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Original poster

Should I disobey my parents

146 replies

Bexx89 · 27/02/2018 20:18

Hi, this is my first post so please bare with me, I was just hoping for some advice. I am a 28yo mother of a DD with severe, undiagnosed special needs. We live alone but I have been seeing someone for just over a year and minus the odd arguments we get on really well. My parents knew about him when we first started seeing eachother, so started to turn up unannounced at the hope of meeting him because they said he obviously has something to hide if he doesn't etc. My dad once turned up when I had builders in but me and the guy had gone out, when the builder told him I was out with my boyfriend and said we'd be gone about an hour my dad rang and demanded I came home at that minute and the builders needed me home, and I had no right having my boyfriend there if he had not met him as I was putting my daughter in imminent danger. From this point he then refused to meet my parents, so when me and him had a big argument and he walked out (we split up) I told my family and they were pleased. We made up a few days later but I didn't tell me family so for the past 10ish months I have been seeing him behind their back. This brings me to now... over the weekend I was working and he came to pick me up (he is insured on my car) and we went to pick my DD up from theirs on the way home. He stayed in the car and I hoped my parents would not see him, but my Dad came out to the car and demanded I introduced them so I introduced him as my friend (he was in the passenger seat at this point), my dad shook his hand and ran in to tell my mum who it was (he remembered his name from before). At this point the poo really hit the Fan, l am stupid, an idiot, more of a fool than they ever thought and he's clearly only back in my life to use me and because he knows I'm getting a new car next month. When I explained had never been out of my life they told me I'd really disappointed them and if they ever find him at my house or that I'm letting him stay over then all hell will let loose. They told me I am NOT allowed to have him on my car insurance and if they find out they will not be happy. I feel extremely guilty as I know how upset they'll be when they find out he is insured, and that he stays alot. Since they found out they have been turning up unannounced and think I am out because the car hasn't always been here, I am creeping around my house in the fear that they will see that I am in. When they called to tell me they'd been I lied and said I was out. I asked if they only came to check up on me and they hung up. I haven't heard from them since and now I feel lost because they are the only ones that understand my dds needs and can help me with her. Should I end my relationship to keep the peace and have the help? Sorry I know this is really long winded I'm just so Lost, they know I need them but I want my own life. They say it's because they have my Dds best interests at heart but so do I Sad and im not sure what to do. It's not the first time they've interfered, my dad had a key for my old house and used to let himself in at 7am to make sure I had no one there. They say they don't want my neighbours to see me as a slut or anything. Ahhh I don't know what to do I literally feel like I'm in prison sometimes, I'm happy with my life and how it is but they want their way or no way. Please help and sorry its such a long post xxxx

OP posts:
PickAChew · 27/02/2018 20:21

FGS you're 28. Tell them to kindly fuck off.

Original poster
Bexx89 · 27/02/2018 20:22

I've tried, then I am ungrateful and selfish and never put my daughter first

OP posts:
FrogsSpawnofSanta · 27/02/2018 20:22

You are an adult, it is none of their business who you have staying over or on your car insurance. They need to seriously back off. You need to lay down some boundaries now.

Nightmanagerfan · 27/02/2018 20:23

They sound batshit and completely over involved in your life. You’re an adult! I wonder if having some counselling my help you work out strategies to cope with them? From what you’ve said they walk all over your boundaries...

altiara · 27/02/2018 20:23

What pick said

Gladrag · 27/02/2018 20:25

I don't have any specific advice but your parents sound toxic. You're 28 so they shouldn't be interfering in your life to this extent.

Original poster
Bexx89 · 27/02/2018 20:25

I just don't know how to set the boundaries, and I have no idea how to go about getting counselling (poor that at 28..Hmm)

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 27/02/2018 20:27

Yep, big woman pants time. Your parents are being ridiculously controlling and overbearing.

C0untDucku1a · 27/02/2018 20:28

Your parents are very controlling and need telling to back off.

But im not sure about your boyfriend’s behaviour either. Might need more info there.

