot, makes the other person feel insecure which then makes things spiral down quickly next time there's a bump in the road.

Most people can have a relationship with someone in the good times it's how you deal with the bumps that matter and quite frankly you shouldn't have a bump in sight four weeks in. Equally if you're blowing hot and cold that says something too. It it's right you don't blow hot and cold.

unpredictable*

Totally off topic - anyone around Wembley? What is it like - meant to be seeing the stereophonics tonight - I've got a snow day so can take my time (if I can get out of the town I live in that is.

Tom I'm not a fan of the let him chase me / play hard to get mentality. I am careful with texting though as I find it deeply irritating to get vacuous "thinking of you babe" texts 20 times a day at any point in dating or a relationship.

I think 2 or 3 newsy/funny texts a day is spot on personally.