Afterthestorm · 27/02/2018 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C0untDucku1a · 27/02/2018 20:29

Btw do you work? How much care of your dd do your parents do? Is it to enable you to work? Are they the ones paying for your car or rent?

ShyOyster · 27/02/2018 20:31

Is there more to the story? Are they heavily involved in caring for your DD and you’re worried you’ll lose their supporr in that matter?
If there’s nothing of that kind going on, this is just batshit crazy. You’re an adult. They have absolutely no right to interfere in your life to this extent. Boundaries from now on. Baby steps: your dad should not be allowed to just let himself into your home. That’s just mental!!!! Tell him that. Then gradually set more boundaries. Tell them it is YOUR life!

Oswin · 27/02/2018 20:35

Have you posted about your family before. They are awful. When they say these things you need to ignore. If they say you are selfish so what. They are ruining your life.

Original poster
Bexx89 · 27/02/2018 20:38

@countDuck he's never done anything to them personally, he walked out because I think he got scared of becoming attached (parent issues of his own I think) but he came back and apologised and we've worked through alot since and became stronger for it.. he's never used me or taken advantage. And yeah I work on weekends so that's when they have her so it is so I'm able to work, but they've already said they're reluctant to have her now as he should watch her.. but I don't really want him to, not because I don't trust him because I wholeheartedly do, but because I don't know if he'd be confident enough with her special needs on his own. I'm not financially dependent on them at all and the car is mine

OP posts:
NettleTea · 27/02/2018 20:41

is there some specialist SEN nanny you could use for the weekends - you would almost certainly qualify for tax credits towards it. Do you get DLA for your DD? Carer's allowance etc. all this could help to pay for some specialist care. It sounds as if they have you over a barrel and enjoy wielding that power.

Original poster
Bexx89 · 27/02/2018 20:41

@shy no more to the story really, I've made poor relationship decisions in the past I know that but I've learnt, but yeah I need them so I can work and I don't want them to take that away. @oswin no this is my first post x

OP posts:
Original poster
Bexx89 · 27/02/2018 20:43

They definitely do have me over a barrel! I'm not sure, there is a carers scheme but the council made it so difficult to use that I stopped it, it was more stress than it was worth in the long run

OP posts:
Whatififall · 27/02/2018 20:44

You are a grown adult, tell them to fuck off.

Unless you've previously made dubious choices around men / your daughter and there is a back story to them behaving like this then you need to tell them you are an adult, to support you in your choices or leave you alone.

Original poster
Bexx89 · 27/02/2018 20:47

I made a pretty shit choice when I was 19/20 and lived with an abusive partner but I have never gave them reason to think my daughter would be in any danger, it's just that they don't know him and he could be a "murderer" for all they know

OP posts:
DontDIY · 27/02/2018 20:51

So they think he could be a “murderer”, but they also think he should look after your DD now??

They sound bloody awful. Tell them they have one choice: let you live your life the way you see fit, or they lose you both.

They sound unhinged.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 27/02/2018 20:52

If everything is as you say it is, this is completely bizarre and your relationship with your parents is really unhealthy.

BewareOfDragons · 27/02/2018 20:54

Not only would I tell them to fuck off, in no uncertain terms, I would move far, far away if I could. Your parents are so fat over the line, the line isn't even visible.

Seriously. Take control of your life and tell your parents you are a grown up, and the parent of your DD, and you make your life decisions, not them. Do not discuss. Hang up. Walk out. Tell them to leave. Each and every time they try to tell you how to run your life.

ijustwannadance · 27/02/2018 20:56

Tell them to fuck off with the emotional blackmail.
Can't believe your dad coming round at 7am to check you didn't have someone there! Your parents are crazy.

DontDIY · 27/02/2018 20:57

And get your keys back!! FFS.

Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 20:58

You are 28 and have your own DD. Your parents sound very controlling, they have no right to have any say in who you date, as long as you and your DD are safe and happy, which seems to be the case. It really isn't anything to do with them.

Your parents' control of your life sounds toxic. I do suggest that you look for therapy to help you deal with this. The Stately Homes thread on this relationships board will be helpful to you, it's certainly been so for me.

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